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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ghosting! Why?

50 replies

GhostsAndGhouls · 04/09/2018 22:47

Hi there,

NC for this, hopefully!

I have been dating a guy for a couple of months, things were going well but I decided to take things slowly. We met regularly and seemed to get on well and enjoy each other's company.

About a month in he didn't reply to my text message for a day or so, he eventually replied and said he had issues with his phone (I believed this, I saw him that day and his phone was switching off when fully charged) He said he almost came to mine to explain he wasn't ignoring me but didn't want to be full on. Absolutely fine. I did make a joke that I'd deleted him as I thought he was ghosting me (a few months ago I got out of a relationship where my ex would regularly ignore me for days, despite living together, so i automatically thought the worst) and he said how can I think so little of him, he would never do that etc. I said I appreciated honesty, as ghosting always makes the ghostee internalise everything.

We continued seeing each other and were quite comfortable with one another, I made myself drinks in his home, dropped him off at work, he cooked for me etc. I saw him the morning before I went away with my friend and when I came home I suggested meeting up, he assured me he would have asked me to meet hours ago if he was free but he had plans. All fine, we chatted and a few days later he asked me if I was free. I was working and told him I'd plan something later in the week.

Since then, I haven't heard from him. It must have been a week or so now. I haven't contacted him again and I won't, I'm not fussed about him.

I just wonder why people think this is appropriate when there are no bad feelings on either side? He had no reason to think I would say anything other than, "No problem! Thanks for letting me know." If he had sent a simple text. I know it's a reflection of him and not me, I just find it rude and it could lead to me questioning if I did or said something wrong, which I know I didn't.

Does anyone have any answers?! For curiosity sake.

OP posts:

Original poster

GhostsAndGhouls · 04/09/2018 22:52

I just realised that I made it sound as though he's waiting for me to plan something. We talked a lot between meetings and when he stopped replying we were talking about something different, not about meeting up.

OP posts:

Original poster

GhostsAndGhouls · 05/09/2018 16:14

Any suggestions?!

OP posts:

fuddle · 05/09/2018 16:25

Did you talk text with him whilst you were away. I don't know but perhaps he was miffed that you didn't arrange anything until you got home. He then said he'd made plans. He asked again and you were busy. I maybe wrong but is it possible he was playing a game. I would have text him or phoned him to ask and then move on!!

rememberatime · 05/09/2018 16:49

just ask what's going on. If no reply, you have your answer.

crappyday2018 · 05/09/2018 16:57

I was working and told him I'd plan something later in the week
Isn't he waiting on you then?

Lifeisabeach09 · 05/09/2018 17:00

It does sound like he is waiting for you to contact him to make plans.

Have you sent him many messages he hasn't replied to? It's possible something may have happened to him...

Itsjustmarley · 05/09/2018 17:36

So the last thing said wasn't you stating that you'll be in touch to make plans then, so what was the last thing said then?

I would just text if he wanted to meet time/place, if you get no answer then just leave it, far too much game playing in today's dating world.

Original poster

GhostsAndGhouls · 05/09/2018 18:54

I texted him while I was away, the morning he asked to do something I was at work, so definitely not an excuse and no reason for him to be miffed. Could be game playing I suppose!

I don't think he was waiting on me to make plans, we had a brief conversation about meeting up and I said we will have to plan something later on in the week and then we continued our general chat, I can't remember what it was about. We were still in the getting to know each other stage so talked a lot when we weren't busy.

I haven't sent him any messages he hasn't replied to before this, he always appeared to be the more keen one. I haven't sent him another message.

I don't think I will contact him again, it's not worth it. Just surprised from him, he seemed genuinely lovely. Ah well!

OP posts:

NatVoll · 05/09/2018 21:16

Hi OP, exactly the same thing is happening to me as we speak. Three months of dating, lovely date a week ago, and then crickets chirp. Nada, nisba.

It is awful and it really makes me feel rejected. I wonder how this practice has somewhat become socially acceptable in the last decade.

Djnoun · 05/09/2018 21:19

I think you need to send another message to be sure. He might be under the impression you've gone off him from the sounds of it.

DC06 · 05/09/2018 21:21

I would text him again then give up if he doesn't get back to you. My limit is generally 3 ignored texts then I take the hint and cut my losses. He sounds like a too much hassle since you have only been together a short while and he is being weird already.

