My Dad got married and didn't tell me...

[Cblockbitch]

Two weeks ago I found out through an extended family member that my dad had remarried.

This came as a huge shock as I didn't even 'officially' know he had a girlfriend/live in partner.

It has been around 3 months since the wedding and since I found out I am starting to realise I am quite upset. I had an initial apology for not telling me and now for the most part things are fine.

I have some issues though firstly this woman he has married was the OW 15 years ago. Mum and dad have been divorced now for 8 years.

My mum has never gotten over it and is depressed and trapped in the past is full of hatred and anger and is allowing it to make her bitter (she is a whole other thread)
She had been getting better but is now full of bile and evil again for my dad and cannot seem to censor the vitriol around me.
I know she is hurting but it has been 8 years. I am upset over who he has married but I can't do anything about it now. What's done is done and I would never have expected to have a say anyway.

My mum won't accept help and is so nasty about my dad spending time with my DC.
I feel like I am stuck and I don't know what she wants from me. I think she would love for me to never see my dad again to punish him.

I feel like my mum is the problem.

I should not have to referee this should I?

No, you absolutely shouldn't

Does she have form for expecting you to be her emotional support op.

Well I think your df is the problem. Yes your dm should work on this but I can imagine she was beyond hurt. Has your df and OW tried to make amends?

Saying it happened X amount of years ago means nothing.

She does try to use me as emotional support. She cannot accept that i reduse to take sides. They are my parents i will not pick a side. I love them both. i try to treat them both equally.

My dad doesnt really do making amends as such. He appologised for not telling me. I am ok with that. I want nothing to do with her. I dont need or want another mum and my DC don't need another Grandma.

That's another thing. is it acceptable for me to state she is called by her name and never Grandma or any other variation thereof?

Because if my DC started calling her Grandma I think that might just finish my mum off.

That's the OW you're talking about? I can't see any reason why they shouldn't call her by her name (although how are you going to police it?)

Yeah the OW. well I can't police it except to make sure my Dad knows how upset I would be if they did and if he didn't respect that I think he would only be seeing them supervised.

This was EXACTLY my mum! It's so hard and awkward having to hear the same things on repeat isn't it? Sometimes I ran out of patience with it and instead of sympathising I was brutally honest. Nothing I ever said or did changed anything though so I don't really have any advice. The bad thing was that my dads partner (wife now) wasn't the OW, she came along after and I think she was the OW to the OW!!

Unfortunately my mum died a few weeks after my dad remarried, probably around 8 years after their initial split. She died very bitter and vitriolic and it ruined a lot of memories I have of her in the 2 years of her illness if I'm honest.

oh ems I'm sorry you had this too. I am glad you understand though.

Nothing I do or say makes any difference and then when I lose patience like you say my mum gets upset with me and starts saying I have no idea how hard her life was with my dad.

No I don't, but I don't know what is expected of me when she says that. What is is wanting me to do? Sympathizing and being kind means she starts to tell me things I really don't want to hear, being neutral makes her angry with me and being harsh makes her upset. I can't win.

I have told her that I care for her and thatch underatand she is hurting but I am her daughter and I am not the appropriate person to discuss my dad with. I have suggested relate and independent councillors, going to the doctors, speaking to friends and not me but she won't.

A PP mentioned I was wrong to put a time frame on it but it's been almost a decade and she hasn't moved forward at all.

”Has your df and OW tried to make amends?”

What? Why the hell would he (or OW) “make amends” to the OP’s Mum? They had an affair - they didn’t steal her car! And how, exactly would he “make amends” in any way that would actually satisfy her anyway? An apology? A Mea Culpa? Sacrificing his dog’s first-born puppy? I doubt anything would help her much, particularly if she’s not got over it after this long.

Yes it’s morally wrong of him, yes he hurt her (my exW cheated and left me for OM so I am intimately acquainted with how it feels), but his life, and how he lives it, is absolutely none of his exW’s business and she is being VERY U by putting OP in this position.

OP I would, as kindly as possible, tell your Mum that she needs to find a way to let it go because it’s not hurting anyone bar herself and your relationship with her. Maybe if she realised quite how shitty she’s making you feel then she’d accept she needs help?

Changedname3456 see I disagree, no one is held accountable for anything anymore and that's why there are so many arseholes around. Because it's ok to act like one

As you would know, you take a vow until death do you part. Not until your head gets turned.

And OP dad sounds like a hugely selfish twat. He didn't even tell his dd he got married.

It sounds like your dad has not behaved well towards your mum.

BUT what's done is done.

Your mum really needs to move on because her being bitter is not going to change anything and she will just ruin the rest of her life.

I can see why your dad kept it on the downlow as it sounds as though your Mum is really sticking her oar in.

Rightly or wrongly it's been eight years. Yes she's hurt but everyone gets hurt in life and you need to learn to deal with it and "rise when you fall", not be a martyr.

I think that as a general approach you shouldn't have to take sides but it made speed up her healing if you do acknowledge that yes, it was crap of him and yes it must hurt that he married the ow and that yes he handled it badly. my dd although only a teenager will never ever acknowledge any wrong doing of her father and although I have healed and don't need her to acknowledge it, I can put myself in the shoes of somebody who is still in pain and who just says metaphorically, yes I stand up for you. Obviously if she valued herself she wouldnt need you to do taht so badly.

It's just a suggestion. Just an approach to TRY, seeing as the situation has been going on for YEARS.

