Can monogamy really work nowadays?

[Mumtobeluc]

I just want to hear people's experiences.

In my twenties wondering what I should expect in the future of a marriage. Not trying to be negative just want to be realistic and mums net seems to be great for this sort of stuff.

I think the world has gone mad when it comes to image and relationships. The reason a lot of relationships fail, is because we focus on someone physically and not who they are. I will never forget watching that programme where they decide who they are going to date from their 'body'. Bloody madness and shallow.

Once you meet the right person, monogamy will come naturally.
With all the people before that, monogamy will be impossible.

Faithfulness is the norm amongst our family and friends if all ages. Of course you can't always know what people get up to in private but it's definitely expected.

When you meet somebody you truly want to grow old with, to care for them forever...that makes you monogamous without even thinking about it. My husband is my best friend and I want more years with more than any thing a non-monogamous relationship could offer. I've been monogamous for 19 years.

I think it works for some people and not for others. I was talking about this with my bf the other day. I’m naturally a monogomous person, never cheated on anyone, and I couldn’t have it any other way.

Some people however seem unable to keep to that arrangement. I guess we’re all wired differently.

I don't think it's any different now than it's always been. People may have stayed unhappily married because of religion, society or complete female dependence on the husband.

I don't think mumsnet relationship is a good place to ask because many of us are here because we're not in good relationships. I know of more happily married monogamous couples than I know of the other.

People who are happy don't start threads on mn about it

I love my DH and he's a pretty nice bloke AIBU

Sometimes I feel a bit tired but usually a cup of tea perks me up AIBU

The unusual, dramatic, extreme is what people talk about and remember. The mundanely pleasant is largely invisible until you choose to focus on it..

23 year with DH, no affairs, maybe the occasional crush but I tend to tell him as that takes the illicitness out of it and then it fades.

I certainly wouldn't want my health endangered and have a zero tolerance policy on this.

I don't actually know anyone who's had an affair (that I know of) and in my family everyone has been married for decades.

@cherrypavlova this is one of the saddest things I have read for awhile
"Our youngest is very clear that she wouldn’t have children outside of wedlock. That she wouldn’t marry until her husband could provide adequately for them both and that marriage is for life. She’s been with her boyfriend about two years but they are too young and financially dependent to even contemplate marriage yet."

Your youngest should want to be able to support herself financially , its very 50's to expect the husband too and frankly unfair on the man and lazy and quite goldiggy of the woman. I would be ashamed of someone who doesn't want to stand on their own 2 feet and contribute but rather sits back until a man can take care of her sad for her sad for the future husband.

I have been happily married for 21 years and earn enough to support myself because I am an adult and both parties support each other. I would never expect my husband to carry that burden by himself.

I don’t doubt my younget will be very able to provide for herself financially a I can and as he siblings can. What’s nice is knowing you don’t HAVE tothat between the two, you can support and look after each other. I think she has the rosy spectacles of youth matched with the experience and wisdom to know that fighting to ensure she can maximise her career is not necessarily the best way to build a family.

She’s actually quite hard working and likely to be a high earner but I’m delighted she sees alternatives as equally valid. She’s on target to get a first from a RG. What she understands is that partnership isn’t about not being able to stand on your own two feet but knowing you don’t have to. You have four feet between the pair of you.

I think that everyone is wired differently. It is not ok to paint the billions of humans with one brush.

I read it like Mycatiskillingme too. If she has the capability to be the higher earner perhaps her future husband can stay home with the kids. The way you worded it was it sounded like she sees the man as the breadwinner while she stays home with the kids. Seems such a shame to have that view so young as you don't know how things will pan out.

Married for 25 years together since we were 23. If you marry the right person then monogamy seems to just happen. We've had a total rollercoaster but other people have never been the issue. I lucked out in who I met, but at least I was smart enough to stop fucking about & marry him.

People are like cars. Even if you have a Ferrari at home, you will probably appreciate having a Fiat for going to the shops.

One car can't be expected to do it all.

20 years and very happy.

I think the excitement of meeting someone new is transient as you are expecting it to end.

The long term relationship is where you know they have your side. They love you and listen to you. They celebrate your victories and feel your sorrow and are well unselfish and caring.

It's a lot to ask of anyone but if you give it out it will come back up you.

Good luck

I think it is naive to imagine that life events (by which I mean grief, shock, accident) can't get in the way of even the most loving monogamous relationship.

