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Original poster

Trigger warning for marital rape

30 replies

WoIsMe · 03/09/2018 11:51

My husband and I have been married for almost 20 years. Last night we had sex and afterwards I went to sleep, and I thought he did too. I woke up some time later to find him having sex with me. I pushed him off me, shouting and throwing things at him, then locked myself in the bathroom to calm down. When I came out he had already gone to sleep so I went back to bed and went to sleep too.

In the morning he woke up first and brought me a cup of tea in bed. He couldn't understand at first why I was so angry with him until I told him he had raped me. He doesn't remember a thing and was horrified to find out what he did. We tiptoed around each other for the rest of the morning and it was a relief to get out to work.

I don't know what to think now, or what to do. Is our marriage over? How can we rebuild any level of trust if he doesn't even remember doing it? Would he do it again? We had two bottles of wine between us yesterday evening but he didn't seem so drunk as to not remember things. What the hell is wrong with him that he had sex with me if I was asleep? He's never done it before so why now, especially as we had already had sex that evening. I'm so confused.

OP posts:
Aprilshowersinaugust · 03/09/2018 11:53

My exh raped me 2 weeks pp.
Next day he denied doing anything wrong. I took my wedding rings off and started planning to leave him.
He ended our marriage that night.
Sorry this has happened to you op, no going back imo.
I do regret not reporting him to the police though.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 03/09/2018 11:54

Does he really not remember? Having sex in your sleep is a real condition, it’s known as sexomnia but I don’t think thats the technical term. I know someone who experiences this and it is completely real and out of their control, but it’s rare and if this is the first time I’d be questioning that, though it’s not impossible.

Original poster
WoIsMe · 03/09/2018 12:02

I'm sorry Aprilshowers I can only imagine how awful that must have been for you. I don't think I want to report my DH to the police though.

Rain I'm sure he doesn't remember. He looked so lost and confused when I told him what he had done. He has never sleepwalked or talked in his sleep or anything that could suggest it was sleep sex. At the time I thought he was awake, it didn't occur to me until you mentioned it that he might have been asleep. It seems so bizarre that I'm almost wondering whether it was a dream. But it wasn't a dream - the things I threw at him were all over the floor when I woke up.

OP posts:
fantasmasgoria1 · 03/09/2018 12:04

My ex used to and tell me it was his right as my husband, he used the conjugal right none sense on me. I’m sorry this has happened to you. I don’t know where you could go for advice and support for this.

RatRolyPoly · 03/09/2018 12:19

I think if you genuinely believe that he doesn't remember that might be a slightly different kettle of fish, although of course you are still the victim of a rape regardless of his memory of it.

If you genuinely believe he doesn't remember I think he needs to see a doctor. Had he been drinking?

Peridot1 · 03/09/2018 12:22

I think if he really doesn’t remember and it seems like that is the case as he was so bewildered then it’s very different to if he deliberately did it. Is he particularly stressed?

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/09/2018 12:22

Even if he did it in his sleep, it was still rape. He had sex without your consent. How can you ever feel safe in your own bed with him ever again?
If it was me, what he did would end our marriage. The end.

So sorry this has happened

SwordToFlamethrower · 03/09/2018 12:24

Bloody hell fanta. :(
It was outlawed in the 90s, when did he tell you this?
Did he think you signed away your consent when you married? I find that utterly horrifying :(

Chapsview · 03/09/2018 12:43

As a man I admit to having once been woken up to find myself and my partner "having sex". I was fast asleep and she woke me up.

She could see I was asleep so she fully understood I was not doing anything conciously so I have to say it can happen.

FilledSoda · 03/09/2018 12:44

If he was asleep would the struggle not have women him up ?

