No sex please

[michella]

I realised yesterday I have zero desire for my dh. I really mean zero!
We had sex yesterday for the first time since our daughter was born 6 months ago.
I went throught the motions as I thought it would be too hurtful to reject him, but it did feel pretty horrible (not physically painful or anything)to have sex when not wanting to.
I am perfectly healthy, and the birth was not traumatic.
I just don't seem to have any sexual feelings at all anymore.
Is this normal after having kids?
We have two aged 3, and 6m. Me and dh never did have a great time in that department but this is an all time low!
I feel like I could happily live without sex but I am not sure my dh could.I have not discussed it with him as his self esteem is not great and I am not sure what there is to say.
Hope this posting does not offend anyone. I could use some opinions.
Thanks

Hi there, this was discussed recently on another thread which should be here It should reassure you that you're not alone!

www and Michella,I have just read this thread and was going to recommend the same thing!

I am in the same position as you michella, my 'on/off' switch is most certainly in the off position. I have to say that I do generally enjoy sex on the rare occasions that it happens but it has to be on my terms and I very rarely instigate it. I once told DH that I felt like I had been raped because he had wanted sex and I hadn't.

I don't think we are alone though, the other mums at the toddler group I go to regularly discuss excuses but I don't know if they reject their partners to the same extent.

oooh, I'm a bit sad,coming back to check for replies after half an hour, and there are some!
Thank you all.
I read that other thread, there was lots of good stuff there.
My problem is I don't even want to want to if you know what I mean. If there was a pill I could take to make me fancy my dh (I think there is one!) I would not want to take it.
Just seems like a messy faff whan I'd rather be sleeping or watching telly.
What I desire above all at the moment is time on my own to sleep loads.
Maybe I am depressed, although I don't feel sad as such.
Sorry, I'm rambling now

Michaela

Sorry if the following is too personal but do you have no feelings at all for DH or is it just the sex?

Would you prefer cuddling up with him in bed and cuddling till you fell asleep or can't you bear him touching you?

Simon, not too personal at all.
No it probably is not just the sex.
I feel like I have gone off him in general - don't even want him to cuddle me. In fact I sleep in a different bedroom with the baby.
Oh dear, when you write this stuff down it's not looking good

Michella

On one of the other threads I noticed someone mentioning that they were totally 'touched out' by the time that their partners got home and the last thing they wanted was to be hugged let alone have sex.

I know that my DW was very tired after having DD for some weeks and did just want to sleep and not get frisky. It got better over time and she now loves being cuddled. Maybe it is just that.

Sorry if I'm not being too much help but I'm still trying to work out how womens minds work and I have this horrible feeling I'm going to be learning for the rest of my life.

I think it is a lot to do with the way a man treats his wife and not just the wife's feelings. If a woman feels that she is there purely to do the housework, look after the kids and run round after hubby, it is no wonder that she has no passion for him. I think that most women need to feel loved and appreciated before they want sex, if there isn't a certain amount of respect for the woman and her feelings then sex is meaningless, its certainly not 'making love'.

michella, you are probably just knackered, and its not unusual to want time by yourself when you have 2 young children. Try not to worry about it too much and do as many nice pampering things for yourself as you can fit in.

If you can afford it, try going for a massage. It might start making you feel more 'in touch with your body' and remind you that your body is yours, and there for your pleasure as well as everyone else's.

Sometimes when you've got children, sex can seem just one more demand after a demanding day.

Do you think cuddles from your dh will mean that he will want sex? Would you enjoy it more if you absolutely knew that a foot rub/cuddles wouldn't lead to sex?

I sometimes get like this when we haven't 'done' it for ages. But then with a bit of massaging and a bit of effort on my part, I find that it is actually quite nice after all and worth the mess! Often you think you can manage quite well without sex, like you say, it is a faff and a mess, but when you've done it you realise how much closer you feel to your partner, it's an intimacy that cannot be replaced by anything else.

