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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you lost a best friend? Need a handhold :(

73 replies

Thisiswonderful · 02/09/2018 20:37

Not lost as in passing away, but a loss of the friendship. My best friend of 15 years has slowly but steadily been distancing herself from me - nothing dramatic, just long delays between messages, constant and convenient 'busyness' etc. It really hurts because we were the type of friends to chat every day, to share all of our ups and downs and trivial stuff and now it seems like I'm just not important anymore. Nothing has happened so it's not even like I can raise anything and when I did tentatively try she made excuses about why she hasn't been available.

I feel so awful and am racking my brains to think what I could've done wrong but I really don't think I have, she just seems to have tired of the friendship.

Has anyone lost a best friend? It hurts like a break up but even worse because I can't confront it, it seems like there's no choice but to just let it go Sad

OP posts:
chickydoo · 02/09/2018 22:17

Me too
Friends for 35 years. (We met when we were 8)
She just stopped calling me back, stopped sending me Birthday cards, stopped texting. I have really tried.
She has simply moved on, although she did suffer with MH problems for a while due to a mixed up childhood & adolescence.
It is a shame, sometimes though I think she was worried I would mention her difficult/unusual past behaviour to her new friends. I would never have done that though.
Other than her family I guess I am the only one who knows her full history, maybe that's the reason she felt she needed to move on.
It is sad, and I do miss our long chats.

Whalebird · 02/09/2018 22:25

Yep. The kind of friend I just felt more like myself around. Totally different circumstances but I ended things. Still hurts, a lot.

crispysausagerolls · 02/09/2018 22:37

I lost my best friend nearly a year ago - after 10+ years of forgiving her pathological lying (lies about being raped, dead brothers, money, jobs etc) I finally had the final straw over a dead grandfather lie and told her she wouldn’t find someone if she continued like that and I was so so upset with her. She just dropped me. She was in the wrong but just chose the lies over me. Didn’t want to make amends and dropped me. I am still heartbroken, confused and have dreams about her often. I don’t get why I was the one getting dropped. Just had my first baby and she didn’t even get in touch.

crispysausagerolls · 02/09/2018 22:38

Sorry OP my point was that I understand and I am holding your hand!!! 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖 it’s awful but they don’t deserve you if they hurt you

MalloryLaurel · 02/09/2018 22:39

Yes.

CognitiveDissonance · 02/09/2018 22:54

I'm going through this at the moment Sad

FrangipaniBlue · 02/09/2018 22:58

One of my closest friends DH defrauded money from members of my family. Police were involved and it transpired my family weren't the only ones.

He was then admitted to hospital after telling his GP he was suicidal.

To begin with I was sympathetic and told her I'd be there for her, I'd help her to help him sort his life out and make amends etc because everyone makes mistakes.

It turned out there was fuck all wrong with him and that he was faking it all and lying to avoid arrest. She not only buried her head in the sand but she lied and covered for him too.

After he was eventually arrested he skipped bail and fled the country before he could be charged. She followed him a few months later.

I was heartbroken to lose my friend but will never forgive her.

BeardedMum · 02/09/2018 23:06

Yep also going through this at the moment. I have spent so much time analysing why, but in the end I have also realised that actually she was never that great a friend. She was jealous and resentful of other peoples lives and happiness, so I had to be careful about everything I said in case I could come across as “braggy”. She was never particularly interested in me I don’t think. I might be better off without her!

Teacherlikemisstrunchball · 02/09/2018 23:06

One of my oldest friends and closest when I was younger went NC with me after our wedding and has never spoken to me since. She came to the wedding and was loveliness itself, we talked when I got back from my honeymoon and we started to make plans for me going to visit her. I found some flights and emailed saying ‘do these dates work for you?’ And she never replied again. I texted, rang, emailed, contacted her sister and parents and nothing. Nada in return ever. I still think of her now, 10 years later and wonder what happened.

Original poster
Thisiswonderful · 03/09/2018 08:19

So sorry to hear these stories but it also makes me feel a bit better. I keep staring at the phone because yet again, continual stream of messages from her to others on a group chat but not a word to my message from several days ago...I feel so petty even thinking about it, let alone bringing it up but it really drives home that I'm just so low on her radar now.

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 03/09/2018 08:41

It’s so sad when people lose close friends. I moved away from my home town so my oldest and most reliable friends are back there (thankfully not far). My best friend in my new city is a bit of a nightmare and I’m having issues with her. Last year she had a bizarre breakdown after a break up (they barely knew each other) and she almost lived only house. She lives close so was here almost every day, sleeping over and literally taking up ALL of my time. Ironically I had split from a 16 year relationship a few months earlier but she hardly gave me any time.
She has recently met someone new and I’ve just broken up with someone else and, guess what? She is nowhere to be seen. I don’t want to lose the friendship but I’m lowering my expectations of her and if she breaks up from this guy, I won’t be as available to her.

crappyday2018 · 03/09/2018 08:44

Sorry op, I meant to ask - have either of your lives changed in any way recently? New jobs, new partners, kids etc? This can be a massive cause of friendships fizzling out.
The same friend I mentioned has distanced herself from other friends because they had kids and were I longer going out drinking and partying anymore.

