Am I being a mug?

[adriannauk]

I know that is a big question, and only I can answer that...but I want to share my story here in the hope for insight..

I have been with DH for 16 years next month, and next month will be our 10 year wedding anniversary.

our relationship has been fine, and strong for years. Earlier this year, DH has a midlife crisis and fell for another woman at work. OW is a lot younger and just got married herself.

Apparently she doesn't feel the same, and they haven't slept together. So he felt so stupid and horrible etc about the crush, he is in his mid 40's and she her mid 20's. I was prepared to support and forget etc. He then developed an anxiety order and depression. He is on antidepressants awaiting counselling.

At first I asked that DH and OW not chat outside work, as they used to snapchat all the time.

then he has changed so much over the last couple months, he has emotionally shut off from everyone and everything as he says. Which I can understand is the depression. so I was really patient and tried to support him the best way i can. He has had sleep deprivation and now put on sleeping tablets.

I got counselling for myself to learn to be more emotionally independent, as he has always looked after me in the past with my own depression. so he knew he can just focus on getting himself well and not worry whats it doing to me.

He started to talk to OW again outside work, saying he needs a friend to talk to besides me. This doesn't help when he last went to the doctors, they said to speak to her as its healthy to have a friend to talk to, as they always maintained that's who they are to each other now.

He said the last weekend he can’t wear his wedding ring anymore, as he doesn't feel like a husband anymore and not treated me properly, like a guilt mindset. it really stung, but I let him do what he needs to do, as I know first-hand how much mental health can change your way of thinking.

Today I found out he took the day off work yesterday, and told me he went to work. by accident, we both use the same pc, and I went on Facebook not realising it was his. then I realised and admit got curious. after all that happened i can understand why. Also this week he has been extremely down, so I wanted to make sure he was ok.

after finding this out on his pc, I then went proper searching. Then I found he ordered a babydoll and a sex toy and lube. Babydoll was not in my size.

When I asked him where he was yesterday, he said he went for a drive first and met up with OW and kept her company while she got a tattoo.

I then confronted about the Ann Summers order - he said he ordered it for OW as a birthday present. I asked how is that appropriate, and how would her husband feel. he shrugged and said that's what she wanted.

So I have been pretty devastated and hurt to say the least. He says he doesn't want to end things and wants to go through counselling to get himself right.

The only one thing I have asked of him is honesty... if something happens, if you have loved me at all then tell me.

now I have lost all trust. I can’t bring myself to wear my own ring. I know I still love him, but I don't know what to do at the moment. I'm too heartbroken..

Who buys sexy underwear and toys for a freaking friend? he says people are different.

I don’t think he bought her the lube to use with her husband .

Hi all, I just wanted to thank you all for your advice. I am in awe how strong you all are!

I sadly don't feel a smudge of strength atm....after posting this I went round a friends house to get away. After I went back we talked a lot more. he said he gave OW his credit card and told her to buy herself something as a early bday present. and that she actually ordered it but under his name.

as if that makes it any better.

he kept on saying he wants to try and his head is all over the place. I know he was really bad with his mental health atm, in the 16 years I have known him he has never done this before.

he was upset that i checked his stuff too...saying we are both at fault. I explained calmly that does not make things even.

Not that's a excuse I am making for him either.

i dont what to do with myself. I cant afford to leave, we are both in debt. I know if we split he will declare himself bankrupt and be done with it, and I probably will do the same, as I couldn't afford the mortgage by myself.

So I feel stuck atm. I haven't put my ring back on, but I don't know where to go in reality. My family are 400 miles away. I'm supposed to be studying for a art degree, so I need the spare room alot where my studio is. i feel in between a rock and a hard place!

He must think you were born yesterday.

I know it’s not the done thing on here but I would have a word with her. He’ll shit himself.

You're both in debt, yet he's handing out his credit card to a married woman to treat herself to sex toys?!

Funny how his poor mental health only kicked in AFTER she said she didn’t feel the same

Maybe she didn’t back then but she obviously feels the same now.
If a male friend from work brought me a babydoll and sex toys I’d be asking him what the fuck he was going.

You’re being a mug. He’s shagging her, no doubt about it. If not her, somebody else.
His excuse is a load of shite too. NOBODY would order themselves sex toys from their friends credit card unless it was a fwb situation

Even if they weren’t sleeping together it’s still disrespectful to be meeting up etc after everything that’s gone on.
If he respected you and wanted to save your marriage he’d be putting the effort into you instead of this ‘friendship’ with this woman.

You deserve so much better OP

Ugh. Poor you. You gave him a chance and he bought her stuff from ann summers? He sounds obsessed with her.

he said he gave OW his credit card and told her to buy herself something as a early bday present. and that she actually ordered it but under his name

Fuck me, that's weak. That's the shittest lie I've ever heard.

Her: "Oi, It's me birthday, mate"
Him: "Oh shit sorry mate, I forgot to get you anything! Durrr!"
Her: "No worries mate, here givvus yer credit card and I'll buy meself somefing proper filthy from Ann Summers to use on a bloke who ain't you"
Him: "Sounds normal, I do that for all me mates, here ya go!"

OP kick him the fuck out of the house. And stay in the house. You don't have to file for divorce if it's not financially viable, but you certainly don't have to live with him. He can fuck off.

And for the love of God if you are washing his underwear or being a good little wifey, stop right now. He can fend for himself, since his depression clearly isn't putting a halt to his gallop.

Sorry he is playing you for a mug and you deserve so much better. Mental health problems don't excuse being a complete selfish cheating bastard .

