Have you lost a best friend? Need a handhold :(

[Thisiswonderful]

Not lost as in passing away, but a loss of the friendship. My best friend of 15 years has slowly but steadily been distancing herself from me - nothing dramatic, just long delays between messages, constant and convenient 'busyness' etc. It really hurts because we were the type of friends to chat every day, to share all of our ups and downs and trivial stuff and now it seems like I'm just not important anymore. Nothing has happened so it's not even like I can raise anything and when I did tentatively try she made excuses about why she hasn't been available.

I feel so awful and am racking my brains to think what I could've done wrong but I really don't think I have, she just seems to have tired of the friendship.

Has anyone lost a best friend? It hurts like a break up but even worse because I can't confront it, it seems like there's no choice but to just let it go

Could there be something you've possibly done, for example something minor, but she see's it as a major thing? Does she still chat even though there are big delays?

My BF of 20 years is now a distant memory.

At first I blamed myself.
I thought I must have "done wrong".
Truth is it was not me.
Turns out on reflection she was not a good friend.
I put in all the labour. Physical and emotional. There was a pattern to her treatment of me...when I was doing great in life she was distant. When my life was rubbish she was there spouting about her holidays, perfect job/boyfriend/busy sovial life.

Ask yourself how good a friend was she really?

Could you ask her outright if everything is okay as you’re worried you’ve done something wrong?

That way it gives her the opportunity to either say yes She’s pissed off because...... or no she’s absolutely fine just busy. If it’s the first well then you have a chat and sort it out, if it’s the second but she continues to make no effort then just distance yourself

Friendships are no different to relationships. It takes two. If you’re the only one putting in the effort then it’ll drain you.

I lost a good friend, when my dd died. She made very hurtful comments on a public FB page.
When I confronted her, she made out it was nothing.
After that our friendship fell away.
In a strange way I still miss her but I could never forget what she had said.

@loveyoutothemoon I can't think of anything, honestly. We didn't have any arguments or anything like that so if I have done something it's a complete mystery to me. She just seems disinterested and when she does reply it's quite minimal - I try and ask her how things are going but she doesn't engage much. I know she's not depressed or anything like that, I think she has moved onto other friendships and I'm just not a priority anymore.

@CosmicCanary it sounds like you were better off in the end without her, though I'm sure it must have hurt a lot. My friend really was a great friend to me up until she started becoming distant, which is why it really hurts. Maybe when it's further down the track I'll think differently.

Mine did this. Then she did something really hurtful and I ceased contact. It really hurt and affected me.

Years later she contacted me and apologised and we resumed our friendship. However I can never trust her like I used too. I'm pleased we are friends again but if she disappeared again I wouldn't be upset.

Mine did. Had been best mates for 10 years but she was always too wrapped up in her relationships and got more distant over time. Then she was totally crap when my Mum was dying. In the end I just totally cut her off. The back and forth was too much, I thought it was easier just to cut all ties with her. I sometimes miss her but I don’t regret cutting her off. Some people just don’t deserve your friendship.

A good friend did this to me years ago. It turned out that she'd been having an affair at work and ended up distancing herself from all of their joint friends. Once she was established with the new man she got in touch again. Could she be going through something and need to put her life on hold for a while?

I have but for me it was out of choice. Ten years ago I had to cut contact with my BF who is grown up with. I still miss him. I still think about him and I just hope he's ok and happy.

It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do but it had to be done for reasons I won't go into here.

It hurts, it's lonely and very unsettling and confusing. The greif lasted a long time and still comes up. Today I thought about him and would love to have spoken to him.

Yes - she got into an abusive relationship, one day asked me to tell her my true opinion on her DP. I did and she never spoke to me again.

But tbh she was a rubbish friend before that and the friendship had become one-sided. I took a job abroad for 8 months and she never contacted me/replied while I was away despite the fact we'd been best friends for 12 years When I returned she said she couldn't explain why she did it!