Here's a tip. If you imagine a fantasy, then keep thinking about it during the day, have a sensous bath, pamper yourself, by the time he gets home you will be more up for it. Trust me, once you've made the effort you will feel better for it!

I agree with the comments about tiredness.

One thing I've found is that as dd is often in our bed, I no longer see it as a place for sex, so we use the spare room.

It's very difficult to maintain any sort of intimacy with children around. Perhaps you might find it better to share your dh's bed at the weekend, just to get used to being with him again. This has been true for me as dh moved out of our room during a bout of bad hayfever. I also felt quite invaded by a lot of the birth process and it takes time to want to let someone near you again!

I also find that it helps to concentrate on why I fell in love with my dh in the first place. If I think about all his good points, and add in some great sex, I'm soon in the mood!

Good luck!

Well, I agree about the rather sleep!

I know it's easier said than done, but is there anyway you could spend time with dh without kids? Probably not a fancy dinner out but something relaxed like a pub lunch. Sometimes it helps to remember you like a person before you can feel passionate about them again. My dh snuck into town today to meet me for lunch and I did enjoy it!

hi michella
I am the same - well not exactly the same because I do have fantasies about dh and me but they never become reality... We too are sleeping apart - we do sometimes share a bed for a while before our son's first wake up call. He still wakes up loads at night even though he is 8 months old so I am constantly tired... and also constantly waking for his call. Our house is very chaotic and this creates a lot of stress between dh and I and this becomes a barrier to intimacy.. I know I'm not helping much but just to say that I can relate... Also for ages after the birth I had not sexual desire whatsoever... I do think it comes back - it's like a part of yourself which is temporarily put on hold and then comes back into focus.
Best wishes.
Genia

Michella it doesn't really sound like your DH you've gone off (ie you don't mention going around fancying other blokes!!!). Its more the intimacy, physical relationship thing in general. Were you like this after your first child?

To be honest we were a lot like this wihen DS was 6 mo - I was very tired after 10 months of disturbed sleep ( including late pregnancy). But the good news is that things have improved over the past couple of months (DS is 17 mo). I find to talk up sex during the day works well because we tend not to be spontaneous due to tiredness. I think at that point we were having sex 1/2 x a month and now its 1/2 x a week.

I think maybe you're being a bit hard on yourself and time may help.

hi there, michella i feel the same way,i just dont have the desire for it.he is always making comments about it,and i always have an excuse,but i think im running out of them.i have 3 children ,2,7,10.when he makes them comments that really turns me off.i dont no if it is him or me.we haven't had sex in over 3 months,and im doing fine with out it, but he is not.i dont know if this is hurting our relationship.we have been together for 15 years.is there any help out there?

Michella I feel the same. I have zero desire for dh also, but (this is going to sound horrible) if, say, Brad Pitt walked past, I'm absolutely certain I wouldn't have a problem locating my sex drive again. I don't know what it is but I've lost my desire for dh but still have it when it comes to seeing other attractive men. HAVING SAID THAT, I'm not about to act on it, but I just feel sad that it's gotten to the point of 'no desire'. I feel as though it's not fair to either of us.

We've had a lot of ups and downs in the relationship and now we have a 3 year old son, so I think over time, something gets lost along the way. He's a bit slack in the housework department and I get sick of being the primary caretaker for ds, but he is quite good to me in other ways and tells me he loves me regularly, so I wish in a way that I could get it back. But it feels as though we have more of a 'friendship' now, which is why I find the idea of sex with him unappealing. You're definitely not alone, I just don't know why it happens to so many of us and I don't know if there's any way to fix it. I don't have high hopes that anything's going to change in the near future, so I will probably just keep 'doing it' just to keep the peace in our relationship. Sorry, not much constructive advice.

