Can’t stand to be in a room with step dad, mum being brain washed.

[Lovemusic33]

I have always been close to my mum, had a great childhood, mum was a really caring person. Last year she re married, I clash with my step dad, he puts me down all the time, argues with everything I say and I often leave early whilst visiting them because he has said something to upset me. He’s racist, sexist, has no respect for women and has sent me sexual innuendos via messenger. Most of my family don’t like him but everyone keeps there mouth shut as they don’t want to upset my mum. He has persuaded my mum to write a will leaving me nothing (everything goes to my DB), my mum seems to be brain washed by him and is turning into a different person. All they both do is slag everyone off including close friends.

Tonight I had an emergency, I always call my mum for advice (even though she probably can’t help), he answered the phone, asked me what I wanted, told him I had just phoned for some advice as I was panicking (water pissing coming through the ceiling, I know I probably could have called someone else but I can’t afford to call a plumber out at 10pm), he basically told me to fuck off and that it wasn’t his problem, then spoke to mum who just agreed with him.

I’m just fed up with being spoken too like I’m shit on his shoe and fed up of my mum agreeing with everything he says.

I wish I could go no contact but obviously I love my mum and I’m worried about her. I can’t beleive she can’t see him for what he is (everyone can see it).

If she has been taken in, then telling her he is a creep won’t help. She has to work that out for herself.
But stay calm and close-by. She’ll need you very much when he eventually does something that is a step too far.
She’ll need you to be there, to listen, to believe her, to back her up.
If he is that much of an arse, the day will come.

Not much of a mum.

Cut her out.

That sounds so hard. Can you not arrange to meet your mum out for lunch etc and then explain to her that you find it hard being around him by love her very much so would like her to visit you without him etc and you’ll see him once or twice a year at xmas and birthdays or something

I have fallen out with him a number of times, once last year I told my mum how I felt and told her I wanted nothing to do with him. She then told me I was being stupid and forced me to apologise to him (this was the day of their wedding). A few months ago I fell out with him again, I blocked him from social media and told my mum that he was causing me too upset. She phoned me and told me I needed to apologise to him, I refused as I hadn’t done anything wrong, she then made me feel bad for not having him on social media, she doesn’t have social media so uses his Fb account to see what I’m up too (photos of the kids etc). Eventually he kind of said sorry to me and mum made me add him back on FB (told me it was upsetting her).

I try and talk to mum but she brushes it off and makes out I’m stupid (because that’s what he tells her). When I phone he butts in to our calls, when I visit he’s there, mum no longer comes to my house (has visited once in a year) but they expect me to visit them most weeks.

A few weeks ago he told me that I would never move away because I rely on them too much, he seems to think I can’t cope without him in my life, I can, I just want a relationship with my mum but she’s turning into a horrible judgemental person like him.

He doesn’t have many friends, none of his own family want to know him and most of my mums family hate him (apart from my grandmother). He causes arguments with everyone, he has strong politiacla views and no ones allowed to have different views. I’m scared to go over, scared to start a conversation because he just turns everything into an argument.

I will stop going over there but I know my mum with start phoning me trying to make me feel bad.

You need to set some boundaries your enabling this man to continue to abuse you. I would remove him from your social media. Your DM is more than able to set up her own account. I have no idea why your apologising to this man? He obviously feels able to say and do what he wants as your mother doesn’t support you. I don’t understand the will? Have you asked her why she has removed you? All seems rather a mess to be honest. However you can start by removing him from your social media. Blocking his number and ensuring your mother knows you are there for her ( even though she isn’t for you). Leave it with her to make contact . It all sound like a soap opera and In truth she obviously is happy within it

Why do you both? Let your DM see the light in her own good time. Certainly don't keep visiting. Eventually your mum hopefully will see the light.

Thanks bangour your right, I need to remove him from social media and my life. I guess I’m a little bit scared of him as are a lot of people (which is why no one stands up to him).

