Single parent dating - how soon is too soon

[Mustbebetween]

I’ve been separated 3 yrs, finished with the “should we shouldn’t we try again” dance just under 2.

I’ve dated a bit in that time but nothing serious and had one horrific experience.

2 months ago I met someone and we have just clicked, we get on, he makes me
Laugh, I’ve had to tell him some hard stuff which does affect him and his reaction has been amazing and nothing but supportive.

He’s not in the best financial position which is the polar opposite to me but is grafting hard and will be settled soon, despite that he pays his share. We’ve had a lot of time together during the last 2 months but suddenly it’s kids back to school, us both travelling for work all week and I have zero childcare other than the one night a week I use for work. (Ex is AWOL).

This guy says he’s fallen for me and he’s so straight I think I actually believe him, I’ve never ever considered allowing any prior dates in my house or near my kids.

But to see him, and to see where this goes isn’t going to happen unless I see him out with kids in tow or in an evening in my home. If it makes any difference he has kids of his own, exactly the same ages as me.

I’ve met his mum, and seen him at work if that helps that he’s legit!

So here’s the rub, I’m the blocker, all family, friends, Internet says no WAY you introduce kids until you know it is forever and at least 6 months. But then how as a lone parent without any childfree time do you exactly get to that point??

I am not planning a parade of borfriends, I am not planning on moving him him, I have no idea if this is forever, he isn’t a father replacement, he’s just a friend who is a boy. So exactly how damaging is that for the kids? Would I fuck them up forever having them meet him so soon?

He and I are complete opposites, he’s from a background where new partners are normal, his kids have already met 2 of his ex wife’s (none of his, he’s only dated), he thinks he has no plans to hurt me so why not? I am blocking it as overthink the effects to my kids future attachment issues.

I’d be clear he isn’t applying any pressure just dissapointed we can’t spend time together and sees it as the easy solution.

So out to the MN Judge and Jury???

I jointed sitters and went out once a week on a date as wanted to be sure before introducing to kids. No one plans loads of boyfriends but after a few months it’s still very early days. However your life, your decision.

I’ve thought about babysitting services but trust them less than having me home with someone where, you don’t know the person they are sending?? Also I am really rural so not sure I’d be covered.

It is really early, ideally I’d want to wait but even on a day a week do you really know someone despite the time length.

I suppose I’m corrupted by ex h who I was with for 22yrs until I discovered he wasn’t the person I believed as the scales dropped from my eyes so I’m a bit cynical. it’s really hard!

You need to make time for meeting without kids. Really.
Have you no friends who could do you a favour?

I found sitters to be great to be honest, they have a great referencing system etc.

My current boyfriend met my DD after two months, yes it was early and I rather waited till 6 months but it felt different with him and I was having trouble with childcare as well. He gets on really with my DD and it worked out so far for us!

I was also single 3/4 years before this and DD had not met anyone else so like you I have not paraded any men in front of her.

sans 1 best friend who shagged my DH and the other who disappeared after I did xhildcare for her to meet her BF I do pick them 🙄 have family but they cover work for me.

Safety how old was your DD. I think that’s why I’m thinkinf about this, he feels different, this feels different. I’ve always been adamant no one meets the kids but he’s making me want to break that rule because it just feels natural.

Im a lone parent with no child care so ive decided I wont be dating again.

Watching with interest as this is v relevant to me at mo hope you don’t mind OP

Go with what feels right for you. I split with my husband early last summer, met someone in the spring and at first was adamant I wouldn't introduce him to the children until it was really serious. After a month I decided that actually, him being in the house some evenings wasn't a massive deal for them, didn't do big introduction and only had the "this is my boyfriend" chat with them after they asked a wee bit along the line. It's all been quite natural and not forced at all so to not make a big deal of it, while at same time making sure I gently ask them they are ok with him being around and spending time with us.

