Is my marriage over

[Namechanged4567]

So my dh is a real people pleaser.
He will never say no to others requests even if it puts me and dc at a disadvantage.

He did this in a big way recently in terms of giving someone I dont like a substantial amount of money then lied about doing it which led to us having a massive row with him packing a bag and moving out. He insists that he knows he messed up but the person needed help so doesnt see a problem even though his family members have told him it was stupid and needs to fix the situation. My parents wont talk to him at all.

Hes now decided our disagreement is a sign that every part of our 10 year marriage is wrong and we would be better of apart. over the past week hes changed his mind about this repeatedly but only when we talk and I say I dont want it to end but will live with it ending if thats what he wants.

Part of me thinks hes just embarrased and grandstanding but the other part makes me think he really does want to walk away but just doesnt want to hurt me(people pleasing).

I should add our relationship isnt perfect but up untill this we were ticking along fine and he said he had been happy.

Im just so tired of it all and dont know how to handle it anymore or sleep.

Gosh, sorry, no advice, just didn't want to read and run. I like generous people though I understand that it was your money as well that he was being generous with, so I can understand your anger too.

It was more about the fact that he lied and the person he gave it to. Its someone who has created probls for us inthe past and he swore blind he didnt hav anything to do with them in years.when I found out he then swore that it was my Imagination and me dredging things up for no reason. We had planned to redecorate but he told me there was no money to do from his side. I was fine with that as it would happen eventually and I could do some of it without his contribution but then I found out why. I dont really know what Im hopping to get out of the post to be honest. I just dont want to talk to friends about it but feel I have to get it out.

You can’t trust him as he lies, and he puts other people before you? Everyone agrees he’s wrong. Would it be ok if you did this? I don’t think this is ok op

He's not a people pleaser is he? He puts everyone else before you and your wishes.

Sounds like he is embarrassed and the row may have spiralled out of control leading him to double down. He now prefers to run away from the situation especially if he feels he isn't free to be generous to whomever he chooses.

The lying is wrong. However I don't understand why he is "wrong" to be generous to whomever he chooses with his money, regardless of his past history with this person. It sounds like the two of you have separate accounts and are free to spend some of it however you choose. So I'm not sure what he is being attacked for. If it's the lying then I agree he is wrong. You need to ask him why he felt the need to lie. Why is he embarrassed about something he really shouldn't be embarrassed about.

Overall, it doesn't sound like the relationship is over. It sounds like things have snowballed with emotions running high. I suspect things will calm down.

Why not let it rest for a day and then broach the subject again on Sunday?

By the way, I have helped people financially, with my time, etc to the disadvantage of my family. However, these are temporary disadvantages to help people who are in immediate need.

Helping others can often mean disadvantaging ourselves or our family. Helping can be inconvenient, costly, risky, etc but that is the nature of genuinely helping and sacrificing for others.

If he is doing this on a regular basis then maybe he has missed his calling in life. He should find something to do that helps him fulfil that need to help/sacrifice others/please others.

Or he could be like my ex - always has time and money for other people but never for us. It's not about helping people but buying other people. Having people think he's lovely etc.

Don't get me wrong, I help my friends out a lot but not at the expense of my family. I'll sacrifice my own time and needs etc but not my kids' unless it's vital. I always remember asking my brother for £2k and he said yes, but he would check with his wife. She has never worked etc yet it's a partnership. She didn't have a problem and I've paid them back but I liked that he checked with her. My ex considered his money his and never once checked if I was happy with the way it was spent.

Who got the money? A woman?
Whoever it was, without consulting you he did something he knew you wouldn't like. Can you trust him? No.
Now, he's trying to manipulate you. He thinks it's over. No he doesn't. Yes he does. He's doing that to get you back under control.
Take it out of his hands.

Weightsandmeasures I see your point and yes we are both free to do what we want but it really is the lying. Even with it being clear that he had done it he continued to deny it. I have just stopped talking to him as the whole thing is exhausting so maybe it will die down.
MaryandMichael I guess thats my dilema is it manipulation or is it just a disagreement that got out of control.

I can tell you feel exhausted. So leave it for a day and then try to address the lying. Why did he feel the need to hide this and then lie about it. Clearly he worries he will be judged negatively for being generous to this person.

The crux of the issue lies in understanding his thought process on this. It sounds like shame, embarrassment, feeling cornered and a need to justify how he spent his money have sent him in a spin. It happens to the best of us and sometimes a day or two can bring back proper perspective.

Unless something else is going on, from your description of your overall relationship, it does not sound like your marriage is over. It sounds like a row that has left both of you bewildered and as people often do in these situations no one wants to give in and starts employing all kinds of tactics to "win".

In your shoes, I'd just speak plainly and concisely. I'd tell him the drama is bullshit although I understand why he might feel overwrought about the situation. That I'm not going to talk about it for a day as it is exhausting me and I'm about to lose my patience. That we should both let our minds take a moment to get some clarity and then talk about it Sunday to understand what's going on.

Feeling so down today.
Over a week and hes still not back home. Says that my reaction has made him question the whole marriage and he wants untill the end of the month to think and get his money back.
One minute hes saying the marriage is over, the next hes saying it isnt, then he says he needs till the end of the month to think about it and then everything will be back to normal. All of this on a repeating cycle.
Reached a point where I just cant talk to him anymore and have asked him not to contact me about anything. Unless its to say he wants to get back together or divorce.
W'eve arranged a schedule for dc to see him, but dont see each other at handover as dc is old enough to walk out the door alone. And to be honest I just end up feeling really crappy when I see him.

