Single parent dating - how soon is too soon

[Mustbebetween]

I’ve been separated 3 yrs, finished with the “should we shouldn’t we try again” dance just under 2.

I’ve dated a bit in that time but nothing serious and had one horrific experience.

2 months ago I met someone and we have just clicked, we get on, he makes me
Laugh, I’ve had to tell him some hard stuff which does affect him and his reaction has been amazing and nothing but supportive.

He’s not in the best financial position which is the polar opposite to me but is grafting hard and will be settled soon, despite that he pays his share. We’ve had a lot of time together during the last 2 months but suddenly it’s kids back to school, us both travelling for work all week and I have zero childcare other than the one night a week I use for work. (Ex is AWOL).

This guy says he’s fallen for me and he’s so straight I think I actually believe him, I’ve never ever considered allowing any prior dates in my house or near my kids.

But to see him, and to see where this goes isn’t going to happen unless I see him out with kids in tow or in an evening in my home. If it makes any difference he has kids of his own, exactly the same ages as me.

I’ve met his mum, and seen him at work if that helps that he’s legit!

So here’s the rub, I’m the blocker, all family, friends, Internet says no WAY you introduce kids until you know it is forever and at least 6 months. But then how as a lone parent without any childfree time do you exactly get to that point??

I am not planning a parade of borfriends, I am not planning on moving him him, I have no idea if this is forever, he isn’t a father replacement, he’s just a friend who is a boy. So exactly how damaging is that for the kids? Would I fuck them up forever having them meet him so soon?

He and I are complete opposites, he’s from a background where new partners are normal, his kids have already met 2 of his ex wife’s (none of his, he’s only dated), he thinks he has no plans to hurt me so why not? I am blocking it as overthink the effects to my kids future attachment issues.

I’d be clear he isn’t applying any pressure just dissapointed we can’t spend time together and sees it as the easy solution.

So out to the MN Judge and Jury???

I just think at 2 months you don't know him. I would be cautious of him telling you that he is a "good man".Also, so what if he is falling for you...make sure you feel strongly about him. To often we can't help be attracted to someone who seems keen on us, it makes us blind to our own feelings.

Why not look for a local au pair who may have spare evenings and will be a known entity. Does he have a place you can meet at?

Have you discussed your finances, even vaguely? I.e low of little mortgage.
I was in a good place financially when I met Ex and that made me a target. He had a good job, paid his way, but from a previous marriage and poor choices never established himself. Looking back I should have valued myself more and ensured I did not overrule ANY instincts. Don't force yourself to move faster than you want, no man is worth that.

See that post is the type that makes me hesitate as my defences come up about there being an ulterior reason for being together but in reality it is highly unlikely I will meet someone who would be in a better financial position than me, ever. We have discussed finances and he has a patchy background but is working his arse off to get into a good place, and there are very valid reasons that he's there. We have discussed finances in depth. The whole area makes me worry!

On a more logical front it's been fine the messaging this morning and we accepted 50/50 blame for the disaster last night? It is his emotional intelligence which draws me I think, he makes me feel safe when we speak and calms me. I like him a lot, I find him attractive and he's awesome and giving in bed 😂

As others have said, trust your instincts.

Timing is important and just because him coming over with the kids in bed was a disaster last night, doesn’t mean it always will be. I remember (now) DH2 and I pencilling in dates for him to drive up for the evening, but we’d talk at teatime to confirm or postpone... if kids had a good day at school and were calm, and he didn’t have a deadline and wasn’t knackered, we’d go ahead. Likewise even when I had a sitter I had to cancel at short notice sometimes; his relaxed attitude towards all of that is what helped propel us forward quite quickly.

Find a babysitter your dc come first .
Get references, ask the other mums at school for recommendations ect .
If you really want to see him you can find a reliable sitter.

I think you're rushing it tbh.
And why have you discussed finances in depth after 2 months?
too much too soon.

He has no place of his own and you do. You need to be massively wary and don't even think about letting him move in with you. Why not just keep him as a date for now, see how you feel in 6 months or a year once you start to really get to know him.

I wouldn't be having him over I would get a babysitter, however difficult. It will be good for your social life anyway, to start to find a babysitter or two you can trust.

lovely why would seeing him not be putting my DC first? Honest question.

San makes it sound like we sat down with spreadsheets it's just come out bit by bit as we have spoken, linked to future home plans, relationships with exs, general "ah stressed today as x hasn't paid their invoice". We talk constantly about the most humdrum day to day life stuff.

I absolutely won't be moving him in, I'm not sure I even want to live with anyone again. I like my own space.

I wrote ' find a babysitter your dc come first '.
I didn't write ' don't see him your dc vine first '.
Sorry if you misunderstood .

Ok thank you, do you think them meeting g him would be damaging? And how? Also a genuine question! I just swing between he can just be a friend and they'll have attachment issues for life if this isn't forever like a seesaw and I wonder if I'm overthinking it s little!

I have a friend going through this at the minute. New b/f would come round after dd was in bed but she is not a great sleeper my friend would end up yo-yo-ing up and down or staying in her bed until she was asleep and then find bf asleep on sofa.

After 4 months she decided to let them meet. They met in a park so it was neutral territory and walked the dog. Then she saw him at a mutual friend's bbq, then the beach...

After a few weeks he came round for dinner and her daughter didn't bat an eyelid, went straight to bed with no issues and slept through. I think she picked up on her mum being different or having a secret person in the house.

They have all been camping together this summer and he stayed in the tent next to them. He is very patient, but his ex won't let my friend meet his son yet, so I think he is aware of how important it is to not interfere with parent/child relationships or to rush things

My dd is younger than your dc, but I stressed and worried about this so much. We did manage him coming round when dd slept (she sleeps well) but I never fully relaxed and didn’t feel completely right. What I finally realised was that, it didn’t matter how long I was with my bf until he’d met dd and I’d seen how he dealt with that. Then our relationship was never going to move past that first stage. So saying I’d wait a year or two or even five, made no difference really.

We did a neutral meeting the first few times and I’ve been clear we’ve to take things slowly. Just because he’s been for dinner one night doesn’t mean it’s going to be every night of the week and when he’s here he fits into our routine. I do what I’d always do with dd, he tends to bring his work and will get on with that while I’m doing mum stuff ir he’ll just watch tv.

He’s great though and and really impressed me, it’s honestly shown me that we could have a real future.
From the first few meetings I knew that for me, that’s what I needed to see before I could really properly think of him as more than someone I was ‘seeing’ (if that makes sense). He was just so natural with her and intrested without forcing it or seeming like he was trying to win her over or anything. Same when he comes to mine now, he just fits in. I don’t feel under any pressure or added something/someone to deal with. If dd wants to see him, play with him he’s welcoming (he read 5 stories in a row the other day 😂) if she’s not fussed for him he leaves her be.

I think Op, it’s one of those things you’ve just got to try sometime. Don’t rush anything, don’t feel bad if you go back a step and just see where things go.