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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Trying to save this friendship

32 replies

longnight · 02/09/2018 16:27

I really don't know where to start with this as it just feels like one big mess. I have namechanged but have been on mumsnet a while.

About 3 months ago a really good friend introduced me to a group of their other friends as I'd had a bit of a crap time on the friend front and she thought it would do me good meeting new people. I'm a single mum and I haven't had much of a social life since the kids were born and the few friends I had up til then were mum's I'd met at school and a friend who I'd met through 1 of them and a couple of friends I've had since school.

I seem to have been accepted into this new group and all of them are lovely apart from 1 who is a guy who seems to be a complete flirt. He's not a bad guy but when he drinks the flirting is ramped up and it sometimes makes me feel a bit uncomfortable but the others are great at being a buffer when this happens as my self esteem has been really shit over the past few years due to bad relationships both romantic and frendwise as I admit I have been a doormat in the past. Since becoming part of this group they have made it possible in me going out twice this was a big thing for me as I hadn't been out since my oldest was 3 and he's 15 now.

About 3 weeks ago I was invited with the kids to a bbq at one of the houses and was told an old friend of the group was back after working abroad for 6 months so there would be a new face. I turned up and the new face turned out to be someone I already knew and considered a friend.

This friend was the brother of an old school friend and we always got on well. Before he went abroad we had gotten closer and he became a friend if mine and not just the brother of a friend iykwim. If he was at a lose end he would come round watch films have a drink and some thing to eat and he would go home. We had a film night not long before he left and got a bit drunk we ended up having a drunken kiss as he was leaving he pulled away said not like this and left. He messages the next day apologising for the kiss and said it hoped it would ruin our friendship and I replied of course not. We kept in touch while he was working away with the odd text asking how I was and what had been up to and up until last weekend we were texting and he had popped round and we seemed to be as friendly as before he left.

This is where the problem lies. Last weekend I went out with the group and he was there everyone seemed to be getting on fine then at one point flirty guy got me cornered and tried to kiss me I pushed him away and told him I liked his as friend but no more and not to do it again. I headed back to where the group was and sat down and everyone apart from my friend who has recently come back. He looked like he was in a really bad mood and I asked him if he was ok but he was very short with me and then ignored me most of the night.
The next morning I text him to ask him if I had done anything to upset him as if I had it was intentional and I wanted to make things right between us as I didn't want to lose him as a friend.
He sent a text saying he was fine and that he hoped I had enjoyed my time with flirty guy. I asked him what he meant and he ignored me. I saw my friend who introduced me to the group twice this week and the first time I mentioned I was worried about the mutual friend and about the text exchange she was confused as me but she's later told me mutual friend and flirty guy had been talking later in the night and mutual friend mood had gotten worse.

How do I sort this out and not lose my friend I haven't messaged him since last Saturday as I thought if I gave him space he'd calm down from whatever has upset him and we could sort things out. I miss him and we are all supposed to be going out at the end of the month as it's a birthday in the group and if things stay this way then it's going to be awkward for everyone and I'm starting to think maybe I should back out and not go.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 02/09/2018 16:35

He sounds like a petulant schoolboy to be honest and as you’ve done nothing wrong that I can discern, I’m not sure you can sort it out - he needs to grow up.

If I were you I’d carry on as normal. Go to the social events you want to and be the friend you usually are. If you keep clamouring to find out the problem, he’ll keep acting like there is one. If you’re normal then he’s more likely to act normally too (and ideally apologise to you for having a strop because some guy made an unwanted pass at you).

yoghurtbinger · 02/09/2018 16:42

I think your old friend has been carrying a torch for you for years, and he is now really disconcerted to find flirty guy hanging round you all the time. I strongly suspect flirty guy has told old friend that you and he are an item and he has warned old friend off.

You need to sort this out pronto.

FishesThatFly · 02/09/2018 16:43

Your friend is jealous

longnight · 02/09/2018 16:57

Thank you for the replies. The petulant school boy doesn't sound like him he's normally one of the most rational people I've ever met and normally if someone is acting sulky for a childish reason he's normally the first to say grow up. Which is why this has left me confused.

If he's jealous and and flirty guy has said something how do I go about sorting this. Do I just say that there's nothing going on between me and flirty guy and leave it at that?

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 02/09/2018 17:03

I wouldn’t, you have done nothing that requires you to explain yourself. If you do, I certainly wouldn’t say anything more than that, you don’t need to apologise for his jealousy over an unwanted pass.

RainySeptember · 02/09/2018 17:18

You haven't done anything wrong at all, so have nothing to explain or apologise for.

If you like being a part of this group you don't want to inadvertently make things any worse or more awkward so just keep doing what you're doing : keeping flirty guy at arms length and making it obvious you're not interested.

