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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband may be gay/Bi need advise!

38 replies

UnknownWoman1 · 02/09/2018 11:21

I am a married woman with one child married for a couple of years, I have dealt with cheating from my husband in the past and forgave him for it as I seen it as a one off and everyone deserves a second chance to become better. Recently our sex Life isn't the best.. so long story short I was on hubbys phone as he left it unlocked one night scrolling through his camera roll I found pictures of his private parts which was weird so my first instinct was to go through his messages, social media I found messages to women talking about sex and flirting obviously my heart sank but I decided to keep looking then I found a dating app messages to women then men.. shocked and hurt I decided to screenshot messages. Hubby sending pictures of his privates to men and asking for sexual hookups lets just say more men were messaged then women, even writing this I'm crying. the messages of nudity pics dirty messages him even taking pictures in our bedroom of himself I feel sick I have confronted him and he denies it saying he was curious but the things I have seen and what I have read it's playing over and over In my mind and if he is bi or gay tell me. I am stuck I am going for divorce because I cannot stay in this fake marriage. I cannot talk to anyone as I'm ashamed who can I trust.. any advise would be appreciated

OP posts:
Dhal · 02/09/2018 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 02/09/2018 11:28

Oh god this is awful op , I truly feel for you. Well done for having the guts to put your respect first . Can you ask him to leave ?
I would get in touch with a solicitor first thing Monday (you can get free consultations with most) get a shark! Get all bank statements for all your accounts (yours and his ) marriage cert, mortgage statement , birth certificates and passports for you and your little one.

Second thing get yourself checked out for sti’s , I know it’s horrible to think about but you need to do this as you can’t trust what he says.

Can you reach out to any family? When I found out my partner cheated whilst pregnant my mum and dad were brilliant, it helps to have someone to vent too.

Finally block him on everything , if he wants to arrange visits with child ask a friend or family member to assist with this . Not hearing /seeing him will help speed up the healing process .

So sorry you’re going through this Flowersxxxx

RatRolyPoly · 02/09/2018 11:29

First of all this is NOT your fault. He certainly sounds bi-curious at least, but people aren't bi because of anything their wife has done. They also aren't horrible lying cheats because of anything their wife has done ; they can always choose not to be. ALWAYS.

Divorce sounds like exactly the right route for you, don't for one second be ashamed of that. Confidentiality in a couple of people to start with and I promise it will get easier. Don't carry this burden alone, you've done nothing wrong!

Failingat40 · 02/09/2018 11:34

It doesn't matter what he is if he Gay/Bi, all that matters is that he's a cheat!!

He's opened his body up to men and women and could be carrying diseases if he's actually meeting up for sex.

Did you send yourself screenshots of all his messages and filth?? I realise this must be an awful shock but he's absolutely disgusting and this would be the end for me.

The sad thing is this is likely to be just the tip of the iceberg.

Alaaya · 02/09/2018 11:38

I really feel the core issue here isn't whether he's interested in men. The core issue here is that he's cheating, and seems to do be doing so habitually over a long period of time. That is bad whether he's sending dick pics to men, or women, or lesser spotter geraniums.

Are you able to get out, just to clear your head? Take your DC and stay with family or a friend for the weekend, catch you breath and start working out the practicalities as this really doesn't seem like a situation you can live with.

Original poster
UnknownWoman1 · 02/09/2018 11:40

Hi hun the house we live in is council property and I have thought about that this happened a couple of days ago.. still in shock I haven't slept and because i myself and him are Asian Pakistani it plays a big role in him denying his sexuality as our culture looks down upon it. I have been calm as i am not judgmental I just want the truth so I can move on and be free from this. I have all the messages like a mad woman I have been re-reading them again and again I'm going nuts. I have gave him this week to leave I am currently sleeping in spare room as I cannot stand looking st him the lies and manipulation that comes from him makes my blood boil. And family I cannot as they will judge me and him i am too ashamed to tell anyone.

OP posts:
twiglet · 02/09/2018 11:40

@Dhal seriously???!!!! Angry not only is that post ignorant it's also verging on homophobic! News flash unprotected sex with anyone regardless of orientation risks STD potentially including HIV.

OP sorry to read this, I think you need to absorb and then sit down and speak to him about it again to find out what those curious thoughts were, how long he has been feeling like that etc that will be a very tough conversation but it needs to be had for yourself as much as him.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, your hubby has been either settling up or having affairs either way it's emotional. I would say though that he may have struggled internally with this for a very long time which is why he is still denying it.

CantankerousCamel · 02/09/2018 11:42

Good you’re in a council as you and the kids can stay in the house. You’ve got the proof so just calmly remind him that you can send the pictures to his mum/dad at the flash of a button and that he has 1 week to leave.

Mommybearx · 02/09/2018 11:44

Yeh it doesn’t seem like he was curious it seems like he has been cheating, and this relationship would never work now even if you tried, you would be nervous with him speaking not only to random females but now males too! I think it’s disgusting and disrespectful for him to not tell u if he is really gay or even bi when you got in a relationship. Divorce him and don’t look back. He’s disrespectful take whatever you can and don’t feel sorry for him- he made his bed so now he can lie in it.

Original poster
UnknownWoman1 · 02/09/2018 11:45

Thank you all for the replys😊 I am going to get myself tested this week for any sexual diseases I am scared but I hope I have nothing. I have been nothing but good to this man even right now I am trying to get him to tell me if he is bi/ gay as I will not judge I just want the truth so he can be who he is and I can move on and be a good mother to my child.. I have all the messages saved on my phone tbh I feel sick looking at them it took me a couple looks to realise this is my reality..

