Living in the shadow of the late wife

[everyoneissomeone1]

Hi .. I'm finding things a little difficult sometimes..
Some background, I've been with my partner 2 years coming up..
his late wife (who I knew very well as a child) was killed in a car accident leaving him to bring up their 3 year old who is now 16.

I'm happy to talk about past as we all have a past but at every single family gathering his late wife is always spoke about , 'oh that's where you got married ' oh a hot air ballon you went in one with 'do you remember ' it's all the time ....and it makes me feel second best, if he ever posts an achievement on fb about his ds .. the comments are 'your mum will be so proud ' and it turns it to a memorial post .. he dont talk about her often but when he does I'm happy to talk but it's his family it's all the time and I'm getting to the point I avoid seeing them .. I feel second best and I'm finding it really difficult, coping mechanisms please??

That kid deserves and needs to have their mother remembered.
It is not directed at you. Why on earth are you taking it personally?
Stop looking at Facebook yes, but you should say nothing.

I agree.

My Dd’s boyfriend’s mum died when he was 4. His dad has remarried and he talks frequently about his late wife in front of his present wife. His present wife brings up events too. Sometimes the 23 year old son is present, sometimes not. I think it’s a wonderful way to be, the new wife is a generous, kind woman, with a heart of gold.

Op you sound insecure, the women is long gone, stop worrying about her.

Being jealous of a dead woman seems like and awful waste of time to me. Sorry to be blunt.

It's still very early days OP so things might change in time. You've not been together that long. Also people process sudden tragedies differently to other types of grief so its not unusual that they talk about her.

You absolutely shouldn't be compared and I hope that he and his family can be a bit more understanding if you have a chat with DP at some point. It might be too early yet though.

Hi OP. I have to say, I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. By way of context, I'm a widow, dating a widower. He has no kids, my DD is uni age now.

I think it is very insensitive that family members constantly do this when you are present. Particularly over such relatively trivial things eg what his late wife cooked. Does that really need referring to, especially after 13 years?!! Why bang on about things relating to when he got married etc? I'm attending an event with my DP soon when some of my late husband's family will be present. If any of them start going down that line in front of DP, I'll be cutting them off as I think it is just bloody rude.

The other thing that made me sad was you saying that posts relating to his DS's achievements tend to turn into memorial posts. That is so sad for his DS - is he never just given credit for things he has achieved in his own right, without having all the memorial stuff accompanying it? I very rarely post this type of thing about my DD, but on the odd occasion I have, I keep it all about her and will just say to her privately how proud her dad would have been. She feels his loss enough at key times, without having every random person on FB wittering on.

I know it feels difficult talking to your DP about this as you don't want to appear unreasonable, jealous etc. I've had my share of this this, believe me! However, if you do feel able to speak to him, I'd keep his DS out of it - that's beyond your control really - but focus on what is happening when it is just the two of you.

Thank you all for your posts ... i dont think I can say anything to my partner as it's not his fault his family say the things they say, I will just back off from them I think. As for his ds , I actually have a great relationship with him , he often turns up for a natta and I was there to help him dress for his prom and I told him how proud his mum will be and gave him a wooden heart to pop in his pocket to remind him she was with him .. I have spoke to him about his mum and the fun we had when we were kids etc.. I want to keep her memory alive .. the issue I have is when my partner and I are with his family his son not about at all that's when they continually drop her into everything, if we plan a holiday ... why don't you go there you went with , it's all the time .. I am not * I want to live my life with my partner and make our memories.. but I'd never block anyone talking about her why would I , I just wanted some coping mechanisms as to how to deal with the fact they make me feel like the second choice , and yes I am the second choice but we have a life to live and I'm alive and so is he.. as for the other "forgotten " child and the years he had with her it's like that never happened and I feel for that child also as his ds has a sibling that he never sees but that's not my place to say either

You are not second choice , you are first choice at this time.
We are all a part of a circumstance from just deciding to go out or not , walking down that street - we wouldn't have met you if we hadn't done , been or this hadn't happened.

I think his family are scared to let her memory die but have got it out of kilter. Do they feel they are being disloyal to her memory if they don't include her. Idk

What relationship do you have with his mother. Would it be possible for you to talk to her about how much you love her son , want to keep his deceased wife's memory alive but also build new memories. Just thinking this may help it.

