Dealing with anger because my mum won't sort out her house?

[RubyN]

Ten years ago my mum started to re-do the kitchen (with my help) and she never finished this project. Before this, she left the living room area lying half done for about three years and my then boyfriend used to make light jokes about the fact it was still unfinished. Honestly it really embarrassed me.

I made up excuses to not bring my recent boyfriend home because I was so painfully embarrassed by the state of the kitchen. A relative actually confronted her two years ago, asking why she never reciprocates coffee/tea visits - this is clearly why.

But I feel this overwhelming anger about how selfish I feel she is being. All I want is for her to have a semi-presentable home that I can bring my partner home to - and maybe some grand-children in the future!

Two years ago we went to a kitchen designer and made some headway that was never followed through on. Two weeks ago I accompanied her to a different kitchen design planner, who sent her plan back last weekend. I spent several hours helping her pick things out and looking at costs for each part etc. She said she'd respond to the next part of the plan a couple of days ago but she's done nothing & now I'm worried she's going to abandon it all over again!

I also feel overwhelmingly sad when I hear about friends casually taking their partners home for Sunday dinner when I feel I never can. I feel she's deeply selfish, even though I think she must have mental health issues to continue like this. What can I do?

OMG.... how entitled and self centered can you be...
I hope my children don’t turn out to be that way....

So - your mother is inconveniencing your relationships because you can’t bring them home to her for Sunday dinners? While other kids get to???

Seriously. Grow up and stop being this self-centred and demanding of your mother. She doesn’t owe you to have a kitchen that you don’t feel ashamed at.

For what it’s worth - your mom is probably slightly down and the kitchen protect seems like too much.
If you want to be a good daughter - rather than criticise her - take her out to cheer her up, and take over some of the project - if it’s this important to you.
Or, just let the kitchen be as it is. If it’s functional and not a safety hazard - your mom has a right to have it as she wants it.

Who has suggested these visits to kitchen designers - you or her?

Invite her to your house to meet your boyfriends. Or a restaurant. Or a pub.

She doesn’t owe you a particular standard of decor in her own home.

Angry and embarrassed are odd reactions.

My dd might have experienced frustration with me about my house, but she's always been very kind to me about it. Give your mother space. She'll get to it in her own time. In the meantime, take her out somewhere nice.

You're entitled to your opinion - but there's no way I'd have children and then leave the house in such a state. You have to understand that when I was growing up other children would make comments about my house. It was very difficult for me because I never felt I could invite them back and I think it's wrong for a child to have to feel that way.

I think she probably is down which is why I have offered to help her with the projects. If you must know I've helped her with a lot of other things recently, which she has appreciated. I said I could be available on several dates if she needed to get joiners in etc.

The fact I feel I can't bring my partner home to spend time in the family home I grew up in, when its easy for others, makes me feel upset. Every time I look at the state of the kitchen it's upsetting.

hammeringinmyhead - I brought it up and then she arranged the recent appointment. She said she wanted to get it all done by Christmas but seems unmotivated again.

My mother has also always been a functioning alcoholic - has a high powered job etc. So 'angry' and 'embarrassed' aren't odd feelings for someone like me at all.

Also AnneLovesGilbert - I do end up always just inviting them to restaurants etc but after a while it becomes the elephant in the room that I've never invited them back when their families invite me to spend time with them at their homes.

OP - your mother did what she could to survive and raise you...
You clearly have a high need to compare yourself to others - and that is not healthy.
Maybe it’s some childhood trauma you experienced.
But there are plenty of children who grew up with something that hurt them - bullying, having less nice clothes, more pimples, etc.
Eventually - as a grown up - it’s healthy to deal with that and let go.
You seem to be dwelling on it.

Others will always have what yo don’t. It’s not only Sunday dinners.
They will (and do) have better cars, houses, jobs....
You can’t live your life constantly comparing yourself to them.

Stop worrying about your mother’s kitchen. Find something in your life to occupy your attention.

Can't you just explain the situation to friends? That would sort out the elephant problem. I'm not sure I understand tho if you live with her or in your own place?

You remind me of the daughter of an old friend and neighbour of mine. This daughter whined at and bullied her mum just like you sound like you do with yours..
But it doesn't matter now, as my friend died because of her severe health problems - and probably a broken heart too at her daughters self-centredness.

Grow up, Buy your own place, and you may never feel embarrassed again.

I think you're being completely unreasonable.

What your mother does/does not do with her OWN HOME is her business. She can paint it all black and dance around in with waving glow sticks if the mood takes her.

It seems you have issues with how others will perceive you if they see your mothers half done projects. I suggest you address this if you wish to achieve happiness in life.

If someone wished to judge me (or indeed my mother!) based on her home then I quite simply wouldn't have time for them.

My mother has also always been a functioning alcoholic

This is the issue to be faced - not the kitchen.

Angry and embarrassed totally valid feelings.

However YOU cannot cure it, control it and did not cause it, but you can get help to deal with your frustration and shame thru councelling or Al non.

Your mother wants you to stop nagging. She’s appeasing you and saying she wants it all done by Christmas but doesn’t. She says it to shut you up.
Entirely her business how she keeps her home.

buckingfrolicks - I am living with her for one month before I start a new job and move. She said that if I came to stay with here for a few weeks period, she wanted to use that time to help her with projects, asked if I could be there for joiners arriving etc. But none of that has happened.