Jeezoh · 03/09/2018 08:45

I’m going through this just now and it hurts. But I’m concentrating on developing friendships with other people and that’s helping.

Rudgie47 · 03/09/2018 09:00

I think its part of life TBH and you don't have to have done anything wrong as such. People just change, even if its not an obvious massive change.Just let her go you cant do anything and concentrate on other things and remove yourself from the group chats etc.
I'd also stop looking at her Facebook and other social media as it will just be upsetting.

Original poster
Thisiswonderful · 03/09/2018 10:00

@crappyday2018 she's been seeing someone new but I doubt that has anything to do with it as she sees and talks to other friends constantly.

OP posts:
NadiaLeon · 03/09/2018 10:06

Friendships come and go. Took me a while
To realise this. Its a shame but try to look back fondly o the good stuff you shared.

BeardedMum · 03/09/2018 10:14

Some of my friendships come and go. I have made friends at work, with school mums and we have drifted as ultimately we haven’t had much in common I guess. I think lifelong friendships are very different and I think thats the friendships people are mostly referring to here which to me anyway are very different.

BehindLockNumberNine · 03/09/2018 10:27

Yes, me.

My best friend of 5 years. Five years does not sound a lot, and I have a very dear friend of 17 years, but this 5 year friendship was very close and quite intense.

But she has had a bit of a tough time. Then she met a new man, left her husband and now rarely contacts me.
She has been distancing herself for around a year.

I admit that I have been overly intense. I was confused, hurt, didn't want to lose her. She said she was my best friend and I was fretting over nothing, telling me she never wanted to lose me, all the while backing away.
I feel sad I was not able to keep my self respect and let her drift away. I feel sad I begged for her to stay.

It is worse than a break-up. My heart feels heavy.

cropcirclesinthefields · 03/09/2018 10:29

Yes, I know the feeling, I think I'm loosing my beat friend of 20 years. We were inseparable from high school right up until I moved away a few years ago, the communication since has been very much one sided (me contacting her), I have always been the one to travel back to see her. I've now stopped contacting her and waiting for her to make the next move, but it hurts.

Screaminginsidemeagain · 03/09/2018 10:30

My ‘BF’ of 20+ years had an affair with my husband and lied about it for 8years!

Looking back she used me all the time and was a terrible friend but I miss having the idea of her.
Who do I call the talk to? I catch myself thinking ‘I’ll give cuntymccuntface a call and talk to her about that’ and then I remember what she did and that I can’t and it make me sad again.

I’m sorry you are going through this,

RedAndGreenSeen · 03/09/2018 10:33

Yes, I've lost a couple of friends along the way, its always sad, even if you are the one who had to end the friendship.

I'm in my 50s now and though I still have one or two good female friendships, I don't think I'll be going through all that again. Perhaps the more intense friendships are for when you're younger ...

BehindLockNumberNine · 03/09/2018 10:36

I'm wondering how long before the hurt stops? I check my phone constantly, hoping to find a message from her.
I look on her fb page at things she is doing.
It is a form of self-torture.
The strange thing is, the friendship was very one-sided, with me doing all the running. I am better off without her. I have good and close friends who value me and want to spend time with me.
So why am I missing this one friend? Why do I love her above the others?

Original poster
Thisiswonderful · 03/09/2018 11:05

That's exactly me now @BehindLockNumberNine, just waiting to hear from her. I think we connect deeply with particular people and it's difficult to explain why. I always thought it was mutual with this friend (it seemed to be, she contacted me as regularly as I contacted her) but now it's clearly not.

That's despicable @Screaminginsidemeagain, what an awful thing to have to experience.

OP posts:
Screaminginsidemeagain · 03/09/2018 11:23

Thank you.
I’ve done a lot of analysis since DDay.
I think some friendships fall into the same class as emotional affairs. We take these people into our confidence, we discuss things our partners would be unhappy if they knew about, we invest a lot into friendships and it is like a bereavement when they end.
For me I don’t have the same connection with anyone else, yes I can talk to my sister and I do have other friends but how do you start phoning people for a chat if it’s not something you have always done?

I feel like i’m Imposing if I call someone for a chat, like it will be inconvenient for them.

lovesugarfreejelly63 · 03/09/2018 11:34

My best friend died some years ago she could never be replaced.