The final nail in the coffin came when I went through a terrible break up and she wasn't there for me. I told her what had happened and never heard from her again (despite having gone above and beyond over the years when she was in similar circumstances). These days she's put out feelers to other friends saying she wants to contact me again but I'm not interested. It was like a bereavement losing her and now I have much better, more reciprocal friendships. Sorry OP, it's shit I know.

I lost a best friend who I thought would be a friend forever; it still hurts now far more than any relationship break up.
I asked her outright in the end and the answer she gave I understood but if she’d spoken to me about it earlier the outcome might have been different but by the time we talked about it I think it was too late and the damage was done both by what she perceived I’d done wrong and by me feeling that I hadn’t had her support or honesty

Does she live locally or nearish you?

Yes, exact same happens to me but when I think of deleting her number and never talking to her again she gets in touch, then I reply, then she disappears again. It's so predictable. I think the answer is to try and connect with lots of people and if it it makes you feel lonely, don't let people treat you like shit.

Sorry to hear about your daughter @ParkheadParadise

It does actually hurt just as much as a break up, if not more because we have supported each other through so many break ups over the years. The reason I haven't outright confronted her over it is that I'm scared that could be the nail in the coffin. I'm still hoping maybe this is just us drifting apart a little bit and that we can pick things back up in time. I know though that I won't be able to trust her in the same way though.

No, we don't live that close to each other @Loopytiles, but that's been the case for a long time and we always texted and spoke on the phone constantly.

That's exactly how it's been with her @Chocolatecoffeeaddict. She takes days to reply (all the while replying constantly to group message threads we're both in!) and then pops up again like it's no big deal. I do have other friends but she really was my best friend, the one I trusted more than any other friend.

Maybe it's for the best? Are you likely to bump into her though?

Yes I had a best friend for around 27 years. We haven't spoken now for around 2 years. We didn't have an argument or anything like that. I have children and she didn't that's all I can think of. She wasn't there for me when I had my last baby. I was seriously ill afterwards and stayed in hospital after the birth for around 10 days. She didn't visit me.
She just wasn't there for me. It was only a matter of time before we drifted apart. The final straw was when she asked me to meet her for lunch with the baby and she asked me outright if I'd accused her of being a benefit cheat. She was being investigated by the DSS for working and claiming benefits and she thought I'd dobbed her in.
Never been so insulted.
I don't miss her but do think it's sad all those years we were friends and now we aren't. She is also one of my DC godmothers so they have been affected aswell.

Yes recently. She was with an abusive man and for three years I helped her with leaving him, going into a refuge, money, food, travel, housing. We went on holidays and weekends away that I always paid for (by choice) and saw each other nearly every day. Then I got pregnant and stopped drinking and have related health issues so I can't do as much, and she went back to the ex partner because as she said it was boring now and I made her feel lonely. She was my only friend in the city I live in and I feel awful. I can't help her any more because I can't be around her partner now I'm pregnant. He's a big drinker and addict and she is the same when she's with him- I'm not putting my baby near that.
It feels worse than a relationship break up somehow. She actually went out and found this man where he was begging for drug money, because I wasn't good enough any more and an abusive relationship was better than not drinking with me!

Yes. Through my own fault. I was not a good friend, for a variety of reasons, including serious mental health issues. I tried contacting her after several years had gone by, asking for her forgiveness, hoping to regain her friendship. She was not interested. I still dream about her.

I feel for you, op. It is a painful thing to experience

The loss of my childhood best friend is something I've never got over really

As a child I never really considered what her DM thought of me it wasnt something I ever gave a thought to.

As an adult looking back I can tell she didn't like my parents and probably thought we were "lacking the same values " and thought I wasn't good enough.

We were best friends from 9 years old into our 20s and my friend just ghosted me. I always felt her Mum discouraged the friendship.

Years later I found out that her mother STILL to this day sends Christmas Cards to one of our other friends Mums, even though they'd not spoken in decades. I think she preferred them and their daughter and lamented that their friendship had not been the one to stick.