It's so hard.

OP, they probably don't imagine for one second that you could possibly feel jealous of a woman who's been dead for 13 years, and talk freely as memories pop into their head on that basis.

I don't see how you can bring it up without looking a bit churlish tbh.

I think it's something you have to come to accept in the knowledge that how they feel about her is no reflection whatsoever on how they feel about you.

I think you do need to speak to your DP about it because it’s all got a bit out of kilter. It’s like her death is the only thing they have in common so it’s the topic that binds them together. It’s one thing mentioning her when DS is there but it really shouldn’t be mentioned when he’s not. They should be talking to you and getting to know you. It’s like it’s become a habit. They are talking about somebody who is dead all the time but they’ve got a grandchild somewhere who they never mention?!? It’s all very weird in my opinion. Doesn’t he see this other child? Does he pay maintenance? Why doesn’t he make any effort to see his child!! Just because the relationship with the mother went sour doesn’t mean the child should be punished and denied the chance to know the half sibling. For me, that situation would be more of a concern/red flag than the dead wife conversations.

OP, you sound a lovely thoughtful person and you do have my sympathy. I had the same experience with my ex partner, whose third wife had died just a few months before we met. He actually contacted me and made it clear he wanted to start a relationship, which we did. However, it soon became very clear that I WAS second best, even to the point, that, when he eventually moved in with me, he had a large photo of his wife on the bedside cabinet. He said it was so she would be the first thing he would see on waking! Needless to say our relationship didn’t last long! In hindsight he just saw me as a meal ticket, and at the time I was too stupid to realise. But I really don’t think you are being unreasonable at all, but as pp have said, the problem is if you say anything then it reflects badly on you. Just have to bite your tongue I guess. It’s hard I know.

OP Have you ever read Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier? It’s about a wife who didn’t realised her worth and lived in the shadow of the deceased.

The frustrating thing throughout the book for me was that she needed to be the one to change the situation. Someone else made the point that trying to change other people can be fruitless but changing your reaction is within your power.

You know your worth. Believe it.

Join in the conversation about the dead wife and steer it. Once you butt in you will remember them about you.
Minimise your contact by doing other things rather than seeing them.

Remind not remember!

I disagree, it is his fault that they do this, because he hasn’t spoken to them about it. He knows how you feel, but he hasn’t dealt with it. It’s his late wife, he has a greater ‘ownership’ of this situation than they do. If he wants them to stop bringing her into every single thing, he needs to tell them and they should respect that. You’re not asking them never to mention her, just not to do so ALL the time. Saying you should go to x on holiday, where you went with ‘late wife’ is not right. He’s with you, you are planning a holiday and are trying to create your own memories and enjoy your relationship.

You aren’t trying to pretend she didn’t exist, you’re not asking they never mention her, just to give you and your relationships with him, and them, space to grow.

I think you do need to talk to him, just avoiding them will cause issues and won’t solve the problem.

Or close them down yourself. ‘Yes, I know partner & ‘late wife’ had a great holiday there, however, we want to go somewhere different and make our own memories’.

They are being really inconsiderate & rude.

I have to say, the massive red flag is that he doesn't see or appear to reference his other child. Neither it seems does his family. That would be something I'd be very wary of.

All I know with the past 8 yr relationship with the other lady is it went very sour and he tried to gain access through the courts and was granted but it went pair shape and he dont see him anymore.. he pays maintenance.. but it's like that part of his life is the forgotten and they revert back to pre then ....he talks about his other ds and how he misses him, the family don't ... another example we were at an event recently and something got posted of us public and he had a message from some random saying I went to school with ** he just ignored that (I forgot about that until now) but why would you feel the need to message someone who don't know you who you can clearly see is with someone and say I went to school with your late wife , are they wanting a medal or something, who bloody knows how people tick

None of it makes him sound good tbh.

first of all i would encourage him to go back to court and get at least visitations with his other child.
I dont think you are out of line about his dead wife. i would be annoyed if i would have to listen that for years when his son in not there. I wouldnt want to live with all of them in the past.