What's wrong with me?

[OrmIrian]

Bit personal but not name-changed because I can't be ar*sed TBH.

I have a wonderful DH - certainly compared to some of the men mentioned on here - he loves me, he thinks (or says anyway) that I'm beautiful, he still wants to make love to me all the time, he willingly takes the kids off my hands when I need time to myself. We've been together 20 years and married for 14 years. I love him and respect him. We both know each others failings but that's fine -we both have them and accept them and laugh about them. On the down side we are always more or less broke, tired and stressed. And I can't help resenting him for his failure to take up a teaching career when he graduated and failure to understand that I hate living in a filthy house and he simply won't help or even do the jobs he says he wants to do. But on my marital balance sheet I don't think he's doing that bad.

But I am more and more reluctant to have sex. I've always accepted that whether I want to or not, we should do it regularly to keep our relationship on an even keel. And TBH most of the time I enjoy it anyway once we start - DH works really hard to makes sure I do bless him. But I still don't want to. Last night I was gritting my teeth and simply wanting to punch him in the face - I wanted to scream "Just get off me!!". I have never had a huge sex drive but it's got so much worse recently. I love him, sex is a big deal to DH and I want to make him feel loved in the way he enjoys most. WTF do i do?

I get whinged at when I clean too... After reading this thread am wondering if it's coz it makes HIM feel guilty about not doing the decorating etc.

God there must be a crap husbands club....

ahundred - you see I thought it was all OKish - but talking about it has made me realise it isn't.

I can see a big talk coming up but over the years I've come to dread them so much. I need to marshall my thought and arguments and pick my time.

Yes, Orm I think you do, I think you're realizing just what and how much you're resenting him.

Which is why is good idea that you SHARE this, calmly if possible, and explain you don't want any PANTS this time, you want him to go away and think about you've said and come back and tell you what he's going to do about it.

Not "stick your pants up your a*se and sort yourself out" then? Something more measured?

Relate are great.....and you can see them on your own if you feel you want to clarify any issues before confronting your dp.
Sounds like you don't want to give up on him but are majorly pissed off, with good reason.
No wonder you don't want to put out.

Yes, think you're getting the hang of this now!

Zizou might be on to something if you think you can't have the discussion without a blazing row?

Can I suggest a weekend on your own? Somewhere wild and untamed where there's nothing to do but read a large cubic novel or stare out at the rolling waves? Preferably involving some walking?

Last year I walked a chunk of the Thames Path for 2 days. That slow repetitive rhythm is more relaxing than doing absolutely nothing, and I had an evening to myself (spent literally 5 hours in the bath reading a Jilly Cooper). For you I would suggest 2 proper nights away, if not 3.

I'm not suggesting that you will come bounding back from this eager to shower burning kisses on your dh's body. But by God it sounds like you need a break.

Ring round anyone who still gives you birthday and Christmas presents and say you are sorry to demand but you need a contribution to a B&B for two nights Now, and they can forget about having to buy you a Yardley 'English Rose' bath set on 22 December.

Funny you should mention Yardley English Rose.... . It's already gone to the school jumble sale along with most of the things I am given at Christmas.

It sounds wonderful choosy. In the past I've managed the odd day off doing exactly what you suggested (Exmoor rather than the Thames) but not for a while. Good idea. Might find it easier to talk to DH afterwards too.

I see this thread died out after I left - just want to say, for you guys who haven't reached the end of the road, it may not be too late as long as your partner realises how deadly serious you are. Not everyone is as incapable of facing up to reality as my STBXH. Do the nuclear talk thing, Relate, whatever it takes. Then if it turns out to be hopeless, walk, in the knowledge that you did everything you could. Or put up with it because you like having him around, if that works for you; like a dear, smelly old dog who's a bit uncertain with his house training.

Thanks for that image Annie

How about because you feel sorry for him and feel that he'd collapse in a heap without you? I know...it's a crap reason... but sadly it's true. No chance to talk things through this weekend as we were at a family party - which brought it's own delights .