Why am I fearful of the men with no problems or issues yet manage relationships full of complication? Help me do the right thing with someone new this time...

[itsnotlight]

I have a history of choosing unsuitable men. I've never really admitted that, but at 35 I have taken a look at the past relationships and they are as follows:

1. Uni relationship that ended after 3 years. It was reasonably childish - we did discuss a family etc but neither of us were focused properly on it at that age. Fizzled out.

1. Mostly happy relationship where he moved to Aus for a job and I didn't want to go as I had a very good job here/he said he would come back after 6 months. He didn't.

1. Dated a man for nearly a year where he turned out to be married. This nearly destroyed me in terms of my own confidence. Even before I knew he was married (when obviously it ended!) he couldn't have children and didn't want any. He was 15 years older and already had 3

1. Last relationship was a year long and can only be described as the most horribly abusive thing I have ever been in - everything was about him. I don't know why I stayed so long.

All I have ever wanted is a strong relationship and family. I've done the career thing, got my own home, my own life. I want a husband and children and I'm ready for the family thing. Why have I gone for men who weren't right? In between these men I have met people who were actually very decent - I was just never interested! I seem to latch on to the struggle of being with difficult men or men who can't give me what I want.

I've met someone very recently, a month ago. We speak everyday, he makes me laugh, there's no pressure from him to meet up (we've only met twice so far!) although he suggests it often. He doesn't get annoyed or offended if I am busy. He has a good job and a focus on that. I am excited to talk to him yet also crazily scared about the whole thing...like I have been with all those other men I look back on and didn't develop anything with.

I don;t fancy the pants off this man, but then I didn;t with numbers 3 and 4 above but as I got to know them it developed. Why can't I let this develop with this man who is really down to earth and funny and makes me feel happy? How come I can only develop a relationship where there is some sort of issue or problem, and more to the point, how do I combat this fear and just get on with it?!

Anyone? :)

Have you had therapy, OP?

Im sorry i don't have any real answer, i do sometimes feel as you do when it comes to relationships.
At 37 id love to have a normal drama free relationship, guess some people are unluckier than others when it comes to love

Its not as simply as just being unlucky in love; patterns of relationship behaviours that are ultimately destructive along with continuously choosing Mr Wrong can and do develop over many years standing.

If your last relationship in particular was abusive then I would urge you to enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid to help you reset your boundaries in relationships. These were likely messed up to begin with and this abusive man would have done his own damage here to already messed up boundaries. Love your own self for a change OP before you start to date again. The last thing you need at present is yet another going nowhere relationship.

Did anyone really bother to show you what a mutually healthy relationship looks like; I guess not sadly hence you keeping on going for the emotionally unavailable or otherwise just plain nasty or otherwise abusive. Was a parent the same?

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents show you?. Was your dad emotionally absent?. What was your mother like?. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?.

Do you have rescuer and or saving tendencies?.

Maybe you feel that you are not good enough for this seemingly nice man. Maybe a relationship without all the dramatic highs and deep lows is not something that you are actually used to.

Again I doubt very much sadly that anyone bothered to show you what a mutually healthy relationship looks like and you still do not know even though you state you want a strong relationship and family. Your whole approach to relationships needs to be rebuilt from the ground up and I would suggest too you find a therapist to work with to unpick all the crap you have learnt about relationships to date.

I grew up in a stable family home - my parents are still together and very happy. Whilst they show each other a lot of love, affection and security, i never felt that properly as a child. I knew they loved me and I have a reasonably good relationship with them now. I always knew they loved me but I definitely struggled with self worth growing up and definitely did not feel (and still do not feel) my parents can be depended on emotionally.

As a role model for a marriage, however, they are there for each other.

My main issue is that I am aware of these behaviours. I know I have gone for the wrong people and rejected those who offered me simplicity. While it is important to consider why i am at this point, i also would like to move forwards and try and do right with this new man and see if the uncomplicated way forward works...

someone mentioned whether i feel i am not good enough. i definitely feel that, although it is deep down and to chat to me he would not know it. i come across as confident, independent and witty when dating. and i am all these things often, but it is just tinged with a self doubt that actually worries when nothing is wrong!

OP, I think there's some contradiction (perhaps deep-seated and not immediately in your awareness) about your home life, which might be worth exploring in therapy.

I have a sense this lies at the heart of your lack of deservingness - particularly as it is mirrored in the dynamic of not feeling loved and secure as a child, no matter how close your parents were with each other.

I remember distinctly - very distinctly - telling my therapist that I had a "perfect childhood" when I first started going to therapy. It is incredible how we can protect ourselves from the truth.

If i am being honest, my childhood was not perfect though i spent many years going along with the idea that it was. my parents are happy together but that is separate to how i felt growing up. there was no security felt there and it is still absent, despite the money, gifts, chats and nice occasions and laughs i have with my parents. none of it replaces that sense of emotional security and makes it all look perfect to the outside world.

im 35. is it too late to find a decent man?

Its not a matter of luck. itsnotlight acknowledges she is strongly attracted to unavailable men who provide excitement and the thrill of the chase. The basis of this would probably much more complicated that low self esteem. But given your age this may be your last chance for children of your own. Even if you don't feel strong passion towards him, this is probably a relationship worth pursuing.