Didn't get to read everything but I just wanted to offer my hugs. I considered my father my best friend my whole life, had zero relationship with my physically abusive narc mother. He was engaged and told me he and his partner were going to Mexico to get married when I was 24 - just the 2 of them, which I was a little hurt over but still understood. I found out after the wedding that they had family AND friends there, roughly 15-20 people. At 25 I went full NC with both of them, my birth mother is deceased.

I'm 31 now and my dad hasn't attempted to reach out to me once. It's impossible to explain to anyone that's never been slighted in this manner how painful it is. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

She knows that I think he is a dickhead for doing what he did and my dad is a coward BUT he is my dad . I don't think anything short of outright NC would appease her. even then I'm not sure.

she as taken real joy in telling my brother because he treats my dad like shit and is a bit of a psycho so went to my dad's home and flipped at him. I don't think it's right for us to get so involved in my parents issues. I have always felt this way even when I was 15 and she made him tell us about the affair.
I have always been very independent and he didn't destroy my life by cheating on my mum. he has always been there for me if I have needed him. always.

sometimes I feel that she wants me to hurt and be angry too. I don't think she likes that I have a happy life with my DH and DC. although she woild never admit it outright she makes barbed comments.

I feel she is projecting and wishes she had been stronger like me.

I think you have exhausted the dialogue here with your mum. Time to be more physical.

Tell her that you have had this conversation too many times and you will not have it again. If she wants to bring it up, you will leave.

When she brings it up, gather your stuff and your children and go. Tell her you warned her, you will be going but you will see her again next week.

If she brings it up on the phone, tell her you warned her, that you will be hanging up now, but will call her later.

Don’t engage, don’t offer advise, or counselling. Just refuse to be her sound board anymore.

Hopefully you will onmy have to do this a few times before she gets the message that the topic is off the table.

I agree with Aussiebean that you need to tell your mum that you do not want these conversations about your dad and that if she starts on one you will leave. While doing this you can give her the phone number of a counsellor. She will eventually get the message.

I also think you are being too kind to your father. Perhaps I am projecting here so I'll give you my experience first. My father also married a woman who I didn't know he was going out with without telling me. All his friends and my mums did. 20 years later I still can't forgive him. There was no justifiable reason for him to not tell me.

You sound very balanced and reasonable - tried not to take sides, had a relationship with both parents, invited them into your new family's lives and he doesn't have the decency to tell you he's getting married someone who caused great pain to the family, I am surprised you are not angrier. It was 2 1/2 months after the wedding before you found out. Does this mean he hid the woman from you? When you visited did he hide her things? Presumably they were together for some time if serious enough to get married and he never mentioned it? When would he have told you? Did he want the relative to tell you?

As for not calling new step mum grandma then absolutely that's your choice. Again you explain to your df that you will not accept new wife as their granny or there will be consequences.

It’s your dad that’s the problem, look how he is still treating his family.

He has properly broken your mum and is happily carrying on with his life, still treating his kids with disrespect and with the added luxury of being part of you and your dc life.

Some men always get a free pass.

I can see it being very hurtful to your mum that you sat on the fence with this. He didn’t only cheat on your mum, he cheated on you and your brother too. It sounds like your brother has been deeply effected by this too yet you came out of it quite unscathed.

I feel sorry for your mum

My dad has hurt me but he has genuinely apologised and I don't see the benefit of holding onto hurt over something I can never have control over.
I don't visit my Dad at his home. It would be too outing to describe why but it isn't safe for the children in a practical/location sense.

So when he visited me he just didn't mention it.

I did suspect because he started going on alot of holidays. When I casually queried who with he told me it was a male friend he hasn't seen to my knowledge since in was a child.

I left it because if he is dating someone and didn't want to tell me that was of course, fine.

I did however think if it was serious he would have had the decency to tell me.

I have expressed to him that I felt like an idiot when told by my extended family member (family member mentioned it clearly thinking I knew)

But he has apologised and I am now trying to think of practical ways to minimise my/DC involvement with her. There's no suggestion she expects to be involved in my life or be called grandma but I want my DC to have a relationship with my dad, so that will mean at some point being around her.

Standby my dad did not cheat on me. My parents relationship was shit. i wanted them to split for a long time.

My brother has a rose tinted view of how life and relationships should be and gets overly involved in others issues. He genuinely expected me to stay single and celibate when I left my EH because you know that you only get to do that once. obviously.

That's a warped view of life and relationships.

fwiw after a lot of abuse from my brother over my new relationship with my now DH and first pregnancy he is no longer in my life.

He probably has a warped view because of what your dad did OP

And yes I do believe when a parent cheats it’s on the whole family as in most cases the entire family is effected by it - apart from you. It’s not unusual for the mother to be accused of being the problem when a relationship breaks down either especially by her children.

Well whilst its horrible that your mum is so bitter and resentful over the situation it's hardly surprising she holds a grudge against him and his behaviour.

He is clearly a pathological liar evidenced by the deceit over the OW and the wedding. Although his apologies clearly meant nothing to him, if he continued to lie after you accepted his apology. Additionally just because a relationship is poor doesn't give anyone he right to cheat.

Its great you have forgiven him (your a better person the I would be) However just because he said sorry doesn't mean everything is ok again and you cannot expect your mother to be ok just because he has apologised.

i dont expext her to be ok. i expect her not to take it out on me.