When almost everything is perfect but...

[futureunsure]

I need to write this down to try and make sense of how I'm feeling and to ask advice.

I've been with my partner for over 2 years and on the whole I am very happy. I was in a series of awful relationships beforehand, one lasting 15 years (with father of my children) and a few short term disappointing relationships that led me to do the freedom program.

When I met my current partner, it was so refreshing to be myself and be accepted for me. We have fun, he is kind and respectful and I do love him.

However, he has never been an overly romantic partner and there is no passion. He always tells me he loves me, his actions reflect his words and I do feel loved by him, but the lack of passion leaves me feeling somewhat like an extremely close flatmate!

The first few months of dating, I guess there was more passion, but we were still getting to know each other and making more of an effort. But still- it was far different to what I'd experienced before. I put it down to shyness.

We don't live together yet, we both have full custody of our own children, so for practical reasons we are waiting until they are a little older. We see each other every weekend alternating houses, go on family holidays and mini breaks and are in contact daily. But the fact we do not live together means I'd expect a lot more desire when we see each other from his point of view. Not necessarily tearing each other's clothes off (no chance of that with kids around!) but more than a hug and peck on lips! Even when we watch tv, we are at opposite end of the sofa!!

He's never been a kisser. A short lip kiss but not much more. I found it strange at first but sort of accepted it. But now it's bothering me. Sex is sex- not intimate. No kissing, no foreplay - just get into bed and know what's going to happen.

Yet he always cuddles me after, tells me he loves me and that I am the most amazing partner ever.

He talks about our future, does what he says he will do, is always an amazing support in every situation, is a fantastic role model for my children and puts them first (he has encouraged and paid for certain hobbies to enhance their lives which has had a positive influence on them), my family adore him etc.

My point I guess is that in every other way he is perfect. I would be mad to end it over lack of intimacy. But I'm scared in a few years time I will resent it more.

I've brought this up with him and he was shocked and looked a little hurt. He said he didn't realise and has taken it on board, but things only change for a bit and not by a great deal tbh before old habits form again.

He is younger than me, a little shy in comparison to me and not had many girlfriends before me (although two have been long term) I don't know if this is part of it?

My previous relationships were passionate but I was treated appallingly. My current partner and I have never argue and it is so refreshing but I'm starting to feel a little alone in my relationship and it's making me feel insecure.

Anyone been in my situation. Am I being unreasonable or should I just suck it up.

I wouldn't be able to stay with a man like this. It would completely erode my self esteem.

I had a relationship like this years ago, he only went down on me once. He's openly gay now.

Honestly it sounds like he's asexual or gay.

I think you're in a very difficult situation because he sounds so lovely.

Fierce- it is doing just that. My self esteem eroding. And it's crazy, as my exes eroded my self esteem in a totally different way. My partner really is so lovely. And when I weigh up the pros and cons it is only the intimacy side that is negative.

Thank you to everyone else's input. I'm taking everything on board.

This is a very sad tale to read, as it is clear the relationship means a lot to you, and you deserve to be happy. It sounds like it would cause you tremendous sadness to end things, but he really doesn’t appear willing or able to deeply connect with you. Before you got together, did he come across as attractive to you, like was there a sexy spark, or was it more a safe haven?

I really feel for you, and I would urge you not to set the bar low for yourself by comparing it against your old relationships. You sound very self-aware, which is good: it is good to examine how you feel and talk it out here

That's a really kind post Twenty- thank you

I wouldn't say there was immediate sexual chemistry. He is good looking man and I was and am attracted to him. But I felt more of a mental connection at first. He was so easy to talk to, we had lots in common and the same outlook. We got to know each other slowly and I felt he was what I'd been looking for. I became more physically attracted to him as I got to know him.

What I loved about him most was that he was a true gentleman and showed me respect. I finally realised how it felt to be treated the same way I treated others in a relationship.

We were definitely more flirty in the beginning but never outrageously so. I definitely took the lead sexually from the start. It's never been passionate though.

One thing he does still do that I like, is hold my hand when we are out. But that's as far as it goes with the unprompted intimacy.

I'm very tired writing this so I may not be making sense!

