Why am I fearful of the men with no problems or issues yet manage relationships full of complication? Help me do the right thing with someone new this time...

[itsnotlight]

I have a history of choosing unsuitable men. I've never really admitted that, but at 35 I have taken a look at the past relationships and they are as follows:

1. Uni relationship that ended after 3 years. It was reasonably childish - we did discuss a family etc but neither of us were focused properly on it at that age. Fizzled out.

1. Mostly happy relationship where he moved to Aus for a job and I didn't want to go as I had a very good job here/he said he would come back after 6 months. He didn't.

1. Dated a man for nearly a year where he turned out to be married. This nearly destroyed me in terms of my own confidence. Even before I knew he was married (when obviously it ended!) he couldn't have children and didn't want any. He was 15 years older and already had 3

1. Last relationship was a year long and can only be described as the most horribly abusive thing I have ever been in - everything was about him. I don't know why I stayed so long.

All I have ever wanted is a strong relationship and family. I've done the career thing, got my own home, my own life. I want a husband and children and I'm ready for the family thing. Why have I gone for men who weren't right? In between these men I have met people who were actually very decent - I was just never interested! I seem to latch on to the struggle of being with difficult men or men who can't give me what I want.

I've met someone very recently, a month ago. We speak everyday, he makes me laugh, there's no pressure from him to meet up (we've only met twice so far!) although he suggests it often. He doesn't get annoyed or offended if I am busy. He has a good job and a focus on that. I am excited to talk to him yet also crazily scared about the whole thing...like I have been with all those other men I look back on and didn't develop anything with.

I don;t fancy the pants off this man, but then I didn;t with numbers 3 and 4 above but as I got to know them it developed. Why can't I let this develop with this man who is really down to earth and funny and makes me feel happy? How come I can only develop a relationship where there is some sort of issue or problem, and more to the point, how do I combat this fear and just get on with it?!

Can you pinpoint what it is about your childhood that made you feel unloved?

i never felt unloved, just hugely insecure and i couldnt depend emotionally on my parents. i still cant.

i know they love me and my brother, i think they just didnt do the whole talking through things and letting me have a voice when i grew up.

it is far more about insecurity than lack of love. i want a partnership that is full of love, and for some reason i dont associate that with calm and peace, more with drama and crisis.

Do you mean they never talked about anything emotional with you, that your conversations were superficial? Or were they overpowering?

i just didnt feel supported emotionally. i couldnt express myself and my mum always wanted any upset to be gone rather than actually talk anything through. shed belittle my feelings i suppose - though that is a bit harsh as i dont think that was intentional. she took "getting on with it" to the absolute extreme.

OP, please do consider therapy. I notice you haven't really responded to the many suggestions of getting a therapist, and I wonder if it's because you know it'll be a longer-term investment instead of the quick-fix of 'just changing and going for it' that I think you're hoping you'll be able to achieve.

The only thing worth investing in right now is yourself. That doesn't mean the relationship is at risk, but don't make the relationship the way you try to change things.

Find a good therapist, invest in that, and take what you get from that out into the rest of your life, including your intimate relationships.

Would you consider therapy, or is there anything putting you off?

i have actually started therapy, only had 8 sessions so far. it is helping. i think therapy is one thing but it is good to talk with people about how to progress a steady relationship..

thank you for all this advice x

OP. you've answered tor own question unwittingly. You said to look at you you appear confident etc and nobody would ever know you felt insecure etc. I think your problem is you're afraid of being your authentic self with this guy in case he dislikes your vulnerabilities. BUT the while point of a healthy relationship is being your self with all you're strengths and weaknesses. This doesn't mean being a needy wreck from day one. This means expecting the best instead of (secretly) fearing the worst. It means accepting that you two have been lucky enough to stumble on each other and being excited about where it could go. Hassle does not mean love. Real love I believe is like, 90% pure peace and contentment with each other and 10% bumps in the road. That's normal. Normal is really great if you accept it into your life and let it while into something phenomenal 😊

The spelling mistakes are due to my arse of a phone but you get the drift!!!

It's often not intentional - and in any case you don't have to apportion blame, she probably has her own hang-ups from her own childhood that make her what she is. But it's useful to work out where it comes from: makes you realise it is not your fault or some kind of unchangeable flaw, and helps you reason with yourself. Can you give any examples?

I could have written this post almost word for word. Same situation, same family background, same desire. I have actually just begun a relationship with my "Peter" and I am having to try and work through feelings of doubt towards him every day (constantly hanging out on MN relationship forums looking to see if anyone else is in a similar boat!). I know he is right for me so why on earth do I feel so conflicted about this guy when I have felt so certain about the physically and emotionally abusive partners I have had in the past!? Baffling, frustrating and concerning in equal measure. Sorry, this isn't really advice, but it might be helpful to know that you are not alone! You don't have to have come from an explicitly disruptive family background (although admittedly mine wasn't perfect, either: difficulties with my mother) to have difficulty choosing the right man!