Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do you think marriage is a deal breaker?

41 replies

CandiedPeach · 07/09/2018 18:37

And if so at what stage?

I’m the one who doesn’t want to marry and my bf says he’d definitely want to be married before he’d plan children. We get on great though, he’s fantastic with my dd. And marriage and babies is a long way off for both of us and there’s nothing to say we’d even get to the stage of even talking seriously about it.
But still this has got me thinking, is it worth a relationship at all if you don’t share the same future goals?

OP posts:
Thatsfuckingshit · 07/09/2018 18:48

It really depends.

If you are stead fast in knowing you won't marry and he is the same as in he knows marriage is something he wants. Then probably not worth continuing the relationship.

Have you both discussed your reasons for how you feel?

Thatsfuckingshit · 07/09/2018 18:51

Oh and as for the question in your titled for some people it is a deal breaker for others it's not.

I am, however, a believer that no-one should move into a property in someone else's name, have kids and give up their financial indepence without marriage. You see lots of women left with nothing after a rleationship breaks down because they had kids with men who didn't want to get married. The men own the house, keep working etc I wish more of those women saw marriage (or some sort of protection) as a deal breaker.

theboud · 07/09/2018 18:54

It’s a deal breaker for me. I absolutely wouldn’t have had children with someone I wasn’t married to and I was really clear about that from quite early on in the relationship.

IME women’s careers and financial stability tend to deteriorate after they have kids. So I’m not taking that gamble without the legal protection of marriage.

There were also some romantic reasons but the legal stuff was the main thing.

Winchester89 · 07/09/2018 18:57

It would have been for me- as would no kids.

Mrskeats · 07/09/2018 18:58

It is for me yes.

Isitovernow · 07/09/2018 18:59

As with everything, I think it really depends on the individuals involved.

I'm pro-marriage (even though I may be headed for divorce!), so I guess I'd wonder why he didn't want to get married if he didn't want to. If the reasons were good enough, I might consider foregoing it but I'd be pretty gutted!

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 07/09/2018 19:10

We haven’t really discussed it at all Thatsfuckingshit. I knew from the start he wants a family, and he classed that as wife and kids. I know I’ve said i don’t want to marry but more like ‘I’m not bothered for marriage’ way so I’ve not been clear and said definitely not.
But honestly I think I thought as a man he probably thought marriage was the ‘right’ thing to do before children and maybe liked the idea of it. I didn’t realise he felt quite so strongly about it.

I’m wondering now if we need a proper discussion about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
CandiedPeach · 07/09/2018 19:16

I guess I’m hoping it’s not a deal breaker for him. But at the same time I wouldn’t want him to always feel like he sacrificed something he really wanted.

OP posts:
category12 · 07/09/2018 19:21

If you intend to have dc and intend to reduce your hours or become a sahm while your partner doesn't, then marriage is a good idea to protect yourself financially. It gives you rights in the event of your partner's death that are difficult to replicate in any other way.

What's your reasoning behind not wishing to marry?

HavelockVetinari · 07/09/2018 19:23

Saying no to marriage is (IMO) saying you are not commuted enough to legally tie yourself to the other person (despite, bizarrely, having DC with them Confused).

happymummy12345 · 07/09/2018 19:24

It would be for me. I always knew I wanted the fairytale wedding and children. If the person I was with at the time was 100% sure they would never feel the same then I would have to end it. I couldn't sacrifice my dream.

ComtesseDeSpair · 07/09/2018 19:25

If you’re not fussed and might consider it then you just need to tell him that. You might change your mind, you might not, and he needs to decide on that balance how he feels continuing a relationship with you.

It’s a dealbreaker for me in that I won’t consider it. I’m not planning to have children and have assets and property I’ve built up on my own: I don’t want to risk losing my stuff in divorce and limiting myself to relationships with men in equal or better financial positions as me where it wouldn’t matter seems like a joyless way to go about things. Though it’s relatively rare, I think, for men to be absolutely insistent on marriage: they aren’t socialised to the romance aspect of it as women are.

I think if you plan to have children and don’t have assets, marriage needs to be something you insist on. Women invariably get screwed over during separation when they realise they’ve sacrificed their earning potential as part of becoming a mother and their ex partner owes them nothing but child maintenance.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 07/09/2018 19:35

Saying no to marriage is (IMO) saying you are not commuted enough to legally tie yourself to the other person (despite, bizarrely, having DC with them confused).