Hand on my heart, I don't want this relationship to end. But I worry that it will breed more resentment down the line.

I need to find a way to make him understand. But I'm stuck! And let's face it, the changes probably won't last if there is an underlying problem

It’s quite possible that the kindest thing you can do for both of you is gently part.

It did strike me when you first posted that as you both have children, maybe there was the awkwardness factor of sex with children in the house. That can dampen the ardour, if it is new for both of you. But as I read on ..

Sounds to me that he either:

1. has a low sex drive (might be helped by investigating testosterone levels and taking supplements);
2. is sexually repressed, likely due to a strict/unaffectionate upbringing, or because of a religious background where sex was taught to be embarassing and an awkward necessity, just for procreation. Can be dealt with by going for psycho-sexual counselling - it CAN be very effective but you'd need patience with that, and he needs to want to change. Gay? a long shot, but not impossible if again got brainwashed how sinful that was. It's possible that if his ex had certain types mental problems, she may have had issues with sex and never wanted intimacy, so he's so surprised about you wanting that...but two exes of the same type?

I hope that you can go forth OP, with sorting out your mind,regarding your relationship problem. Only you can decide what you wan't to do.
But I do find, that telling the whole world kind of, about your partners issues, is not the done thing at all.

Do you mean on MN, 1forAll?

That’s kind of the point of the forum 😀

Hello good morning.

I think he above ladies have hit it on the head. You say you want to make it work, but also that you know what you face.

It's so sad isn't it, so hard to do the right thing. I stayed with a man five years for this reason. Everything good, well not that good actually, but I was happy enough, but the issues continued.....we barely had sex and it wasn't good sex. I didn't know why then and I don't know why now, and I agonised over where his head lay. I think asexual and too tight. The emotional intimacy wasn't there really.

I knew a year in. I went to pick up condoms so we could have safe sex when I was fertile and he said, why are you getting them? He thought that rampant sex was only in the beginning and we were past that by then. I cried in the car and said he ought to be honest with me and tell me if there would be no sex so I didn't build my hopes up. It didn't end, but I remember that moment. The years passed and we were happy. I could see us joining up and buying in the country, all our friends etc, but the cloud of no sex continued to loom. It made me sad as everything else was in place. Id be happily day dreaming about the continued future, and then a voice would ask, but what are you going to do about the lack of sex? Is this it, forever.???

A strange thing occurred. My sex drive dwindled. I stopped wanting him to see me naked. I started looking at other men, and I started thinking about them. I then changed career to a male dominated workplace and boom, I left him six weeks later.

I'm now seeing an amazing man who is just becoming better and better. Very early days! But the sex is unbelievable. Daily. And he is so slow and patient and insists on getting me off every time, and he's so hot it's unbelievable. He is committed, gentle, easy going, funny etc.

I look back and don't regret the time with the other guy because it was a long time and a good time. But he wasn't the end man for me. He hasn't changed. We are still friends. I should have had the courage to face up to it in the beginning, but then who knows? I'd have missed out on the good times. It's just that, as I aged, I began to feel that I ought not to waste either my time or someone else's, if I were not completely sure.

I did think, reading your posts, that although this man is a step up for you compared to your other exes, he may not yet be right a hundred percent. There is still something missing, but he has brought you a step up the ladder from which you will never go back. But there IS something missing and no matter what we say here, the fact I see it may keep coming up in your head spoiling your peace of mind and trust in the relationship.

I am sure it must feel horrendous to face this, and I didn't go through with mine as you read. So I have no right to give advice really xxx just that you deserve to be happy and we don't get to choose the circumstances of life, we must just face them xxxxxxx

Your post reminds me of Charlotte and her first husband in Sex and the City. The sex was unsatisfactory, they went to a therapist and it turned out he was into 'boobs' porn; basically he'd married a woman who was the opposite of his physical 'type' (the actress who plays Charlotte is a slim Kate Middleton-type brunette) because he didn't think desire and marriage went together. Maybe it's something like this? He's the one with the problem, and you can't help him unless he wants to be helped.

I would echo what PP @thingsdogetbetter said.

He obviously has drive because he's watching porn.

Marriage counselling?