The house is in both of there names and was left to them by a friend, I went over one day and was told they had written their will and we’re leaving the house to my brother when my step dad dies on condition my mum stays in the house until she dies (and my brother looks after her). My step dad has 2 sons and my mum has me and my brother, none of us other than my brother are in the will. I guess when I was told I was in shock and didn’t say anything so it seems wrong to question it now. I am in contact with one of his sons who has warned me that his dad is using my mum (mum will be getting a large amount of money when her mum passes) he has warned me that his dad is dangerous.

Step dad isn’t in the greatest health, he drinks a lot and is very unfit. I just prey that he drops dead one day (soon) and that my mum sees sense and changes the will. I am a single mum, I don’t have loads of friends so I do rely on my mum for advise but I can cope without her. It’s causing me too much stress and upset.

That sounds very hard for you, but only your Mum can decide to fix this. He sounds very abusive, but there probably isn't much you can do if your Mum doesn't want things to change. Perhaps she is still enjoying the relief of having someone "strong" to take over responsibility after years of being on her own. You just have to hope she gets fed up with the imprisonment eventually. I think you need to protect yourself from him by reducing contact, sadly, until /unless she peels herself away from him a bit.

What if anything do you know about this man in terms of his relationship history?. Has he been in trouble with the police previously?. I ask as it may well take some hard evidence that she cannot deny to snap your mother out of her fog here.

Your mother is a bystander and is getting what she wants out of this relationship. She being also thoroughly manipulated by him to date cannot or equally will not see what is happening in front of her here.
How did these two meet?. She was targeted by him because she was herself lonely and he saw some insecurities within her that he could himself expose and exploit further. She is now completely in his thrall and is indeed being used by him for his own ends.

You cannot help your mother but you can help your own self by raising your own boundaries by taking this man off all your social media and not visiting them. Refuse to listen to your mother's witterings about her husband and his being blocked from your social media.

I doubt very much this man will even let your mother meet you for lunch on her own; he has her under that much of a tight leash and she won't want to go anyway.

Who wrote the will and who is it lodged with?. If it was written without proper legal advice this could in future cause both your brother and you an awful lot of bother.

Attila I only really know what his son has told me. He has had several relationships, his son tells me he treated all of them badly. 2 sons by 2 different women, his ex went on the run with his son to stop him seeing him, it went through court several times before she went on the run (left the country). He has a history of taking drugs but no police record. He’s one of those people that can talk himself out of everything. He has a history of disrespecting women, possibly using prostitutes and going to certain clubs. He has excuses for all his failed relationships, my mum believes every word he says, she’s totally smitten with him and brain washed. I know if I tried to talk to her she would probably disown me (chose him over me) because she’s so taken in by him. My mum was only single for a few years after divorcing my dad, he kind of wormed his way in and made out he was rescuing her. I never liked him from day one, he’s creepy, makes sexual comments to me as well as just being a argumentative twat,

My mum tells me that he thinks the world of me and my dd’s, I don’t leave my dd’s alone with him as I don’t trust him with them, he has upset my eldest daughter in the past.

I dthink not go over as much as I used too, after a while mum phones me and asks where I am, I think this time I will just suggest that she can always come and visit me. I feel bullied by him. This weekend he wants me to go to a event with them, he keeps on about how important it is that I go, I have told him there’s no point in me going as I can’t afford it, he tries to control what I do in my spare time so I no longer tell them what I’m up too. I won’t be going at the weekend as I have other plans. He tries to control everyone which is why his youngest son refuses to have anything to do with him.

The will was written up by a family solicitor and is all legit (as far as I know). Apparently my brother deserves the house more than anyone else despite me having 2 disabled children (one who will never live independently).

I think I would try to get your mum on her own. Tell her she’s in a deeply abusive relationship and she’s a shell of the person she was. Give her a book on dv with strict instructions to keep it hidden, with a phone number for Women’s Aid. Tell her you love her very much but you can’t be involved in this toxic situation any more because he’s abusing you too. So you will have to cut contact with him completely.

You will meet her out of the house on her own, and she can come to your house without him, but you will never see him again.

And your door is always open if she ever wants to leave him.

Hmm, I think if you take Tatiana's advice, your stepF might well find out anyway causing more trouble. But yes, draw back but make it clear to your mum your door is open to her. Im guessing your db is 'in' with them and you and him don't communicate about this?

