My Dad got married and didn't tell me...

[Cblockbitch]

Two weeks ago I found out through an extended family member that my dad had remarried.

This came as a huge shock as I didn't even 'officially' know he had a girlfriend/live in partner.

It has been around 3 months since the wedding and since I found out I am starting to realise I am quite upset. I had an initial apology for not telling me and now for the most part things are fine.

I have some issues though firstly this woman he has married was the OW 15 years ago. Mum and dad have been divorced now for 8 years.

My mum has never gotten over it and is depressed and trapped in the past is full of hatred and anger and is allowing it to make her bitter (she is a whole other thread)
She had been getting better but is now full of bile and evil again for my dad and cannot seem to censor the vitriol around me.
I know she is hurting but it has been 8 years. I am upset over who he has married but I can't do anything about it now. What's done is done and I would never have expected to have a say anyway.

My mum won't accept help and is so nasty about my dad spending time with my DC.
I feel like I am stuck and I don't know what she wants from me. I think she would love for me to never see my dad again to punish him.

I feel like my mum is the problem.

I should not have to referee this should I?

You seem to easily forgive your Dad and easily blame your Mum eg your Dad cheated and hurt your mum dreadfully yet you blame your mum for him telling you age 15. Your Dad was very deceitful for not telling you that he was dating someone and then married them. But as he's apologised that's ok. Yet you're looking to reduce contact with your mum?

I'm not convinced it's your brother with the rose tinted specs on.

i expect her not to take it out on me

You probably perceive it that way because you contrast how she acts to your dad. He is the one who has behaved much worse but no matter what he does he seems to be blameless and it's all put back on your mum and how she appears to behave irrationally.

He left her for another women - she naturally found this difficult but you claim she is bitter, full of bile and trapped in the past.

He lies about who he spends time with - he says sorry everything is now ok again.

He marries in secret - You don't even bat an eyelid you just wonder what the kids should now call his new wife.

I would argue she is behaving entirely as a ration person who thought her marriage was forever would behave. You on the other hand seem to be bending over backwards to spend time with a liar and a cheat who has continuously proven to be deceitful?

I appreciate he is your father but what exactly does he bring to your life and why is having a relationship with him so much more important than the relationship with your mother?

I agree with recent posters. you actually said in your op that your mum was "getting better" until your father's recent lies but it doesn't surprise me that they would trigger feelings of anger and pain to her. Your father is capable of massive, massive deceit and I do think you are minimising that. He really isn't a nice person if he can lie to the people he loves the most in such a calculated and sustained way. I do understand that you wouldn't question your dad's relationships - we're all entitled to privacy - but are you not upset that he isn't inviting you into his life? When you got married did you not want the world to know? Or at least those closest to you?

Anyway you are a clearly a much nicer person than me - and I'm not trying to be goady or sarcastic- I couldn't forgive someone who lied to me like that but maybe I should try to forgive my dad not easy when I only see him about once a year.

I hope your dm can find some resolution through counselling or maybe just with time.

Your dad was a prick and he did a truly horrible thing but it’s been almost a decade and your Mother really needs to move on. She needs serious counselling, she shouldn’t still feel so much vitriol eight years on. You also shouldn’t be wedged in the middle like this, it isn’t fair.

Nice of your dad to invite you to the wedding, mind . Also his new wife will never be your DC’s Gran.

I think you're ace Op.
you've learnt holding grudges makes you miserable.
And letting all the crap go leads to the happy life you have.
I've done both.
I'm not minimising any ones behaviour but that's how it is.
I was bitter about my ex despite my wonderful new baby , lovely home and my amazing DH.
Until this was pointed out to me
And I realised I just had to let it go.
My ex was a great dad to my DD and I was happier than I'd ever been.
So I let it go ...., now i feel at peace with it.
There is a woman who was married for 12 years.
Divorced 44 years ago who still hasn't let it go.
44 years !!!!!
(She's miserable )
One of my best friends used her daughter as an emotional crutch. Until the daughter had enough . Not seen her for nearly 2 years.
You have one life.
Do things that make you happy.
Look after the people you love.
Life is too short to indulge people's dramas just so they can feel better with minimal effort.
You're got this OP.

I agree with in progress. Who else should have told you the reason your parents were splitting up? Did you tell your dad you were getting married or not bother because it wasn't important enough. Oops dad, forgot to tell you I got married last year. Sorry, you've got grandchildren too, did I not say??

Lying to you tells you exactly where you stand. And as they always say on MN, when someone shows you what they are really like, believe them.

Don't put up with it. My MIL tried this on about my DM - I told her I wouldn't stand for it, she wasn't to bitch about my mum in my presence.

As others have said, it seems your Dad has repeatedly, behaved in terrible hurtful and uncaring ways yet gets forgiven each time. Your mum's only crime seems to be not being able to get over it.

