Alcohol shame

[JulosMac76]

Hi All,
I've been making a real effort lately to cut out/back on alcohol. I'm not a drunk but drink wine in the evening way too often. Myself and my partner decided no more midweek and have been doing fine. Last night, however, the lure was too much and I secretly snuck some sips of whisky straight from the bottle before he came home from work. Stupid. By the time he came home I was drunk and struggling...of course he noticed but I passed it off as a side effect/feeling unwell. He was incredibly worried about me and is still so. I am so ashamed of myself. So much so that I just wanted to put it out there in writing. I'm not looking for sympathy, simply wanted to share. Thanks for listening

I don't think drinking whisky directly from the bottle because of the lure means that your not an alcoholic!
Do you think AA could help you here?
Might be worth looking into.

Sneaking behind your partners back to drink clearly means you struggle with your drinking. You're trying to pass it off as you have a couple of glasses a night, but it's not the case is it?

I'm like you, I drink wine a bit too often in the evenings and I am also currently cutting down. It's hard to say from the info in your post how much you were drinking, what you are trying to achieve long term etc. But I see it in one of two ways. Either the regime is too strict. For example, if you were drinking nearly every night and tried to cut it to weekends only, that's tough. I started with every other day and am improving slowly from that point. Having too harsh a cut down plan will lead to exactly the situation that's happened to you.

Or, you need more intensive support. In which case you could go and see your GP. There's lots of help out there. Our surgery has an alcohol worker. If my plan to do it alone fails, seeing them will be my next step.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It's happened, move on. But have a think about why it happened and what steps you need to take.

It feels like you are struggling to be honest about your relationship with alcohol - posting here is a great first step.

Some sips of whisky couldn't possibly have made you drunk and struggling esp if you have a reasonably high tolerance for alcohol. I wonder if it was a panic reaction to knowing it would be days before you could have a 'legitimate' drink?

Rather than feeling only shame (which itself can be a trigger for the classic 'pity drinking'), I would try to see the positive in this situation, which is that it's starting to show you the truth of your relationship with alcohol. You may not like the truth but it gives you power to start to make better choices.

For now I would start to do some reading about problem drinking and see what resonates with you. I always recommend this one to people who want to give up booze completely. You may not be at that point (or maybe not yet) but it's worth a look - completely not-judgemental and honest.

Good luck.

I don't disagree in the slightest that I have a problem with alcohol and didn't mean to pass it off that I wasn't aware I have a problem. I drink between a half bottle and a bottle of wine 5 - 7 days a week. I am very seldom "drunk" or out of control. I have started reading My Naked Mind by Annie Grace which is helping. I'll check out the other book too - thank you.

Have a look at the Adrian Chiles - Drinkers Like Me - programme on BBC, OP. It's an eye-opener.

It did sound minimising. I think you do have to use this as a serious turning point as this ain't normal.

I also slip into drinking too much wine on too many evenings and have to police it so I know what you mean.
Sneaking enough whisky to be struggling when your partner gets home, then lying that you were ill is not great though.

You were already both aware that you needed to cut down. I’d take a deep breath and fess up to your partner. It’s really important to be honest about this stuff, for your own mental health as well as your relationship.

Don’t slip into the trap of hiding your drinking. It’s a very slippery slope.

Thanks everyone. I've told him I have a very real problem and need his help. Which he is more than willing to give and has been great. I didn't think it would be so difficult to stop. Last night was indeed an earth shattering turning point from which I will learn.

I agree I need to tell him the truth and plan to do so, I'm shitting myself though...only because he'll be so disappointed in me. Which I deserve!

Please dont be too hard on yourself, fully agree getting so drunk that your partner notices is more than a few sips but admitting you have a problem is a massive (and very hard) step to take.

Clearly I had more than I thought I had...hence the problem.

Needing to drink stealthily from the bottle really does indicate you have a problem so well done for accepting that. It really is easier to overcome this with professional help, so do talk to your GP. NHS addiction services have been cut to the bone, but they can signpost you to local organisations who can support you. AA is one option, but it isn't a surefire cure - there are other methods that work as well. You will simply have to see what works for you.

Good luck.

Thank you. I will find a way. I have no doubt. Easy to say now and a journey ahead but I will not let this destroy me and those around me x

I watched Adrian Chile's documentary and then tried to reduce my drinking during the week too.

I also ended up swigging whisky from the bottle because that was all that was in the house.

Selfishly I am Glad I'm not alone in that mission.

It's not a nice place though. "This Naked Mind" is proving to be a mind altering read

Hello,

This is a great start OP. Well done for getting it down in black and white...

This isn't about what your DH thinks of you though, this is about you and the possibility that you have an illness that causes you to have a reaction to alcohol.