I think if I approached her she would just laugh at me tbh, she thinks he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to her, she tells me all the time how wonderful he is and how happy she is, she’s totally brain washed.

I think all I can really do is stop going over there and just have contact with mum, arrange to meet her out of the house. I talk to her a lot on the phone, I can tell when he’s in the room as she’s less talkative, I will continue to talk to her on the phone. All I can really do is hope that she eventually sees sense.

Could you maybe do a Clare's Law application through the police? Any incidents in the past for which they have a record (need not have resulted in a conviction) and which would mean that your mum could be at risk would be flagged up. If the police consider that she'd be at risk then an officer would go and have a serous chat with her about what they know about him, how to protect herself and possible next steps. You can make an application on behalf of your mum if you don't think she'd do it herself.

I think if I approached her she would just laugh at me tbh, she thinks he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to her, she tells me all the time how wonderful he is and how happy she is, she’s totally brain washed.

She may well do but something might go in somewhere and get stored away. If you’ve done your due diligence you’ve done everything you could.

You putting your foot down about him may tell her something even if she is denial for some time.

I would write to her. Tell her your honest thoughts and opinions and facts (messages etc) relating to her husband. Suggest Freedom Programme. Suggest Claires Law. Explain you cant continue a relationship witb her as its too upsetting to see what he is turning her into but that when she is ready to break away you will be there in a heartbeat.

Then go no contact.

Itll be hard. But I honestly think its the only solution.

Screenshot all the messages he sends you, especially the sleazy ones, in case anything ever happens and you need to show your mum or the police.

I can see why you're worried about her choosing him over you if you confront her, so maybe bide your time and go as LC as possible for now to give yourself a break from the stress. But let her know you'll be there for her no matter what. Hopefully at some point the fog will start to lift and she'll see him for what he is.

NapQueen, I think you can only check Clare's Law to see if someone's on the list if you're their partner. I don't think other family members can use it, unfortunately.

I would cut them both out of your life, personally. They sound vile. Life is way to short to have nasty folk like that in it.

Have you ever shown her the inappropriate messages?

Sadly I think it won't make a difference. Its like an addiction, she won't accept help until she accepts there is a problem.

Don't write to her. She'll just show it to him. Keep distant and don't go to their house. Keep conversation brief with her.

Hi. How are you. Hope all is well. Take care. If she would choose a man over you, then leave her to it. If she has disinherited you, at his say so..so be it.

Don't ask her for help with anything. Manage by yourself.

Be distant and I'd only allow her to see your DC without him. Don't slag him off to her. She wont believe you. Just don't talk about him.

@Makemineboozefree you can do a Claire's Law for a friend or relative but it has to be about someone in a relationship with friend/relative etc. (their spouse, partner, boyfriend, whatever). I did one on behalf of my best mate and had to explain why I was doing it, what the concerns were etc so that they could be sure that I wasn't just fishing for information about a random person. Friend was blind to the obvious and I'm very glad I did do the app as within 24 hrs, CID had paid her a visit to discuss with a list of the very relevant DV and other violent incidents that he'd decided to keep from her.

I think on one hand it is worth you researching Claire's Law and considering making a request.

On the other hand, you need to prepare for the worst and protect yourself. Get him off your social media. Toughen up. You may lose your mum for a while, but you sound unhappy. You should focus on yourself.

I'm sorry OP. Be strong x

I’m pretty sure Claire’s law won’t uncover anything, he’s too sneaky to ever get caught, he’s slimy towards women and has made a few sexual comments towards my kids. A family member has known him for many years and knows he used to have sex parties at his house (think car keys in a bowl). He’s manipulative and I suspect he planned to get his friend (female) to leave him her house when she became ill, he probably plans on doing the same when my mum gets her inheritance.

You need to tell your Mum in a letter if necessary how you feel about him. And then stop all contact with him.
She can come to you or meet you out if she wants to.

I would have zero contact with someone who made sexual comments to my children Nevermind any of the rest of it. It sounds like he is grooming you all (for whatever he wants), and the only thing to do is have rock solid boundaries.