But it will be difficult. You will feel deep dissatisfaction because the intense emotional highs and lows you apparently need will not be there. You will have to work through this, and counselling will definitely help. Good luck.

scott thanks for the reply - this was the sort of practical advice im after.

i really and truly do want children and a family. i am good at my job and feel i have the emotional intelligence to be a good parent and wife and i have great relationships with my friends. the self-esteem is there somewhere, but i know i have a problem in going for unavailable men - for some reason they seem safer!

this new man, let's call him peter, is so uncomplicated. i really really enjoy talking with him...why am i so scared when he more closely represents a future i want than the previous men?

itsnotlight

re your comment re your parents:-

"Whilst they show each other a lot of love, affection and security, i never felt that properly as a child. I knew they loved me and I have a reasonably good relationship with them now. I always knew they loved me but I definitely struggled with self worth growing up and definitely did not feel (and still do not feel) my parents can be depended on emotionally".

Well there you go, that is the root of all this and this is where it all started with you. They never made you feel good enough emotionally although they more than adequately provided you with material things. You may have felt like a third wheel to your parents and their own love for each other.

I would certainly find a decent therapist to work with to deal with the above (BACP are worth looking at) and unpick all this. This will be an investment in you that is worth it.

And no, 35 is not too late at all to find a decent man. But you need to love your own self properly first and work on you.

The uni boyfriend sounds pretty typical; few people want to stick with their first proper boyfriend. The second one is what often happens when you have a thing with someone from abroad. The third one - you didn't know he was married; he tricked you - you didn't know he was unsuitable, and when you found out it was, you ended it.

The last one turned out to be awful, but again you didn't choose someone you already knew to be horrible, did you? How are these relationships not just normal early partnerships or bad luck?

why am i so scared when he more closely represents a future i want than the previous men?
Because more depends on this than it did in the past? Firstly because this could really be a decent man and you don't want to muck it up, and secondly because you are 35 and feel like you are in Last Chance Saloon?

Its nothing to do with the image you present to the outside world. It's what you feel on the inside that counts really and your previous abusive relationship as well really did further screw up already not firm or consistent boundaries.

Your parents were and remain unavailable to you but its not your fault they are the ways they are. You did not make them that way.
Unavailable men seem safer because that is what you were taught and what you yourself only know. As I said before no-one's ever bothered to show you what a mutually emotionally healthy relationship is like and you don't know now.

This relationship with this nice man is without drama; all the deep lows and highs associated with such really car crash types of relationships.

Uncomplicated is good, just take this a day at a time.

And what ravenmum and Scott wrote earlier.

raven i have always felt like this with 'decent' men - i.e. men who seemingly at least have no complication and are straightforward.

the previous relationships were not like that - i knew the Aus guy wanted to travel when i met him even though i wasn't into doing that and just wanted to settle. the married guy didnt want children yet i went for it anyway. the last guy was awful from the start...had LOTS of emotional baggage and was fighting over custody of his kids when i met him.

so overall i dont think it is unusual for me that now another nice chap is here i am unsettled by it...it is like i feel i have no role to fight for something i think? it just 'is' - which is what a settled family life looks like but that scares me.

i am hoping it is good that i have recognised this now and i hope all isnt lost.

Relationships are not supposed to be hard work, that is a big fat myth. Yes, you should work at your relationship but that is not the same thing at all. What you were doing the whole time in those previous relationships was firefighting, lurching from one crisis to another and settling for crap. None of those relationships were ever healthy relationships for you to be in.

What do you mean by fight?. No-one should have to fight in or for a relationship, if you do the relationship is not good to begin with. Why does the idea of a settled family scare you so; is that also because your childhood that you seem to think was good actually was not as great?. Your parents sadly never gave you what you needed emotionally from them.

Sounds like you are pretty self-aware, then - sometimes it does take a while for the penny to drop, but once you've worked it out, you have something to work on.

Agree with Attila that these relationships with a catch are more exciting. You are not going to see a film about a couple who meet, get on well, easily settle down and are happy, are you?

i think i had always felt more secure when fighting for something, as if i can be sure that the other person MUST want me as we are going through whatever it is, together? for example the guy battling over custody, it was as if i felt secure in the knowledge that i was putting up with crap from him and supporting him because it meant we must really want to be together. sounds crazy.

peter is straightforward, has a very stable life of his own - own house, good job, a couple of long term relationships but hasnt slagged off the exs and im sure he has his faults im yet to see but he is basically drama and crisis free...

Fear of rejection? If you pick the bad guys you can be glad when it ends... but a good guy? If that doesn’t work out, then what?

Doesn't sound too crazy, I'm afraid - sounds as if you think you are a bit shit, so are choosing men who can't be too picky. If they are a bit crap then they can't be put off by you being a bit crap. This is something I tend towards a bit myself . Sounds like low self-esteem?

Do you feel like he might be too good for you, or that once he gets to know you he will realise you are boring/stupid/whatever?

I think i have felt secure because if they are going through crap then it means i cant go wrong i suppose. which would make it a self esteem issue wouldnt it.

im not sure why i feel that way though as i know i have a lot to offer. i suppose it comes down to the fact that i dont want to lose someone/want the security and in these dysfunctional relationships i have found it a safer option, which of course is entirely wrong!!! and i can see that. peter is a much safer bet on paper than these others.

how can i get myself to a place where i do the right and normal thing with him and dont mess up and get scared? of course he may not be the right one, but how do i feel comfortable dating without crisis?

Therapy really is good, and an excellent investment. It does have to go on for quite a while, though. I've had a bit but still find myself reacting the same bloody way! But just being aware of what is going on is already quite helpful. I now spend a lot more time actually thinking things through; before I tried not to think too hard as I was afraid of the idea that I was a bit crap. Turns out that's not a good strategy .

So yes, I'd say look for therapy, and in the meantime just read up on relationships, think properly about why you are feeling a certain way, give yourself a bit of distance during the relationship so you don't act too fast.