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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

She must be cheating

34 replies

HIGH5TWEEKS · 05/09/2018 05:34

Hoping for some advice and perspective. Bit of a long story but i don't want to drip feed.

To avoid confusion, I’m a male and DP is female

DP and I have been together for 13 years and have two DC. We separated at the beginning of the year but decided to give things a second chance and everything has been fine since, or so I thought. I moved out of the family abode but spend most of my time there, mornings before school, evenings before bed and sleep there most weekends.

Recently I became suspicious of her and started snooping (WRONG OF ME I know but I had good reason- finding pregnancy tests was the alarm bell since I had a vasectomy years ago)

This past Saturday something she did made me more suspicious, so I did some more snooping- 3 condoms she had next to her bed turned into 2 over night. Her phone is connected to a tablet in the house, so I was able to look at her google maps timeline. This confirmed that she was not where she said she was on Saturday and turn out she was at an address I have no idea about, but she has been there over 25 times. It gets even better as a lot of the time she has been there is early hours if the morning when the kids and I where away- Talking between 23:00 and 03:00 usually for at least 2 hours a time. Even a day where she dropped the kids at school and went there for the whole day instead of work. This has been going on for at least 18 months as far as I can tell.

Then looked at the photos on the tablet (google connects the two), nothing untoward in the actual photos but then I looked in the bin. Nude selfies of her and of some guy I don’t know , but after more snooping turn out they are friends on Facebook and used to work together. I took Screen shots of all this thinking surely this is enough proof.

Last night after the kids went to sleep I confronted her.

Told her I know she has been going to this address a lot. She straight away said it was her female friend. I pressed saying she goes there late at night and never told me about the visits. Still she pleaded ignorance. Finally had to show her the pictures I found. She still denies anything happened between her and this guy, who now finally does live at this address.

Missing condom? She took it with her but decided not to have sex and left it there? She had decided after Saturday that she was not going to be involved with this person anymore and that she loves me and only wants to be with me. Fair enough I say and ask to see any form of messages she has sent him confirming this. Won’t let me near her phone, not even to see when last she messaged him!

So after all that I am to believe that she has been visiting a guy in the dead of the night for hours at a time taking condoms with her, sending him nude pictures but not having sex with him!

And actually I want to believe her, I still love her. But can we ever move forward? How can we ever trust each there again?

On a side note she thinks I was completely unreasonable for snooping and invading her privacy, surely it was justifiable?

OP posts:
heiheithechicken · 05/09/2018 05:40

Sorry but I'd say I was 99.9% sure she's lying to you.

memyselfandi1 · 05/09/2018 05:46

She’s lying I’m afraid I’m so sorry to say that

She has contradicted herself too said she wasn’t there then said she took the condom and decided she wasn’t going to have sex that in itself would do it for me do you really want to be treated this way? I’m sure you deserve more x

memyselfandi1 · 05/09/2018 05:47

I would be looking too if I found that evidence so no not unreasonable totally justified x

Cawfee · 05/09/2018 05:51

Wow. She’s lying!

Original poster
HIGH5TWEEKS · 05/09/2018 06:13

Thanks, this is exactly what I have been thinking. Only a mug would believe her story.

She is still in a massive strop about me invading her privacy, even threatened to call the police. But she still loves me and wants to be with me.

All I want is the truth so we can either move forward or call it a day. But I am still not getting it. Wont let me see her phone. I don't want to read her messages just look at who she is messaging.

OP posts:
picklepost · 05/09/2018 06:18

I know it's not what you want to hear but you are wasting your energy prodding for "the truth" and believing she is anywhere near wanting to work things out.

She's in a relationship with someone else.

whynot93 · 05/09/2018 06:25

Having first hand experience of this I can sadly say the lies will just continue, even faced with the truth she will most probably lie to get out of it.

Unless she cuts all contact and moves forward with you I see no point carrying on. I'm sorry, it hurts and I can assure you that hurt doesn't go away.

RainySeptember · 05/09/2018 06:25

Why are you still trying to gain access to her phone? You have seen irrefutable proof and her protests to the contrary are laughable.

Her getting angry that you have invaded her privacy is all part of the script in these situations, ignore it, treat it with the contempt it deserves.

I think it's possible to overcome infidelity in certain situations, where the cheating partner is prepared to be completely open and honest, and shows absolute regret and remorse. This is not one of those situations at all.

By staying, by continuing the dialogue, by doubting yourself, you are being an absolute mug.

You're not married, and live separately, so it should be relatively easy to make the separation formal and permanent. Make proper arrangements to see the dc at your home and transfer the appropriate amount of child maintenance weekly/monthly and cut contact with her to an absolute necessary minimum.