Original poster

GhostsAndGhouls · 05/09/2018 21:22

Sorry you're going through this.

I agree, what happened to a simple text? That's all it would take, they could text and then block straight afterwards if they're such a coward. I just hate the uncertainty and the wondering.

Especially when we live less than a mile apart on the same road, both walk our dogs etc. It's not under the realms of possibility that we will bump into each other, why not just end it on good terms?!

Have you contacted yours again?

OP posts:

Original poster

GhostsAndGhouls · 05/09/2018 21:28

I gave him no impression I had gone off him, we just never spoke about our feelings much, but he knew I was interested to see where it went. If he thought that he could have said something, instead he just didn't reply mid way through a conversation!

Exactly, definitely too much hard work when it is such early days. We weren't together or anything, only dating. Think i will leave it, he would have messaged if he was still interested. Plus after this I have no real interest in meeting him again now!

OP posts:

Djnoun · 05/09/2018 21:31

Maybe he's thinking you would have messaged if you were interested!

You don't sound like you were really into him anyway.

Original poster

GhostsAndGhouls · 05/09/2018 21:35

I sent him the last message, don't wish to sound petty, but we had a general chat going on and he just didn't reply to my message mid conversation. I didn't want to text again to appear clingy etc, just assumed he'd get in touch but then more days went by!

Yeah, I held a lot back as I wanted to take things as slowly as possible. I did start to like him though as we did see each other a lot, but I'm glad now that I held back.

OP posts:

NatVoll · 05/09/2018 21:38

OP I haven't, because two weeks ago we had a conversation where I said that his flaky contact style was confusing and annoying me, and that I needed to see some consistency in terms of contact from him. He agreed with me, said he is a lousy texter yada yada, and that he was going to put more effort. He did for a week. Then disappeared.

At this stage, even if he reappeared I would end it myself, as I can't waste my time with a man who treats me this way.

saltedcaramelmuffin · 05/09/2018 21:41

How long were you away for? Did you meet online? Could it be that he was continuing to chat to/meet other women, and he met someone else whilst you were away?

I’m not entirely sure that he isn’t waiting on you to contact him though?

Original poster

GhostsAndGhouls · 05/09/2018 21:57

Exactly, if he treats you like this at such early days it only spells disaster for the future!
I think they perhaps end it this way so they can come crawling back if their other option doesn't work out.

I was only away for 2 nights! Yes, we met online and that is entirely possible, I am fine with that, I would have just preferred to have been told.
I'm not explaining myself very well, I made a comment earlier that day that we would plan something later in the week and they we continued our chat. We were talking about something irrelevant, we had a conversation going most of the day. Obviously there were hours between replies with work and other plans we both had, but we did have a constant communication going. He just then didn't reply, I didn't message again.

I'm more wondering how you can look out for this in the future. He seemed genuinely lovely and so far I couldn't fault him, I thought he would have been respectful enough for a simple text.

OP posts:

WhatsGoingOnEh · 05/09/2018 22:11

Maybe he died? I always used to tell myself they'd died.

Original poster

GhostsAndGhouls · 05/09/2018 22:12

Oh dear! Possible I guess... Although unlikely....!

OP posts:

Horseradishwrap · 05/09/2018 22:13

I think I would have to ask him if I were you OP. Make it friendly and happy, not pressuring. It seems really odd that you were so couply and familiar with each other then he disappeared.

Craker20 · 05/09/2018 22:14

It is frustrating when people won't fire off a text just to let you know. Maybe like others have said, send one last one, if no reply just leave it.

Original poster

GhostsAndGhouls · 05/09/2018 22:28

Thanks. I don't think I can face sending another text, I feel it would be too awkward now. I did think of something jokey like, "You doing a sponsored silence?!" But it's not worth it. He hasn't blocked me. I guess I will just chalk it up to experience!

Yeah, we were quite comfortable. I let myself into his house and stayed over etc, although we didn't have sex. (Maybe that's my problem?!)

OP posts:

saltedcaramelmuffin · 05/09/2018 22:32

I would send another text too, just incase he thinks it’s you who has ghosted him!

keepingbees · 05/09/2018 22:44

Sounds like it just kind of fizzled out on both sides to be honest rather than ghosting. Although odd it's just gone to zero contact but maybe he isn't bothered either and feels it would be awkward to text now too.

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