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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much do you do for your dh/dp?

72 replies

sportyspice · 20/08/2004 19:44

I just wondered how self sufficient other peoples dh/dp's are and how much in addition to their job they do at home. I make all the meals including brekkie on table ready for when out of shower along with fresh coffee,wash up, make packed lunch,fresh cappucino's when in from work, do all housework, washing, ironing, he has never done a sleepless night,leave him to lie in every weekend and i do virtually everything to do with the children ie bathing, dressing etc although he might deal with the odd nappy perhaps 3 a week.

OP posts:
tex111 · 21/08/2004 19:44

It was pretty much 50/50 when we both worked full time but now that I'm a SAHM we have a cleaner that does a thorough clean every week and I do all the maintenance (sweeping, tidying, etc) though DH does clean up after himself. I do all the laundry but DH puts away his clothes and does his own ironing. I load the dishwasher in the day and turn it on at night and DH empties it before going to work. He's also in charge of the rubbish and recycling and he does virtually all of the gardening. I'm in charge of organising anything to do with the house like builders, paying bills, calling someone out when something needs to be fixed, etc.

At the weekend we take turns having a lie-in and, to be honest, DH takes over with DS. I still do whatever is needed but because they don't get to see each other very much during the week DH is keen to be with DS as much as possible.

It all works well for us but we've worked hard to get to this point! Tomorrow is our twelth wedding anniversary and, believe me, DH did not come out of the box like this. Years of training went into getting to this stage.

wild · 23/08/2004 12:51

Yeah, Lulupop, know just what you mean. DP getting better at doing stuff and happy to look after ds for me but makes it seems like a 'favour' rather than just his turn! Also if I want help I have to spell out exactly and its sometimes quicker just to do it eg when you are getting ready to go out just exactly how do all the nappies, drinks for journey and general clobber get into the car, by magic? We both work by the way, cleaner comes once a week which he pays (he thinks she covers all the cleaning, no conception that with 2yr old the floor may need an occasional wipe in between) and ironer which I pay. I do all washing, household shopping and look after ds 95% time. I mind when I feel its not appreciated but he is getting more hands on over time. Like yours, he works v hard and I don't mind providing support for that. On the other hand the more he is involved the more he appreciates what I do.

Blu · 23/08/2004 13:44

Sportyspice - do you have an outside-the -home job, as well?
It averages out at about 50/50 in the Blu household - but in between the discussions about who does most and whose turn it is to mow the lawn / get up at dawn with DS etc, it is nice to do something as a treat for the other.

earlygirl · 23/08/2004 13:49

sporty spice- snap-
i do all house stuff and my dp earns the crust and pays the bills,services the car etc-
and shock horror i actually like it this way-i dont want to work -but i would be a little happier if he did the washing up more than once a year(though hes promised me a dishwasher when we move!

acnebride · 23/08/2004 13:50

lulupop, with you there. dh not too bad but then i make sure i tell him when i've cleaned the floors etc, because he doesn;t notice cleanliness, only untidiness. it may be dull for him but it's hard cheddar i'm not going to soldier nobly on in silence like my mother for 34 years and then divorce him with gnashing teeth

i have to say a tiny unworthy thought passed through my head about sportyspice - the t word? perhaps only because of other thread dramas - don't want to label anybody.

earlygirl · 23/08/2004 13:51

that should be dont want to work outside the home!!(as i work damn hard in it)

KateandtheGirls · 23/08/2004 13:52

Sporty Spice, where are you?

earlygirl · 23/08/2004 13:52

acne whats the t word? thick?

hercules · 23/08/2004 14:02

My mil doesnt stay long when she visits as she cant bear to see her darling son suffering. That is doing housework. I am being deadly serious as well.

earlygirl · 23/08/2004 14:08

trampled??!!

acnebride · 23/08/2004 14:33

had to belt upstairs and repost because felt so bad about previous stupid suggestion re sportyspice. glad to see subsequent posters have ignored it - please nobody pick me up on it as am ing

Bibiboo · 25/08/2004 10:35

In our house, dh does the tidying whereas I tend to do the cleaning IFKWIM. He's not as on the ball as I'd like and I feel awful nagging or asking him to do things, but we both work full time and I tend to do more around the house just out of personal drive then he does. i.e. I make the packed lunches every night - if I don't, we have to go out and buy food at lunchtime. Not because he won't do it, he just doesn't think about it.
I do all the cooking but the pay off is that I've not washed a dish in the last 18 months as that's DH's job. It doesn't get done as often as I'd like (after every meal, it's more like once a day) but it gets done none the less.
Have to admit he's been an angel since I got pg, and does a lot more for us now than before. I tended to be the instigator of work in the house, but he's started to notice that I can't do as much anymore and picks up the slack.
Most household jobs are split, like he does the ironing, but I do all the folding/putting away etc. I certainly speak up if I think things are getting unfair!

alicatsg · 25/08/2004 11:16

v interesting thread. I work full time (usually 70 hrs + a week, with 1hr commute each way) and dh is a SAHD and is brilliant with baby. However, I get him up and generally put him to bed and have him all w/e. I also do all the housework (laundry, hoovering, cleaning bathrooms etc) and dh does cooking except at w/e. I do the gardening - ok mow the lawn when I can't see the fence anymore. I get up when ds wakes up at night.

