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Original poster

Can exes live together and raise kids?

41 replies

Sohardtochooseausername · 06/09/2018 21:53

I found out about stbxP’s infidelity in the middle of July. Since then I’ve tried to kick him out but he hasn’t left. He’s sleeping on the living room floor.

He doesn’t want to be with her and he’s been coming to see a counsellor with me. We are working through a load of issues and we are getting on really well.

I can’t imagine ever wanting to be his romantic partner ever again (he was never that romantic) but it would be convenient to live together to share the care of our DD whom we both adore and don’t want to disrupt her life any more than we have to.

My best friend says this is effed up and I should force him to move out. Is it? Should I? It’s been so bad between us for so long it’s actually a relief he was cheating on me. Is my reaction not normal? It’s like I used up all my anger and I just want to get on now.

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Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 06/09/2018 21:53

PS when I say he doesn’t want to be with her I mean the OW not the counsellor!

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PotteringAlong · 06/09/2018 21:55

I think you need to decide whether you want to be together or not and do that; not a half hearted version of both.

SD1978 · 06/09/2018 21:56

It may be working juts now, because he is nowhere else. But the relationship has changed. What happens when he or you starts dating? Where would he sleep? What boundaries would there be on your time/his time? Would you both expect the other one to provide care if you were busy? I'm sure some people do make it work- o couldn't and don't see how it can, but ultimately what works for one person may not work for another and vice versa.

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 06/09/2018 21:57

PotteringAlong, I guess so. I am so ambivalent, it’s weird. I’m normally very decisive.

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namechangefriday · 06/09/2018 21:59

It works if you’re friends but only until one of you meet someone you want to be with.

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 06/09/2018 21:59

SD1978 maybe we just need this weird time together to figure out what we are going to do next?

I thought he would just leave when I told him (a million times) that I wanted him to leave. But he hasn’t. He’s being really nice to me and I’m being really nice to him. It’s weird. Perhaps my friend is right!

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Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 06/09/2018 22:01

namechange yes. He clearly wants to be with me but shag other women. I’d rather be with no one because every man I’ve ever been with has let me down one way or another.

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dirtybadger · 06/09/2018 22:07

How old are your kids? I'm not sure that remaining living together is actually prioritising them in the way that it might seem. It's a bit of a confusing message about how adult relationships work even if you are amicable.

You might not want another relationships but he has every right to have "friends" over (in 3 months, 6 months, 2 years time) if you both own the house and haven't sorted anything out legally. Is that okay with you and how will the kids handle that?

headinhands · 06/09/2018 22:14

I'm trying to imagine how this will pan out over time. Chances are one of you will fall in love with someone again (the hard thing in life is NOT falling in love). Unless you make it clear to her you're not a couple she may think that it's normal for relationships to be cold and perfunctory.

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 06/09/2018 22:20

Dirtybadger and headinhands you’re right.

I would love her to see what a happy relationship looks like. She saw that until she was 2 and I found out about the first affair. Now she’s 6 and he’s had another affair.

I shouldn’t be so afraid of it all turning nasty. My parents had a really nasty break up when I was young. I don’t want that for her. But you’re all right we aren’t in a sustainable situation now and I don’t want to be with him anymore.

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Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 06/09/2018 22:21

I’d love to be in love again. I’m so afraid of being hurt again though, it would be hard to trust someone else.

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CecilyNeville · 06/09/2018 22:23

It's quite soon to be trying to make decisions, as you found out less than two months ago, but if you're just considering all the possibilities, then it can work, at least for a while.

H and I did it for two years, and it was okay. We are like brother and sister really - we get on well conversationally, we have similar ideas about raising DS, but there's no attraction at all, and we're not compatible as a couple. There wasn't a crisis like infidelity though; our relationship ending was more drawn out.

If we'd been in a better financial position, we wouldn't have stayed in the same house though, so it was a practically driven decision rather than an ideological one.

madcatladyforever · 06/09/2018 22:25

I can't imagine anything worse than living with an ex quite honestly. He can help you raise your child living elsewhere.

