I get paranoid when he’s with his best friend HELP!!

[Forfuppsake]

Ok so I hate my DP’s best friend. I know hate is a strong word, but I hand on heart cannot stand the guy!!

He’s the biggest trouble making, attention seeking guy I’ve ever came across and I get totally paranoid when my DP is out drinking with him. It’s started to cause fights with us as I just want him to cut this guy off as I can see him for what he is. Although, I would NEVER EVER make him choose between us.

Here’s an example of the things best friend has done:

When me & DP were together about 6 months, DP was on a night out with him. They bumped into some girls - one of which DP knew from his gym (they were quite friendly, he would help her with diet plans etc as she had at one time been anorexic, he always showed me the texts and stuff and I was cool with it) Anyway, they left the place where they had bumped into the girls and went elsewhere but the said girl had then text DP to say she was having a party back at hers and did they want to go. DP said he really didn’t think it appropriate to go to a house full of girls while he had a girlfriend. So the friend gets hold of his phone and starts texting her, making out it was DP and writing things like “yea come pick me up then” “my friend says he’ll come if he gets a pussy pounding” I saw the texts and went ballistic at DP but he swore it wasn’t him that sent them. I think for someone to do that from a friends phone when he has a girlfriend is wrong on so many levels! I mean he didn’t even care about the consequences it would have for DP if I saw (which I did) those texts

Another thing he does is constantly start fights when him and DP are out drinking. A couple of christmas’ ago they had went to Edinburgh for an Xmas night out. I got a text from DP at 4:30am telling me he had been in a fight and had broken 2 bouncers noses so may and up being arrested as the police had been called. Turns out best friend had started a fight with a guy while DP was at the toilet and was chucked out. When DP returned he was told by one of the bar staff that his friend had been chucked out. When he went outside there were 3 bouncers laying into bestfriend really bad. DP obviously tried to help his friend, he is very strong and he punched a couple of the bouncers and broke their noses. They all then had to go to hospital as best friend was in a bit of a mess and when they got there the police were already there with the bouncers. Luckily he never got arrested though. Literally every time they go out together this guy starts a fight with someone and DP has to intervene as the guy is a total wimp and only starts these fights as he knows DP will intervene. After the Xmas incident I said enough was enough and this was happening wayyyy to often. DP seemed to listen at this point and didn’t speak to the guy for about a year.

A few months ago best friend text DP about 2 in the morning saying “Why didn’t you like that girl I brough out that night” When I heard the phone going off I asked who was texting at that time in the morning. He said best friend. I asked what he wanted so slate at night so DP showed me the text and being honest, he did look confused. I asked what that was all about and he said he didn’t know and text best friend asking what he was talking about. Best friend text back the next day and said he was talking about some girl he had taken out one night, years before DP & I had even met!! Now this guy hates the fact DP has a girlfriend and he doesn’t so I really believe he sent that text knowing I’d be with DP at the time and it would cause a fight between us, as obviously I would wonder who “that girl” was he was referring to.

Now they are back in touch and going out regularly again. DP has been telling me some really concerning stuff lately about this guy and showing me some dodgy texts best friend has sent him. As I said before, friend hates the fact DP has a girlfriend and he doesn’t. A couple of months ago I found out I was pregnant and just after DP told BF, BF started acting really weird. He was sending DP all these texts saying he was really depressed and didn’t want to live anymore etc...etc... Although I don’t like the guy I was genuinely quite worried. Then he text DP one Saturday and said he had tried to kill himself twice that week. Said he had tried to hang himself, then he had taken pills to try and OD. DP was actually starting to become a bit suspicious of it by this time and didn’t really believe him as he hadn’t been sectioned and didn’t seem to be under the care of a psychiatrist. BF was still going out drinking etc. So, DP again tried to cut contact down a bit. He has been seeing him sometimes and best friend is now telling DP stuff like....he was abused as a child etc. DP just doesn’t know what to believe as he’s been friends with this guy for 20+ years and he has never told DP any of this.

