Living near family

[oliveoil54]

Hope you can advise, we are currently selling our home with the view of living near our daughter, SIL and baby grandson, at their suggestion, as we will help with childcare a few days a week, and as we are both retired it will be company and poss help for me as my husband has early stage dementia. They are also moving to a better area for a better lifestyle for themselves and the plan is that we will be reasonably near each other.

We are all fine with this and they have put an offer in on a lovely house in a great location, and a nice little village type town, and hopefully they will move soon once their house sells.

Having looked at numerous properties in the local area am finding it really difficult to find somewhere suitable for us that we can afford, as it’s a very nice location properties sell quickly and don’t appear to come on the market very often. I have looked further out from the town, but ideally given problems with husband would prefer not to have a 30/40min journey each way on the days we look after grandson.

There is a property for sale on their proposed estate which is approx 20/25 detached houses away. It’s very nice and would require very little work from us and it’s the right price! But when I suggested this daughter said, they both wouldn’t want us living on the same road as them. Looking on Google Earth you can’t see their property from this one, daughter thinks it would affect their privacy. Even though we def wouldn’t go round unless invited and would expect them to do the same!

I totally understand that they are young and want their own life without input from Ma and Pa, and we are happy to help them out as much as we can, and am very grateful that they considered this option for us being nearer. But think living that bit closer could work much better as long as both families observe the rules, which apply to them just as much as us! After a hard day babysitting I really look forward to my own space a cold glass of wine! But think the ability to have an impromptu night out and me being within walking distance could be good, especially later on collecting from school and going to after school activities etc. Looking after each other’s houses when away, isn’t quite such a chore when it’s just a walk away, rather than a car ride through traffic. And as much as I love my daughter, SIL, and especially our grandson, who definitely keeps us young; I value my own privacy and despite what they might think would not want to be on their doorstep all the time.

We are having to leave our roses round the door cottage in Scotland, which we love but is now just too hard for me to deal with on my own esp our too large garden! But trying to find anywhere else, that fits our needs and doesn’t require too much work that’s appropriate for our price range is proving much harder than anticipated, just wish they would let us consider the property which is too close!

I would really value anyone’s thoughts or advice on this? Especially from people with young families how would they feel if they were in same situation.

I intend to show this and any replies to my daughter.
Thanks in advance.

Reinforce to her what you have said re privacy and nompopping round unexpectedly. That would be very important for me. Either she wants the free childcare and you nearby or she doesn’t. She can’t dictate to you exactly where you live, that’s none of her damn business!

I think your idea is great. I'm also a private person and I don't see anything wrong with the location and I'm sure when your grandchild/ren are grown up they would love the convenience of being able to walk round to yours.

Why don't you show your daughter your original post so she can be reassured.
I could understand her reservations if you were the type to cross lines, but you dont appear to be.
There are some horror stories on here about relatives who let themselves in at all hours, rearrange furnishings and gardens and generally treat it as their second home, without any thought toward partners etc As long as your daughter and son in laws boundaries are respected all should be fine!

I think she's being unreasonable. 20 houses away is far enough that you can't curtain twitch. As long as you both respect each other's boundaries then it makes sense.

So they want you close enough to be on call to choldmind but not so close that you might cramp her style? Cheeky fuckery at its finest!

Is it the SIL? Do they want to be part of the neighbourhood community but not want to cross paths with you during this ?

Gosh you sound like an absolutely lovely person. I'm 36 years of age. If I suggested my mother and father live near me at their own expense so I could benefit from it in the form of childcare but then I chose to be control exactly how near, they really would tell me to go shove it! In fact, my parents would never move for any of us. When they mind my nieces and nephews, it's very much as a favour to my siblings. It's not an honour. No matter how much you love little ones, it's exhausting work and really should be viewed as a favour or as paid labour.

Your daughter sounds, dare I say it, a little spoiled...does she always get to call the shots or do you get a say in what's right for you too?

