Since having a baby, I feel differently about DH...

[BlueberrySea]

I've name changed for this post.

I had a baby 8 months ago. She is wonderful and I love her beyond measure, but my feelings towards DH have changed so much since she was born. I've been giving it time, thinking maybe things need to settle down, but they're really not improving... if anything they're getting worse.

I'll preface all of this by saying - I realise my husband is a wonderful man. He is a fantastic Dad, he works hard and provides for us. He (now) parents 50/50 with me, after a rocky start, adjusting. He is very affectionate and loving. He supports me in my career and hobbies, gives me free time, and is intellectually my equal. Our relationship isn't perfect, but on paper, it's more than I could ask for.

But, I am so resentful towards him. Since we brought DD home, his 'sensitivities' are driving me demented - he is a hypochondriac and if he has even a tiny health complaint, he cannot cope. And he moans about being tired, which I cannot abide as I do all the night wakes.

I don't want to have sex with him. In fact, I don't even like him touching me.

He makes a mess, leaves his dirty clothes on the floor and doesn't tidy up after himself (unless I ask).

He spends a lot of time (A LOT) on his phone - nothing suspicious. I am sitting right next to him, so I know its innocent. If anything it's boring. We don't connect in the way we used to.

I am angry with him a lot of the time. I can't seem to help it.

I know a lot of this is probably very common, but - 8 months down the line, shouldn't we be finding our groove again? Shouldn't I be settling down, hormonally? Could this be a sign of something up with me, or has our relationship just changed now??

Any words of experience welcome!

Are you on any hormonal contraception?

@Redken24 Nope, no contraception at all. Except abstinence.

Have you talked to him about any of these things?

You're right, a lot of this is very common - he's untidy and moany. And we all spend a lot of time on our phones. I know I do. Have you got a touch of pnd, perhaps?

I really didn’t feel like myself until DD was around 14 months old, I was insecure, resentful, emotional, just a completely different person to who I was before.

I think it’s perfectly normal to be feeling like you are. You will still be hormonal, mixed with being tired, is not a great combination. Is there any chance you can go on a date night?

Oh, and the phone thing I can really relate to. I remember nearly having a breakdown when our friends visited over them encouraging him to download WhatsApp - as if he wasn’t on his phone enough! Obviously I see how OTT that is now but at the time my feelings were very real!

You’ll get there, you just need to find time for you both as a couple as well as parents, it’s important not to lose site of your relationship with DH.

Honestly to me it sounds quite normal! It took a while for me to feel on the level again - he probably doesn't realise that the small thing's he is not doing are really pissing you off. It's so hard the first year of having a baby - honestly you look at everything with a critical eye.

In my own experience I was just wanting the same level of effort from my husband that I was giving. If that makes sense? Like I appreciate you work all day but please help me I have had no sleep and need a break.

I remember reading somewhere that it's common for new mothers to feel like this about their DPs. I certainly felt less affectionate towards my DH after both my kids were born and to be honest I'm not really sure why, maybe it was hormones, the exhaustion or something else? I did find things did improve after the first year though.

I felt like that for the first year too.

I think it's because babies are so emotionally and physically demanding, that we don't want another person invading what's left of our personal space?

Sleep disruption is also going to make you more irritable and bothered by things that previously didn't bother you as much.

You could try setting aside some time for just the two of you. I hate the term, but 'date night', when the baby's asleep, have a meal together, no phones allowed!

What was it like before DD arrived? Were you fairly equal or did you do more around the house / cooking than he did?

Some men do act like children and when the actual children come along, it’s much harder to deal with, but I’m not saying that’s the case for you OP and I’m just thinking aloud.

I know of one marriage for example (they’re in their 60s now) where the husband is and always has acted like a child at home (despite having a challenging job!) and can’t do anything without asking his wife ...bottom line is actually laziness in that if he acts helpless she does it all because it irritates her too much hearing him ask where this or that is all the time. If he’s got a cold it’s possibly terminal. If he makes a cup of tea he expects a round of applause. On the extremely rare occasions he has cooked we’ve heard all about the meal for next 6 months (even though she cooks every day!!).

So it’s whether your DH is a little bit like the sort outlined above and having a child has suddenly made you realise it and you want to care for the actual infant, not the DH who acts like one or something else entirely. My DH leaves his clothes lying around and I just bite his head off to be honest as I’m picking up after three actual children all the time, but it’s one of the very few irritations.

Its normal to have a bit of a disconnect in some ways after the huge life change of becoming parents, and actually sex just lost all appeal for me for months (and I’m still not bothered!) and DH wasn’t bothered either, we were too tired, but I don’t remember feeling massively irritated by him because he did pull his weight in all areas (except picking up his clothes!). But everything changes when you have a little person to care for and the small irritations can seem huge when you are tired and fed up!

