Destroyed his life

[thoughtfullness]

DH says I have destroyed his life, hopes and dreams and that I'm an abuser.

I have MH problems and I know its not easy for him, but I don't have a gun to his head forcing him to stay.

He often says he's just staying for the girls and when they're 18 he will leave. Meanwhile I keep trying to fix myself and build a life worth living with him. I just wanted some reassurance for him that he likes who I am, and that it's enough.

Tell him it is OK for him to leave, he can still be a good co-parent.

DH says I have destroyed his life, hopes and dreams and that I'm an abuser.

He often says he's just staying for the girls and when they're 18 he will leave.

There's no way I would stay in my marriage if my DH said this to me.

Let him go if he says you're destroying his life.

It’s hard to leave when you have kids. It’s hard to know what the right thing to do is.

Honestly being with someone who is thinking the way he is, is never going to help any mental health issues. The best thing you can do is sit him down, tell him straight that it's ok to leave if he's unhappy and to set you free too, you will work with him through it to ensure your children are ok , finances and so on.

Agree with user148, he isn’t helping the situation, for you, himself or your dcs. Tell him it is ok for him to leave, and co-parent without playing the blame game.

You shouldn't be together. End it and focus on being good parents.

I agree with user too.

OP, there isn't a gentle way to say this, but does he stay so that you don't have main custody of the children? If he thinks they need him around full-time, perhaps you could try family therapy, to discuss issues? Ideally you should both be able to move on separately, as being with him isn't going to help your MH.

And if he leaves what will your approach be with your daughters? Will your abusive behaviour fall on them? Will you foster a good relationship between them and their father? How old are they?

Women often stay in shit situations using 'protecting' the children as a defense. We see it all the time here. Sounds like he's doing the same thing.

OP you shouldn't BE together. He shouldn't be staying FOR the children. You are both just teaching them that YOUR brand of 'dysfunction' is normal.

some of these responses are odd.
Abusers often claim that the other person is the abuser.
He doesn't have a gun to his head. He's being cruel.

@TheStopAndChat
It may not be ideal for the children to be cared for alone by the OP, if her MH issues negatively impact on them. We don't know how it affects her behaviour in the home, as the OP hasn't said. All situations are different and we don't have enough info.

Can’t just assume he’s an abuser because he’s male. The responses aren’t odd. We don’t have enough info.

OP has MH problems, her DH is struggling to put up with it.

Considering the attitude OP is giving is her post, I wonder the sort of abuse the kids might go through once her DH is gone.

Don't just assume the man is the abuser because he's made his feelings heard.

Yes it's going to be difficult to move forward from him saying this out loud to me. I don't think I'm abusive but things are dysfunctional and unhealthy.

My friends say he is emotionally abusive, which would include him declaring that's its ME who is the abuser. But then obviously I get wondering am I? Can you be an abuser without even realising?

I have made it clear to him that he's free to go and he knows I would always do what's best for the children and be fair with finances and things. I don't want to be responsible for continuing to ruin his life.

What are your mh problems?

You mentioned that you are 'no angel'. What behaviour were you referring to?
Can you give examples of the dynamics in the home? Who works, controls the money, does the cooking, school runs etc
Do you and your DH argue a lot, or ignore each other and sulk?

I have MH problems. I come with baggage. This doesn't however make me immune to being abused by others.

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you."

Do you actually want him to stay with you if he's saying things like this? Why's it his decision?

I have bpd and ptsd. I protect the children from it as best I can really, they are my priority.

I discuss/(he sees it as arguing) not aggressively or hurtfully) a lot because I over analyse and want things to be better. He withdraws and doesn't want to discuss things. My behaviour is difficult I know. I am not 'happy', I am quiet, pensive, disconnected and sad a lot of the time. He wants me to be happy. I want to be accepted for who I am, which is a damaged person who is sad a lot of the time. I do understand that's no easy thing to do, but he's free to make the decision.

The practical family dynamics would seem pretty equal day to day. I feel he only does things to make himself look better rather than out of love, kindness and equity.

But I have a lot of problems with self worth and thinking things that aren't based on facts.

I want to be with him, but I don't want him to have said those things. But he did and that's reality.

I don't want him to experience any more hurt. I am trying to get better but it's no easy task. I feel like he's disappointed in me every day I'm not happy.

So you mope around and are down all the time? Is that what you mean?

Yes unfortunately. Every day I wake up and try my best not to, but obviously it's very difficult.

Are you having any therapy or medical interventions for your MH problems? If so have they helped? Is now a particularly low patch or the best it has been for your MH?

If he is unable to cope or help then this is likely to trigger and exacerbate your issues. If you didn’t have the extra agitation of an unhappy / dysfunctional relationship your MH issues might settle and you could use your finite emotional energy on your DCs rather than dissipating it on a failing relationship.

Your DCs might well be much better off with quality time with each separated parent that living in an unstable and toxic environment.

Just started a new therapy two weeks ago which is extremely difficult, a bit like ripping the plaster off that was holding everything together. It has the potential to improve things if I engage with it which involves trying over and over again which I'm doing my best, but as it's new it's a bit overwhelming.

I think he is disappointed (understandably) that it hasn't appeared to 'work' yet and has appeared to make me much worse.

I suppose we would potentially be better parents apart. We are probably being selfish staying together.