Found out today that dc had been crying in school and sent to see the school therapy person.
Just dont know whst the hell Im supposed to do.

Didn’t want to read and run, and others seem to have offered great advise. My only comments , you are upset that he lied to you. Have you made that clear? You reacted to him lying, the other stuff is a distraction. I would suggest relate. It’s really helpful, and definitely one of the best things we ever did. For your child, talk to them. they made a good choice to talk to school therapist and you can continue this at home. Good luck op

Sounds like my H who was so generous with friends whilst telling me we had to pull our belts in etc. Likes everyone to think he's great but all the money coming out the joint account so also coming from me. We have now separated and this was an issue from my perspective.

For me, his attitude and response to the problem would be a big issue for me. He's dealing with it really badly and not being "kind" to his family. Still putting himself first and not thinking about the consequences. That could be the deal breaker. Hope you get what you want OP but please don't accept shit. I did for years and ended up hitting the bottle- wish I'd got out years ago.

Namechanged, do you have a sense of why he has reacted so strongly about "your reaction". I'm assuming that there must be more to this. His reaction sounds a bit extreme. Does he see this as the straw that broke the camel's back? If so, why.

I think you were right to express your disapproval of his lying and his generosity. Only you and him can offer an opinion as to whether you expressed your disapproval in an extreme way.

Given his prevarication, I think you are right to cease communication for now. If after thinking about your action you think you should apologise, then apologise and leave it. Don't keep apologising. If you don't think you have anything to apologise for then be honest with yourself and don't apologise. In the end, you can only control your actions, not his.

I agree with a PP about Relate. I don't get the sense that the marriage is over. It sounds like two people who are hurting and confused, and who cannot find a way to communicate effectively about what's truly bothering them and how best to move forward.

I'm hoping for the best for you.

Why the hell is he giving other people money and then lying to you about it!!! Nope nope nope. This would be a deal breaker in my marriage and my DH feels exactly the same. We have an agreement where we never do that without discussion 1st. Ok, a £20 here and there no probs but anymore than £100 is an absolute no. I think you should push ahead the divorce ASAP before he gives all the rest of the money away! I’m sorry but his behaviour and attitude is weird, strange and a bit yukky. Get rid.

I often find that most people pleasers are like this. Generous to a fault with people they don’t feel hugely comfortable with. But with those that they feel at home with, such as wives or families, they are overly harsh with. It’s almost like that because they let people walk all over them, those that don’t get the brunt of it. It’s like someone who’s being bullied, bullying those smaller than them. I guess what I’m trying to say is that although others may think he’s kind, he’s an arsehole to you, and always will be.

Don't give up on your marriage or label your husband in any negative way. Try to make it work. If it doesn't and he chooses to leave the marriage then so he it. You tried. You will move forward, regardless.

How much did he give them, OP?

He likes to be liked, doesn't he? He just doesn't care whether his immediately family suffers for that.

Yea no bugger that...Don't let him call the shots! Don't let him decide to lend people money then lie about it and decide he needs time to decide if he wants to stay married or not, You have kids together! Make that decision for him!
LTB

The OP's husband has a weakness. We all have our failings. There are worse things he could be doing. Beating him up about his weakness and casting him as a hopeless degenerate does not help.

OP, do what your gut feeling tells you is best. Only you know about your marriage. You know you DP. Don't over extend yourself in trying to reach out to him. Do the best you can and with a clear conscience. If he does not reciprocate, then so be it. Let him go.

His weakness is putting other people before his own family, @weightsandmeasures. There's nothing worse for his family.

He isn't throwing his family under the bus. His family isn't thrown into poverty.

What does it mean "putting other people above his family"? Just because he helps someone else in need it means he has put others before his family? Is this the way the OP must judge whether her husband cares more about this person than her?

The OP should give up on her marriage because her husband helped someone in need (assuming the person is in need). The OP's husband needs kicking out because he helped someone in need?

Perhaps there is more to the story than the OP is sharing.

To answer some questions without outing myself on the off chance someone who knows me in rl reads this.

The money was several £100.
The reason Im upset is who he gave it to and the fact that he lied about giving it to them. This is a friend who caused trouble in our marriage several years ago and we agreed together we would not have any contact with them going forward.

Part of me thinks his sudden indecision and complaints about our relationship are due to this persons re-emergence.

Part of me thinks its just a way to deflect attention and assign blame onto me. I.e when I found out I lost it and told him to just get out, take dc with him as didnt want dc to see me like that and to just leave me alone. He is saying because of that I kicked him out and he cant take that kind of treatment and is bringing up things from when I had pretty bad ptsd and pnd several years ago as examples of why we shouldnt be together now. We worked through that but I wonder if this persons involvement has got him riled up about it now as they did then.

Days after that he gave me some jewlery said he loved me saying we would work on things then the next day I asked if we where going to a community event together and he said no he'd take dc but needed till the end of the month to work things out in his head.

At this point I had enough so calmy suggested no contact untill then which he quickly agreed to, but part of me suspects its so that he can say I wont speak to him and that 2/3 weeks will become forever.

I told him he is confusing me, he said its all straightforward that Im the one confusing myself- I dont know if that means its over and Im just not seeing it or what.

Ive instilled this no contact thing thinking it would help clear my head but all its doing is making me miss him.

It's no way to live. It's the absolutely opposite of a partner who has your back. You don't need to answer this here, but is there a potential relationship for him with the person he played Mr Generous with? If so, he is hedging his bets to see if it's definite enough to leave for. If not, he's hoping to swan back in saying he's got his money back and all this drama is your fault. Google the passive-aggressive husband. Ring any bells? Please take the space from him and think about what YOU want.