Living in the shadow of the late wife

[everyoneissomeone1]

Hi .. I'm finding things a little difficult sometimes..
Some background, I've been with my partner 2 years coming up..
his late wife (who I knew very well as a child) was killed in a car accident leaving him to bring up their 3 year old who is now 16.

I'm happy to talk about past as we all have a past but at every single family gathering his late wife is always spoke about , 'oh that's where you got married ' oh a hot air ballon you went in one with 'do you remember ' it's all the time ....and it makes me feel second best, if he ever posts an achievement on fb about his ds .. the comments are 'your mum will be so proud ' and it turns it to a memorial post .. he dont talk about her often but when he does I'm happy to talk but it's his family it's all the time and I'm getting to the point I avoid seeing them .. I feel second best and I'm finding it really difficult, coping mechanisms please??

Tbh I couldn't cope with it and would have ended it...but I'm not that patient.

have you tried bringing it up with your husband before? i appreciate it must be so hard.

That sounds really hard for you. Tbh this seems to be a common thing with widowers - the late wife is now an angel and is immortalised in perfection. At least with an ex-wife who is still alive, although she may still be spoken about all the fucking time, thanks DP’s family! there is also an acknowledgment that things didn’t work out and that he’s chosen a new partner because he wanted to, not because he had to!

I don’t know how you deal with it, because even if you can sensitively bring it up with him, you can’t control what his family say.

I’d certainly remove him (or at l say hide him) and his family from your Facebook - that should be one place you can go and not have to feel like shit! I removed my DP and his family from my FB, as we split up a while ago. When we got back together I realised I don’t actually miss having them on there. His ex chips in on every post he or his brothers make, she’s always first in there with a comment and always about what amazing dads they all are and how proud their mum would be of them (even though she never met his bloody mum either!). So I’m not re-adding him - if we want to share photos or congratulations we do it in person or by iMessage not in public. My Facebook is my space to share my own things with my friends and family. I do put the occasional photo of us together but I don’t/can’t tag him. Doesn’t matter!

Do yourself a favour and step back from it all. You know in your heart they are trying to keep her memory alive and make sure the DCs know she’s not forgotten but there isn’t a good way for you to put your point across without sounding bitter. Which is sad for you, but unfortunate part and parcel of marrying a widower.

I can see that this would be difficult but you say you've only been with him 2 years, the child is 16 lost their mum when they were still tiny, so this has been a big thing for years and years and you've been his partner for a very short time in comparison. I think if the relationship's good and he loves you you need to be more patient with the rest of them who've been living with this huge trauma for a very long time. Have you talked to him about how it's affecting you, hearing his family constantly refer to her?

*I’d certainly remove him (or at least hide him)

Stupid autocorrect!

Thank you everyone, it's very difficult as for me I was married for 17 years and I divorced my husband so I do t really want to talk about him , but obviously the late wife is looked upon as an angel and they 'his family and I've met the late wife's family ' rightfully so speak about her all the time , she cooked this , you went there I'd understand if it was infront of their child but it normally happens when it's just the two of us. I did kind of say when we were walking once I can never be her and I wouldn't want to be although she was a nice girl I am me and I deserve my own worth. When it was said the other day about 'oh you got married there' when we left I said 'why is it everytime I see them they have to bring things up, he said 'I know'... he changed the conversation straight away with them .. but I dont want him to feel awkward he shouldn't have too but I shouldn't have to feel I'm the second choice, is that how they are making me feel or is it me reading into it?? I sound harsh don't I , but I guess your right this is what to expect being with a widower.

I am me and I deserve my own worth. Absolutely

Has he had a word with them, asked them to maybe be a bit more sensitive - not necessarily her family, but certainly his. Perhaps make the distinction that when the kids are there you know it’s important but as a couple you need them to acknowledge that bringing up his ex all the time (no matter how wonderful she was) is not giving your relationship a chance to flourish. He needs to do more to help you here.

Is it that there is a very consistent pattern and they always has in his family always always mention her?

For example my in-laws never ever fail to mention that they want us to move closer to them. They know it winds me up but they say it anyway Like A verbal tic.

You could approach it with your DP that you don't want to see him over sensitive but does he know why his family always bring it up does he think they feel that you are not good enough for him and are trying to Hint that he find someone else? You could say that you are trying to work out why they always mention her to you. I very much doubt that they're talking about her all the time when you're not around. It's like having you around remind them of her.

You could even Echo the sentiment to his mum and Dad and say do you realise that you always mention her? Just ask them why they think they do it and did they realise they were doing it. Give them something to think about. The reaction should be quite telling.

You can always just say that you'll find it interesting or that you want to understand it and not talk about how it affects you as in that you find it upsetting or you feel that you're living in the Shadow of the dead wife.

Why do you think they do it?

I have no idea why they do it , I don't feel it's because they dont accept me, it's strange because after the late wife died he met someone and had a child with her ...that went sour and there is never any mention of her and that child.