You can love someone dearly and want to stay together forever for a number of reasons, yet sexually go in different directions.

Monogamy is not doomed, but it is not a foregone conclusion that those who truly love each other will be monogamous.

When you talk about all the posts on here - bear in mind that no one is going to post about how their OH has been faithful for X number of years are they ...

Works fine for me, though I'm late 40s and happy to shag only when the whim strikes.

Non monogamous, poly, open RA here and that suits me. Done the monogamy bit, it didn't work. Moved on, explored new pastures.

I think most people in a happy relationship start off with wanting and expecting monogamy, problem is I think it’s very very common to ‘get bored’ , particularly with men, I think lots don’t like the ‘groundhog day’ feelings. They will then often remain monogamous but turn to other vices to pep life up, be it betting, porn, sexting/flirting , big alcohol habits etc. Not all of course, but ‘a lot’ , enough to piss off a lot of middle aged women on here. I think my motto these days is hope for the best, prepare for the worst , and that isn’t always affairs!! I am glad many women on here have great marriages, I would have said the same myself until it suddenly wasn’t.

We live longer. People get to midlife and want to change partners, they want to make themselves happy. The divorce rate is high, 2 divorces even higher so based on this, I'd never get married again.

I don't think as a species we are meant to be monogamous. Only social constructs and religion has made it that way, Of the roughly 5,000 species of mammals, only 3 to 5 percent are known to form lifelong pair bonds.

There is no black and white in relationships, every single one is different and what works for some people certainly doesn't work for others.

Infidelity is rampant and that's for a myriad of reasons. Religion made divorce a huge issue for women for centuries, leaving them destitute and shunned, so it became a rule that one MUST stay married whatever the consequences, let's not forget that domestic abuse was not an offence until the 90's.

Personally I stayed loyal to my husband, not because we were married but because I adored him and didn't even look at another man. Even though I ended the relationship, I still didn't want to date anyone for 18 months after we split.

I imagine a large percentage of people stay in relationships because of the children and finances. Understandable. In the world of Facebook and Instagram where it seems every family is exceedingly happy, it's hard to tell. I know of two couples who can't stand each other yet you'd never guess from their social media. On the flipside I know several happy couples who've made it work and are genuinely happy.

You have to just take a chance I guess, do your best to be in a healthy and equal relationship and enjoy it while it lasts, which it may do forever.

In my experience, men in their 20's think that they want to settle down, and that they can be monogamous. They have babies with their Partner/Wife, and life gets awfully serious (mortgage/broken sleep/wife not looking very glam/less money etc).

Time moves on, they hit their mid 30's, and then with great revelation they realise that they have missed out of shelf loads of alternative vagina's. And they are almost 40! Time waits for no man.

Wife (and life) at home seems dull, compared to the Single women at the Office. Why shouldn't he dabble? After all, wifey at home doesn't give him much sex right now.

And there you have it. Marriage over.

Unfortunately, almost every relationship I've seen, has followed this predictable pattern.

Man moves on, and then generally is faithful to Wife number 2, as he realises that he lost everything through cheating the first time. And, after 5 years of on-line dating, he realises that to have one good woman in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Gosh, that sounds awful.

Disclaimer: On my 2nd marriage and we are very serious about monogamy. BUT...there is very little stress, children are adults, we are okay for money and have nice holidays etc, plenty of sex/affection, so, I guess it's easier to stay faithful when things are good.

Husky, that’s a bit of a stereotype. Of course there are men like that but if you look around the vast majority of couples breeze straight through that period and stay together. They don’t stand out because there’s no drama. I don’t just mean your friendship group. Neighbours, coworkers, school teachers etc. Most are having affairs and breaking up.

OP, men (and women) have always cheated. Yes, it’s easier to find someone to cheat with now, but also it was so much more acceptable (even expected) for men to cheat in the past, so I think figures would even out pretty well.

Just like women, there are good men and bad men. Good men don’t cheat because they’re a bit bored. If you’ve found a good one then don’t second guess it because of what you find on MN. The results here are severely skewed.

Huskylover1

I don't think that situation is exclusive to men. In my experience women get equally bored with the routine and look for excitement outside of the relationship. That's how all of my serious relationships ended. Around the 5years mark they got into something with someone like messaging, flirting, etc. Grass is greener so off they go.