Thanks for all the reassurance - it's nice to know I'm not the only one who has been in this boat!

Our relationship has always been very equal, but it's probably fair to say I've always been the 'project manager'. He doesn't cope well unless I'm 100% on form, and I really wasn't when we first brought DD home. Unfortunately, instead of stepping up when I needed him to, he spent two weeks moping about in his dressing gown and nodding off on the sofa while my mum looked after me, and that's when it all started. I felt so let down by him, and I've not really moved on from it, although I recognise that it was very hard for him too at the time.

Now, whenever the small things annoy me (its at the forefront of my mind at the moment because we've all had a tummy bug - DD and I have just cracked on, DH is back to moping in his dressing gown and clutching his stomach while he moans in a darkened room), it's like I'm back in those first few weeks.

Nothing to add, but I could have written your post word for bloody word. DD is 11, nearly 12, months. I hope it improves.

I had an emergency caesarean and we didn't have sex until maybe this time. Just felt too weird. I felt exactly the same for a while, as you feel resentful of your 'adult husband' wanting attention when you don't have enough attention for your dfb. It will get better. Try not to get too resentful and just roll with it. It takes a LONG time to get back to how you were. Xx

Now, whenever the small things annoy me (its at the forefront of my mind at the moment because we've all had a tummy bug - DD and I have just cracked on, DH is back to moping in his dressing gown and clutching his stomach while he moans in a darkened room), it's like I'm back in those first few weeks.

Sounds like my DH to be honest, I mock him mercilessly for it much of the time but there have been times when I’ve really torn a strip off him. Thing is I’ve had several really horrid bugs the last few years and he has been really supportive and taken care of the kids when I’ve been throwing up violently or in bed with the ‘proper’ flu (as opposed to man flu!). But when he is unwell he really is the saddest sight to behold and if it’s something I’ve already had and shrugged off because I’ve got kids to care for, it is frustrating. I had norovirus last winter and I’ll be crawling around bleaching things and putting bedding everything on a hot wash in between to stop the DCs getting it, but some people can only think of themselves when they’re ill and my DH is one of those. Not much fun OP, you just need to do what I do and take the mickey out of him a lot, it at least makes you feel better and less resentful and my DH has got the point in recent years!!

Hi. Bless u its not surprised that youre fed up. How is he doing 50/50 parenting if you do all the night wakings? The killer of parenting is keeping going when you never have prolonged sleep. Never having proper complete deep sleep cycles is a horrible It makes everything impossible to deal with. Get some sleep - you need it to function. If hes a great dad he will support you in this and not treat you like his servant expecting you to pick his crap up. Read Wifework/mental load and see if it rings bells

It's really strange that you say he parents 50/50 when he doesn't do any night feeds. He is messy, whingy and a hypochondriac. And he completely let you down when you needed him most. No wonder you can't stand him.

Was he always like this ?

Totally normal I think. I felt like this and it’s slowly getting better (DD now 2!).

I realised recently that he was behaving the same as he did before we had a child and the issue was that I had changed and become more sensitive. I still get annoyed but I no longer moan or nag him because he’s not done anything wrong.

It may well be normal to go off your husband a bit for no good reason but it sounds like you have plenty of reasons not to think much of your lazy, self absorbed, selfish uncaring husband. Honestly he sounds awful.

I feel exactly the same about my DH and my DD is 6 months old. It’s awful and I don’t even have very valid reasons. Some days I hate him.

We’ve always been an equal 50/50 partnership, very close and a good, strong and loving relationship. DH does more than his fair share of house work too and doesn’t need telling, he’s certainly not a man-child in any way!

I guess I just thought parenting would be more shared somehow but with me at home and focused on DD and DH working, that’s just not the case. EBF makes that impossible really.

Not sure what the answer is but you have my sympathies. I just hope it wears off!

I feel like this, no reason to, and DD is 2! Not very helpful, sorry...

Having a baby changes your relationship with your partner no end in my experience. So it’s not unusual to feel as you do. Hopefully it will change as baby grows, it’s so demanding looking after a baby, both of you need your focus/energy to be at the moment. Good luck OP try not to worry about it at the moment.

I am also in a simile position with my partner. Ds is just over a year and some things have improved but others haven’t. I’m still bf so that doesn’t help on the hormone front. Thankfully I don’t live with him

People change after having babies. The change is yours, not his. It's not his fault.

Are people actually reading the OP and subsequent posts? No reason to feel as she does? Seriously?

Not his fault?

Why did he spend two weeks moping around in his dressing gown when the op got home from hospital with her newborn I wonder?

Why didn't he step up op? (Genuine question.) If the answer is "be cause your mum was there and he could" I'd have been absolutely livid in your shoes. This seems to be at the root of your very understandable resentment.