MassiveMug · 06/09/2018 22:32

Me and stbxh have been living like this for a year so far. We split exactly a year ago and both of us refused to move out of the matrimonial home. He is sleeping in the spare room though.
We have 2ds and thought we could carry on living like this until all the financial settlement and divorce was sorted because we got in great for the first 3 of 4 months. But since then it’s turned nasty as we both got new partners, arguing over who’s turn it was to go out etc.

It’s turned out to be a horror atmosphere for the boys. We are still living together now but I’m hoping to be out by Christmas.

If you can make it work then great but be prepared for the bitterness when new relationships start.

MassiveMug · 06/09/2018 22:34

horrible atmosphere that should say.

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 06/09/2018 22:37

CecilyNeville - this sounds like us. It’s been fairly ‘platonic’ for ages. Hopefully we can get on ok until we decide what to do (and get on ok after that too.)

MassiveMug - sorry it went bad for you :-( This is what I worry about.

I doubt he’d bring women back to the house with me & dd here (it’s a 2 bedroom flat!) but Yes platonic living together probably isn’t a sensible long term solution. This thread is helping me, seeing it written down.

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disconnecteddrifter · 06/09/2018 22:38

I did it for over 4 years. It was the same as when we were together - still argued etc but worked out well in the end even when we had partners. But we had separate rooms and were rarely in the house together at the same Time. It meant our children could see us both every day and they say there were pleased because they didn't feel any torn loyalty. However, we got on and had the interests of kids as that's what bound us I suppose?

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 06/09/2018 22:43

Disconnecteddrifter that’s interesting. What changed, why did you stop living in the same house?

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busybarbara · 07/09/2018 00:48

Do you think you could work as "roommates", even if it's just temporary until he gets his arse into gear? It may also help DD adjust if it's more gradual.

Family can exist independently of marriage or romance, so while the arrangement may not be common, if everyone can tolerate it for the time being, it may be the solution you're thinking it is.

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 07/09/2018 06:56

Busybarbara I hope so! We don’t want to tell DD anything till we know what’s happening, till there is a plan. We are getting to the plan very slowly in counselling. In the meantime it is all ok in the house. Very calm most of the time and getting on all right.

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TooOldForThis67 · 07/09/2018 07:56

I'm living with my ex. 18mths now. I'm also seeing someone else as is he. It can be awkward and tense at times but on the whole we get on well. However, it's getting to the stage where he needs to move out. We agreed from the start that I would stay in our home for our son's sake. Other people don't understand how we can do it and that has been the hardest thing for my STBexDH to get his head around. We've both had previous break-ups that were horrible and we just can't go thro that again.
My advice would be, ignore other people, if it works for you, fine.

lifebegins50 · 07/09/2018 08:22

I wonder if it's calm because he mostly has what he wants..wife & child but believes he has the opportunity to sleep around when he wants..when reality kicks in such as finances split it maybe different.

Do you have an idea how it would work if you separate? I don't think there is an immediate rush but I would start to plan a separation as ime generally its tougher on the children the older they get.

Original poster
Sohardtochooseausername · 08/09/2018 08:33

We had a long conversation last night about our situation.

He wants to ‘draw a line’ and ‘forget about the past’. I said how would you feel if you were me hearing that, knowing that he cheated on me. He said he would want to understand why his partner felt they had to go elsewhere for intimacy.

I’m done. I want to break up. He’s sucking all my energy out of me. He’s incapable of empathy. He doesn’t really retake any responsibility for what has happened. He doesn’t want me, he wants to live in our nice flat and see our DD every day and for me to shut up and put up. How was I so stupid to ever think he would love me?

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disconnecteddrifter · 08/09/2018 08:56

I'm sorry. As I said it worked for us living together but neither of us had feelings for each other other than platonic. I didn't care if he loved me or saw someone else. It doesn't sound like living together would be right for you, just a head fuck. I'd make plans to be separate so you can give yourself a chance to heal from his betrayal.

JK1773 · 08/09/2018 09:02

He just doesn’t want his life to change and expects you to fall into line. I can’t see this working as you’re not on the same page as each other. I’d be asking him to make plans to move out