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Original poster

Am I in the wrong here?

32 replies

jpuser · 31/08/2018 22:01

Hi all, I was hoping for some advice and perspective.

I have been with my girlfriend for over 6 months now. During the time I have been seeing her (and before) I have had a painting on my stairs that is really good but happened to be painted by my ex of 5 years who i broke up with at the start of last year (who I have a bit of an ongoing legal battle with).

A couple of weeks ago I decided to decorate a wall with about 50+ photos. In one of the photos I was in fancy dress and with my best friend, my ex also happened to be in that photo (not standing next to me and you wouldn't know was my ex unless you knew me).

My current girlfriend is super upset about this and accusing me of disrespecting her and now has decided she has a massive issue with the photo and the painting. I think its ridiculous, petty and jealousy. The painting for me is there as I love the painting (not because of who painted it) and the photo is funny as its fancy dress with my best friend.

I discussed it with her and apparently it is nothing because of jealously but she doesn't want reminding of my ex or the legal situation (which we don't really discuss at her request). Which I guess I can understand but don't agree should be an issue for her.

Do you think I am right in that this shouldn't be an issue or that I am being insensitive/disrespectful/big headed and should take it down? I know it sounds ridiculous (in my mind anyway) but I believe it is potentially at a level where she is now doubting our relationship over this, which really concerns me as to if we have bigger issues to get through in the future!

Thank you for any help in advance!

OP posts:

Original poster

jpuser · 01/09/2018 12:19

Anybody please?

OP posts:

WhyArePiratesCalledPirates · 01/09/2018 12:24

Shes being massibely unreasonable. If you had photos kissing your ex all over she would have a point. By nope. My advice would be run!

TurnipCake · 01/09/2018 12:27

I don't think either of you are necessarily in the 'wrong' here, but I guess if I had a partner with an ongoing legal issue with their ex, I'd find the painting thing a little bit strange.

I think its ridiculous, petty and jealousy

Did you say those things to her face or was it your internal voice?

MrsSteptoe · 01/09/2018 12:28

Is she much younger than you, OP? This is the sort of thing I might have made a fuss about when I was much younger, but now it just sounds a bit like she needs to grow up.

People have baggage. I have a bathroom cabinet made by my ex the cabinet maker. My husband now uses it in his bathroom, and the most contentious thing about it is that he doesn't keep it clean. If you're in a bit of a legal dingdong with the ex, I'm not sure I'd want to make much time to discuss it - selfishly, I think I'd probably regard it as your problem, although obviously it rather depends on the nature of the problem etc. - but to start getting oversensitive about a photograph and a painting sounds rather attention seeking to me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2018 12:28

Do you live together?

She’s being very dictatorial and controlling. Red flags.

We all have a past. She’s being incredibly immature. They’re your walls and your pictures. If she can’t deal with it then let her go.

How would you feel if she had a photo which her ex was in? If you’d be fine with it then just tell her you’re not discussing it.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 01/09/2018 12:32

She sounds very insecure. You need to think about how this will work in the long run, talk with her about why it is upsetting her so much, has her trust been broken before maybe.

You could run because it all sounds like hard work especially in only 6 months or remove the pictures to show you care about her feelings and want her to feel secure.

I don’t know if I could put up with that level of insecurity and jealousy especially in the fun new relationship stage though.

Riojasmooth · 01/09/2018 12:32

How about keeping the painting but cropping the photo as a compromise.
As Mrs Steptoe said, I'd have been over sensitive to this type of stuff maybe 15 years ago but not now.

Musti · 01/09/2018 12:32

I wouldn't have a photo of my ex up even a group pic. I think it's weird. Fine to have pics but to put them on the wall is disrespectful. Also a painting done by them I wouldn't like either.

I have no problems with exes being feinds or meeting up etc but would feel the same as your girlfriend in this picture.

Riojasmooth · 01/09/2018 12:34

Also, as for the ongoing legal situation I'd feel better if it was discussed with me. To want to not hear of it or be reminded of it seems a bit extreme after a few months of dating.

Bufferingkisses · 01/09/2018 12:47

I'm torn here. My OH has a photo where his ex wife appears behind him. She's not part of the pic as such but takes up about 1/5th of it. I do find it uncomfortable. However there are a few things 1) theyb were together a long time, there are going to be photos, shared furniture etc around. These are his memories and his life and I have to respect that the same as I would expect it in return. 2) The photo is of him and his best friend who passed away horribly young and unexpectedly.

Because of the importance of the picture I keep well and truly quiet (obviously) I'd never so much as raise an eyebrow about it visably however, if it was just a silly pic with no real meaning he had randomly decided to display one day after their relationship was over I think I would find it a bit disrespectful. Not enough on its own to object but still disrespectful.

Joysmum · 01/09/2018 12:47

Whether you agree she has s point or not, she feels insecure and a whole host of other emotions regarding your relationship and your feelings with your ex.

Question is, is this worth trying to work through?

There will come a point when you either don’t think it can be worked though or is not worth it. Is she petty and argumentative as standard or is she just feeling insecure and vulnerable?

Santaclarita · 01/09/2018 12:50

It's a bit weird to be happy to put photos up of your ex willingly, especually while going through a legal battle. You say that you wouldn't know it's her unless they know you, but considering most that know you will know of her, they will know her. Honestly if I saw someone with pictures up that featured their ex too, I would think they weren't quite over the relationship. Even if I wasn't in a relationship with them.

