Infidelity

[Steve42]

Can a relationship work after your partner has cheated ?

Why would you want it to? Don’t accept such crap, you deserve a life of happiness not of distrust. Look at it like this a couple of months of heartbreak vs a lifetime constantly looking over your shoulder . I know which one I would pick xxx

IME no, I watched friends try and fix things after affairs both short and long term, none of them are still together.

My self-esteem wouldn't allow me to stay with a cheat. You have one life.

I love my partner - I’ve always said that’s what we are “ a partnership “ we have 3 beautiful kids 18,16 and 11 I’ve always supported her with anything she wanted to try from acting to MMA , we have a really great relationship where we laugh together and enjoy each other’s company , we have date nights .... it’s pretty much perfection . Until October last year she became a little different , hardly noticeable but I noticed . I even brought it up but she said she was fine . A few more little things and by April this year I was worried . She’d been suffering depression and was enjoying her MMA training and her group went on the odd camping trip but I saw the pics and supported her even paying for the extra bits she needed . On the night before my birthday I came to bed and she was in bed talking to her sister on the home phone . She didn’t notice when midnight came and went and it was my birthday so I lay there starting to drift off when I noticed her look at me then sneak her mobile from under the blankets to start messaging . This happened a couple of times where she obviously thought I was asleep . I pretended to wake up wondering what time it was and grabbed her phone to see what time it was . On the screen was a days full of messages to her MMA instructor begging him to be honest about his feelings and how they love each other and how sex talk wasn’t existent anymore and planning there future . She couldn’t grab the phone bk quick enough but I’d already seen enough . She told me it was never sexual but that it was emotional and in that moment on my birthday my world was destroyed . We talked and discussed and tried again with her promise if she would never get in touch with him again . A couple of weeks later she had a problem with her phone and said she would take it into the shop , something didn’t seem right . I rang my son at home who said she went out early and wouldn’t be back all day . So I rang her , she turned it off ( in the shop possibly ? ) I rang the shop who didn’t know what I was talking about so I tracked the phone .... she was coming bk down the motorway from where he lived . I questioned it and she said she wasn’t meeting him she was at training but when I checked her phone there was a number from that day that was now blocked . I rang the number and it was him .
Now the twist .... he knew I was her ex but didn’t know we were together . He hadn’t a clue what she was doing and they had been together for a year . He admitted they had been sleeping together and I confronted her .

You deserve better. Leave her. She isn't worth the effort.

If she's not bothered about making the effort, she has already checked out of this relationship.

I'm sure there are people that have made it work. People's heads can be turned at any time and being with a partner that has not cheated is no guarantee that they will never do so. There's always a first time for someone to cheat.

The bottom line is she preferred to be with him than being content with what she already had at home. How does that make you feel?

I think it should tell you all you need to know and my advice would be to separate so you can show her actions have consequence. Give yourself the opportunity to meet someone else.

Being second best or the fall back option isn't an existence I would want tbh.

Get rid of this woman now. Cheating is the lowest of the low. She will not change and doesn’t deserve you.

She had the chance to stop but she didn't. I would end it because she clearly doesn't value your relationship enough or respect you.

Let her live the life she wants. The trust is gone.

I do not believe there is any going back from this. Either way you will suffer for a long time. Leaving, or letting her leave is the better option. It will never, ever be the same. You will never get the trust back. It's hard, and I'm sorry you are going through this, but in my opinion you need to end this. Wishing you all the best.

Maybe I’m deluding myself but we have had 20 years of bliss and when I say bliss I mean fairytale happy ! People have always said they’ve never seen a couple so great together ... is that not worth fighting for ? I always said I’d take a bullet for her and I meant it , is this not the bullet ? Should I throw away 21 years and a happy family for what she says is huge mistake ? I know your all thinking there must be a reason she did this ? But she doesn’t know , she said she realised there was something there and no one had ever turned her head so she wondered what it was and before she knew it it was to late . By that time she was stuck , not wanting me to find out and leave but not wanting to hurt him also . She knew if she didn’t keep in contact with him he’d turn up at the house and I’d find out so she kept meeting him . Over time it was more a friendship than a relationship but she never had any intention of leaving me . I asked was it the sex or the companionship he was better at and she says neither He didn’t compare to me in any way that’s why she knew she’d made a huge mistake following her curiousity . So here I am 2 months after finding out everything trying to make things work . She gets upset about what she’s done and even though it kills me she feels bad for him too. She says she hurt us both and we were both innocent , doesn’t make it any easier to hear . My confidence and heart have took a beating that I didn’t think was possible , and I try to hold it together so as not to upset her aswell as keep it from the family . Some times I forget for a second and I see the old her and we laugh and smile and enjoy each other’s company but sometimes a comment or picture will remind me of what’s happened and I fight with the poisonous thoughts in my head to keep things together . They say time heals but I wonder will it ? Will the thoughts dull with time ?

This is not a bullet or an accident this is something she willed to happen, for instance in the messages you read that we’re sent by her she was begging him to declare his true feelings for her , she was chasing him op.

When she says she was scared he would just turn up, How would he even know where she lived ? I’m sure she wouldn’t have brought him to your house so she is just lying to try and give a valid reason for her own selfish behaviour. She is manipulating you and trying to make it sound like she had no choice, she did and she done it over and over again for a year. She is only sorry now that she has been caught. Wake up op , this won’t get better . Sorry to be harsh but I don’t think you deserve to be wasting anymore of your life on someone who really doesn’t respect anyone , and could literally risk her family’s happiness for a fling.

Sorry mate your marriage wasn't bliss, sorry for the honest truth. Blissed up people don't go round shagging people especially after they get caught.