Orlandointhewilderness · 03/09/2018 12:54

Occasionally DP and I will wake up in the middle of fairly heavy foreplay which has started when we are both asleep so it is possible.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/09/2018 14:43

A man has recently been jailed for claiming this and the jury mustn't have believed him.
I must admit I have fondled DH in my sleep and known nothing about it until he has woken me up to ask what I'm doing Blush.
I'd be horrified and feel it was unjustified if he divorced me over it.
I suppose it comes down to trust. If he has prior form.
It sounds like your mind is made up though.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 03/09/2018 15:24

If he’d been drinking, and you’d already had sex so it was in his most recent memory it’s quite possible he was going through the motions in his sleep. You’ve been married 20 years, if he’s usually considerate and you’ve not had any other concerns about his conduct or fear of violence from him I’d be inclined to believe he was asleep.

NadiaLeon · 03/09/2018 16:47

OP - do you think he'd rape others? If so, please contact the police.

DaveyDifferentGravy · 03/09/2018 17:36

Sounds like it could be sexsomnia, alcohol can trigger it. I did it once, I was drunk. My girlfriend knew I wasn't consciously doing it as I was talking jibberish and suddenly rolled over and went to sleep.

rwalker · 03/09/2018 17:40

Sexsomomina is a condition and this happens but only you know your husband ,his character and your gut instinct if you believe him .

fantasmasgoria1 · 03/09/2018 19:15

Sword it was horrific. Eventually he suffered premature ejaculation so it was thankfully over very quickly. I learned to zone out and imagine I was elsewhere. I have never heard of sexomnia but it could explain it. Again I’m sorry it happened.

Original poster
WoIsMe · 04/09/2018 11:24

He still doesn't remember a thing so it does seem like he might have been asleep. He said he didn't drink an excessive amount that would account for him forgetting what happened. It's going to be hard for us to get past this though. I feel vulnerable around him now and he feels ashamed of himself.

OP posts:
KissMeBoris · 04/09/2018 11:40

This reply has been deleted

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NadiaLeon · 04/09/2018 12:03

Kissmeboris - please don't blame this on the OP's drinking.
That's rape apology.

GreenMeerkat · 04/09/2018 12:08

It is possible.

My DH can sometimes get a bit 'handsy' in his sleep. He is fast asleep and has no idea he is doing it at the time and warned me about it before we spent our first night together. I'm a light sleeper so I always wake up and bat him off before it leads to anything else but if I was a deeper sleeper it could potentially lead further.

You know your DH, do you think he was aware or not? Because both scenarios are very, very different and require very different responses.

dreaming174 · 04/09/2018 12:33

I think other people's terrible experience could cloud your judgement here. I'm not condoning with he did, but after 20 years surely you know him well enough to know if this is out of character, likely to be a terrible mistake/sleeping thing?
I think I would feel violated if I were you. I did wake up to my drunk husband trying to get me in the mood in the middle of the night when I was faaast asleep, very handsy, but actual sex yes I can see the issue. It really depends on his past character.
Personally for me, knowing my DH, I'd be having a very very strong word about boundaries and would be wary for a while and I'd let him know that.

chasinggarlic · 04/09/2018 12:46

OP - do you think he'd rape others? If so, please contact the police.

WTF. So it's ok for him to rape OP, just not anyone else Hmm

BeyondAnOmnishambles · 04/09/2018 13:05

While it could be theoretically possible that he either has a sleep disorder you were both unaware of, or was so drunk he didn't know, or some combination of the two, the only acceptable reaction from him now is regret at causing you harm, utter mortification and a 100% commitment that it will never happen again.

So something along the lines of giving up drinking completely and maybe even sleeping separately forever, along with seeing a dr. Anything less than that would show he was minimising, or even potentially that he is lying about not remembering.

And even if he does all of that and his reaction is "right", it is perfectly reasonable for you to decide that this is the end and you cannot put up with the potential risk hanging over you. Flowers

deydododatdodontdeydo · 04/09/2018 14:13

a 100% commitment that it will never happen again.

If he was doing it in his sleep he can never promise that can he?
Separate beds or separation is the only option if that's how she feels.
It sounds like her mind is made up.

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