Husband may be gay/Bi need advise!

[UnknownWoman1]

I am a married woman with one child married for a couple of years, I have dealt with cheating from my husband in the past and forgave him for it as I seen it as a one off and everyone deserves a second chance to become better. Recently our sex Life isn't the best.. so long story short I was on hubbys phone as he left it unlocked one night scrolling through his camera roll I found pictures of his private parts which was weird so my first instinct was to go through his messages, social media I found messages to women talking about sex and flirting obviously my heart sank but I decided to keep looking then I found a dating app messages to women then men.. shocked and hurt I decided to screenshot messages. Hubby sending pictures of his privates to men and asking for sexual hookups lets just say more men were messaged then women, even writing this I'm crying. the messages of nudity pics dirty messages him even taking pictures in our bedroom of himself I feel sick I have confronted him and he denies it saying he was curious but the things I have seen and what I have read it's playing over and over In my mind and if he is bi or gay tell me. I am stuck I am going for divorce because I cannot stay in this fake marriage. I cannot talk to anyone as I'm ashamed who can I trust.. any advise would be appreciated

Gay men can i believe donate blood now?

“1 in 17 gay men in the UK aged 15-59 is now living with HIV, rising to 1 in 8 in London. This compares to around 1 in 360 of the UK population as a whole. Over a quarter of gay men who were diagnosed in 2013 had probably acquired HIV in the past six months.2 However, 16% of gay men living with HIV remain undiagnosed.“

I can only imagine the risk increases further as risky behaviour increases, like the behaviour described in the OP.

If this was me it would be my biggest concern.

onetimeposter I believe they have to wait 3 months since they last had sex with a man and then be tested before they are able to donate.

www.blood.co.uk/news-and-campaigns/news-and-statements/blood-donation-rules-have-changed/

Risky behaviour increases when sexual behaviour is underground and hidden. The thrill of secrets encourages batebacking and other promiscous activity often not experienced in committed relationships.

You people are aware that for gay and bisexual men in communities where they would be at risk if they came out, they aren't likely to be motivated by "the thrill of secrets".

They are motivated by the fear of exclusion, of social isolation, of the real risk of violence. Most would desperately prefer to be honest and open but are afraid of what we would happen, with good reason.

I am NOT saying the OP shouldn't be upset. She should leave and find a relationship which works for her. I am suggesting that people don't throw around hurtful and homophobic comments which create appalling stereotypes.

Not sure why my original post was deleted tbh.

True about fear. It must be very hard, but it still isnt fair on op.
It is interesting that you dont hear about lesbians having affairs with women while married. Perhaps there is less stigma about female homosexuality?

@SandyY2K 54% of HIV diagnosis in 2016 were gay or bisexual meaning 48% were not so yes although it is a possibility and historically a higher risk its actually a possibility for anyone and the stats aren't too dissimilar. Therefore making a statement that because they maybe bi/gay automatically means that the OP may get HIV is homophobic imo.

OP I detest cheating I didn't know you had sat him down other than to say you confronted him. The point I was trying to get to was if he had opened up then it would be clear that it's not you or anything you have done or done differently. It's also important for your mental health to know this.
The other point I was making wasn't to be sympathetic to him for cheating or planning on cheating but if he is gay then he needs to accept it for his mental health (which is important for your child to have a healthy father regardless).

Please look after yourself and do what's best for you with support around you.

@ Twiglet thank you for your kind words I will get tested tomorrow and let him be in denial I have tried to get the truth but if he doesn't want to be open I cannot do anymore.
I'm just tired and sick of overthinking i never thought I would be in this situation now that I am, I'm a mess. As long as he is a good father I'm happy x

@twiglet

You can always find stats to suit you.

I didnt say a gay man would definetly have HIV..but they are a high risk group. High enough to be excluded from national blood donation.

It's not homophobic to fear for your sexual health if your husband is bi or gay.

We'll agree to differ on that point.

Ok, the 2016 stats supersede the 2013 stats as far as HIV goes. The important thing to note is that there are still so many people living with HIV and not aware of it.

As far as being homophobic is concerned, well it is a fact that the anus has a thinner membrane than the vagina, so is more susceptible to small cuts/abrasions that allows easier acces for the virus. On that basis I would think that most people would agree that anal sex is more common between gay guys that heterosexuals?.

However, it is also a fact that the virus is incredibly difficult to catch, and needs the conditions to be just right. There are other STIs that are caught way more easily.

And lastly, the amount of hetero diagnoses increasing is due to the rise in divorce rate and a lot of older people thinking they would never be at risk and therefore no need to check when going into new relationships.

Sorry OP, perhaps not helpful for you. I would be more concerned that while you have tried to be open to discussion on what is going on, he still seems so much in denial. Perhaps he is still hoping you will “come round” but the continual lying would be the worst bit. I have seen couples work things out when one partner has been bi curious or a sex addict, but only when they were prepared to seek help.

To be honest my experience of friends dating is that all heterosexual men want anal sex now. It is so mainstream that it is as common as oral as far as I'm aware. So perhaps that has something to do with the rise of heterosexual transmission?

Please take your stats and debate to PM’s and just use the thread as support for Unknown