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Original poster

How to split when he has nowhere to go

29 replies

Lifeistooshort83 · 02/09/2018 14:41

I want to split with DH, we have two DC ages 6 and 1. He's not a bad guy, does lots round the house very hands on with the kids but for many different reasons I just don't love him anymore.

The problem is if I asked him to leave he doesn't have anywhere to go, his family are 200 miles away, he has no friends and we can't afford for him to stay in a B and B. I'm a SAHM and we have joint finances, I sort all the bills etc out, I have no worries he'd leave me and the kids short of money but how do you split when he has nowhere to go?

I also have no where to go with the children and I wouldn't want to take them from their home anyway

I'm stuck

OP posts:
Rebecca36 · 02/09/2018 14:53

Put up with him, sleeping in spare room, until such time as you are in a position to split up. He doesn't sound dreadful & you could surely bear him as a house mate. He can't simply leave you and make himself homeless! Poor bloke (unless there's more to it than you are telling us).

Original poster
Lifeistooshort83 · 02/09/2018 15:01

Thank you for your reply. No I know he can't make himself homeless. He's not perfect, I didn't go into details of why I don't love him anymore as I was just really asking the question of how to split when he has nowhere to go. It was a stupid question really as there is no magic answer to that.

We argue a lot, and it's happening in front of the kids and I don't want that for them. He's moody and grumpy, the only thing he wants to do when the kids are in bed is play his PlayStation, I can't remember the last time we kissed or cuddled, there's no closeness anymore. we just see to the kids and the house and argue. I'm so fed up of it. He's a doer, so he'll do housework and helps look after the kids etc but does not carry any mental load, even down to if he's giving the kids their tea he asks me what he should give them. It's like having a third child.

I've been up and down for years as to whether to leave him, we haven't been the same since DD was born, we are more like a brother and sister who don't particularly like each other.

Anyway, sorry for the rant. I know there's no magic answer here. Just felt good to get it out

OP posts:
MinaPaws · 02/09/2018 15:09

I agree with PP. Tell him you want to split up and discuss the options with him. He'd need to be nearby if he;s so good with DC, as he'd want to be a primary carer and you really wouldn't want them or him to lose that.

Is there any chance at all that you giving him this kick up the backside will make him put more effort into life and into your relationship?

Ginger1982 · 02/09/2018 15:14

One could argue that why should he be the one to leave the house when it's you who wants to end the marriage, but I get that you're a SAHM and it would probably be more practical. Just have separate bedrooms.

SwordToFlamethrower · 02/09/2018 15:22

When my ex fiance and I split, he said he had nowhere to go. He said I had a responsibility as the kids father to help him out.
We had left our home in Manchester and I got a flat in Dorset, just big enough for me and the 2 kids.
I was quilted into taking him in on the promise he would look for a place. He didn't. He didn't pay me rent, food, bills, nothing. He even begged to sleep in my bed. Again I gave in.

Whenever I brought up moving, he got angry, said he was depressed and that I had a duty etc.

The cycle of control and abuse began again. He made me responsible for his welfare.

In the end I had to say "leave. If you're homeless then that's not my problem." It was very hard. He then went on to spend 6 months sofa surfing at his mates place. Let me tell you he had 100% more respect for his mate.

He eventually got his own place. Took him over a year. It was all control and bullying. He wanted me to take him back and took advantage of me over and over again.

If it's over then really make it over. Otherwise he may guilt you the way I was guilted.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 02/09/2018 15:22

People don't keep spare properties so that they have somewhere to move into when their relationship breaks down. They look for a property AFTER the relationship has broken down.

trustyourself · 02/09/2018 15:23

Watching as in similar situation

ems137 · 02/09/2018 15:26

Can't he get a room in a shared house? Why can't he move back to his family?

At the end of the day it's not your responsibility. Where did he live before you lived together?

Rebecca36 · 02/09/2018 16:19

Well the op did say his family was 200 miles away so that's not an option.

I can understand her not wanting to move out, depriving the children of their home as they are so young.

OP perhaps you could explain to your husband that you want to separate, no longer consider yourself and him to be a partnership and the only way to proceed atm is for you to be housemates. Therefore rowing with eachother is not on the cards, especially in front of the kids.

Set a few ground rules regarding chores, child care and personal space. Be calm at all times and keep friendly lines of communication open.