The painting is a bit different, but by putting up photos of your ex too now, you are basically marking your house with her in the forefront and nothing of your current girlfriend. So your current girlfriend gets to see reminders of the ex now, 6 months after starting a relationship with you. If they'd been there from the beginning, it would be less weird, although that would still tell me you weren't over the ex.

tinkerbellone · 01/09/2018 12:54

I think it would annoy me if you had pictures of your ex in back ground. Combined with your ongoing legal battle... is she sick of hearing about it? Are you bitter? Are you keeping the painting because your ex wants it back?

Original poster

jpuser · 01/09/2018 13:58

Hi all, thanks for the responses.

In reply to the various questions:

Yes I did say to her I thought she was being jealous and petty and that I can't believe we have had an argument for over a week because of this.

She is not younger no - we are both early 30's.

The painting has been up since before i met my current girlfriend

The photo is literally one photo and went up a few weeks ago along with loads of others to make a feature up my stairs (over 50 photos up there) - I printed maybe 200 photos and I think that was the only one with her in - but it is me and my best mate looking quite funny in fancy dress.

I broke up with my ex and chose to end things. I have no desire to go back there at all I certainly don't want her back. I keep the painting because its a painting of me and is a great painting, I don't care who painted it. I am not the type of person to dwell on the past or be bitter about things. Pleasant or unpleasant feelings aside I have moved on. All of my ex's are part of who I am today as a person and have taught me things and I don't see why I should hide that, but likewise understand not to be insensitive. Its not like I have created a shrine or have any romantic photos or anything of my ex(s).

I was upfront about the legal issue towards the start as I felt I needed to be open and honest. My girlfriend said she felt uncomfortable discussing it so I told her I wouldn't talk about it unless she asks - which she hasn't so I haven't.

OP posts:

Musti · 01/09/2018 14:13

People are different. My ex has given me a painting I love but I won't put up in my new house. Not because I want him but because the painting was a gift and represents him. I'm not even in another relationship.

Can't you find a picture without your ex in it? I may put a picture up in the future of my uni days and may have my uni boyfriend in it. He was a major part of university and we were all friends. We have been split for 20 years though and are friends. But a recent ex, nah sorry.

MMmomDD · 01/09/2018 14:48

OP - you are trying to approach an emotional issue with logic.
Logically - you are right. You are the kind of person who doesn’t attach emotional significance to objects - so the painting is just a painting to YOU...
However, she isn’t thinking this way. She reacts to this emotionally - and for her it’s a reminder of your Ex - sitting there, looking at your with life in her eyes, painting you, giving it to you as a present....etc. From her emotional point of view - this painting is a memory, and you holding on to it signifies attachment to the past, to the connection you had with the Ex.
(Btw - the fact that it’s your portrait almost makes it worse, I think. More personal, than if it were some landscape that you liked)

Same with the picture. Picture is easier to fix - couldn’t you blur out the Ex before printing it?

How the two of you handle it right now - will make/break your near future, I think.
She may be a little insecure. But, equally, you seem unprepared/unwilling to understand that relationships take compromise on both sides. It’s not all pure logic of one person that takes precedence. Sometimes one can be ‘more right’ about something and still need to give in, and not resent the other person.
Only way for relationships to survive in the long term is if both people are prepared to do that at times.

Joysmum · 01/09/2018 15:07

Yes I did say to her I thought she was being jealous and petty and that I can't believe we have had an argument for over a week because of this

Oh dear.

Luckily in our early days my DH respected and lived me enough to realise i didn’t want to feel bad about any aspect of our relationship but my feelings were real to me and not to be trivialised or belittled. We faced them together and have been together for 24 years as a result.

If he’d been like you and his response was to put me down, that would have just compounded issues and we’d never have lasted.

If you can’t take her feelings seriously and think she’d decide to be petty and jealous for an agenda then this is the wrong relationship for you both.

TurnipCake · 01/09/2018 15:23

Yes I did say to her I thought she was being jealous and petty and that I can't believe we have had an argument for over a week because of this

Ah. That probably hasn't done you many favours. You may not feel she's correct on the matter, but her feelings are her own, and to have them put down like is hurtful.

Hopoindown31 · 01/09/2018 16:23

At the end of the day you haven't got a shrine to your ex or anything. You have a potrait of you and one pictue in 50 where she is in the background. This is part of who you are and if she can't accept it.then probably time to move on.

Ullupullu · 01/09/2018 16:29

My ex was a trained artist and I (and one of my parents in fact) still have some of his art on display! My DH of over ten years does not care one iota.

TooOldForThis67 · 01/09/2018 17:51

I wouldn't like either picture up and I'm not a jealous petty type. The painting of you done by your ex is very personal. It represents a time when you were both happy together and spent a lot of time with each other - no wonder she resents it! That isn't just sentimental, it's logical, fact. Time to put it away. The picture of you and your friend on the wall is a reminder to you of a great time you had with your mate, which she'll be thinking, yeah, when your ex was present. So I get why she doesn't like seeing it everytime she visits you. Maybe you can negotiate on it, agree to take the painting down and emphasise that the other is a great photo which you'd like to keep up. If she isn't willing to accept this then maybe there are more issues than pictures and photo's at stake.

C0untDucku1a · 01/09/2018 17:56

What type of legal issues? Ball park.

How does your gf know the ex painted the photo?

Id end it. Too much drama this soon. Cut ties.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 01/09/2018 18:03

I’d be standing your ground. If she’s insecure over a painting god knows what else is in store for you!

MalloryLaurel · 01/09/2018 18:09

It would bother me. I would expect you to remove both. I'm in my 40s. At heart I believe I'm unlovable (abusive parents who don't love me,) so it would be a massive amount of insecurity that would remove any trust in our relationship.
Op, I guess I've made you feel lucky I'm not your new girl friend!

Goldilocks3Bears · 01/09/2018 18:12

So I’m a little older ... we both have pictures where our exes appear. No shrines though 😂

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