My DD is 6, I did think about inviting him around when she was in bed but my DD is too old and would woke up so it had to be all or nothing.

Well I introduced my partner to my kids after about 6 weeks. Two months later I was pregnant and we were living together after 7. We're now married. We both just knew. I wouldn't normally advise this, but it worked for us and I wouldn't change it. I realise it was a gamble, but I was so sure of my feelings. He's my soulmate.

Just placemarking as I've been wondering this, although he comes round a couple of times a week while DS is in bed, but he's 3 so is none the wiser

I've been in this position and it's tough!

When I was dating my partner used to come round after my daughter went to bed (I'm not sure how old your children are). I used to casually tell her in the evening a friend or work colleague was popping over. Me and DP would have dinner together or watch a film. My daughter woke up once but wasn't surprised (as I had mentioned him popping over) and I just got her back into bed. We've been together a few years now and occasionally still have 'date night after she has gone to bed even though I can leave her for a bit now, as it reminds us both of the early stages of our relationship.

It gave us a strong foundation for our relationship, as otherwise we would have rarely seen each other as I have no family support locally.

I really appreciate the perspectives. I think the no big deal a friend coming over And checking along the way may work. I have Male friends anyway! They love the guy who works for me what’s the difference I guess?

My husband used to come round while the kids were in bed when we first started seeing each other as had no one to babysit apart from my mum and I didn't want to lie to her or tell her I was seeing someone till I knew we were serious.
But I told my son and the rest of my family after 6 weeks as I thought if they wake in the night they may be startled by a strange man being downstairs, so I invited him earlier one night and we all had tea together. By then we both knew we were going to be together and it was also an insight into how they all got along with him and vice versa.

Do what you feel comfortable with. There is no set rule. I waited 6mths before and got dumped at 9mths. Last relationship kids met him ‘as a friend’ on 2nd date at my house.

No dramas - good luck and have a nice time. Happy mum ==happy kids x

When the children have gone to bed he could come round. He doesn't have to actually meet them yet but at least you could spend some time then.

I'm a single parent trying to date too. I wouldn't introduce to your children yet. I'd wait until at least six months.

I would be tempted to invite him over for dinner/film etc after they are in bed though. My experience of dating as a single mum is that the men have often changed/gone flakey etc, hopefully your one is a keeper though!

So tried the “come round after the kids are in bed”, it was lovely yesterday evening until it wasn’t. One kid woke up and refused to sleep until I laid with them, cue kick off screaming when I refused, then waking the other. he was tired after a full weeks work and had an hours drive home. Felt like a total shit kicking him out like he was a dirty secret, but also annoyed at him for feeling like I had to ask him to leave rather than offering. Now I’m tired because it got stupid late me trying to sort it out.

Absolutely not doing that again until I swap my children, with children who sleep!

Sorry it turned out a bit of a disaster! Surely your b/f wouldn't have minded if you had laid with your kid for a bit? Wouldn't it have been better to tell your kids you had a friend round?
I didn't have a choice but to invite 'dates' round, no alternative childcare etc. My son is 9 and spends a lot of time in his room playing computer games and doesn't go to bed til 9ish.
It's not much different from inviting a g/f round really. I just explained to my son I had a 'friend' round and he was ok with that. He never met most of my dates. I now have a 'steady' b/f (6mths) and he's met my son but in front of him, he just acts like a friend iykwim. He doesn't impose himself on my son and that's the important part.
You deserve to be happy so don't give up,

I think maybe I fucked up but so watchful of feeling pressured into things that my reaction is negative to any pressure even if it’s against my instincts.

BF side - he did actually tell me he didn’t want to take me away from my DD and I should go lay with her.

Then said a very long piece about how a man shouldn’t want you to find childcare / seek time away from the kids because if a person wanted me then he also had to want them. He’s be quite happy watching a film/food with kids right there as we are a family I’m not just me.

