No sex please

[michella]

I realised yesterday I have zero desire for my dh. I really mean zero!
We had sex yesterday for the first time since our daughter was born 6 months ago.
I went throught the motions as I thought it would be too hurtful to reject him, but it did feel pretty horrible (not physically painful or anything)to have sex when not wanting to.
I am perfectly healthy, and the birth was not traumatic.
I just don't seem to have any sexual feelings at all anymore.
Is this normal after having kids?
We have two aged 3, and 6m. Me and dh never did have a great time in that department but this is an all time low!
I feel like I could happily live without sex but I am not sure my dh could.I have not discussed it with him as his self esteem is not great and I am not sure what there is to say.
Hope this posting does not offend anyone. I could use some opinions.
Thanks

[jac34]

I felt much the same after having my twin DS's, I was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
Even some time after DH and I had a very patchy sex life.
However, I did find it helped to talk to him about it.I wanted him to understand, that I still loved him, but was too knackered. I also wanted to cuddle up to him in bed, without him always wanting sex to come out of it.I found he felt much the same, and was missing the cuddles and closeness more than the sex.
Until about a year ago, the boys still, regularly came in our bed at night, so sex, was if and when, we could have it, we actually find we have some fun out whitting the kids. We recon they have special "Sex raidar", and seem to try to join us just at the wrong momment.
I think a good chat with DH is called for,but pick a time when your both relaxed, and try to stress how much you still love him, so he doesn't feel rejected.If you do get your point across, try moveing back into your bed, so that you can have a cuddle at least.
It is very early days though, so don't feel too dishartened.

[Skadi]

Nerdgirl, you couldn't be more correct! I can not find the server for www.marriagebuilders.com
either. They must be making some updates or something so I would encourage you to keep trying. I don't see how the website could just disappear seeing as there are so many people dependent on it. The have a forum as well that a mighty number of couples depend on for support. So, it will come back I'm sure. Don't give up.

[nerdgirl]

Just checked out the site Skadi. And I have to say I don't like the look of The Policy of Joint Agreement -

"Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse"

I think that one would drive me and my dh mad. We each have areas of autonomy or areas where one of us has more responsibility than the other.

I look after the joint finances, for example. Dh trusts me to do this and I don't have to run to him everytime I need to make a decision. I like that he trusts me. I think that it is important to our marriage. It also makes getting the job done a lot easier.

BTW, we are very happy, I was just curious about the site. I think that marriages, like families, are individual entities and don't lend themselves to broad generalisations.

[Skadi]

Nerdgirl,

hee hee That is always everyone's first impression of the policy of joint agreement. It applies differently to everyone's situation. It's not a generalisation of families or relationships, it's just a rule like the Golden Rule, for example. But obviously, it sounds like you're doing fine with your own relationship, so why bother looking? Others might find it more helpful, if nothing else to understand how love sometimes ebbs and flows and why. Sorry to hi-jack this thread.

[nerdgirl]

You're right Skadi, we are hijacking. Sorry guys.

I'd really like to discuss this though so I set up another thread. Would you be kind enough to accept my invitation?
Policy of Joint Agreement

[ZsaZsa]

The way is to find someone who is great at sex so that you can find fulfillment. dh is not person to provide this. In my country this is not so much a problem

[Skadi]

Yes, I'm sure our husbands would just LOVE us to go f* somebody else!!! Oh, they would be SO much happier knowing that we prefer to be intimate with others over them. And then our children would start to imagine what glories can be found in polygamy in marriage! Wow!!!! That just sounds like the PERFECT solution for everybody!!!

In these parts, it's called Oathbreaking.

[ZsaZsa]

oaths is not very nice in my country
if you is avin great sex this make you much nicer person

[ZsaZsa]

oaths is not very nice in my country
if you is avin great sex this make you much nicer person

[ZsaZsa]

but not twice as nice

[griffy]

Batters - I've spotted "Zsa Zsa" posting in several places, and 'she' (it) does not come from another country, but has landed from Planet Perv. Yes - ANOTHER one. How tedious. I'm sure that tech will have been alerted by now, and that "Zsa Zsa" will shortly cease to exist.

[steppemum]

michella, don't worry, I felt like that too for four months after ds was born. I just couldn't imagine ever wanting sex ever again, no desire at all. I remember on of the women in my NCT group saying she had made her dh wait until after the 6 weeks check and I was appalled, I mean at 6 weeks i couldn't have even begun to contemplate it! Now I have had a very easy time with my ds, good sleeper, breastfeeding going ok, and in the last month of so, my desire has come back, and our sex life has finally restarted. (also I had my first period last week. I wonder of there is a link between breastfeeding hormones which supress periods, and sxual desire). You have more on your plate with a toddler too. I think it is quite normal to still not feel anything, so give yourself time, don't start panicking yet!
Personally I like hugs and cuddles, whihc helped my dh not to feel abandoned, would that work for you?