The problem is now, I’m starting to get really paranoid when DP is seeing this guy as I’m scared he’s going to lead DP astray 😩 I don’t know if it’s jut pregnancy hormones getting the better of me. DP went out with him on Friday and we had a really big argument because of it. It actually made me feel like a bit of a control freak for being annoyed that he was going out with his best friend but I just think the guy is a wrong ‘un on so many levels!! We haven’t spoken since Friday.

So sorry for the long post. Am I being stupid in wanting him to stay away from this guy?

His friend sounds like an idiot but there's not really much you can do about your partner seeing him. Are there friends you do like? Maybe encourage making plans with them and with your own friends or family too so there's less free time to see him.

Hmm I would be suspicious. The examples you give could all be your bf and he is blaming his mate.

You can’t blame his friend for your bf’s actions eg fights, random parties, texts to women. Your bf is responsible for his own actions.

@promiseme yea, being honest that has crossed my mind.

if your dp is that easily led astray then hes just as bad. I think your dp is enjoying having someone else to take the blame for his own behaviour.

Sorry but i think you're using the friend as a convenient way of not facing the reality that your boyfriend is a laddish dickhead. The friend may be a dickhead too but he is not responsible for your dp's behaviour. The story about friend using dp's phone to send texts to these girls sounds like utter bollox. Getting into drunken fights is never excusable and always avoidable and the story about fighting with the bouncers sounds like bollox as too much of it doesn't add up. DP getting led astray, my arse. Stop treating him like an impressionable child, he's a womanising, drunken lout.

Total dickhead - your dp, that is.

DP's best friend of 20 years is depressed and suicidal? I think I'd judge your DP more harshly if he did just walk away.

Of course he's going to support his friend. He's known him a lot longer than he's known you. If a bf tried to tell me who I could be friends with he'd be gone.

It does sound like his friend is jealous - that he has a girlfriend, that his life is moving on, that the dynamic between them is changing. But that is for your bf to manage. He should shut his friend down if he says anything negative about you or your relationship.

Regarding being a bad influence : a lot of what you say just sounds like your bf is blaming his friend. He sent an inappropriate text to a girl. He broke a bouncer's nose.

I would suggest you like the fact that he's easily led and malleable when you are the one influencing him but don't like it when it's his friend. He needs to grow up a bit I think, start making some good choices of his own.

Your DP is complicit in all of this.

No one smashes their fist into someone else’s face without being totally responsible for that choice.

The claims that his friend sent texts from his phone sound like bullshit.

I’d hate to be dragged into that kind of alcohol-fuelled, violent world where your supposed partner is constantly meeting other women.

The issue lies with your DP. He assaulted 2 people and could have ended up with a criminal record.

If he's foolish enough to allow a friend to grab his phone and send those messages....(You didn't say he told the girl it wasn't him who sent them) then he's hardly got the maturity for this relationship and fatherhood.

After a year of cutting him off he goes back.

I don't believe that late night text and girl the best friend was with. He put on the confused look and got in touch with the friend to respond as he did the following day..after he'd spoken to him or sent a message and deleted it.

Why on earth would he text about a girl from a year ago...He must have had lots of other girls in that time by the sound of him.

Your DP knows you don't approve and he's been appeasing you.

Does this man have no family to deal with his suicidal issues? Is your DP a mental health professional?

Sorry but I'm not believing your OH.

I think you've got your head in the sand OP - sorry.
I think the BF is a convenient scape-goat for some pretty dodgy behaviour from your partner.
I'm not saying that the BF isn't a dick but your partner sounds just as bad and I wouldn't believe everything he tells you.

You sound very young op. How long have you been together? I guarantee he is blaming his mate rather than himself and he was likely texting those girls himself and got himself into a fight. You sound very naive to believe everything your dp is saying. He sounds like a typical jack the lad living the single life. Sorry I know because I dated someone like him when I was 20 and got pregnant and he blamed his brother for stuff turned out he basically been cheating on me and utilmately left me when ds was one for ow.

