Couples counsellor - is this right?

[Klytemnestra]

Hi,

Im really struggling with overwhelming levels of rage and anger after finding out about my husbands infidelity 3 months ago. He has been advised by several counsellors that he has a sex addiction (though likely early stages) based on compulsive sexual behaviour re porn (it had started branching out to other areas also). The last 3 months have been a tornado, the huge shock but also the repeated after shocks as he has been drip feeding new things ie he swore blind he had disclosed everything then has been revealing new betrayals or details as we have been talking or arguing during waves of rage that I get. This has left me feeling very ungrounded and out of control - rage is not normal for me and my emotions range from weeping, grief, shame etc but all very extreme.

We have seen 2 other marriage counsellors
First one, he lied to and I refused to go back. Second one, said she couldnt see us as a couple until he sorted out his issues and recommended he see a sex therapist. Third one is a couples counsellor with a lot of sex therapy experience - perfect. We have had 2 sessions. One of his new 'truths' came out in the car on the way over to our third session yesterday and I was so andry and hurt about finding oit about yet more pointless deceit and lying that I walked off a few minutes before we got there and refused to attend the session. He went anyway and spent 1.5 hrs alone with the couples counsellor.

She is the only person I trust at the moment and the only person I had supporting me and us as a couple. Im furious she saw him alone as it feels like a betrayal of the trust we needed to have with our marriage counsellor at such a delicate stage. I would not have agreed to them seeing eachother alone if I had been consulted. My husband is also seeing 2 other personal counsellors and it feels like he has 'taken' this one as well. I feel utterly isolated.

Given my emotions are hardly stable - hugely magnified and volatile at the moment - I dont know how unfair I am being. I cant get perspective, am so confused, I thought the counsellor was meant to be impartial and supportive. Seeing him one on one for 1.5hrs when I was not ok with it and wasnt even asked if I was ok with it feels like yet another violation of trust. She has since emailed me to ask if I want to have a one on one session, but now I dont feel I could trust her. What she did seems unethical to me and not respectful.

Any help out there?

Amen to that

Thanks for the support. Its all very white knuckle as the person Im desperate to turn to is the one that has caused all the pain.

You have absolutely done the right thing. Your ex is an absolutely massive liar. Find a counsellor for yourself only, someone you can trust, and use the space to calm down, find your self-respect and get rid of your ex.

Regarding your original question, it depends what was contracted with the counsellor. If it was stated that the session wouldn't go ahead if only one party turned up, then she breached the contract. In the scheme of things, you should save your rage to get rid of your ex.

OP, I do know what this feels like totally, discovered my H has a chronic secret porn habit too and had always said he used it very occasionally when away, not the case (and I wouldn’t have had an issue with that) I do have an issue with 4 or 5 times a week the minute I’m out. This is on top of finding out a very old emotional affair.(11 years ago) I am still here but like you I still feel very let down by someone on paper who was the least likely candidate to do this , only difference is he isn’t a ‘womaniser’ in terms of flirting etc . I do appreciate a lot of men are secretive about porn but It’s the need to get on it the minute I’m out that peed me off and lying about it

That's horrible Yetmorecrap, I'd lose any respect for my partner if he was rushing to go online to oggle porn the minute i left; is he 14 years old, or is he doing something pretty risky, either way, it's a deal breaker, I hope you are at least forging your own happiness now, I do remember you.

The way I see if it any woman comes on here to complain about their partner's porn use, then yes, it's a problem.

Hi Adora, well I haven’t left but I have built up my friendships again and frequently think ‘bollocks’ , we do get on well day to day a lot of the time and I’m just keeping an eye on it , any signs of webcams or hook ups etc then I am off!! But I must admit it annoys me, he doesn’t fully know how I know as he is very careful, it’s been brought up twice, he stood for a month then starts again

Yetmorecrap - you must be so hurt. Sounds very similar. I wouldnt have described my husband as a womaniser, but as part of turning over every stone in last few months I read his work instant messages. Lots and lots of flirting with women. Not overtly sexual, bit def flirting. Creating opportunities.

Also found out about a 4-5 times a week habit. Compulsive, statted watching it at work, looking up adverts for threesomes in the area ie a man to join us. Am so shocked. Just unbelievably had not a single clue.

How are you dealing with it? What have you done / are you intending to do? Sending you a big hug.

Sorry, awful typos!

I don’t know if the OP though is talking escorts or hook ups or ‘chatting/sexting’ . Whatever it is even if it’s just normal porn, if it’s a dealbreaker, it’s a dealbreaker, I wish some guys would get that not everyone is cool with it and one reason is for some it can lead to the other stuff she mentioned. I think if you get to the point of smashing stuff though it really has to involve at least a break for the OPs mental sanity, whether temporary or permanent. I met a lovely lady over a year ago married to a very clever nerdy guy, two girls under 8 and unbeknown to her was doing everything under the sun, Craigslist hook ups, sexting, escorts etc , he seemed so pleasant and ordinary , really does shake your faith and trust to be honest.

Sorry OP, cross posted there, will send you a PM and a hug x and a Vat of wine!!

Thank you yetmorecrap.

Anyone else sat at home on mumsnet on friday night to hand hold me through my first night of separation? Its white knuckle - swirling abandonment, rejection, hate, sadness, fear, shame.

Ive been cuddling my youngest to sleep since 7pm, she is 2 years old and sobbing for her Daddy. She keeps calling out for him and a few hours ago was pushing me and screaming to get away from her. Not like her. It is just awful.

I'm here OP. I'm sorry it sounds tough with the kids. Have you spoken to your kids? Kids are really perceptive and know when something isn't right, so maybe just have a word with them that's appropriate for their age.

Have you got some support around you? It must be really tough. I've got a DP with a porn addiction problem who is seeing a counsellor. It's been on going for years and never really goes away, which is hard. Sometimes I feel like things will never really change as even though he is seeing a counsellor, they only hear what he tells them.

You've been very brave, give yourself a treat tonight, you deserve it.

Thanks HandOff. Im only just learning about porn addiction. How did you find out about your DP's porn addition and how bad is it?

Ive spoken to the kids and they are struggling with it. My aim now is to provide a more stable environment and reassure them that theyre loved, we both still love them but that things willl change re how we live. All 3 of them were very sad tonight.

Stretching out a hand OP. You sound very strong to have made the decisions that you have, and your children truly will benefit from that strength in the long run. It must be a long and lonely Friday night, but it will get better. I hope the children are asleep now and that you can get some sleep yourself.