I'd highly recommend an AA meeting. There does sound like quite a lot of denial in your post...

If it's affecting your life it will only get worse unless you take it very seriously...good luck and hugs xxx

Well done OP for recognising:
you need to cut back,
making a start
recognising that the secret whiskey drinking behaviour is problematic.

Well done on committing to opening up to your OH - they would have known anyway if you were drunk.

You got to Thursday - so you were probably craving and obsessing for Friday. Keep an eye on this feeling. Maybe the first week is the hardest?Maybe next week will be easier?

What are your plans for alcohol over the weekend?

Thank you.
I've not had anything to drink this evening and plan an early night. Tomorrow we have a big day out with friends. I plan to closely monitor what I drink. Right now I'd rather not drink at all. There are ten of us, everyone drinking so not the best...! Then nothing Sunday and attempt as long off after that as possible. I'm also going to look into a support group or similar on Monday.
I've been in denial. Probably still am on some parts I am sure. I'm 42, my father died of alcoholism at 47 (the anniversary of his death was yesterday ironically)...I can't tread the same path

It's a big step to recognise that you do have a problem , well done . I think it will be difficult for you to cut down because it's so easy to then get carried away. I would try and cut it out altogether , then it's black and white with no room to slip back into drinking too much. Good luck Op , life without alcohol is just as good as it is with it .

Good on you, first steps and all that :) the journey will start slowly and have bumps along by the way... you’ll do groups, read books, monitor your intake etc, etc... all excellent in becoming aware how powerful alcohol is. Good luck! If you can cut back successfully that’s wonderful. I had to stop all together which was a massive lifestyle change and took a lot of hard work, therapy and medication x

Imo the anniversary of your father's death and being lured to the bottle is no coincidence and worth investigating. Did you need a coping mechanism?

I second that life without alcohol is just as good as with if not better!

Once I got used to it - which took some doing at the beginning I loved it!

No hangovers, easy to make plans all the time, no cancelling things or horrid mornings. I don't even go to bars or clubs now which I would have thought totally boring but I don't miss it one bit. I'm more of a day person now, Avis horse rider etc.. I've filled the gap and then some ;-)

Be kind to yourself and treat yourself to something nice if you can..

Xx

I think the fact that you were brought up by an alcoholic and lost a parent to alcohol adds another significant dimension. Even if you were teetotal you would need some support to address the damaged caused by this situation. Take a look at Al anon, google “Adult Children of Alcoholics”.

I also drink too much. Having watched the Adrian Chiles programme also I’ve downloaded the Drink Less app. I’m being totally honest with it and logging my units. I’ve had 3 alcohol free days this week and I feel I’m doing a bit better but it’s not easy. Good luck to you. I hope you find the right help and support x

OP, I'm going to toss you an alternative and maybe you can see if it resonates with you. I'm going to pre-face this with the fact that I had an unusual upbringing/role model in terms of drinking; I KNOW this isn't the norm nor am I saying it is, but I thought a different point of view might help you :)

So my dad raised me as my mom wasn't in the picture on a steady basis. My dad would drink around 4-6 beers on the weeknights and more on the weekend. I tried asking him about his habit when I was a teenager and he said "Listen mate, I don't spend money on hobbies, and I don't go out a lot. The way I relax after a 10 hour day (in addition to a 1 hour commute to work, and a 1 hour commute home). He then went on and asked me if I'd ever seen him miss work or his responsibilities from drinking, and I honestly hadn't. To add to this as long as I can remember since I was a little girl I had never seen my dad get sloppy, aggressive, or violent when pissed. He just got happier and more fun to be around. So I left my dad alone after that but continued to keep an eye on him silently. As far as I go when talking about drinking, I don't even drink socially. When people ask me if I drink I just say no, as its easier than telling them I have 2 pints no more than twice a year. It just isn't my thing, but I can respect those that do choose to drink.

I wanted to go over that as I felt it was relevant to what I'm about to say. If your drinking isn't affecting your work, home life, finances, or health negatively then I don't think imposing "Ill only drink on x days" is going to do you any good. In fact, I can see it hurting you. Sneaking whiskey because subconsciously you never wanted to stop drinking your wine is going to do way more damage to you than if you had stayed with your wine.

So instead of limiting yourself to certain days, why dont you limit the amount you can have per day? 5 ounces of red daily has amazing health benefits!

www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/wine-how-much-is-good-for-you

A 5 ounce glass daily can lower your cholesterol, and improve your brain function. It will also keep you from sneaking sips of alcohol that doesn't have the same benefits. It might be worth reading about, the benefits of red wine, especially if you're going to speak with your husband.

So that's ny two cents, which is again based on the assumption that your wine drinking isn't affecting your life negatively in any way.