Do I resent him? yeah, at w/es when he's watching the cricket and I'm juggling baby and hoover you bet. Also he has a life - he plays guitar, goes to the gym, plays for the cricket team and studies. I have work and being mum and thats it. But at the end of the day this was my choice.

Have to say I'd love time to get my hair done tho!! I have variegated hair right now, most vile.

Blu · 25/08/2004 11:37

That's interesting Alicatsg: so basically, the assumption that women will do everything is not attached to the SAH function but to gender! men expect SAHMs to do all/most of the housework, but in this case of a SAHD, you do all the housework, too!

dejags · 25/08/2004 11:52

Things in our house are a lot more balanced now that I am a SAHM. I do:

*Cleaning (toilets, floors, kitchen etc)
*Washing and DS's ironing
*Daily tidying
*Nursery run 3 x weekly
*Collect DH from station every evening
*All bills
*General finances/budget
*Paperwork
*Generally look after DS do his meals in the week, library, park etc.

DH does:

*Works full-time
*Cooks more often than I do
*Looks after DS in evenings, does his bath
*Vacuums
*Irons for himself and me (when the urge takes him)

Before I stopped working I did everything on my list plus worked a full 5 day week - used to piss me off no end. I also found that I couldn't keep up with the finances etc because I was either too tired or didn't have time.

DH is a diamond really - he is always happy to help when and if he can.

acnebride · 25/08/2004 12:12

Can't believe you do all the night stuff alicatsg. when you say it's your choice, what do you mean exactly?

littleweed · 25/08/2004 12:19

we've got a cleaner thank goodness other wise teh house would never get done as I hate ckeaning adn i'm crap at it too. I do all teh food shopping, cooking, washing up and laundry. also hoover whenever it needs doing. Dh does bathtime whenever he's home in time, bills, car and garden. I do all the getting up cos DH is such a sound sleeper he deosn't hear the baby. I feel I might as well get up anyway as have to kick him to do it tehn lie awake myself. So I'm awake at 6 evrey morning weekends included...........

alicatsg · 25/08/2004 13:50

as in I chose to go back to work full-time and have a need to feel that I am also supermum at home. work is a really big thing for me so its hard for me to scale back

Tanzie · 25/08/2004 22:43

Sporty Spice - what are you looking for, a gold medal or a halo?

I'm sorry, but I think you sound like a drudge, or a 50s housewife. Do you polish the children's little faces and have a ribbon in your hair ready of when he comes home from work as well?

I am afraid I think your post sounds smug and self congratulatory - look at me! How wonderful I am to my man! But it's your life...

saintshar · 25/08/2004 22:49

Whooooooooo Tanzie!!!
That was a bit OTT wasn't it??

libb · 25/08/2004 22:51

Easy Tanzie, lots of different opinions and approaches remember?

Tanzie · 25/08/2004 22:54

Yes it probably was. But it made me angry and I still am. I have re-read her post and it still says "How smug am I?" to me. DH never had a sleepless night? Gets to lie in every weekend? But it was the "fresh cappucinos" that got my goat the most. Can you make a stale cappucino? SS is not wondering what other people do at all. She is just being...smug. Sorry, I am not eloquent when cross.

Tanzie · 25/08/2004 22:55

I will revisit tomorrow and if I think I have been OTT I will apologise unreservedly. But not now.

Different opinions and approaches, yes. These were mine in response to Sporty Spice's.

Slinky · 25/08/2004 22:59

Well, my DH leaves the house at 5am commuting up to London (and he can take a running jump for "fresh Cappucinos" at that time of the morning!). Gets home anytime really (last night due to fire on track it was 8.30pm) and tonight it was 7pm (usual time).

I do most cooking (have to otherwise me and kids would starve), but he irons his stuff. If he's in, he'll eat with us, if not, he makes his own arrangments. I do the laundry but he will take over at weekends.

Don't do packed lunches for him (I do for the kids, but they're 8, 6 and 4 - not 38!!). He baths the kids if he's back from work in time and frequently changed nappies AND got up in the night.

I'm not his mother - we're partners and yes he's out all day in London, but I have 3 kids to run around after, a new part-time job and an Open University course starting next week.

My DH would hate me running around after him all the time - it would make him feel like one of the kids.

saintshar · 25/08/2004 23:00

Fair enough Tanzie. I didn't really read it that way, but each to there own i suppose.
I could understand you being angry-ish if she was saying 'my DH does EVERYTHING for me, works FT, cleans, looks after the kids, is a master chef, and a BRILLIANT lover!!' (then i would have thought she was being smug!!!
Are you like that in RL, straight and to the point?!! I am, but not so much on here.