You have massively got your head in the sand OP. I agree you also sound very young

Your DP is his own person. He cannot be forced into doing something he doesn’t want to do. I used to have a friend who, whenever she was drunk on wine, she’d get OTT and start arguing with people in the pub. Do you know what I did? I walked away. It was her arguments not mine, she brought them on herself. I certainly wasn’t going to get myself involved. Your DP could’ve easily walked away from any fights his mate started but he CHOSE to swing his own punches.

I don’t doubt his mate sounds horrid, but your DP certainly isn’t innocent either and I think you should start wising up to that. He’s clearly blaming his mate for a lot of his behaviour because it makes it easier for him to get away with things. If his mate was that bad, and your DP truly disagreed with his behaviour, he’d distance himself from him. As for the girls, nah I’m sorry your DP isn’t innocent there either.

By all means blame his mate for his own actions. But don’t blame his mate for your partners actions. If my friends behaviour was causing problems in my relationship I’d tell them to stop

You don’t trust your DP. It’s clear from your post. It’s just easier for you to blame his mate than accept your partners shared responsibility. They both sound as bad as each other

You are very naive to believe this is all his friend doing. You are what company you give, two peas in a pod.

To answer the question yes you are being stupid.

He's an adult... why are you trying to micromanage him? Or is it only beneficial when you are able to get him to do what you want?

If after 20+ years he cannot see how "bad" this friend is then clearly it's not his friend who is influencing him.... everything you described sounds like things he did but when caught blamed his friend as he probably know you don't like him.

He sounds like a dick TBH. And I'd be LTB.

I could hear the rage in that post and I don't blame you. You're left in a pretty powerless position.

What can you do? All you can do is ask your DP if he wants to continue this kind of behaviour & you tell him it stresses you out, no end, so much so you're not sure if you can put up with it longterm ...

You can't blame his mate for the choices he makes.

He broke the noses of two men in a fight?

And the messages from his phone that his “mate sent”? Are they fifteen?

Yeah, this is all on the best mate. Your bloke sounds a total prince.

It's all the friends fault?

His friend grabbed his phone and sent lewd texts?

His friends starts fights and your Dp breaks people's noses while trying to split a fight up?

I have split loads of fights up in my time. Never broken anyone's nose.

You need to face up that your boyfriend isn't an innocent party in this.

Oh and I know people who have tried to kill themselves multiple time and not been sectioned. Not had I'm going care.

The system rarely works like it should. I find it quite disturbing that you don't believe he has mental health problems or was abused. All cause you don't like him.

@thatsfuckingshit

When did I say I didn’t believe that he’d dried to kill himself or had been abused? I said it was DP that didn’t know whether to believe him or not because what he was saying didn’t add up. I don’t know the guy well enough to pass any judgement on whether he did or didn’t.

I hope you have a supportive family because you are going to need their help to bring up this baby alone.

Oh and welcome to Mumsnet. There are some threads on the ante boards which you might find interesting. When are you due?

You have a dp problem. You can judge a person quite well by the company they keep.

How long have you been together? I thought 8 months but im probably reading the time line wrong.

The drinking, fighting and girl chasing for old times sake aside...

Your DP is having an affair with his mate 😂 Unfortunately, as far as your mate is concerned, you’re The Other Woman. He’s codependent and pissed off DP is growing up. Tell your DP to leave Peter Pan in neverland where he belongs. If he’s going to be a dad he needs to behave like an adult.

To me it sounds like your dp is blaming everything on his friend.

Your DP sounds like a dick tbh. As an adult, he clearly needs to take responsibility for his own actions and stop blaiming others.
If he broke the noses of those bouncers, he's clearly violent. You don't do that by trying to help someone in trouble.