If was was to say anything to them I'd appear bitter and I'm not bitter I'm just sad that if our relationship blossoms which it has for nearly two years that I will always be thought of like I'm the one he got with because his future with ** couldn't be... I guess it's something I have to deal with , bloody hard tho x

I agree with the 'verbal tic', analysis.
Its very common when families meet up that old chestnuts are aired and somehow slid into superficial type conversations.
And it becomes a habit after a time.
I had a relative who was told by another relative at a family gathering... that a Sunday lunch she'd attended at mine over twenty years ago hadn't had Yorkshire pud served with the meat...Shock horror!
Ever since then, at every family gathering, I get the 'Of course Pallas can't cook you know, she's good at cakes but she doesn't do big dinners...'
Its all a load of bollocks of course but there it is. I have an undeserved reputation that I simply can't shake.
I think this is what's happened with the reputation of his late wife. She's become a family touchstone. Only, unlike me and my family's narrative, hers is a superstar story.
She must be mentioned so that any upset is acknowledged, dealt with, dispersed and homage can then be paid. The narrative construct therefore continues to inhabit their reality giving them some sort of comfort I suppose...
You say the child and second wife/partner are never mentioned and I find that interesting.
They have constructed a comfortable (to them) narrative in which an approved drama is played out each time you all meet up. But events that detract from the approved drama/narrative are simply shut down, never to be heard of again.
Not a particularly nice family are they?
Its hurtful, but I would rise above it and maintain my dignity through silence or non contact or a combination of both. To challenge the narrative will very likely cause problems that it would be very difficult to manage OP...but I would be very, very tempted to mention the child...

the late wife is now an angel and is immortalised in perfection

This is where it's at really isn't it?

If there's one thing I've learned is you can't change people's behaviour or the way they look on the deceased. You can either accept it the way it is or break up. Normally I'd suggest talking to him but I'd be afraid his wife would become even more like an angel if you made it clear you don't want her talked about.

Or you could look at it that there is a young man in the family who they all love and who very likely doesn't remember his mum at all so everyone is trying very hard to keep her memory alive for him. And get over yourself.

I'm a bit with Ultra on this. To lose a parent so young is awful and it sounds like the family have pulled together and kept this boy's mum front and centre. Do they have to suddenly stop talking about her because his dad has a partner who is getting upset about it?

I think bringing it up will just make you look churlish and childish. Learn to live with it. His first wife is dead; she's no competition to you. Yes, the halo effect will be a big factor but does it matter? How do their memories really affect you?

What about this other child he has had in the meantime though OP? does he not see that child?

Ultra & Olly

Did you both choose to over look the actual facts?

The OP understands when his son is there, but they’re doing this when he’s not there.

She is dead. She died in the most awful, shocking, tragic circumstances. They loved her. They still love her. No doubt she genuinely was a very special person. Of course they want to talk about her.
She is the sixteen year old’s mother who died when they were three. I can’t imagine anything much more devastating and life changing than that. That kid deserves and needs to have their mother remembered.
It is not directed at you. Why on earth are you taking it personally?
Stop looking at Facebook yes, but you should say nothing.

She's no longer here and all they all have are their memories. Imo it's important to keep her memory alive, especially for her DS. Yes it's hard, but imo she should remain on her pedistal because she's no longer here.

I'm newly widowed so can probably stand this from the other PoV. The comments may be just simply people still mourning / their way of remembering. Every Facebook post that gets put up by my mil is something to do with mourning, grief, how she was a fantastic mother there's always a link back and it's even getting on my nerves so you do have my sympathises. Could it be that they are just in the habit of talking about her. I have two small children and we make a conscious effort to talk about him in front of the children. Perhaps you partner needs to remind people that this isn't perhaps necessary all the time now the child is 16.
I'd try to rationalise this a little as you say it's relatives that are doing this and not your partner. I personally do
Not know
How I would ever entertain anther relationship so from that PoV perhaps your partner is rocking it.

AnnieAnoniMoose, they're remembering their daughter /sister / neice, they perhaps want to talk about her because OP knew her as a child or maybe they want to tell OP what a lovely woman she was.

everyone He needs to talk to his parents (and anyone else doing this). It’s not fair on you, on him or on your relationship.

Obviously she was a big part of (all of) their lives and their grandson’s Mum, you’re not asking to erase her from the picture, just that not everything needs to be pointed out, all of the time. It has become habit and they need to stop it.

I’d suggest he thanks them for helping him to keep his wife’s memory alive for his son, but that when he’s not there, he would appreciate them reigning it in because because it’s up setting him, that he’s struggling to be comfortable around them, with you, when they keep mentioning her all the time. That obviously she will always have a place in his heart, but he loves you and he has a life with you and that deserves respect too and part of that is not ‘remembering when...’ at every possible opportunity.

I disagree and unless OP sees the in laws and has this on a daily basis then imo she IBU. I'm also in OPs position

AnnieAnoniMoose, they're remembering their daughter /sister / neice, they perhaps want to talk about her because OP knew her as a child or maybe they want to tell OP what a lovely woman she was

No, this is his family. They’re talking about their son’s late wife.

She knows she was lovely. She’s not asking for her never to be spoken about, just that not every little thing needs to be referenced back to her. Especially when his son isn’t there.

Oh dear. What a difficult subject for everybody.

What about saying something to DP's parents with great love and compassion next time it comes up, like "you must still miss her very much. You mention her every time we see you." That might just be enough for them to twig that it's hard for you to hear every time, without placing you as the bad guy asking them to sweep her under the carpet and forget. I don't think you can ask OH to say anything to them. I think it's one of those things you might have to accept as a quirk of their family and remind yourself is not personal against you.

What are they like as people in other ways? Kind, considerate?

I think YABU. If they were divorced or separated that would be one thing but they all obviously really loved her and want to keep her memory alive. 2 years isn't really a long time so if you can't cope I'd leave now.

It’s all very well saying they miss her etc, but why is the child not mentioned? Does your DP see him?