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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

feel so guilty - should I tell?

28 replies

imsomean · 07/06/2007 15:48

Have changed my name I feel so bad about this..
Been with dp 4 years, one dd and one on the way.. over the last few months have found myself more and more strongly attracted to someone at work. Nothing has happened and nothing will but I find myself thinking about him constantly, hoping I'll bump into him, imagining ridiculous scenarios where it would be 'OK' for me to kiss him (e.g. swingers party !!! ) and just cannot get him out of my mind. I have no idea if he feels the same, we get on well but he knows about my family.

My question is should I tell dp? I am feeling so bad about it, feel like I'm lying to him, and constantly censoring what I say or else I would be talking about this guy all the time. Part of me thinks it would be ridiculous to tell him as it would only hurt him and achieve nothing. But then part of me thinks it might make it seem more like what it is - a ridiculous crush that has got out of hand. Please help

OP posts:

malmaman · 07/06/2007 15:49

Dont tell. It's probably pregnancy hormones making you horny, plus it's spring/early summer so only natural to perk up and notice..

electra · 07/06/2007 15:52

No don't tell him. There is no point and you are only human. Would you want to know if he had a crush?

Original poster

imsomean · 07/06/2007 15:54

electra - I think I would want to know, at least in principle. In fact we agreed early on to confess to this type of thing. But it is one thing saying it in the abstract and another actually doing it. Plus I don't think he would tell, wouldn't dare!

OP posts:

Bananaknickers · 07/06/2007 15:56

is it not just a naughty fantasy?

wheniamqueen · 07/06/2007 16:08

As long as you dont do anything theres nothing to tell, I'm also pregnant and for a while the same thing happened to me, but then i just stopped thinking about the om. I think the pregnancy hormones do have something to do with it!

Original poster

imsomean · 07/06/2007 16:08

well yes I suppose it is bananaknickers but it is taking over my thoughts and making me feel terrible. Whenever I'm with him I just want to blurt it out and am constantly thinking about him when at home with dp - surely this is not just an innocent little crush? It's one thing to get a bit of a kick talking to someone you find attractive, and another to spend literally most of your time thinking about them

OP posts:

malmaman · 07/06/2007 16:09

Its called a crush

Original poster

imsomean · 07/06/2007 16:09

wheniamaqueen - thank you - I had suspected it might be pregnancy-related. Did you do anything to stop yourself thinking about the om or did it just fade away by itself?

OP posts:

malmaman · 07/06/2007 16:11

Erm, not being pedanitc or anything but I mentioned pregnancy hormones in the first reply!! sulk!

Original poster

imsomean · 07/06/2007 16:11

sorry malmaman first mention of pg hormones duly noted

OP posts:

malmaman · 07/06/2007 16:12

Thanks!!

electra · 07/06/2007 16:17

What if this person came on to you? Would you resist? If you would I would think no more about it

Original poster

imsomean · 07/06/2007 16:22

I would resist electra, absolutely, but would also love to have the go ahead to not resist IYKWIM (no such go ahead exists I know)

so it seems this is just a normal run of the mill crush that I shouldn't feel too bad about then? Will try to think of it in those terms then rather than feeling tortured and guilty (as I am inclined to do generally)

OP posts:

CountessDracula · 07/06/2007 16:29

I wouldn't worry about it but I would actively NOT engineer meetings etc, just try and avoid him and it will go.

It's healthy to have these feelings but as soon as you cross the line and do/say anything inappropriate then you are on very dangerous ground.

CountessDracula · 07/06/2007 16:30

Also you could just say something to dh like
"ooh brian in accounts is rather gorgeous" in a sort of silly way so that he knows. But without making a big deal out of it.

Original poster

imsomean · 07/06/2007 16:44

very good idea countess, thank you. Might try something like 'think I've got a bit of a soft spot for X' as he isn't gorgeous by any stretch of the imagination (except in my pregnant lustful mind )

OP posts:

NKF · 07/06/2007 16:49

It's just a fantasy isn't it? Why does he have to know?

CountessDracula · 07/06/2007 16:50

I think if you say something then it becomes more real iykwim and you can think about the reality of the situation and not the fantasy.

does that make sense?

macdoodle · 07/06/2007 19:47

I am horny when PG def hormones chill hon you aint done anything wrong !

malmaman · 07/06/2007 20:57

Would you feel comfortable if your dh told you about a girl at work he had a soft spot for tho? I think I'm in the 'let sleeping dogs lie' camp on this one...

krib · 07/06/2007 21:28

Dont' tell him - I fantasise about other men all the time!! Just make sure it stays firmly in your MIND!!!

Original poster

imsomean · 08/06/2007 17:43

But isn't it one thing to fantasise about other men generally and have a borderline obsessional desire for one single person which takes over your every thought?

Nearly used the softspot line on dp past night but couldn't quite spit it out.

Malmaman - no I don't think I would mind if he had a soft spot for someone at work, in fact I think he does and I don't mind, but I think the only reason i don't mind is that it eases my guilt plus she is really nice and non-threatening

OP posts:

electra · 08/06/2007 17:55

I don't think you should worry. It's probably just a crush which will go as quickly as it came.

policywonk · 08/06/2007 17:58

Could it be that you want it to be more than a crush, because it makes it seem a bit more dignified, if that makes any sense? I mean, we all have crushes, so if you think that what you feel is more than a crush, it makes it seem more significant and less schoolgirlish. (Hope this doesn't sound harsh - just trying to talk some sense into your pregnancy-addled brain!)

earthy · 08/06/2007 18:07

Hi! I'm new here, usually lurking but I saw this thread and had to confess...

First, I am married with one child and not pregnant.

Well, I have had an obsessive crush on someone same as you, I'msomean, but this crush has been going on for years. I don't think my crush knows, and my husband definately doesn't know. Consumes all of my thoughts this crush. At times, I think I am madly in love but have tried to ignore my feelings. I can't say what I would do if my crush made a move on me. I get butterflies in my stomach just at the thought of seeing him... I feel like a teenager and I'm 45!

Sometimes, i feel guilty as I spend a lot of time fantasizing about my crush but my marriage has not been great for years... oh what to do!

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