Then he said I had two options, either he left and went home. Or I brought the kids down, they said hello and then went to bed (I had told them a friend may come around). And the choice was mine (I chose A).

He also said sorry for being too tired to drive home and as a he felt he made me feel pressured and I had enough pressure on me, and maybe he wasn’t good for me but he selfishly wanted time with me because he is falling for me. But knew that is had a hesitation around the kids. He has repeatedly said he’s a good man and won’t just fuck off, he hasn’t expepectes to feel this way about me.

My side - he is just sorting himself and living with a friend right now, I don’t want someone to move in by stealth, or be with someone who wants the life I can give, I had that with ex, he was a user for many years, that makes me paranoid. Having said that this lad is a grafter, works far harder than me, I’m just lucky in my financial position (though I’ve worked hard for it too but the benefit of a high paid education and job).

Having written all that, and remembering I’ve had to tell him some stuff that would make another man run I’m being a cagey dick aren’t I?

FML maybe we should just get the kids together on a play date when he has his and get it over with?

You need to do what feels right for you. We have this instinct for a reason and if yours is telling you, it is too soon then listen to it.

Also just because he meets your kids, does not mean you have to move him in or let him evade your space.

You can still have boundaries.

Sorry if you've already mentioned it but how old are your kids? I think ways to handle this depend greatly on ages of the children

9, 6 and 4 mine are.

I think Safety that’s a very good point, I jump to “committed therefore x, y, z. He has pointed out I do that with a roll of the eyes and a hug.

Oh OK, so a range of ages then

I personally don't know what people think happens at this magical 6 month mark that suddenly makes it OK to introduce partners.

Yeah, it's a good rule of thumb and you should be careful but six months is still too soon generally to say you're going to be with somebody forever. But that doesn't mean they can't meet your kids.

The goal of waiting is obviously to avoid your relationships having a negative impact on your children, so

1. they don't get too attached to someone who isn't going to be around long
2. they aren't subjected to a string of strange people
3. they aren't exposed to somebody who isn't known and potentially dangerous to them
4. their relationship with their parents isn't negatively impacted just after a marriage breakdown etc

By the sounds of it 4 is taken care of, you are satisfied that 3 is as well and it's down to you to police 2. So that just leaves 1 to worry about and as long as your boundaries are good and you're not going to be tempted to play happy families straight away, you'll be fine.

The key is to take it slowly no matter when you do it or whatever the age of the children.

I personally waited a year before my DP and my DD spent time together, but they 'met' after about 3/4 months. She was 3 at the time, her dad and I had only been split a year and he was still very sensitive, and it was easy for DP to come round after she'd gone to bed. I'd sometimes have to disappear for ages to deal with her if she woke. They 'bumped' into each other at home, the local shop and DP helped us move house but she knew him as one of mummy's friends. They just didn't spend quality time together and form a bond for quite a while after.

On the other hand, my niece who is 9 went out for tea my sister's new DP after a few months and this was because she was aware mum had a new boyfriend and was desperate to meet him. They started spending time together as after that but only really on a weekend day one or two times a month for a while.

Mum can have friends over. I have lots of friends who visit who DD likes to see but I know she wouldn't be negatively impacted if they didn't come round again. I think it depends on the emphasis you put on them - to suddenly start having one friend over every night would be a bit weird.

In your situation I think I would be quite open with the 9 year old about your new friend coming over. Presumably they stay up later and can be allowed to say hello when your BF comes over once a week if they want to. At some point the 6 year old can too. Keep it casual, go slowly, don't have him round every night and in a few months, arrange a day out or tea together. Step it up a bit.

Tbh there is no right or wrong here.

You have dated several people and not introduced them, so that suggests you do feel this is different.

My ds met my Dp within days of me meeting him. BUT me and dp were friends for 6 months before we ever realised we wanted to be together. He is a relative of my best friend and we just met him when we were visiting.

Ds, 7, told me that Dp liked me and teased me.. he still doesn't know we are together, though.