Do you think marriage is a deal breaker?

[CandiedPeach]

And if so at what stage?

I’m the one who doesn’t want to marry and my bf says he’d definitely want to be married before he’d plan children. We get on great though, he’s fantastic with my dd. And marriage and babies is a long way off for both of us and there’s nothing to say we’d even get to the stage of even talking seriously about it.
But still this has got me thinking, is it worth a relationship at all if you don’t share the same future goals?

You definitely do need to be very clear - the half 'I'm not that fussed' isn't far. You only need to read the other thread in relationships (called something like 'dp won't marry me')to see what damage lack of honesty/clarity can do to the other party

*fair

You do need to be explicit about not wanting to marry at all ever, if that's your position.

As long as you're aware of the financial benefits to you (or lack of them should your partner pre-decrease you) then it's up to you.
Personally , financially, for the sake of any future dc and you I'd have no objection to a quick trip to the registry office. Nothing needs to change but you will be protected financially. It's a no-brainer imo. The law will probably change at some point, but in the meantime would I put myself and any children financially at risk fuck no.

We haven’t discussed it batshitbetty and I haven’t exactly said that. I just meant more like I know marriage/weddings have come up and I know I’ve not been like ‘yay, I can’t wait to get married’ but until recently (we weren’t somewhere I wanted a in depth discussion at the time) I didn’t really think about how strongly he wants it compared to how I don’t.

I often read this on MN about how marriage is crucial for security for women, but having looked into it I really can’t see why I need it. Can anyone help? I’ve read the page about the differences in UK law between marriage and cohabitation but can’t see how I would benefit.

I’m a decent earner, as is my partner, but I’d be fine supporting myself/me plus kids if we had them and split up. We rent atm both on the lease and are planning to buy but would both be on the mortgage. My career is such that if I did go part time for a while after having children it wouldn’t impact my progression and I could return to full time easily.

We are considering marriage anyway, but I’m curious what protection marriage could offer me if I’m not going to give up my career, it won’t be affected by going part time, I would only buy jointly. Anyone got any idea?

That’s partly why I do t want to marry PunkrocketGirl59. I don’t think the whole women needing the protection of marriage is right or should be the case. Fortunately I don’t need it and if I’d been married to DD’s Dad I’d have potentially come away with less than I had.

I’m the same as you OP. I know all the pros and cons of marriage and still don’t want to do it. We have kids, been together yonks, have kids. I have a career and neither of us rely on the other for finances. It’s great.
BUT we both feel the same.. it is a dealbreaker for some men just as it is for some women

Whatever the pros or cons, I find it astounding that so many people move in together, have kids, share bank accounts, and yet don't actually sit down and TALK about this stuff.

If you can't talk about hopes, fears, beliefs, principles, what on earth are you doing?

I find it astounding that so many people move in together, have kids, share bank accounts, and yet don't actually sit down and TALK about this stuff.

We haven’t done any of that stuff venusandmars! We have started looking for a holiday for October half term so I’m thinking I should probably speak to him before we book something, so I don’t potentially lose my deposit if he thinks it is a deal breaker.

Not for me.

In fact I always found it odd that people could be so fickle as to be prepared to make a life long commitment, but equally as content to walk away just because the other person wasn’t ready or didn’t want marriage.

I don’t want to get married though, so the boots on the other foot in our relationship.

The giving away, women changing their names, belonging to someone.

You actually don't have to do any of that stuff. So find it odd that, that is your reasoning.

You may not need the legal protection. But what about him. If you are both going to make sacrifices for kids (which is the best way imo) does he need legal protection? One of the reasons that me and dp haven't moved in together is because we need to sort this stuff out. I own my home. I want to protect my investment. But then I don't want him, moving in, paying towards upkeep for years and having to walk away with nothing. I wouldn't accept that so wouldn't put him in that position.

The problem with setting up wills and life insurances etc so you have the same benefits as marriage is that your partner can change those without you knowing.

There's also inheritance tax issues when you aren't married.

I don't get why people are really for or against marriage. Marriage is what you make of it and what you and your partner want it to be. If you are making a well informed choice, either way, then go ahead and live that way. You should always be aware of the pros and cons.

I don't get people who feel definitively about it.

If you have a child from a previous relationship marriage could end up disinheriting them.

ie

You get married and have your joint marital assets.

You die first.

Your DH will inherit your estate.

When he dies your DD will have no claim on what is now his estate because she isn’t his dc.

Unless he will adopt your dd, single parents shouldn’t marry unless you have already transferred your assets to your dd.

@m0vinf0rward The only reason IMHO to get married is if you intend to have kids, otherwise no real benefit.

Tax planning is the one benefit that did it for me. Given how house prices have gone up since we bought together, there was a very real possibility that I would have had to pay IHT on his estate, including his half of our house, just to go on living here.

The option to transfer assets between us in order to minimise capital gains tax liability turns out to be a bonus.

My parents had a long and happy marriage with very traditional roles. I knew I didn't want that. After ten years together I was sure he wouldn't pull the honour and obey trick and do am content with the tax benefits.

There’s lots of reasons Thatsfuckingshit. Ultimately I don’t want to get married.

He came back to mine last night, he’d been out drinking so wasn’t the time for a serious conversation. He’s still sleeping but I might wake him with a bacon sandwich and just bite the bullet and tell him what I’ve been thinking/worrying about since he’d mentioned ‘getting married’.
I guess it’s better that he knows and then whatever we decide to do in the future he can’t say he didn’t have that information. I doubt very much he’d end things now because we’re no where near the marriage stage yet. But if it’s going to potentially be a deal breaker down the line, then I’d like to know.

Well he talked about it and he said it definitely isn’t a deal breaker for him. He understood my reasons for not wanting to and respected that. For him it’s nothing practical but I guess romantic reasons, he’s much more romantic than me.

I feel a bit bad although he’s saying not to. But I could tell it’s something that he’s always really wanted. I don’t know, I wish it had never come up. We aren’t at that stage at all but now I can’t help but think about it. And as much as I’ve said definitely not, I wonder if he’s thinking maybe I’ll change my mind.