She never not once sent my Mum one.
Which just about sums it up.

Last year I walked straight into my friend her husband and their baby and she completely
blanked me. I still feel heartbroken by it.

I lost my bf about 15 years ago, we were at school together, we were both in our early 30s and she just disappeared. Stopped returning my calls, didn’t reply to messages or letters, I was really worried about her, but also extremely hurt as we’d been through so much. I spoke to her mum and it turns out it wasn’t personal, she was suffering with depression and pushed everyone away.

I carried on sending her birthday cards and Christmas messages but eventually gave up. She added me recently on Facebook but I keep my distance. It seems so strange to me to watch her social media life but know how badly she treated me. I know she was ill but it still hurts.

Sorry you’re going through this

I lost my friend, I felt like she was distancing herself from me, she had lots of other friends and I only had a few so I got too attached really, but she would always refer to me as her best friend, our sons are the same age so were best friends, we went out with our husbands as a 4 all the time, went on holiday together a few times. I visited her in hospital when she was very ill, yet when I went into hospital she didn't come and see me. Small things like that kept adding up and it was me who fell out with her. I missed her immediately and reached out and she 'forgave' me, I shouldered all the blame just so we could be friends again but it didn't work, she put no effort in and wanted me to practically beg for forgiveness, her DH wouldn't make up with me as he said I'd hurt their DS by taking my DS away (they were 4 at the time ) we arranged three times to meet up and she cancelled every single one so in the end I just removed her from Facebook, and deleted her number. She then blocked me.

I still miss her, I saw her a few weeks ago at a local fete, felt so strange to just walk past each other. I really would like to be friends again but I don't know why as she never treated me like a true friend on reflection, I was handy when none of her other friends were free. Hoping I'll see sense soon and stop mourning the loss of the friendship

I have too. A friend of 31 years. We’d been through ups and downs and she has some issues due to her abusive childhood. She lost touch with me after an argument for a few years but we reconnected 10 years ago. This past 18 months has been awful. It started becoming very tiring as she was overanalysing everything I said and taking offence at everything I did. I’d always tried to be a good friend but it got too hard. We lost touch early this year as I’d annoyed her again over something stupid, childish and ridiculous. She asked me to leave her alone so I did. It hurt but I hadn’t done anything wrong. She sent me a lovely message a few weeks ago and I sent her a nice one back. She blocked me a week later for some reason that is inexplicable to me. I have literally no idea why. This weekend she approached me in the pub, never spoke after I said hello then stormed off. This will also have been my fault. I’m done with the second guessing and the drama. She behaves like this to nobody else. I can’t live up to her expectations of a friend that only ever listens to her, where I only support her and get nothing back. She’s abusive to her DH in front of her children, she tried to start an affair with a work colleague in my house, she’s destroyed my property and stolen from me in drink. It’s all too much. I’ve tried to support her and I understand why she’s complicated but I get singled out and I’ve no idea why. It’s really really sad but I’m done 🙁

I also meant to say I also have uncomplicated kind and caring friends and I’m prioritising those friendships

Yes. Best friend from the first day of school at 4. We were like sisters.
We went to separate secondary schools but it didn't matter. Literally went through everything together and made a pact that we would let one another know when we had lost our virginity!

We had a fall out when we were 15. The house phone rang and it was her. She said "I did it" and then put the phone down.
I rang straight back for the gossip and we were back to best friends again.

She met her husband on a night out at 18. He was older and from another city 150 miles away. She went there and I went to uni, she had kids. I was at the hospital within hours, dp and I were the only witnesses at their wedding. She drove for 2 hours when I was in labour with ds and lied and said she was my sister so they let her in.
Holidays/weekends away and the four of us were a great team. He then cheated on her and she moved back to our home city about 10 years ago. I've seen her once.

It still baffles me to this day as she is on FB on tags me in best friend memes, puts happy birthday to my best friend etc but has not bothered to see me. I've tried and tried. No more. So bloody sad