*chose to control

Does she not want to be too close because of the dementia?

I would LOVE it if my mum lived a short walk away. It would be amazing, when the kids were big enough, they could run straight round.
Sorry to say but I think your daughter is being selfish and demanding. She wants to benefit from the move, but not have you too close. If my dad was ill and it would mean I could support her with his care, all the better.

I don't think you should jump through hoops to get the property she deems acceptable.

My ddil suggested we all buy a big house together, but that might be a step too far (or near!)
You could stay where you are, but just get a gardener and cleaners. It would be cheaper than moving.

In fact, if you've found a suitable house but DD doesn't want you to buy it and there's nothing else suitable, you might have no option but to stay where you are. Just buy in the help you need.

Thank you for all your replies, I’m very grateful!

I understand her concerns as I have a few of my own, we’ve always been the type of family who try to help each other out, and daughter will be first to admit, she likes to ‘sound us out’, about things. I will admit I do have opinions and what I think are good ideas & sometimes not everyone wants to hear them! But would like to think over the years I’ve tried to curb that, my problem being is that before doing anything I like to research to furthest degree to make sure it’s right, if it’s a good idea I pass it on. Whereas her husband has been his own person since University and isn’t used to parental input, and doesn’t always appreciate it, especially as you can tell by this post I’m not good at putting things briefly! Lol! So we compromised, I send her stuff if its useful she passes it on, if not it’s trashed, which is fine. It’s a learning curve for all of us! So I think that’s why she wants to maintain a healthy distance! It’s hard for younger families to take older parents into consideration, especially with our set of problems, so was really touched and very happy when they suggested moving nearer each other, and we love them all too bits. But I don’t think I’m being hypocritical in saying when we’ve all been together for any length of time, although I’m really bereft to see them go, especially our Grandson who is the happiest child imaginable, we both enjoy our own space and tidy house, and relaxation, so think I can honestly say I won’t be knocking on their door every 5 minutes!

What a lucky daughter! I don’t think they know how lucky they are. Hope it all works out.

I hope it all works out. It sounds like ye get on very well. I can understand your son-in-law's reservations if he is used to be more independent.

So could you ask your DD and SIL to draft some theoretical boundaries - which are always up for review when things change - so that it is all up front and you have both a clear idea what it would be like. So no dropping in / only turn up when invited or dinner together Tues evenings etc. YOU might find it’s one sided - eg we need you for childcare Mon-Fri 8-6 and you must leave once we get home from work.....and don’t come round at weekends ever!!!

We live 7 hours away in Scotland our other Granddaughter is in Switzerland. We bought our current cottage to live the rural dream and did for 14 years, but cancer and dementia is a huge game changer, we had big plans to do our house up, and did quite a lot of it before illness hit. But ideally there’s still a lot to do and husband can’t drive anymore and I really don’t enjoy driving long distances, so this seems the answer to everyone’s prayers. Plus the area they are moving to we know and love, it’s a rural village/small town but close enough to quite a few big towns, so getting transport, flights etc will be so much easier. I want to move, I will miss my friends up here, but being able to see my grandson and anymore babies grow up is very important to us, not just the 3/4 times a year we get to see them now. Plus when you go to stay in someone else’s home as much as you really want to see them, it can be quite stressful on both sides!

I agree with one of the first responses, show your DD what you wrote initially as it should allay any fears (if she's reasonable).

You could live next door and go days, weeks without seeing "the neighbours" ..... or be miles away and see them daily / weekly and know every detail of their lives. So being 29 houses away, especially if not in line of sight, is hardly unreasonable when much of the move seems to be for DD's benefit.

Be careful,OP. You may find yourself being used for childcare then not invited round other times because that is their family time.