I asked was it the sex or the companionship he was better at and she says neither He didn’t compare to me in any way that’s why she knew she’d made a huge mistake following her curiousity that response would funny if it wasn't so tragic. Its not curiousity if you go and shag someone even after being rumbled.

How could you ever have sex with her again, when you know at least one other has been there?

My parents stayed together after my Dad had a long term affair. It was awful at times but they're still together 20 years on. Both partners have to want that though and be prepared to work through some really tough times.

By that time she was stuck , not wanting me to find out and leave but not wanting to hurt him also . She knew if she didn’t keep in contact with him he’d turn up at the house and I’d find out so she kept meeting him . Over time it was more a friendship than a relationship but she never had any intention of leaving me . I asked was it the sex or the companionship he was better at and she says neither He didn’t compare to me in any way that’s why she knew she’d made a huge mistake following her curiousity

The fact you have convinced yourself to believe this, because you want to, is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read.

Every word that comes from her mouth is a lie.

You gave her a chance after catching her the first time and she chose to continue seeing him.

If you want to be with her knowing she’s a liar and a cheat who doesn’t respect you then sure, go ahead. Just don’t delude yourself into what you’re signing up for.

I trawled the net after it happened to me and I saw that couples can rebuild after an affair but only if they both want it and are completely honest with each other. She has to relinquish her OM for this to happen and she will probably be upset having to do this. Can you cope with this?

99.9% of people say walk . She didn’t sleep with him after I found the messages she just met him to stop him coming here to see why she hadn’t been in touch . Either way I think people throw things away to easily now instead of trying to repair what you already have . I may be stupid , ignorant , deluded even but I have to try . True love is not giving up on her without a fight ,even if the fights with my own doubts . I just wondered if there was anyone that’s ever managed this ??

My parents stayed together for my brother and I (dad had a short affair with a co-worker) Now married 30+ years, both started drinking heavily once my brother and I had moved out, continue to this day because my mum has no love or respect for my dad at all and drinking allows them to tolerate each other - she stays for his pension but is utterly miserable.

My friend stayed with her cheating husband, seemed okay on the surface but as soon as their youngest went to university he left and went back to the woman he cheated with.

I know lots of people who have tried but it’s never the same.

Burying those triggers and thoughts will destroy you. Happily married people don’t have affairs - mistaken, drunk one night stands maybe but not affairs. I cheated on my ex husband, we looked ideal to the outside world, I was desperately unhappy but kept up appearances and then had an exit affair, we worked on it for a while but I left within 6 months of the affair.

@Steve42

Go look up John Gottman, his credentials and download his book (s). He has a website too. Also Dr Harley 'Marriagebuilders'. It might help you.

She does know why she cheated. Saying I don't know is a cop out. Did she find him so sexy she could not resist, was she bored, does she feel like she married too young? There will be reasons and she needs to tell you them all if you have any chance. I'd say this to her and let her mull it over.

'I don't know why I allowed a man other than my husband to have sex with me' is an absolute cop-out

You fighting for your marriage is very admirable, but it's not clear how much fighting your wife is doing. I think you are over-owning this, if your marriage has any chance, she is the one who needs to fight and work for it.

Don't confuse your wife feeling bad about what happened with her really wanting to do the work to commit to the marriage. Your view of your marriage was ...20 years of bliss and when I say bliss I mean fairytale happy... but it doesn't sound like she felt the same - she got bored with her "perfect life" and invented another persona, who went out and repeatedly f**ked another man, telling him she was single. Don't apologise for her - what she did was horrific and would have continued had you not found out.

What next ? Get some IC and consider a temporary separation until you can properly process this. If your wife wants to fight for this, she will make it clear.

Whatever happens your old marriage is over - don't kid yourself about that - the question is whether you can build something else.

Her explanation does not tie up with what the OM said. One or both of them are lying.

Why would she have to go and see him to stop him from turning up? Once you know the cat is out of the bag any threat of him turning up and exposing the affair is a spent threat. She's making out he would have made trouble for her if she broke up with him yet the message you caught her with was her pleading for confirmation of his feelings. He told you he thought you were separated. That would make me think she went to see him to stop him turning up because he didn't know there would be an irrate husband answering the door. I'd assume she didn't want her lover to find out she was a liar.

She's still lying. Probably to both of you.

Yes I believe if you really want it to work, it can do. But BOTH and especially the person who has cheated...

Don't confuse your wife feeling bad about what happened with her really wanting to do the work to commit to the marriage. Your view of your marriage was ...20 years of bliss and when I say bliss I mean fairytale happy... but it doesn't sound like she felt the same - she got bored with her "perfect life" and invented another persona, who went out and repeatedly fked another man, telling him she was single. Don't apologise for her - what she did was horrific and would have continued had you not found out

^^ this.

@Steve42 you came on here asking Can a relationship work after your partner has cheated ? and the populous response is No almost never, but if it has any chance there must be total honesty on both sides and both sides must want it 100%. There are inconsistencies in your DW stories, can you accept that? Your marriage wasn't bliss, she didn't notice your birthday, etc. You didn't notice your wife was out fucking other people.

Can you make your marriage work? Who knows, certainly nobody on here. Goodbye and good luck.

Can you fix this? Possibly, but it throws up so many more questions. Was he the only one? How many others before him. He's just the only one you caught. Are 'your' children yours? When will it happen again? With who? She has been dishonest for so long, how long? Only she knows. She feels sorry for both of you? She's only sorry because she got caught. Even now she is not telling the truth and lying by omission. You can stay together and try, but if it is you doing all the work and her just enjoying the attention, confident that you will do the pick me dance, I can't see that you will be happy in the long term.