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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Couples counsellor - is this right?

39 replies

Klytemnestra · 07/09/2018 11:59

Hi,

Im really struggling with overwhelming levels of rage and anger after finding out about my husbands infidelity 3 months ago. He has been advised by several counsellors that he has a sex addiction (though likely early stages) based on compulsive sexual behaviour re porn (it had started branching out to other areas also). The last 3 months have been a tornado, the huge shock but also the repeated after shocks as he has been drip feeding new things ie he swore blind he had disclosed everything then has been revealing new betrayals or details as we have been talking or arguing during waves of rage that I get. This has left me feeling very ungrounded and out of control - rage is not normal for me and my emotions range from weeping, grief, shame etc but all very extreme.

We have seen 2 other marriage counsellors
First one, he lied to and I refused to go back. Second one, said she couldnt see us as a couple until he sorted out his issues and recommended he see a sex therapist. Third one is a couples counsellor with a lot of sex therapy experience - perfect. We have had 2 sessions. One of his new 'truths' came out in the car on the way over to our third session yesterday and I was so andry and hurt about finding oit about yet more pointless deceit and lying that I walked off a few minutes before we got there and refused to attend the session. He went anyway and spent 1.5 hrs alone with the couples counsellor.

She is the only person I trust at the moment and the only person I had supporting me and us as a couple. Im furious she saw him alone as it feels like a betrayal of the trust we needed to have with our marriage counsellor at such a delicate stage. I would not have agreed to them seeing eachother alone if I had been consulted. My husband is also seeing 2 other personal counsellors and it feels like he has 'taken' this one as well. I feel utterly isolated.

Given my emotions are hardly stable - hugely magnified and volatile at the moment - I dont know how unfair I am being. I cant get perspective, am so confused, I thought the counsellor was meant to be impartial and supportive. Seeing him one on one for 1.5hrs when I was not ok with it and wasnt even asked if I was ok with it feels like yet another violation of trust. She has since emailed me to ask if I want to have a one on one session, but now I dont feel I could trust her. What she did seems unethical to me and not respectful.

Any help out there?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 07/09/2018 12:04

I think your directing your anger at your husband towards your counseller. Do you want to stay married to him? You can't trust him that's for sure.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2018 12:06

What is the point of this ?

Swopping from counsellor to counsellor until you get one that says the things you want to hear. Wasting time and money walking out of sessions.

He is a liar. No amount of talking to strangers will change that. You say you yrusted the latest counsellor but what does that matter ? The true point is you don't yrust your husband and unfortunately his behaviour has made it so you never can.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2018 12:07

*trust

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 07/09/2018 12:09

This is clearly a difficult time and your feelings are valid, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her seeing him alone when you didn’t come. He hasn’t taken her, she continued in your absence, and is now offering to redress the balance by seeing you alone as well before continuing together. Why is he seeing two other counsellors alone, surely one would suffice?

MaryandMichael · 07/09/2018 12:10

A session was booked and only one person turned up. Fine. Your therapist has not made a commitment to be faithful to you.

Your world is so messed up at the moment. Stop looking for therapy. You aren't ready for it.

Do you want this husband? Why? He's unfaithful and he's into porn. He's got a 'sex addiction'. Oh my. And you want him?

Sack him. Get him out of the house, out of your life. You need legal and financial advice, not counselling.

When you've got your own place, when he's not in your daily life, then go to counselling to adjust to your new circumstances and to get rid of the emotional baggage.

You'll feel so much better.

Lastoftheusernames · 07/09/2018 12:12

I'm sorry you're going through this but is your relationship really worth this? What are you trying to fix? You would be better off finding a counsellor to see you one to one if you need support to get through this.

Him seeing so many counsellors feels a bit like it could be feeding things rather than helping him. He's not going to change, is he. Best to focus on accepting that.

AnyFucker · 07/09/2018 12:14

By the way, do not medicalise his sleazy cheating as an "addiction"

He is a compulsive liar and escalating seeker of cheap thrills. He has put your mental and sexual health at risk with his pathetic lack of ability to be a decent person

He is not worth the shit on your shoe. No man is worth this.

Loopytiles · 07/09/2018 12:14

Get a counsellor for yourself.

LTB.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 07/09/2018 12:17

In all of the cases where the couple genuinely works through infidelity the cheater has been honest, transparent and remorseful in the aftermath. Your H is still in self preservation mode with his continued lies, he isn't considering your needs or wishes. You're asking him to change a fundamental part of his behaviour when he clearly has no wish to. What do you think counselling, either joint or alone, will achieve?

Loopytiles · 07/09/2018 12:18

The counsellor was in a difficult position. One 1:1 session seems fine, and she has offered you one too.

Original poster
Klytemnestra · 07/09/2018 12:21

Thanks for messages. MaryandMichael, I think your advice is very wise, but at this point I cant think straight.

