Can exes live together and raise kids?

[Sohardtochooseausername]

I found out about stbxP’s infidelity in the middle of July. Since then I’ve tried to kick him out but he hasn’t left. He’s sleeping on the living room floor.

He doesn’t want to be with her and he’s been coming to see a counsellor with me. We are working through a load of issues and we are getting on really well.

I can’t imagine ever wanting to be his romantic partner ever again (he was never that romantic) but it would be convenient to live together to share the care of our DD whom we both adore and don’t want to disrupt her life any more than we have to.

My best friend says this is effed up and I should force him to move out. Is it? Should I? It’s been so bad between us for so long it’s actually a relief he was cheating on me. Is my reaction not normal? It’s like I used up all my anger and I just want to get on now.

Get him out before he worms his way back in and in a years time you look back to this moment wishing you'd kicked him out!

Ugh, so he just wants you to suck it up and pretend everything is OK.

Living together but separate lives would just mean you would never be able to move on with your life properly. And he doesn't sound like he's good for you, it'd be bad for your MH/self esteem.

If you own together or are joint tenants, then I'd look into how you end that side of things. And get out.

In your situation and with your last post living together is never going to work.

I only know of one couple where this has worked but the exP actually moved back in after the wife had married her new partner so they have a slightly bizarre family set up but it works for them because it’s the kind of people that they are AND the house is pretty big.

For most people I think it just blurs the lines too much and can be open to ‘but we’re not together, you can’t expect that of me’ an awful lot whilst they still expect all the benefits of cohabitation.

You say you're getting on really well, and that he's being super nice to you. But can't you see that he isn't respecting you - or your boundaries - at all? He isn't giving you the space that you need at this time. He is being nice because he wants to have his cake and eat it ... not to mention a roof over his head.
This is the CLASSIC behaviour of an adulterer. Nice as pie in the aftermath of being found out. When the panic and guilt have subsided, you will see him again for who he really is.
I'm sorry.

Yeah. Everything is ok unless I talk about his cheating and how I need to be sure I can trust him and he turns into an ogre.

I’m about to go away on business for a week but when I get back I’m going to try and get him to move out.

It hurts so much he’s so narcissistic.

I’m confused because what you were suggesting and what you wanted were two very different things. You wanted a relationship and he wanted the convenience of a relationship but not the responsibility.

What’s screaming out from your posts is that you’ve always been content with very little from him and that’s exactly what you got. Thank fuck the charade is over and your DD isn’t going to be subjected to more of the pretence because it was very unlikely that you would have gotten away with the pretence much longer.

I had a friend who broke up with her hubby...they had a 3 storey terrace house and she lived on the top floor, her children on the middle level and her ex in the basement. It worked for them to the point she had a boyfriend move in for years and everyone stayed happy. Do what works for you and don't worry what others think.

AgentJohnston yes you’re right. It is confusing. I’m so angry with him and with myself for letting him treat me so badly. I’m scared of him being horrible to me if/when I force him out.

I’ve been kidding myself we can live together as coparents. I want to be free of him. I want to be happy. I know I’ll never be truly free of him because of DD but at least he’ll be around to remind me never to go near someone like that again.

My stbxh wanted to live in the spare room and date other people, he said it would be convenient! 2 years on im so so so glad that i kicked him out. I think you have to think long and hard about the relationship you have and what you are trying to achieve. My ex is an abusive unbalanced ass hole, this was just convenient for him as he had his cake and ate it.
I think it could work if you both still have a lot of respect for each other and a friendship, but i dont think its a long term thing.

Allalittlebitshit sounds like my stbx too. I’m glad you felt you made the right decision getting rid of him!

Sohard his behaviour since moving out has 100% confirmed it would have been a terrible disision. His behaviour has been so narcissistic, aggressive and unpredictable! He is probably the most self serving, high and mighty looser I have ever met! If i never saw him again that would be just great. I now know he would have manipulated me into sorts given the chance.

He is probably the most self serving, high and mighty looser I have ever met! If i never saw him again that would be just great.

Yes, that sounds familiar. Plus the gaslighting. The LIES.

I’ve held it together for the sake of DD - she is his daughter and they get on so well. But also I hate the fact he cheated on this family as well as cheating on me. He couldn’t try and fix what was wrong with our relationship before shagging someone else. That’s what angers me. Not to mention the fact he was dying from his undiagnosed endocrine disorder and telling me he was tired all the time (very unsexy) whilst also shagging someone else.

(I am quite angry. Must turn this anger into action.)

It's working for me, but we loved apart for 5 years and there was no infidelity. We grew apart, split, stayed friends, and he moved back in a few months ago. There's no feelings there and it's making parenting so much easier. Oh and I have a boyfriend. People that say it's f*ed up need to get a grip. There's no rule book for life.

Merrykate you lived apart first? That might be key to successful coparenting. Either that or just not speaking to each other about anything apart from what to have for dinner. Which is what we did tonight. Sum total of conversation about 26 words.