Because everyone who gets married stays that way, until death do they part!
I don’t need the legal protection of marriage and I don’t want the piece of paper to say if I’m committed or not.

OP posts:
m0vinf0rward · 07/09/2018 19:39

No way no how. The only reason IMHO to get married is if you intend to have kids, otherwise no real benefit.

ChanklyBore · 07/09/2018 19:41

Well, my partner is going through life feeling like he sacrificed something he really wanted, because I won’t marry him.

Problem is, you can’t half get married. In the same way you can’t half have children. There is no compromise to be had. I told him from the start I would not, and he chose to stay. It’s his choice. If marriage becomes more important to him than I am he is free of course to go and marry someone else. My reasons behind not marrying, amusingly, have changed over time. But they are practical ones, financial ones, emotional ones and social ones.

mrsmuddlepies · 07/09/2018 19:41

I know plenty of women who don't want to marry because they are divorced/ widowed and wary of sharing asset. I have a feeling it affects widow's pension if you remarry.
I think it is hard if one party comes to the table richer than the other, particularly if both already have children because of previous relationships

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 07/09/2018 19:41

Definitely want dc category12, but have no intention of being a sahm or being the only one who makes career changes/sacrifices. That’s something we both agree on and personally I feel is far more important than agreeing on marriage.

I don’t like the whole idea of it. The giving away, women changing their names, belonging to someone. I know you can do it without all that, but then I think what’s the point, when I’ve absolutely no desire to be married!

OP posts:
TooMuchPenis · 07/09/2018 19:41

I think it's very useful for a stay at home parent or a person likely to be out of work on maternity leave with a few kids but I don't see why it should be a deal breaker unless that's your partner is planning for himself? If I really loved someone and it was very important to them for whatever reason, I'd probably consider it but keep it low key?

category12 · 07/09/2018 19:42

Well as long as you're fully informed of the benefits and drawbacks of marriage (a lot of people don't seem to be).

I think it is a dealbreaker - you need to be on the same page as your partner longterm, otherwise it's a road to resentment. As long as you're honest about where you stand to your partner and there's no fudging, then it's their choice to stay or move on to someone who does share the same life goals..

m0vinf0rward · 07/09/2018 19:42

Definitely a case of once burnt twice shy.

TooMuchPenis · 07/09/2018 19:42

I don’t like the whole idea of it. The giving away, women changing their names, belonging to someone. I know you can do it without all that, but then I think what’s the point, when I’ve absolutely no desire to be married!

seriously, registry office, they have three options. One is basically, "yes, I agree". Boom. Sorted.

TooMuchPenis · 07/09/2018 19:44

A religious reason for it would be more of a deal breaker for me.

there is the possibility that civil partnerships will be available to straight couples in the next few years which might coincide with you being long term with this guy. I think that throws out a lot of the baggage.

JuniLoolaPalooza · 07/09/2018 19:47

The thing is, if one of you wants to get married, and the other one doesn't, the one who does wants the whole shebang, not just the fact of it (registry office comment above). I'm not bothered at all about being married but if we could just go to registry office one afternoon and do it, fine. DP, however, if we bothered, would want all the bells and whistles...yet has no interest in sorting all of that out - doesn't want it that much! So we're at a bit of impasse really. He may come to my way of thinking. It's not a deal breaker for him, thankfully.

Original poster
CandiedPeach · 07/09/2018 19:51

I still don’t want to be married though TooMuchPenis. I’d actually be ok with the party, I love a good wedding. I just don’t want to be married.

I guess I’ve just got to be honest with him and tell him that! I do definitely want children though so if he says no kids if we don’t marry, then a deal breaker for me.

OP posts:
MaryandMichael · 07/09/2018 19:54

It just cheeses me off when women don't think ahead, don't discuss the future with their 'partners' or their OHs, and go on blithely believing he'll marry them, on no evidence whatsoever.

So, if you're thinking of shacking up or breeding, work out what your really want and don't go ahead with anything that doesn't suit you. If you want marriage, say so, hold out for it, if he won't marry you show him the door. Whichever way you go, always bear in mind you might find yourself alone with children, so all the way along safeguard your home and your financial provision.