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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thought I could do this but now I’m not too sure

34 replies

oprahwindfury · 31/08/2018 21:58

Broke up with DP this week, mutual decision due to lack of trust and circumstance - decided we’d be friends

Didn’t realise he’d want to date straight away - he’s out tonight wining and dining

Can’t think of anything else and have knots in my stomach - not sure that I I can be the supportive friend as I still have feelings for him

Wondering whether I should go NC or tell him I’m struggling and maybe we should give things another go

OP posts:
pallasathena · 31/08/2018 22:20

Go NC. And think about your self respect and personal boundaries.

TheFifthKey · 31/08/2018 22:22

You can’t be friends. It never really works - and certainly not straight away.

schopenhauer · 31/08/2018 22:23

Deciding you’ll be friends is usually just being polite or softening the blow. Or giving him a way back for casual sex, ime. I’d go NC, delete off all social media and focus on yourself and your own life.

Domino20 · 31/08/2018 22:23

NC. Sorry it's the only way to get over it.

youaremyrain · 31/08/2018 22:24

NC for thirty days then reassess

Goldilocks3Bears · 31/08/2018 22:27

Definitely NC

Celynfour · 31/08/2018 22:28

I think there’s a few factors that can affect this . How long were you together ?

Original poster
oprahwindfury · 31/08/2018 23:16

2 years with breaks

Decided I should go NC for 21 days - they say that’s the length of time it takes to break a habit

OP posts:
FuckItPassMeTheWine · 01/09/2018 08:24

I remember your other post where you advised us that he had some “crazy ex” be careful this could be you next ( as you seem to know he is out dating etc ) block and move on love .

Timeforabiscuit · 01/09/2018 08:27

Get space for yourself, step two in my experience was former dp whingining back to me how he never got to a second date..

It took me an embarrassing amount of time to stop being an emotional doormat.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 01/09/2018 08:27

You’re being way too hard on yourself. Staying friends is tough and in my experience not actually worth it. But if you really want to stay friends you need to have some space first as no one could be supportive of an ex’s dating after a week...

ALittleBitConfused1 · 01/09/2018 10:19

Men do this. They usually start dating within weeks, women wallow and recover men just hop into the next bed and ignore everything they feel.
Stop thinking about him and what he is doing (or what fuck ups he is now making) his behaviour doesnt impact you now.
Start the process of moving on, greving for the end of the relationship and building a better you/life.
NC is hard but it defo works, it helps you put things in perspective. If you feel yourself slipping write a list of all the shitty reasons you ended it in the first place. Stick it to the fridge and everytime you want to call him read the list. It sounds silly but worked for me. When heartbreak kicks in (almost like a death) we tend to idioliise that person, we put them on a pedalstool and forget their bad points. Instead of feeling sad and jealous and telling yourself you miss/love him ask yourself what you loved/are missing about him. Its amazing how difficult that question can be to answer when the rose tinted glasses are removed. Read that list over and over, eventually it will kick in.
Finally just remember 24 short months ago you never knew he existed, in 24 months you will barely remember he does.

NynaeveSedai · 01/09/2018 10:20

Definitely don't try to be friends. Whatever relationship you can have with a very recent ex is not friendship.

MrsMozart · 01/09/2018 10:22

Staying friends is a tough one. I'd go NC and give myself time to get head and heart around it all.

You'll be alright lass.

PurpleWithRed · 01/09/2018 10:24

Some people react to a breakup by thinking “I want a girl/boyfriend, I suddenly don’t have one, I’ll get another random one as that’s better than nobody” and leap straight into the dating scene. Others react to a breakup by thinking “I really miss xxx, no one else will do” and they stay out. XDP was internet dating 3 weeks after I’d called the divorce. It was quite a relief really.

Original poster
oprahwindfury · 01/09/2018 10:44

He sent me a text at 1am last night so I presume his date went well - I responded and then nothing

text this morning at 6am and no reply - I feel sick

wel live quite close so I was going to run past his flat - guessing she stayed the night as he texts me constantly

not sure how people move on so quickly - have signed up to a myriad of dating websites now

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 01/09/2018 10:49

Why was he messaging you at 1am? To say what? You shouldn't have replied ....
Because it's very easy for him not too reply to yours

TurnipCake · 01/09/2018 10:59

OP... step away from the dating sites. And step away from your ex.

The whole 'let's be friends' is often just diplomacy and politeness. This guy is torturing you.

SuperSuperSuper · 01/09/2018 11:24

I'm sure you have friends already. You don't need his friendship.

You certainly don't need 1am texts. Friends don't do that unless it's an emergency.

I'm friends with a couple of exes but a lot of time had passed when I reconnected with them. It's not really possible to be friends straight after a split unless it was truly mutual and amicable.

FuckItPassMeTheWine · 01/09/2018 11:29

Run past his flat? Why? Step right back and step back some more . Block him and pretend he doesn’t exist because he is no longer in your life now and you need to accept it. By staying in contact you are prolonging your own agony , he’s enjoying rubbing your face in it and I expect he is a narc slighlty . His ex was probably a very nice girl but you ridiculed her on your other thread , he is now treating you the same. Try and train your mind to not think about him. He sounds like a douche .

schopenhauer · 01/09/2018 12:13

Why did you reply? It looks like you were staying up waiting for a text. And don’t run past his flat! I also wouldn’t start dating again, especially just to make him jealous or something. Just focus on you and do something to make yourself happy eg exercise, holiday, new hair or just see friends and family and maybe have a good night out.

MrsMozart · 01/09/2018 12:20

I know it's hard but you need to step away lass, for your own sanity if nothing else.

butterfly56 · 01/09/2018 12:32

Well he's tok full advantage of the mutual separation to jump straight into being out and about doing exactly what single people do.

Unless you go NC with him permanently you are destined for a lot more heartache and crazy making behaviour caused by this guy knowing full well that he has you dangling on a string.

Block him and stop putting yourself through the misery of trying to stay friends....it will never work with him. You will still be in this position in a few years time unless you take back control of your own life and also look after your own emotional wellbeing.

Don't let him mess with your head anymore.

Original poster
oprahwindfury · 01/09/2018 13:57

He just asked if I’d had a nice evening and that he’d text me in the morning

I didn’t hear anything from him until late morning - very unlike him so assume she stayed or he stayed at hers

it was him pushing for friendship - he asked me not to block him and said that maybe at some point we will get back together

sometimes I feel like a passenger in my own life - I know I deserve more hence why I want to find someone else

OP posts:
ISpeakJive · 01/09/2018 14:04

OP, do you know what NC actually means?

No contact means just that.

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