Destroyed his life

[thoughtfullness]

DH says I have destroyed his life, hopes and dreams and that I'm an abuser.

I have MH problems and I know its not easy for him, but I don't have a gun to his head forcing him to stay.

He often says he's just staying for the girls and when they're 18 he will leave. Meanwhile I keep trying to fix myself and build a life worth living with him. I just wanted some reassurance for him that he likes who I am, and that it's enough.

Could you separate to take a break from each other - so that you have time and space to concentrate 100% on the new therapy without the added pressure of a difficult relationship sabotaging your efforts and he gets some space for respite and perspective. You would both then have down time when you didn’t have the kids to recover emotionally and the kids would have more settled and rested parents to focus on them. See how it goes?

Tbh it sounds like you're difficult to live with and that can bring a partner down...making them miserable.

Just because it's a MH Condition doesn't make it easier for your spouse. He isn't cruel for not being able to cope with it.

From the outside looking in...would you want a child of yours to be with someone like you?

What you're saying is you want him to accept you for who you are?... Miserable/low mood most of the time.

Being honest, who would want a life with a spouse like that? Life's too short.

It could be that he has no understanding and he's abusive.
It could be that your mental health is creating a stiffling and toxic relationship (not that you are being abusive necessarily).
Or it might just be that separately,you are ok people but together you are not what the other needs/can cope with.

Tbh ...words like that (spoken from desperation or ignorance or malice,irrelevant really) are hard to come back from.

I agree that you do sound like your very difficult to live with. In his position I'd probably feel like he said. He has a horrible choice to face, losing his family, house, financial future if he leaves...or maybe his own Mental health is he stays. If you're miserable and argumentative all the time, if course that's going to make him not want to be around you...it's not rocket science is it? TBH it sounds to me like you shouldn't be living with anyone until you have got your issues fully under control.

He is using your DC and your mental health as an excuse to stay because he is afraid of change. Mental illness or not, you are worth far more than being told that you have ruined his life. He is an adult and can make his own decisions, he doesn't have to stay with you and play the martyr.

I separated from my DH in January. He is nearly blind, so I probably stayed with him longer than I should, as I felt guilty. But I was using his disability as an excuse to stay. We are both so much better now, and get on so much better now. Our DC are fine.

I think YOU should leave him. What he said will NOT go away, and you will resent him for it.

“But I have a lot of problems with self worth and thinking things that aren't based on facts.”

What does this mean? A delusional disorder?

Split up.

Seriously. My mother had/has MH and it suffocated the whole house. In your heart of hearts you will know if your MH does have a negative impact in the house and kids. I think then the MH gets blamed instead of just really shit behaviour.

Her and my step dad became so toxic together it was really unfair on my brother and I. We both left and are NC with either of them. She blamed him for her depression and he blamed her for his shit life.

If I was married to some one like my mother no way would I leave the kids with her.

Together they were dreadful

Sorry op if I sound harsh. I’m just speaking from my own experience

I also speak from experience of being with someone with mental health issues, quite bad ones for years and years. They got worse and worse. He checked out from the relationship (apparently cos of mental health). Quite frankly the reasons are irrelevant. He treated me like shit and I got nothing but shit. All apparently because of his issues, even though he apparently loved me. Like pp said, he actually stifled the house, and me really. I don't believe anyone could be happy with him in the house. It was like no one had permission to be happy (and that wasn't cos he exactly went out of his way to make it like the if you know what I mean). I got nothing from him. Why should I be worth nothing cos he's got problems? It affected every part of our lives literally. He was down and moody a lot too. Obviously there's a lot more I could say. And I can't tell if this resonates with you or not but what I'm trying to say is I relate to his point of view, just from my experience.

We are separated now. He still doesn't see how he was and is.

Thank you for all your advice. I don't want to ruin someone's life or mess my kids up.
I've got a few more months of this therapy and then if things haven't moved on I will do what's best for them and move out so they st least will have one fully functioning parent.

Bluecloudyskies and purpleme12 make some important points about separating the issues - it is rarely the disorder/illness that is the real problem, it's just shitty behaviour. I didn't separate from my nearly blind DH because he was blind, I did it because we had a dreadful dynamic between us, he was using his disability to be unreasonable and I was letting him.

I am not 'happy', I am quiet, pensive, disconnected and sad a lot of the time Sounds like he's staying so he can shield the children from your ongoing MH issues.