Since having a baby, I feel differently about DH...

[BlueberrySea]

I've name changed for this post.

I had a baby 8 months ago. She is wonderful and I love her beyond measure, but my feelings towards DH have changed so much since she was born. I've been giving it time, thinking maybe things need to settle down, but they're really not improving... if anything they're getting worse.

I'll preface all of this by saying - I realise my husband is a wonderful man. He is a fantastic Dad, he works hard and provides for us. He (now) parents 50/50 with me, after a rocky start, adjusting. He is very affectionate and loving. He supports me in my career and hobbies, gives me free time, and is intellectually my equal. Our relationship isn't perfect, but on paper, it's more than I could ask for.

But, I am so resentful towards him. Since we brought DD home, his 'sensitivities' are driving me demented - he is a hypochondriac and if he has even a tiny health complaint, he cannot cope. And he moans about being tired, which I cannot abide as I do all the night wakes.

I don't want to have sex with him. In fact, I don't even like him touching me.

He makes a mess, leaves his dirty clothes on the floor and doesn't tidy up after himself (unless I ask).

He spends a lot of time (A LOT) on his phone - nothing suspicious. I am sitting right next to him, so I know its innocent. If anything it's boring. We don't connect in the way we used to.

I am angry with him a lot of the time. I can't seem to help it.

I know a lot of this is probably very common, but - 8 months down the line, shouldn't we be finding our groove again? Shouldn't I be settling down, hormonally? Could this be a sign of something up with me, or has our relationship just changed now??

Any words of experience welcome!

I could have written this and baby is only two months!! Dp still in bed as tierd. I've done all night feeds, breakfast for his kids ( my three step kids) cleaned kitchen and looked after awake baby who is still feeding several times during the night
. Took him breakfast in bed n he's too tierd to get up!!!
Grrrrr

This is definitely a thing, Esther Perel - the couples therapist, talks about it on her podcast. Some of this stuff comes down to the fact that all your love and good feelings transfer to your baby so you have nothing left for your relationship/husband. Magnified by husbands being unhelpful, not pulling weight, feeling left out etc. I’ll see if I can find a link.

It’s a vicious circle, you aren’t going to connect again if you’re so wound up about every little thing. If my dh is on a stress day, I’ll opt out and do other things too to give him space and he’ll do the same for me.

Have you talked to him about your resentments?

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I actually flip flop between the two views raised here -- thinking it must be me, I've changed, maybe I've even got PND, and then thinking: no, it's him, and I just don't feel the same about him anymore.

I don't know. I am very confused.

I think when you have a baby to look after it shows up any annoying bits about your dp as your energy is so used up by the baby you just run out of patience to put up with twattery. Whereas before you would have smiled and got on with things now you just feel you don’t have time for this shit.

Well, that’s how I was with my now ex. We were together 5 years before we had dd but once we had dd I realised how much of a mummy’s boy he was and how utterly crap he was at pulling his weight. I fell totally out of love with him and couldn’t get it back and left him when dd was 6 months old - she’s now 15.

I remarried and my now dh was amazing when our ds was born. We did everything half and half and fell more in love than ever.

So whilst it is often usual to feel annoyed with your dp after a birth it can also be a sign that someone isn’t pulling their weight and that something is deeply wrong in the relationship.

Nothing changes a relationship like having a child together. I didn't realise how irritated I was by dh until after dd1. Everything he did annoyed me. I questioned the marriage all the time. We never argued until after dd arrived. Then I was diagnosed with PND around the 8 month mark but know I had it before then. Not that PND meant he wasn't irritating, just that i felt everything was worse than it actually was. Like you, dh cannot cope if I am not on top form. Your dh could be depressed himself? It's so life changing and overwhelming for a couple having a baby!

I read somewhere once that having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship. That was certainly true for me.

Could you have a couple of days away at your mum's to see if you miss him? At least then you might find out if it's the situation or him that's the problem

I think the key here is not in whether somebody has to be perfect and not annoy their partner, but whether their partner is reacting in a way that is proportionate to the misdemeanours.

Think about what’s most important to you and talk to him about how this can be improved for you both.

I am surprised how many seem to think this is all down to OP's hormones. Her DH has been acting completely useless and pathetic, totally leaving OP in the lurch. Having a baby forces you to grow up, both mum and dad need to step up to the new responsibility. But OP's DH is still a child, needing looking after, refusing to shoulder his share of the responsibility. I couldn't live with it OP, and I am REALLY surprised and saddened at how many PPs seem to think this is normal behaviour in a man.

What is a good way forward? Communication? Talk to him about what's going on and how let down you feel. Challenge his behaviour. Tell him he needs to step up, your entire lives have changed and you need to deal with this as a team. Otherwise I don't know what is the point. You didn't have two babies, or?

It’s not hormones. You’re resentful because he’s taking work that you don’t have extra energy for now, and he didn’t step up when you needed him to.