Really think boundaries are a good idea actually, especially leaving as soon as they finish work, I’d def be up for that! A full day of childcare can be exhausting, so would have no problem with that. As far as just dropping in is concerned that definitely won’t happen. Have an awful memory of my parents calling once unannounced many years ago to find us both in a very compromising position. Never again! Apart from agreed childcare, or if we need emergency help - my view is, it’s a new house hopefully not requiring much work, we are retired and have a lot of free time, so will be there for them as they need us, but hopefully we’ll also get a life down there and get the opportunity to join things. So if we are free that’s fine, but would prefer/expect they will be the ones to do the asking. I don’t want to get into taken for granted routines by either of us, like cooking Sunday dinner together. My parents always came to me for Sunday dinner, and most of the time I didn’t really mind despite the fact my Mum was a very good cook! However have to say SIL is an excellent cook, will have to up my game living near them! But I’m sure they would agree with me it wil only be on an as and when invited, not a regular occasion.

Thinking about this purely on a practical level...

Obviously, it wont be easy or fair to take on childcare responsibilities if you live the 30 minute drive away if you chose one of the other properties. You need to really be somewhere within a 10-15 minute drive.

I can see how it might seem suddenly potentialy invasive after living so far away to suddenly living so close, but actually, if you were that way inclined you could just as easily become a pest if you lived a 10 minute drive away as if you live a short walk away.

You could still turned up unannounced, several times a day if you felt like it! But as you have no intention to, I think there are only benefits here.

After living in various places, my sister and I have both recently and quite coincidentally migrated back to a short distance from each other and our parents.

I've just moved from somewhere a 10 min drive from both of them to a house that is a 15 min walk from my mum and a five min walk from my sister. We're a close family but I can honestly say it hasnt really made a difference to the amount I see them. I would have been just as likely to jump in the car before I moved as I am to nip round now as everybody is busy and free time is limited. The benefits are largely childcare related. My sister and i find it easier to help each other out, my mum can walk the kids home and my DD loves it as she doesnt get schlepped around in the car.

I cant imagine feeling smothered by my DM as she's always been a bit of a matriarch. We go to her, the kids go to hers. She comes to ours for specific things, on invitation or appoinment. Not for any other reason other than thats how she does things but it's possibly not a bad policy to adopt if you're worried about wearing out your welcome so to speak.

I think you should just buy the house and ignore what she’s said. Say you’re doing it anyway. She’s being completely unreasonable for somebody who will be saving thousands due to your help. She wants her cake and for you to chew it for her too!! Buy the house.

Don’t really think that will happen as they are both very caring people, but to be honest I’d quite like that. Spending quality time with our Grandson think will not only keep us young and far less sedentary. At the moment being round him really helps my husband’s dementia he relaxes near him, so does things for him without having to really think about it, it’s lovely to watch and reminds me of the man he was not that long ago. So after a long, tiring day with an energetic 7 month old I’d be quite happy to head down the road and watch tv! Plus they are entitled to their family time, they work hard and babies aren’t babies long, so they should enjoy quality family time, and if that occasionally includes us as I think it’s will, than we are very happy with that.

Just ask them to think about boundaries and say what they think is reasonable - as drquin says if these are in place doesn’t matter if you are in Scotland or right next door - they can be agreed and everyone is comfortable. If both parents work full time - weekends are v precious for down time, immediate family time / social life etc so would let them call it - and keep regular reviews. You sound more than reasonable and lucky to have this opportunity. Good luck!

I think where you are in life it would be amazing to be round the corner from your daughter and she would probably grow to feel that too. Your needs would be fairly specific due to your husband’s condition and you’ll want to think about giving yourselves options for his future (ie. bedroom/bathroom access downstairs). This will limit the amount of houses available to you and also these types of houses tend to go fairly quick so if you’ve found the perfect house it would make sense to go for it! I would maybe be a little cautious until their house sells in case the proposed purchase falls through though.

I wouldn’t move, it could be a huge mistake, you are leaving your life and friends. There is nothing stopping your DD and SIL selling up in a few years and moving somewhere else. You might find you are very lonely in the years to come.