Eventually mutual friend will realise there's nothing going on and feel - quite rightly - like an absolute dick for jumping to conclusions and not talking to you directly.

sonjadog · 02/09/2018 17:19

Your friend fancies you and thinks you are interested in this other guy. Do you fancy your friend? Do you want there to be more than friendship between you? If so, message him and tell him that you and the other guy are not involved in any way and ask if he'd like to meet up.

longnight · 02/09/2018 17:32

I've sent him this in a text
Hi I heard that you and x had words when we went out and if he has insinuated that there is anything between me and him then he's totally wrong and I told him as such when he attempted to kiss me earlier in the night. If I'm wrong about this then so be it but I'm really disappointed you don't value our friendship enough to talk to me about what ever the problem is just like we have talked alsorts through in the past.

He hasn't replied yet but I'm not sure if I expect him to now.

As for wanting more then friendship I'm not sure I came out of a bad relationship nearly 2 years ago and have been trying to work through issues it left me with as I have gone from one bad relationship to another and it's not a pattern I want to keep following. My last one left my self esteem on the floor and I'm only just starting to build it back up. Me telling the flirty guy to not try to kiss me again is the most assertive I've ever been with a man.

I won't lie my friend is attractive and lots of women do flirt with him but he never seems to notice and just takes it as them being friendly. He's been single for a few years now and his sister my friend has made fun of him because of it as he never gets past a 3rd date on the few dates he has. He says it's because he is waiting for the right person to come along. I've never thought of him as someone to have a relationship with as he started out as my friends older brother who then became my friend.

OP posts:
Catlady35 · 02/09/2018 17:36

I think you need to be a lot more assertive with both men.
Tell “flirty guy” that he is harassing you and he needs to back off immediately.
Tell your old friend that if he has a problem he needs to speak to you instead of sulking like a child. Think about it, if he’d actually spoken to you that night there wouldn’t be an issue. He would have heard your side of the story instead of listening to lies from the other guy.

I wouldn’t want a relationship with a man who couldn’t stand me talking to other men, but if you decide to get together with your friend please watch out for him wanting to control a lot more things about you.

Catlady35 · 02/09/2018 17:38

Cross posted with you. You’ve already told him to talk to you properly, well done! Keep being assertive and you’ll be less likely to get into bad relationships.

longnight · 02/09/2018 17:47

Thank you cat lady. It's taken so long to get this far I'm still unsure when I'm putting in acceptable boundaries or not.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 02/09/2018 17:55

When did you send him that message? I think it’s a good one.

longnight · 02/09/2018 18:02

Thank you I sent it just before I posted it up asking if it was ok. I didn't really want to ask anyone from the group about the situation or how to sort it as I don't want to risk making things more awkward then what they seem to be at the minute.

OP posts:
Musti · 02/09/2018 19:13

They both sound like idiots. You've done nothing wrong.

sonjadog · 02/09/2018 20:06

I would leave it up to him now. Hopefully he’ll answer your message soon.

longnight · 02/09/2018 20:28

He messaged just before 8 but I was sorting kids and bedtimes out. He's said he's sorry and he shouldn't have treat me like he has and he wants to come round tonight and talk to me about it. I do want this sorted but if I message and say sure and listen to what he says now am I being a mug?

OP posts:
Fadingawayagain · 02/09/2018 20:35

No you aren’t being a mug, he may have just been jealous and not knowing if you felt the same way so didn’t know how to act or approach it. You’ve made the first move let him make the next. If you’re interested in him (which sounds like you may be) hear him out.

RainySeptember · 02/09/2018 20:36

If he's your friend, and you want to stay friends, surely him popping round - as he usually would - to talk about it is exactly the right thing?

Just don't feel like you have to apologise or explain, and think about what you'll say if he declares undying love!

sonjadog · 02/09/2018 20:39

I don’t think you are being a mug. Him coming round to chat about it sounds like a good idea.

SpottingTheZebras · 02/09/2018 20:44

Why do you think you would be a mug?

I mean this nicely, but you all sound very young.

Musti · 02/09/2018 20:50

Coming round for a chat sounds like a good idea. May have to prepare yourself for him declaring his feelings for you though!

longnight · 02/09/2018 21:02

I'm not going I'm not 30s Blush I've had a few relationships from age 19 onwards and every one of them ended up with me being cheated on or abused and my last relationship was full of lies and me being treated like I was a crazy psycho when I questioned things. I've spent since then trying to change things. My self esteem had hit rock bottom and it's only recently it's started to change. So I'm still questioning myself I know I have a long way to go but I still have wobbles knowing if I can trust my judgement.

I have messaged and told him to come round once kids are in bed. I really want this sorted if not to get my friend back and to how it was but at least us talking and it not feel as awkward and as bad as it does.

I hope he doesn't do what a pp says and declares he loves me as I'm not sure how I would handle that. I haven't ever really thought of him that way and tbh I'm not sure how his sister would react. She's fallen out with a friend in the past as they made a pass at him.

OP posts:
longnight · 02/09/2018 21:05

That should be mid 30s Blush

OP posts:
SpottingTheZebras · 02/09/2018 21:38

I hope the chat goes well.

I imagine you sound young regarding relationships because you’ve had such awful experiences. It’s good that you realise this and what they have done to your self esteem - so many people don’t and just seem to keep repeating the mistakes. Keep your self esteem up because you really are worth it.

BewareOfDragons · 02/09/2018 21:48

Good luck with the conversation, OP.