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 02/09/2018 11:46

@twiglet why should she be so bothered about his feeling and sit him down for a nice cozy chat when the fact of the matter is he never offered her the same courtesy, he likely has been having sex with others and in doing so has put her sexual health at risk.

Op don’t listen to this twaddle , kick him out ASAP! If you need someone to talk it through with due to cultural reasons you could maybe try the Samaritans ? Is there a friend that that you can trust ? I don’t think your dear mum would want you to go through this alone but you understand the dynamics between yourself and your mumabd whether she would be supportive . Sending you lots of hugs Brew xxxx

Mommybearx · 02/09/2018 11:46

I’m not Pakistani but Asian and I don’t think it’s as bad as you think. You have not done anything wrong! He has! People won’t judge you, and if they do they are pathetic and u don’t want them around you anyway. Out him for who he is, you have the proof. Atleast to your own immediate families.
Print things off and show them. It’s the only way you will be free of questions and people interfering and be left alone.

onetimeposter · 02/09/2018 11:48

Hiv is still much more common in the gay community. 1 in 8 gay men in london have the virus.
Ino cheating with a man is so much worse than with a woman. It is far far more secretive and shocking because what you think you know about them is total lies. Whereas a one night stand with a woman, you can justify as a drunk mistake.
Get your self checked and leave. Do not risk your health for this man. You dont know him at all.

Alaaya · 02/09/2018 11:49

Also, slightly shocked at some of the homophobia on this post.

Flowers for the OP. I am so sorry this has happened to you, but don't let some of the posters here get to you with their suggestions that you blackmail him and threaten to out him to his family, or listen to the talk to his sexuality being disgusting.

What matters is that he is not someone you can be with, so just work on getting you and your DC out of the situation and then working on a co parenting relationship that will work moving forward.

Original poster
UnknownWoman1 · 02/09/2018 11:51

@ twiglet I have sat down and spoken to him he outright denies it even cried I consoled him as I know the truth the way he has been messaging these men the way he has talked to them he seems experienced he even admitted to one guy he messaged he has had sex before and is bi curious. Saying he is not with me and we are separated. I have spent years with this man I just cannot believe it

OP posts:
Original poster
UnknownWoman1 · 02/09/2018 11:56

My parents are not here anymore so I don not really have a support system.. I cannot blackmail him I do not have it in my my heart is not set like that I just want to hear the truth from his mouth admitting he has an attraction towards men and file for divorce and go out separate ways.. he would harm himself if anyone ever found out I know I may sound silly caring about his wellbeing after finding out this. I have nothing against anyone who isn't straight I just cannot believe I got married to a man who has seemed straight literally no red flags until I went through his phone.

OP posts:
onetimeposter · 02/09/2018 12:01

I dont agree with outing him either, that is horrible. But to use you as a cover to go and fulfil his homosexual desires is unfair to the extreme, dishonest and disrespectful. Mind you a man having a heterosexual affair is equally disrespectful. However knowing he is gay he is wasting the best years of your life while he messes around deciding how he will fulfil that part of his identity. I do however think, given your cultural background, that he may have felt unable to come out. But that isnt your problem.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 02/09/2018 12:20

Be strong for your little one OP, you will get through this, be prepared to never receive the full truth from him. My ex still denies it to this day despite mountains of evidence that I latter found. I just think people that carry out betrayal are wired differently and have a very faulty moral compass settings that allow them to justify their lies in their own heads . Just know that you have found out what you needed to and you are still young to find happiness elsewhere . You sound strong . I am sure you will get through this being a credit to your little one xxxx

SandyY2K · 02/09/2018 12:26

@twiglet
News flash unprotected sex with anyone regardless of orientation risks STD potentially including HIV.

It's a known fact that the risks are much higher with homosexual males. This is why they cannot be blood donors and ate excluded as a group. It's neither ignorant or homophobic to state facts.

inlectorecumbit · 02/09/2018 12:28

I would be careful that he doesn't get a hold of your phone and delete these messages.
Is there anyone you could mail them too--??

Put a new password on your phone

Original poster
UnknownWoman1 · 02/09/2018 12:31

I will speak to him again today one last time and if he shuts down then he's off today.. he wants me To believe he signed up for this dating app for one day .. yeah sure! I just told him for your child's sake tell the truth do I not derserve the truth? I have literally been thinking was I not enough? What's wrong with me but I have shaken that off I know I derserve better and I am a good woman god is showing me he wasn't the one. I just want to thank you all for your replies may god bless you all x

OP posts:
Original poster
UnknownWoman1 · 02/09/2018 12:33

The messages I have saved somewhere safe also so even if he did get hold of my phone I have backup he thinks I'm going to blackmail him but I wouldn't I just need proof incase he doesn't want to divorce me, or leave the home so I need leverage just to scare him

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 02/09/2018 12:40

Please don’t think it is your fault people who cheat are usually defective . There is a reason why they constantly do it , they probably have a lack of empathy or just morality in general so he will more then likely treat the next person the same!

Here is a link to a study that actually made me feel better when finishing out my ex was a cheating Dickhead 🤮.

www.trustify.info/blog/infidelity-statistics-2017

Also look the screen shot around the statistic of 350%

Husband may be gay/Bi need advise!
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 02/09/2018 12:41

*finding out

HermioneWeasley · 02/09/2018 12:43

This is not your fault. Ask him to move out for a while so you have time and space to think. Think about what you want for you and your child.