His was emotional infidelity that he had already eroticised and was moving fast to physical affair. The porn was completely secret from me. He had started flirting and approaching a lot of women at work (apparently).

However, on balance, we have 3 young children. We were happy together and my shock has come from the fact we got together because he was the most decent, respectful person I had ever met. We were very much in love. We are meant to be moving overseas in 6 weeks to live and work and all the counsellors were likely a desperate attempt to throw as much support at it as possible as this move abroad has been a dream for our family for many, many years. It is a sad situation.

OP posts:
Poudrenez · 07/09/2018 12:24

Hmmm... trainee counsellor here. I honestly can't imagine that your couples' counsellor set out to betray you, but I can see why you would feel the way you do. I would give her another chance, and if she's any good at all she will be able to handle you telling her that you feel betrayed by what has happened.

As you've said, "She is the only person I trust at the moment" this is important so please don't throw it away. And I agree with pinky, this sounds like anger at your husband, directed at her. All totally normal and within her job description, IMO!

Original poster
Klytemnestra · 07/09/2018 12:32

Poudrenez- I was so angry last night as had a somewhat exteeme reaction to what felt like yet another betrayal re more details from him, and a betrayal from the counsellor also. I threw my husband out of the house, smashed all our wedding china and emailed the counsellor to say I thought she had been unprofessional as speaking to him without my agreement was against the ground rules she set out herself.

Sadly, too late.

OP posts:
Original poster
Klytemnestra · 07/09/2018 12:34

Somewhat bad behaviour from me, and not within my normal range of reactions prior to finding out about my husbands behaviour. I cant seem to get control of myself.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2018 12:44

This is what he has reduced you to.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 07/09/2018 12:53

I don’t think you can approach counselling together whilst it’s so raw and you’re feeling this way. I think you need to ask him to leave, at least for a while, and focus on yourself. Maybe get some counselling alone to help you process these feelings.

SandyY2K · 07/09/2018 13:23

I don't think she did anything wrong ethically.

Lastoftheusernames · 07/09/2018 13:32

I hope you aren't still planning on this move, as a couple anyway. Please don't think it will be a solution and everything will be ok once you move.

Adora10 · 07/09/2018 14:06

What Any Fucker says, your interpretation of your relationship is not what it was in reality; I have no idea why you are flogging a dead horse, counselling will not change his personality. he's a liar and a cheat, moving overseas will not change his personality, this is who he always was, the sooner you realise this the sooner you will be free of a man that has zero respect for himself or you.

Loopytiles · 07/09/2018 14:16

Moving abroad with all this going on - terrible plan! Your H will seek to use it to sweep his actions under the carpet.

Sexual harassment of colleagues too - nice!

Are you moving for YOUR iob? Really hope you are not planning to move for his: if so, pull out immediately.

Where you’re moving to will you legally be able to bring DC back to the UK (or your home country, if different and you may wish to live there) when you divorce?

Loopytiles · 07/09/2018 14:17

Also, even if you are moving for YOUR job, don’t get into a situation where he is primary carer.

UnderMajorDomoMinor · 07/09/2018 14:26

It’s very normal for a couples counsellor to see the couple separately. They will normally agree it with both people but if only one turns up they may well go ahead with the session. They aren’t a personal counsellor so they are working on you as a couple, he hasn’t taken her.

However, a counsellor can’t work with someone whose in counselling already. It may be possible to have personal therapy and couple therapy but your husband shouldn’t have 2 personally therapists. I assume he hasn’t told them about each other.

Go back and see her. But maybe think about whether preparing to separate and go to your own personal therapy is a better choice for you.

Original poster
Klytemnestra · 07/09/2018 16:05

Thank you. I asked him to leave yesterday, reiterated it today, and he has left. I know he was never a good partner given what I know know about his lies and secret flirtatious behaviour over the last decade, but I thought he was the best husband anyone could have. The chasm between the two people he is has left be in extreme shock. I kept hoping I was wrong and that he wasnt that bad, but the lying and games even months later show that Im not wrong. He is a very messed up person. The lies and deceit dont add up to what I know ie why lie so much as it doesnt seem to be covering up anything that bad.

Either he is a compulsive liar and/or he is covering up something more. It is utterly devestating. I had desperately hoped we could commit to 12 months in the new location to see if we could work through it.

I didnt think, ultimately, I would be able to forgive him but he has been saying how sorry he is and desperately trying to fix things. Sadly, his actions dont support his words.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/09/2018 16:10

I don't see what other choice you had. I am sorry.

Adora10 · 07/09/2018 16:14

You had no choice OP, words are easy to say, after all his words over the last decade have been utter lies; you don't need him, someone who puts your health and mental state in turmoil; honestly, you will see this in time, you want to hold on to what you thought you had, but you never did have that; I think he's quite happy with himself, otherwise he'd had sought out help a long, long time ago, he's just sorry you are finally putting an end to the humiliation. Look after no 1, he does not care about you, sorry but he's not fit for purpose.