I'm in a similar situation to your Mum, my ex has repeatedly behaved in shocking and disgraceful ways towards me. For years I just took it and still pushed a relationship between him and our children. Past year I have stopped facilitating it and I too am called bitter and jealous and told to just get over it, not by my kids though thankfully. Your Mum may well be a pathologically bitter person but sounds like she has a lot to be bitter about and it must sting to see him getting off every time.

So those of you feeling I should be punishing my dad, how and to what level would be acceptable? I have no control over him and his life and I want him to be part of mine so what exactly do I do?

The poster who said I want to reduce contact with my Mum, where have you got that idea from?

Ohhhh, I so get this! Can I just say that I think you should forgive and forget. That s**t is healthy and you move on, because otherwise you live in the past. You're doing that OP so hats off to you. But I think that the problem is the 'leaver' and the 'left' scenario. The 'leaver' gets to start over and appears to be sorted and happier and the 'left' is somewhat of a loser and is left bitter, trying to piece their life back together and has to eat the shit sandwich and enjoy it! Suck it up buttercup! Not fair tbh, those poor 'lefts' are left and left to do all the hard work!

However, as a 'left' I can either wallow in it, be a 'victim', or I can choose to be a 'survivor' instead and I chose the latter but it's hard! Especially when you see that the 'leaver' gets the easier life and is continually forgiven at each and every turn! I think what does help is for people to ACKNOWLEDGE what the 'left' went through and how life events might affect them so that they don't need to mention it? Does this make sense?

I think you just need to stand up to your mother and say that you don't want to hear it every time she spouts off about your dad and OW.
If she continues, leave.

Cblock you don’t have any control over him or his life - however you should have your own set of morals and feelings about what is wrong and right.

You should be able to hold people accountable for the actions they have on you and other people you love.

You do seem very detached about it, almost as it’s a case of ‘nothing to do with me’

What was your relationship with your mother like before he cheated on her?

Benign is the only word I can think of to describe it.

and your right I do feel like it nothing to do with me.
I have never had a supportive or loving relationship with her tbh. I dont ever remember her being particularly involved with me beyond keeping me clean and fed. I don't remember any cuddles or I love you's.

From here it sounds like your mother is toxic. That may be the reason why your father left. Fair enough being bitter and even involving your children, but to continually bring it up etc is not what a good parent does. Your father probably guessed how you being told and oncoted to his wedding would go down with your mother.

It is entirely up to your children what they call your father's wife - don't bring all the toxic bullshit into your children's lives.

Bloody hell! You poor thing.
No way should your mother ever have dumped all this shit on you. Let alone still being doing it now.

My daughter’s father was a habitual user of prostitutes, and yeah, 10 years on he still makes me angry (not bitter raging, just... it’s not forgotten). As far she’s concerned, we split cos we had nothing in common, and we’re sort of friends just too busy with closer friends to see each other. She used to invite me to his parties!

I’d be devastated to put her in this position - far more upset than I ever was over his behaviour.

I do think it’s out of order that he got married without telling you! So I’m not saying he’s not as bad as she is.

Just feel sorry for you all round
I’d distance myself from both tbh.

I think this is a very sad situation all round. It’s very easy to get caught up in anger and bitterness. It sounds like they should have separated when the affair first happened. But your mum seemed to want to cling on and then spent more years being unhappy.
I think the problem arrisses when people stay together after an affair for the wrong reasons. It never turns out well in the long term.
But your mum needs to move on and let go of it all, not for any other reason than for her own happiness.
None of us can control the actions of those around us, and many people would rather live in the lie than deal with it.

Can you write her a letter and say you want her to be happy, but you can’t deal with the pressure of her bitterness?

my mum gets upset with me and starts saying I have no idea how hard her life was with my dad

So she should be happy he's no longer a part of her life in this case.

Eternal bitterness isn't healthy. Living a good life without the cheater is truly the best revenge.

@Theresnodisneyending

Don't put up with it. My MIL tried this on about my DM - I told her I wouldn't stand for it, she wasn't to bitch about my mum in my presence.

This really isn't the same. Your MIL bitching about your mum is way out of line. What has your DM done to her?

Sorry OP. This is such a tough situation and the important thing to remember is you can’t control your dad’s actions- and yes he has been extremely insensitive. Your mum can be upset at him but also she needs to get on and live her life. I have family members still stewing over stuff that happened 40+ years ago! She needs to make sure she has a better life without him and find things that make her happy.
Don’t feel you have to protect him from how upset you’re feeling but equally don’t feel you have to listen to her for any longer than you feel able to. Protect yourself too- he’s done a hurtful selfish thing to you. Look after your own feelings too.

Your new stepmother sounds not a nice person btw. Ultimately it’s your dad’s decision and you must blame him but if any man wanted to marry me without telling or inviting his kids to the wedding i’d run a fucking mile and so would most normal nice people. It’s a nasty thing to do to your kids.