OP please please read these replies and then read them again, he is lying to you.

FGS I can’t believe he’s pretending now that he gave her his credit card and she ordered them - that is utter horse shit, he must have zero respect just to come out with these ridiculous excuses they are jaw droppingly stupid.

Agree with the PP who said ask her, tell your husband you’re going to go to her house and ask her in front of her husband why she’s buying sex toys and lube on your husbands credit card. Obviously you don’t have to do this but his reaction will tell you everything.

This whole thing is bonkers, please don’t listen to his absolute bullshit.

I’m sorry he’s utterly treating you like crap, you deserve better than this. Please approach your bank, CAB, or some other legitimate debt advice advice and get advice. It depends where you are but it’s probably going to be cheaper to look for a studio/one bed flat and rent a studio/business premises (heck even offices should do fine a small long as there’s lots of natural light) than a two bed property. I can assure you that doing this will be a lot easier than the headfuck of having him in your life.

He’s a creep and is abusing your trusting nature.

Jesus could I say ‘advice’ anymore times, sorry

I'd pop and visit her husband for a chat.

Hey lovely. He is definitely sleeping with the OW. I'd imagine a sex toy is only bought to try new stuff after they've tried other stuff. No woman on this earth would ask her friend to buy her sex toys and lube. Not even sure they'd ask a female friend!!! And no married woman would get a male friend to buy her sex stuff to use with her husband. And I doubt any person would use their friend's credit card to buy themselves anything let alone bloody sex stuff.

I'd message the DH of OW and ask if he knows why your H is buying his wife the following and send him a copy of whatever proof you have.

So disgusting and desperate on so many levels I don’t know where to start.

For me, the worst thing is his exploitation of your situation, your fragility and your good nature. The tack he’s bought to use with this other woman is a pretty close second.

I know it’s easy to dole out what you would do to a stranger online but frankly I would rather be bankrupt than living with a man that was willing to keep treating me like this in so many contexts.

Awful, and you really do deserve better, please don’t let him get away with such a hatchet job on your life, your self esteem, your faith in the future and your very real worth as a person who he should love and respect.

You are not a mug.

I know this because you are here asking us.

He is treating you like you are a mug. But you know his behaviour is not acceptable. So, galvanized with that, tell him this is not acceptable, and that he needs to arrange relationship counseling ASAP in order to try and rebuild your relationship. Do nothing else. Watch and wait: his response will tell you everything.

Please find the strength to leave. How can you stay with a man who is fucking another woman, dressing her up, using sex toys on her, and being so obvious about it? Who expects you to believe his obvious lies?

There must be a way. Personally I would drop the art degree for now and find a job. If you are both in so much debt that you're contemplating bankruptcy, you can't afford it right now. Find a job, check out what benefits you are entitled to and start making a plan. You'll have to do all of this if he walks out for his ow, so do it now, on your terms.

Hi all - I just wanted to thank you all for your advice.

A update on my end - we split up on 16th, after finding deleted pictures on his pc of her in various states of undress. So They was snapchatting nude pics to each other.

I confronted him and he admitted the affair.

At first he completely devastated me, the emotional pain was so overwhelming, I was suicidal at one point, But now in a more bearable place.

At present I am trying to look at getting my own house to rent, and hoping to move out over the next couple of weeks. He expected me to live in the marital home for a while so we can both save up. I found it unbearable, as where ever i went in the house I just see memories of a life I had lost.

Now I am just wading my way through the legalities of it all with the joint mortgage.

Just read your thread op. Can't believe what a shitbag he was to keep lying to you and make you doubt yourself wrt to his disgusting behaviour. I'm glad you're out of that relationship and can begin to heal. He will soon come to realise that he lost a faithful, supportive and loving partner for the sake of a cheating, lying younger woman who will soon grow bored of him.

Hope things go well with the house hunting and your art degree.

Sorry OP this sounds bad all around. He is cheating on you. And manipulating you into accepting it. Listen to you speak of OW so casually! He has conditioned you into thinking her existence and place in your life/marriage is okay.

I had an ex who used his struggle with sobriety, mental health issues and eventually physical health issues to get away with treating me like absolute crap. The relationship revolved around him and catering to his ever so special needs. While he was out doing whatever he wanted with whoever he wanted. The whole bit about him shrugging about the sex gifts sounds all to familiar :-(

It took me some time (much much longer than it should have) to see just how manipulated i was. When I finally came though, I was so appalled that anyone could purposefully and skillfully do that to another person. He then reached out years later trying to use his own death (the physical issues are apparently leading to this HA!) to creep back into my life. I told him where to stick his lying ass. Actually i hoped he was being honest for once.

Its not easy, but once you see through all the lies and disrespect, you wont ever want to see/hear of your husband ever again. I wish that for you. ASAP.

This will never get better. He's checked out of the marriage and lying through his teeth.

No way did he give her his credit card. Worst lie ever!!!!

How long you remain unhappy is your choice. He will never be what you want and need. LTB.

Sorry to hear your update, good luck with everything 💐

Hi OP. I'm glad his sordid affair is out in the open and sooooo glad you're finding your strength to leave. He's the loser here. Lying conniving twat.

Keep posting for the support you know is here for you

So sorry to read your update but at least you know now and can move forward without him instead of tying yourself in knots wondering what he’s up to
Does the ow husband know ? And sorry to mention it but you should get yourself checked out at the sti clinic

Best update ever, you are well rid, I hope you have learned a lot; do not allow any other man to treat you so badly; you gave too many chances and ended up being used; you are a nice person and will find a similar person to yourself, good riddance to a nasty horrible git.