It may work until you are both in a better financial position. I do hope so and wish you luck.

SandyY2K · 02/09/2018 16:31

This is why many men are scared of marriage. SAHM earning nothing and he could be sofa surfing or back at mum and dad's ... while paying for a roof over your head.

The sensible thing to do would be to look for a job and find out childcare costs for the 1 year old and wraparound care for your older one.

He can then pay a portion of that and child support on top of it.

If he's constantly broke after paying your accomodation costs, bills and child support...How is he meant to live? Unless he's a very high earner he won't be able to fund 2 homes.

If he became unemployed what then... You need to start earning money and not being financially dependant on a man you no longer love.

These situations have an impact on MH all round...if he's off with depression (which would be no surprise) and not earning... How will you live?

I don't know if you own or rent ... but it won't be nice for the kids seeing him in a room in a shared house... it would be really cramped for them.

GingaNinja14 · 05/09/2018 16:19

I think it's daft for some to suggest you should live as housemates because i'm in the same position and i know i couldn't live with him as ex's. Yeah you may not have a relationship but i don't understand how that would stop arguments, if anything it would trigger them. It is hard because i'm thinking the same as you. I want it to end but can't, purely down to the fact he wouldn't have anywhere to go. Quite sad really.

Inniu · 05/09/2018 16:22

Do you own or rent? It your DH moves out presumably he will be giving you and the children a limited amount of support. Will you be able to get a job to cover your costs?

NotTheFordType · 05/09/2018 16:24

OP are you in owned or rented?

Onedayy · 05/09/2018 16:26

Most people who break up don’t have anywhere to go. They have to find somewhere when they split/separate/divorce.

thetigerthatcamefortea · 05/09/2018 16:28

I don’t understand why you are assuming he will move out?
I was unhappy, so I got a better job.
I then moved out, with 2 small children and rented a home near to my stbexh.
I didn’t expect him to move. (It was his house before we were married which played a part)

changedagain67 · 05/09/2018 16:31

Would he go? He may just refuse to move out.

AnyFucker · 05/09/2018 16:39

Are you going to get a job ?

averythinline · 05/09/2018 16:46

Is your current property owned/rented -
often splitting involves both parties moving if thats all that can be afforded...
Are you working? having a SAHP is usually a joint financial decision or you claim benefits as a lone parent but that will depend on the ages/needs of your children esp if the youngest is over 5..then you rent what you can afford...

I think whats hard is your current set up cant really continue if you want to split up if he does not earn enough to support 2 households... you will need to change your mindset on how your set up will be as a lone parent.... for many reasons that can still be better but you need to get to that point yourself...

ZenNudist · 05/09/2018 16:49

Step 1 you get a job. You cant expect him to support you not working if you split. Then you both look at reducing your circumstances to suppot 2 homes. That might be you both get smaller places. You will both need room for dc to stay.

It sounds like you do need to at least separate to get on track for a better life. That can start off as you sharing the house (take turns on the sofa or in thr spare room / kids room) but needs to formulate a strategy for how you are going to live apart.

You may take a hit to your standard of living and quality of life now but it will be worth it to not raise your dc in an unhappy home with parents that dont love each other.

Alternative mught be to seek counselling if your marriage is fixable.

crappyday2018 · 05/09/2018 16:51

Its a difficult situation all round. You can't move out as you don't work, and he can't afford to.
It would be easier to know if you own or rent. If you own, then why not get the house on the market and split any money? If you rent, then can you both downsize? I don't know why you would be stuck in the property you are in.
You need to work out what help you can get with tax credits/housing benefit to allow you to live as a single mother. Your STBXH should only have to pay you maintenance, he's not responsible for your bills.

AskMeHow · 05/09/2018 17:57

If you want him to move out you're going to have to help that along by bringing some money into the house so he can afford to rent somewhere new. It's not reasonable to expect to continue as a SAHM and have your ex pay all the bills.

50Running50 · 05/09/2018 18:04

So you're looking for a job now to replace his income?

SandyY2K · 05/09/2018 18:09

It's not reasonable to expect to continue as a SAHM and have your ex pay all the bills.

Bang on.

Musti · 05/09/2018 18:14

Look into getting back to work and seeing what you'd be entitled to from benefits.

Sarahani · 05/09/2018 18:14

Agree that finding a job would be my first step to separating. You can then look more reasonably at finances and see what the realistic options are.

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