Hi Michella, loads of really good advice here (wish I'd had mumsnet after having my dd and ds!). It's a difficult situation because it's so hard to talk about it with your dh in the right way - i.e. without making you or him feel bad and turning the whole thing into a huge issue, which in turn puts more pressure on and makes the problem worse. However, if you don't talk about it, you could end up bottling it up and getting resentful - it's a real catch 22. If it's at all possible, try not to pressure yourself to feel you should be having sex with him, take the focus off sex and shift it onto improving other aspects of your relationship instead. As everyone else has said, it's so difficult when you've got a toddler and a baby to care for because you're so damn tired! And that's probably why you've gone off sex, but I know from my experience that I worried and worried and worried that it meant I didn't love him any more etc, and this made the problem much worse. It's hard to make time for yourself and each other in your situation, but it's crucial that you do so, even if it's only half an hour here and there. If you can leave the children with a friend or relative for an evening, do go out and do something you and dh like - a meal, the cinema, the theatre - things you used to do before the children came along. In other words, make time for some fun for yourself and each other - it's crucial not only for you personally but for the health of your relationship (learned this the hard way!).

I haven't had any sexual feelings for p since I was pregnant with my 1st dd 8 years ago. I also wonder if this is normal. I do fancy other men slightly from time to time.We have sex about 3 times a year or I will give him some mercy-masturbation. It's a pity, but c'est la vie. Maybe when we're less caught up with small children we'll be able to work it out.

Personally, I think 6 months after having a baby is still rather postnatal. I would give it more time.
My desire has gradually returned, but it never surfaces until DH gets it going, IYKWIM. Until then, I'd rather read a book.

Michella - my ds is nearly 2. My dp and I only ever have sex when we're drunk!!!!
We sleep in separate rooms most of the time coz ds doesn't sleep very well.
You are not alone and it certainly isn't unusual. I don't fancy dp AT ALL!

Maybe it'll come back, maybe it won't. I've no idea, but at the moment after a few drinks I'm raring to go!!

sorry to repeat myself there,but so you know you're not alone. One of the things for me is that it somehow feels shameful not to want sex anymore and nobody told me about it before I had the baby so maybe that's why I felt so alone. Have any of your friends had it happen to them? Not one of mine ever mentioned it so I always felt a bit of a freak and I put part of it down to the abuse I suffered as a child.Like the others I think you must be bloody exhausted with taking care of your little ones. People also say that if you're breastfeeding it may cut out your desire.I feel like less of a woman (whatever that is) because of my lack or that I'm seriously failing at a partnership and intimacy.I should think though that if you were able to talk about it with your dh it would help him to understand a bit more about what's going on with you.

I've had this too. Thought it was just me. I do love him loads and love cuddles and kisses. We find we're both tired. But weekends watching a video with the double sleeping bag on the floor downstairs is lovely!! Expecially with a drink like mum2toby!! It's brill when it happens but it's just the effort needed to start it off. All I want is my bed and sleep. So nice to know I'm not alone. I do agree that you should discuss it with him. We do talk and we both now know that it's a two way thing and lack of time really. Just need to make the time. However, if you really don't want to, don't do it to keep him happy!! It's not fair on you really.

As a recently married woman who hopes to have a child someday, I found the posts on this thread to be very disheartening. It reminds me of my first marriage where (before marriage even and w/out any kids involved) we had lost interest in each other physically. I think it had something to do with my partner believing that once he had me, he didn't have to do anything else. It just went downhill as a friendship from that point on. I didn't know what true cuddling, affection and positive, intimate loving sex was until I met my current dh.

I don't think a marriage/partnership could ever be happy unless both partners are willing to satisfy the most important emotional needs of the other. Most of us don't even know what those emotional needs are, however. And some of us aren't willing to satisfy them because we're too concerned about our own hurts and what they're not doing for US. The selfishness has to be put aside if you truly want a loving happy marriage. Also, there are things we do that annoy each other so much that the love just dissipates very quickly.

Most of this stuff makes complete sense, but I never thought it until I checked out a website called www.marriagebuilders.com. It's an American website, but these issues are cross-cultural. I highly recommend it for those who want to save their marriage. Just read the Basic Concepts section to start off and see what you think. It has helped us so much, so I feel compelled to share it with you. Thx for sharing your stories.

Skadi, I can't find that website. Could you put in a link please?