Dealing with anger because my mum won't sort out her house?

[RubyN]

Ten years ago my mum started to re-do the kitchen (with my help) and she never finished this project. Before this, she left the living room area lying half done for about three years and my then boyfriend used to make light jokes about the fact it was still unfinished. Honestly it really embarrassed me.

I made up excuses to not bring my recent boyfriend home because I was so painfully embarrassed by the state of the kitchen. A relative actually confronted her two years ago, asking why she never reciprocates coffee/tea visits - this is clearly why.

But I feel this overwhelming anger about how selfish I feel she is being. All I want is for her to have a semi-presentable home that I can bring my partner home to - and maybe some grand-children in the future!

Two years ago we went to a kitchen designer and made some headway that was never followed through on. Two weeks ago I accompanied her to a different kitchen design planner, who sent her plan back last weekend. I spent several hours helping her pick things out and looking at costs for each part etc. She said she'd respond to the next part of the plan a couple of days ago but she's done nothing & now I'm worried she's going to abandon it all over again!

I also feel overwhelmingly sad when I hear about friends casually taking their partners home for Sunday dinner when I feel I never can. I feel she's deeply selfish, even though I think she must have mental health issues to continue like this. What can I do?

Are you hurting from the break-up of the relationship and blaming it on your DM?

ACOA (adult children of alcoholics) carry a great deal of shame, fear, obligation and guilt - that impacts their relationships negatively.

You don't need to carry any of these feelings - you don't own them, it was not a situation you created.

Be open and honest with your friends and BFs - sunlight is the greatest disinfectant - "Mum is lovely (if she is) but struggles with MH/addiction so the house is chaotic but she is warm and hospitable (if she is)".

Take away the burden of shame by telling the truth - it is very liberating and real friends will be understanding, compassionate and non judgemental. You may need the help of Al Anon to give you the support and confidence to get you to this place.

All of that is great advice.

I completely understand where you are coming from - it is the sense of belonging and having an anchor to return to, and rely upon, that is at the heart of the matter here.

My mum is a hoarder and lives in filth, pretty much near what you would see on TV programmes like OCD cleaners. This means I could never bring friends home. This means if I need a shoulder to cry on, or a casual cup of tea on the way home to my own house, I don't have that. This isn't being self centred, OTT, demanding or any of the other things that you have been accused of being. This is about not having a base. The removal of your mum's home as base for you is actually akin to the removal of your mum as a source of general "mum-ness" for want of a better word. You want a mum who is there for you, but her mental health is stopping her finishing these projects and stopping her being there for you.

I don't know what the answer is. I spent my teenage years cleaning up our family home only for it to be ruined with pizza boxes, clothes, bin bags, everything, all over the floor. Home life was chaos and it's continued some 16 years after I moved and my siblings moved out.

From your post it looks like you live there too. You don't say how old you are but really, you need to be looking at work options and moving out at some point fairly soon. Unfortunately I can say from experience there is very little hope of change.

Sunflower you are absolutely correct - a parent with MH and/or addiction issues is distracted, preoccupied and consumed by these issues - so they are therefore emotionally absent and/or negligent to various extents depending on the depth of issue.....and may not be even capable providing basic food/housing standards. As you have experienced dealing with the symptoms (messy house) and not the cause gets nowhere. Only the DM can address her own issues - DD needs to "see" the big picture, accept it, protect herself emotionally and look to explore and heal the damage that being the COA has caused in herself.

They are easy words to write but can take a lifetime to get to if ever. OP needs to seek support to get there rather than live a life of futile frustration and blame which will have a draining and negative impact on her own life and relationships.

I think this is bang on the money - "You can end up making nonsensical contracts with yourself - so OP may be thinking "Get the kitchen fixed, show me you are capable and can do something for me, show me you love me" - or something similar. Getting the kitchen done comes to mean more than simply getting the units changed."

I tried one more time today to ask if she'd done any more about it and she said no. I said 'you aren't going to are you.' Her. defensively, 'why would you say that? Why: because she never does and never has.

It is very helpful for me just to hear from those of you that have been in similar situations. As you say, it's about having an anchor, a genuine home to come back too. forumdonkey, at this point the repair goes beyond getting the paint brushes out. I helped her strip all of the walls but she needs plastering done now. I said I could be available on X, Y and Z days to help and she said 'great! so helpful.' but never took me up on it.

It's difficult to come to terms with it when you feel you're alone (as I always have, given I haven't been close to anyone else that has shared this problem). I'm moving out in two weeks thankfully.

You have to understand that when I was growing up other children would make comments about my house

I thought that immediately when I read your post OP. I think unless people have lived in that situation they don't understand the deep feeling of shame and embarassment a child feels. They don't understand that when you grow up a bit and get a partner he may think 'hold on, she comes round to my parents why aren't I ininvited to hers..?' & then draw the wrong conclusions.

It is what it is, children feel as they do, they see and know their mates have decent maintained family homes. I'm not surprised now grown up you're still angry and it's manifested in this way.

I do think you'll have to leave your mum to it tho. People set in their ways don't change.

So much of this stuff is in people's own heads

I couldn't give a stuff about people's kitchens or bathrooms or living accommodation. I don't believe many people would. It's all grist to the mill - people live differently and all that.

FWIW the most palatial house (they had peacocks and everything) with 80 acres of land ... The kitchen was a shit-tip. I didnt judge and nor would anyone I know.

Just relax. It's not a problem.

RubyN very tough time for you right now - but maybe it is now when you will start to investigate, process and heal what happened to you as a child through the neglect and/or abuse of an alcoholic parent.

There are many people who will have suffered as you have and finding out how they made sense of it and went on live their own fruitful lives will help move you on. You cant fix your DM's internal or external environment but seeking help and support to fix your own is important.

adultchildren.org/literature/laundry-list/
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I feel really bad for OP as I know that this reads as entitled but it’s not about that.

I really do get it and have always felt the same.

I had 2 parents who both worked and a big quite nice council house but one was an alcoholic and my family home was embarrassing. I was embarrassed of it my whole childhood and it held me back from doing what you do with friends - sleepovers and parties and dinners. It was a joke with my friends that no one came into my house

My dad is an alcoholic and the money went there, neither of them cared about the living environment very much and it was always old, shabby, half finished - the garden was a pile of rubble for a decade.

When my dad left my mum she moved to a horrible flat that was 20 times worse, she then didn’t clean it for 5 years! There was cat piss all over it and like a Halloween house of horrors amount of spider webs

The way you feel is a symptom of feeling neglected as a child. It’s around how your mother did not make you feel as loved and as cared for, that she doesn’t care enough now to want to have a nice family environment for you all to enjoy

It is her house though and you can’t make her see it... do what I did and refuse to spend time in it. This certainly sorted my mother out when we just refused to visit and now it’s very presentable!