My relationship recently ended, but I was consistently welcomed round to his parents house and eventually felt rubbish about the fact I felt I couldn't reciprocate. As I say, my mother never invites anyone round anymore (she used to) so she's clearly embarrassed about the situation herself. My friends all come from families where this isn't an issue, so I find it a difficult topic to broach.

She doesn't want the house done up. Tough shit if you don't like it, it's her house.

I agree with another20 that this is about more than the kitchen. Have you ever contacted AlAnon or looked for any support as the child of a functioning alcoholic? Perhaps this would be the time to look for that support for yourself.

Tbh if your partner is nice and would like to meet your mum, just take them home.

In the meantime, lay plans to move out asap.

My mum has undiagnosed mental health issues, likely OCD and is a hoarder. My parents house is a constant shit tip. I do understand your feelings OP. But even I think you're being unreasonable in your attitude towards your mum.

It's her house. If you don't like it, you don't have to live there. I too understand the shame of not being able to invite people round to your parents. Honestly, I just got to the point with my DH that I told him the truth, he came around and that was that. Now he's used to it. If someone loves you, they will learn to cope with your mother and all her quirks. My kids go round there now and enjoy being there. Thankfully as she's gotten older she's cleared some space for the kids to play. But I don't dare take them upstairs.

I think you just need to let her get on with it. I really don't think others will judge you for it. I think it's really yourself doing that.

Ruby I think you're getting a hard time for no reason. YANBU to want to be able to have a welcoming space for yourself and your partner.

What I understand from your posts is that you had an unhappy childhood where you never felt able to welcome friends into your home (which is miserable for a child). I think parents absolutely should make a loving cosy home for their families and it's shit for the children if this doesn't happen. I also think you've had a tough time coping with a functioning alcoholic for a parent.

I totally get why this is upsetting for you. I guess your choices now are either to take control of the house (is your dad around? it sounds like he isn't) and get the work done or to resign yourself to the fact that your mum is unable or unwilling to manage - this has gone on for 10+ years - and accept that she will never provide you with the home you wanted.

OP, I'm sorry but you're overreacting.

I grew up in a messy home that I was massively embarrassed about but you know what, it was a happy home filled with love and I understand that my parents were too busy working their asses off for my siblings and myself to keep the house spotless.

It's the people that are important - not the house.

I take my husband back to my family home and even though it's sometimes a bit embarrassing, I don't try to make my parents feel bad, nor do I get angry. It's THEIR house.

Op, I imagine if you are grown up, your mum is probably late 40s? You say she has a high powered job, which I know is exhausting at that age, plus she is “a functioning alcoholic” which means what, she has a couple of glasses of wine a night after work, which, ok, adds up to too many units a week.
So she’s working full time, probably commuting, drinking to unwind after work. Has it occurred to you she is tired and at full stretch. When she gets home, she wants to relax, not fuss about a kitchen. Maybe she is lonely and saw a way to be less lonely while helping you out.
She’s offered you a home while you transition to a new job and in return you grumble about her kitchen.
I grew up in a grotty house and I never invited anyone home because I was embarrassed too. But you get over it. I can only imagine you are very young.
You could try being kinder & more understanding. Give your mum a break,

Fixing up a kitchen or a bathroom is massively expensive. I’ve met many a person who don’t realize this, remove cupboard doors (breaking bits and bobs along the way) then realize they can’t afford the work.

'Functioning alcoholic' does not mean a couple of glasses of wine every night after work!

My H was a functioning alcoholic for a very long time, until he stopped functioning - he was on about 140 units a week that I knew of and I recently found out he drank heavily at work as well, so considerably more than that. If that is OP's mum then the focus should be on that, not the unfinished home decorating projects.

OP, you need to speak to Al-Anon and get support - your feelings and your need to compare yourself to other people and their parents are not healthy for you. You need to learn that your mum has as much right to take bad decisions as any other human being and that you can't control that. My mum is an alcoholic too - we are currently very low contact because of the way she is and it's sad. But it's the only way for me and Dsis to keep our sanity.

plus she is “a functioning alcoholic” which means what, she has a couple of glasses of wine a night after work, which, ok, adds up to too many units a week. Oh no, that is not what it means.

What it means is that OPs mum is a lovely woman, to the outside world. Probably a 'doer' a go to person at work, possibly a good job too. Not someone anyone would think of as having any issues at all.

At home she was probably always flaky, unreliable, stole OPs childhood, making her take responsibility for much around the house, covering for her, being embarrassed, isolated by her actions... forcing her to be complicit in any number of lies to hide the alcoholism.

She may have drunk prodigious amounts, amounts yu cannot conceive any human could consume and survive... that would have grown over time taking more and more money from the household, time from the family, love from the OP.

It is impossible to describe to anyone who has not lived with a functioning alcoholic just how different they are indoors, out of the public spotlight, but trust those of us who have, it is nightmarish and forces you into all sorts of weirdly contorted behaviours.

You can end up making nonsensical contracts with yourself - so OP may be thinking "Get the kitchen fixed, show me you are capable and can do something for me, show me you love me" - or something similar. Getting the kitchen done comes to mean more than simply getting the units changed.

Why don't you get the paint brushes out? Why don't you help make the best of the situation. You say you started to 'help' in the beginning, was this poking and pressuring her to do it? As a PP has said, if your new bf is a decent bloke, he won't care how your mother's house is.