Living near family

[oliveoil54]

Hope you can advise, we are currently selling our home with the view of living near our daughter, SIL and baby grandson, at their suggestion, as we will help with childcare a few days a week, and as we are both retired it will be company and poss help for me as my husband has early stage dementia. They are also moving to a better area for a better lifestyle for themselves and the plan is that we will be reasonably near each other.

We are all fine with this and they have put an offer in on a lovely house in a great location, and a nice little village type town, and hopefully they will move soon once their house sells.

Having looked at numerous properties in the local area am finding it really difficult to find somewhere suitable for us that we can afford, as it’s a very nice location properties sell quickly and don’t appear to come on the market very often. I have looked further out from the town, but ideally given problems with husband would prefer not to have a 30/40min journey each way on the days we look after grandson.

There is a property for sale on their proposed estate which is approx 20/25 detached houses away. It’s very nice and would require very little work from us and it’s the right price! But when I suggested this daughter said, they both wouldn’t want us living on the same road as them. Looking on Google Earth you can’t see their property from this one, daughter thinks it would affect their privacy. Even though we def wouldn’t go round unless invited and would expect them to do the same!

I totally understand that they are young and want their own life without input from Ma and Pa, and we are happy to help them out as much as we can, and am very grateful that they considered this option for us being nearer. But think living that bit closer could work much better as long as both families observe the rules, which apply to them just as much as us! After a hard day babysitting I really look forward to my own space a cold glass of wine! But think the ability to have an impromptu night out and me being within walking distance could be good, especially later on collecting from school and going to after school activities etc. Looking after each other’s houses when away, isn’t quite such a chore when it’s just a walk away, rather than a car ride through traffic. And as much as I love my daughter, SIL, and especially our grandson, who definitely keeps us young; I value my own privacy and despite what they might think would not want to be on their doorstep all the time.

We are having to leave our roses round the door cottage in Scotland, which we love but is now just too hard for me to deal with on my own esp our too large garden! But trying to find anywhere else, that fits our needs and doesn’t require too much work that’s appropriate for our price range is proving much harder than anticipated, just wish they would let us consider the property which is too close!

I would really value anyone’s thoughts or advice on this? Especially from people with young families how would they feel if they were in same situation.

I intend to show this and any replies to my daughter.
Thanks in advance.

Sounds like shes just after the free childcare

I grew up living on the same street as my grandparents and it was a wonderful part of my childhood. There were times when it was understood that we could pop round without notice (usually lunchtime until 5ish) and the back door would be open and we’d let ourselves in. We have a big family so it would usually be busy with various aunties, uncles, cousins etc. Any other time we’d call to arrange. No invasion of anyone’s privacy, and my grandparents would never have just turned up at our house. They didn’t do any fixed childcare because my mum was a sahm, but did help out when needed.

So, from the grandchild’s point of view -
Having more loving family so close was very special. I think your daughter should bear that in mind...it also gave my parents all the advantages you mention, and I don’t think they would have changed the arrangement looking back.

Going against the grain a bit here but I feel like there’s definitely some backstory as to why your daughter really doesn’t want you too close. Have you been previously overbearing or interfering?

Just our own family experience ... .

My parents moved from a very rural area in the north to live nearer my sister and her husband and their dc, although it sounds as though they were a bit older than you when they moved. They didn't do childcare apart from the odd night of baby-sitting. (Move was more for my parents sake, than for my sister's ifyswim.)

Both parties were very respectful of each others privacy and they had naturally good "boundaries". Believe me, when my df got cancer and he and my mother became more frail, everyone really appreciated the fact that they only lived five mins away. My sister particularly appreciated it because she was working ft and it was so much easier when taking them to hospital appts, or when they (v occasionally) needed help in the night or in an emergency situation, not to have to do a thirty minutes drive, so suggest that your daughter thinks about this in the longer term!

And just the general non-emergency help was so much easier too such as dropping off shopping, taking over casseroles, going over to help change their double bed, all achieved much more quickly and easily when in close proximity.

You've talked a lot about the helping with childcare side of things but not much about your expectations of your daughter helping you with your poorly husband. Do you think that could be part of the reason she's holding back? Small children grow up and eventually need less hands-on care, but declining parents only need more as the years go by. Perhaps you all need to sit down and discuss exactly how much childcare she is hoping for from you and how much input you are expecting from her with your husband, so everyone is on the same page. There's sure to be a way that everyone's needs can be met, but better to talk it through now before any major decisions are made.