Could couples counselling be worth a shot? It’s a way to have a conversation about how you both feel and find constructive ways to work on it, without letting the resentment build up so far it wrecks your relationship.

Have you actually sat together and discussed this?
You need to tell him what you have written here.
He let you down very badly, just when you needed him the most.
That's bloody hard to get over.
But.... unless he understands all of this, he can never put it right.
Having said that, I could not live with someone who was always trying to 'out-tire' me!!
And I could not live with a hypochondriac. Not a chance.

Man flu and phones man, winds me up no end. “Why’s he so destructive!” As two year old is chucking his toys everywhere. Dunno mate, maybe if you actually ducking engaged with him instead of staring at that bloody screen all day he would be fine!!!

Not, sadly, that I am one to talk.

And as for man flu, every time I get ill, he helps for one day, and then comes down with it and it’s like because he was helpful to me I should surely repay the favour by waiting on him the second I feel even slightly better. I’m still ill!!!

Read this thread also OP, many similarities and some good advice

... AIBU to ask DH to fing help for once?!http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/3354204-AIBU-to-ask-DH-to-f-ing-help-for-once

People change after having babies. The change is yours, not his. It's not his fault

Are you kidding? He doesn’t even pick up his dirty pants off the floor but it’s not poor diddums fault?!

It sounds like he might have health anxiety. A mental disorder.

Make it a condition of your relationship that he gets in touch with the local IAPT team in your area for an assessment for health anxiety and sees treatment through. It’s clear that the symptoms are disrupting your marriage greatly.

Angels...He may be a lazy slob, but if OP suddenly changes since having the baby, the change is here, not his.
He should pull his weight more, no argument there...

Angels...He may be a lazy slob, but if OP suddenly changes since having the baby, the change is here, not his.
He should pull his weight more, no argument there

So if a woman’s life is turned upside down after having a baby, she’s tired from doing ALL the night feeds, has no freedom or life of her own and is being treated like a skivvy by her partner (whose life hasn’t changed at all) who can’t even be bothered to pick up his pants, it’s HER fault if she’s pissed at him? No.

Life changes when you have kids, and it should be that way for both parents. If that doesn’t happen then it’s hardly strange that she’s going to get pissed off. If he thought he could continue exactly as he did before then he’s an utter idiot, and only has himself to blame.

I think OP that you really have to recognise that your feelings will be something he picks up on too!! There's a dynamic at play between you that sounds damaging. So...If you feel 'resentment for even the smallest things, you can't bare him to touch you, you are no longer intimate, you don't connect' - you might just wonder how that might make him feel too?
I suspect you are hiding these feelings- so he is only vaguely aware - he's picking up on it but can't process what's happening- and it's making him feel anxious, unwell or generally inept.
I do think the arrival of a baby brings out all kinds of tensions and strains - even in the best relationships.
But I sounds like you have a generally good guy - your. It feeling it - he's picking up on it. The next phase is you will start arguing over small things - you or he will over step the mark - shout, swear, resentments spills over.
And to reverse things you need to turn a vicious circle into a virtuous circle. You've only very recently had a baby so be honest with him about your feelings about sex, and try to concentrate on reconnecting emotionally, by being kind to one another, mutually supportive and not thinking the worst. Good luck OP!

I think we agree Angels that OH needs to pull his weight more. Just like I clearly wrote.

Your DH sounds pathetic, quite frankly. I’m not surprised you resent him.

Mine has more than pulled his weight since DS was born and I’ve still struggled with similar feelings, although they’re nowhere near as justified as yours are!

There is a chapter about it in the book “What Mothers Do”.

I think couples counselling is the way forward. See if you can do it by Skype when baby is in bed.

Thank you for starting this thread OP. I'm in the exact same boat as you and its helpful reading the responses.

The way you speak about the situation “I don’t feel the same way about him” sounds very passive. Rather than either hoping the feelings come back or giving up on the relationship or burying your resentment you should be saying “we are having issues” and actively resolving them. You need to discuss the big things (feeling let down by him after the birth) and the small things (he’s not pulling his weight properly). If you don’t talk about it you’ll neber get over the post birth resentment and he won’t be able to speak about why he was crap (if he does have health anxiety he might have been quite traumatised by the birth). I’m not offering excuses for him but I am suggesting you both should actively seek to understand each other rather than break up without trying.

God - he sounds absolutely bloody useless.

Dear lady, you have just had a tummy bug, that is a very lowering thing, in the first year, which is a tough time for everybody.

Think of yourself, eat your normal meals you like, go for walks with the pushchair/pram. Take it a day at a time, it does get better, obviously I can't guess if you will last with him.

But my daughter 18 now, its a long road, he going to help me take her to uni in 2 weeks, he has been there for us, he admits he found it hard early years, I did and you are too, if you think about it.

Good luck in your life, its not easy but there are highs too, lots of them, to look forward to.