The alternative is checking her phone every day for the rest of your life, wondering where she is at 2am, and probably getting dumped anyway once her affair partner (or another affair partner) is willing to progress their relationship.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2018 06:36

You already know the truth

Prestonsflowers · 05/09/2018 06:40

Anyfucker is right.
You do know the truth

HereIgoagainxx · 05/09/2018 06:59

She's lying, you know she is. She isn't falling over herself to take you there and clear this right up.

She's some piece of work.

hilzilla · 05/09/2018 07:08

I don't believe any of this badly written story

Brahms3rdracket · 05/09/2018 10:31

@hilzilla then report the thread and stop troll hunting. Not sure why you find the story so hard to believe really Hmm

Freshstart19 · 05/09/2018 10:35

You absolutely do know the truth.

You deserve better!

RatRolyPoly · 05/09/2018 10:36

Oh yeah, definitely cheating. Easy way to spot a lie, if it's improbable and convenient... it's a lie. Every time. So going to his house with a condom, leaving it there but not having sex? Well that's pretty improbable. Also really convenient for her. So.... lie.

Look, you clearly want to get past this, but that isn't going to come from you believing her. If that's going to happen it needs to come because you can find a way to accept what she's done - and she needs to do that to - and you move forward together. Now I'm not saying that's what you should do, but it's clearly what you want, so I think you should give it a shot.

So where do you start? If you've got any hope in hell she needs to own this. I would sit her down for a make or break talk. Tell her you're not a mug, you know she's been cheating, and your one chance at getting through this is exactly what I've said; she admits it, she tells you everything you need to know and shows you the evidence - even if it's going to really really hurt you, and she shows you that she respects you enough to allow you to make your own decisions about how you move on from there. That is her only hope. Either she takes it or she doesn't.

And if anything she says from there is both improbable and strangely convenient.... well, you have to accept that she had the chance and she didn't want to take it. Flowers

Mumofwyatt14 · 05/09/2018 11:04

I keep say this but it's true "lifes too short " you'll find someone's else who can make you happy again look after your kids , let her do what she pleases but put your energy into something you enjoy life's too short to stay in an unhappy relationship Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 05/09/2018 11:12

And actually I want to believe her, I still love her. But can we ever move forward?
No, you can't move forward until she takes responsibility and admits what she has done.
She lying. She's cheating. She is putting your sexual health at risk.
For the love of god - wake up and smell the coffee and get gone.
Leave her to it.
Set up reasonable access to the DC and get her out of your life.
She's an asshole.
Plain and simple.
She doesn't love you. You just wants the stability to bring.
The money. The cover for the kids while she shags around.
Honestly. Do yourself a massive favour and end this.
You will NEVER just 'get over it'
She's broken your trust and won't even admit what she's done which makes her a massive coward as well.

Emmageddon · 05/09/2018 11:31

She's playing you for a fool. Don't let her. Take back control and end the relationship.

dirtybadger · 05/09/2018 11:44

If she took a condom there and didn't have sex, why would she take it out of her bag? To show him? And the pregnancy test!?

She's been cheating and she's lying, and her awful lie is an insult to your intelligence.

IVFaugust2018 · 05/09/2018 11:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SneakyGremlins · 05/09/2018 11:47

Come on mate,don't kid yourself. You know deep down she's cheated. And she's likely to do it again.

You need to end this Flowers

SneakyGremlins · 05/09/2018 11:48

IVF Erm, wrong thread? Congratulations though I think?

Loyaultemelie · 05/09/2018 12:51

Op sorry but it sounds like lies, if she hadn't slept with him she wouldn't need pregnancy test. If she can't be honest with you I don't see how it can work Thanks

LJFM2B · 05/09/2018 13:07

I feel awful for you as you obviously dont want to let go of what was there for you both BUT she is with out a shadow of a doubt cheating on you and treating you as a fool with her pathetic attempt at covering up her lies.

You have the proof and your not in the wrong for snooping.

Each couple have there own rules on phones and privacy etcand thats fine but the only time i get twitchy when DH looks at my phone is if iv booked something for a birthday etc as surprise and dont want him to see confirmations. i would think it was weird if he sat reading threads of messages from friends but generally i have nothing to hide and he can do what he wants.... and visa versa, and because of this we never snoop but use each others phone if need be (ie low battery on our own or not having phone to hand etc)

You deserve so much better im really sorry xxx

subspace · 05/09/2018 13:16

I'm so sorry to hear this OP. I can't imagine what you must be going through.

You still love her. I hear that. Of course you do. But she has behaved and is continuing to behave so very badly. You deserve a partner who will tell you the truth and be faithful to you. She isn't that person. X