Detest partners friend advice needed

[Annon54]

So a bit of back ground I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 37 and we have been together three years. Partner has a female best friend (the female part doesn’t bother me) but I’ve actually got to the point where I detest her so much I’m avoiding her.
Reasons being

• she is constantly getting herself in the same bad situations (men, money and everything else in between) and it seems like every time she has to come to my boyfriend for a shoulder to cry on and quite frankly I am internally screaming stop doing the same things over and over again.
• she is so touchy feely around boyfriend to the point I’ve even spoken to boyfriend about it and he even tries to keep a distance because it’s something he has noticed.
• she won’t call me by my real name because she “thinks my face doesn’t suit the name” and instead calls me something different
• the other day was the last straw her and boyfriend were chatting when she decided to call me jail bait bride (because of the age gap) in their conversation, boyfriend told me afterwards as I wasn’t there and I’m really angry about it. So far even though I dislike her I’ve been nothing but nice and offered help throughout problems and always made conversation with her but she is grinding my gears. Boyfriend claims she likes me but I really really have to doubt that when she has so much disrespect to not call me by my real name and insult me behind my back.

I never say a bad word to boyfriend about her because it’s one of his oldest friends but I struggle to have a good word to say. Advice really needed do I avoid her, just suck it up and see her and am I really being unreasonable about my feelings for her?

She sounds horrible. What does your boyfriend say when she’s so rude to you?

Honestly from that, it sounds like she likes your BF and is trying to stake her claim either by the touchy feely stuff (is she like this with everyone else or just him?) or by putting you down.

If she's an old friend its a tricky one to handle as you don't want to give the 'its her or me' ultimatum but it sounds like he's starting to notice himself so maybe voice your concerns at some point.

That's the thing, partner claims she will just be joking about the insult the other day and laughs it off. It's creating a bit of unease in our relationship because I feel like he should at least tell her not to call me that.

I told myself very early on I would not put any ultimatums out there, but I won't put up with being made to look like an idiot hence why I'm currently avoiding her. I'm sure she wants partner to herself and it does make me feel insecure

He 100% should tell her to pack it in.

Ask him why he’s putting her feelings above yours? Is he enjoying the attention?

If one of my friends called my DH a name that wasn’t his and it upset him I’d tell them to stop. (And they would because I’m not friends with bellends)

Tell him to choose. I don't usually advocate ultimatum but this calls for it. Be prepared to end the relationship.

Wtf I would be fuming if a boyfriend relayed that insult to me and he didn't defend me!!!!!!!

It's just her I honestly rage just thinking about her. I love all of partners other friends (they are one big group apart from this woman who is not friend with them) and ever since I met them they have been absolutely lovely it's just her. I know that partners previous ex also could not stand her either.

Hmm sounding more like he likes the attention and values that more than you’re feelings

What HeckyPeck wrote. It sounds like this woman has a long term hold over him and he too is letting this happen to you. Your man here is also the problem because he has not told her to back off. Therefore you should be raging about him too.

Next time you see her "Hello Twatface, oh sorry that's not your name, it just suits you so much more than (whatever it is)"

Your right I should also be angry at him because it feels like neither respect me at the minute. I just genuinely don't understand why anyone is friends with her she is such a rubbish person to people yet somehow gets away with it and my boyfriend is too damn subdued to say a thing

Twatface definitely is a more appropriate name for her

You avoiding her isn’t the answer OP.

Can you ask your boyfriend why he doesn’t face your back when someone is upsetting you?

I learnt as a kid that a joke’s only funny if everyone’s laughing.

If I were you I’d give him one chance to step up otherwise he could duck off.

It’s not an ultimatum to want respect in a relationship

Posted to soon:

It’s not an ultimatum to want respect in a relationship and leave if you don’t get it.

A - you ARE bothered by the fact she's female. That's clear from the reasons you dislike her.

B - he didn't have to tell you she'd called you a name, he's partly to blame for setting you against each other..

C - if they have been friends a long time at some point they'll have both been single and chosen not to get together so chances are there's nothing to worry about there.

Really you need to give yourself the ultimatum, either you tolerate her and stay with him or you can't and need to leave. Because chances are he won't give her up for you.

Have you discussed with either of them how she got on with his previous wives/gf?

That would be a fair ultimatum actually, if I say to him that unless he starts sticking up for me and stops letting me be disrespected by her that I'm out. I hate that she is managing to drive such a wedge between us because I feel it's exactly what she wants

That would be a fair ultimatum actually, if I say to him that unless he starts sticking up for me and stops letting me be disrespected by her that I'm out.

Yep. Life’s too short to be in a relationship where you’re openly being disrespected.

I hate that she is managing to drive such a wedge between us because I feel it's exactly what she wants

It definitely sucks that your boyfriend is allowing this to happen. Sorry OP

Partner has been in two long term relationships before myself and I know from what partner has said that neither of them liked her at all and they would just not bother going out with her. Partner says that is down to his exes but I'm beginning to wonder how true that is.
Maybe her being female is a part of it but more her behaviour as a female because partner has more female than male friends and I seem to get on with all of them and they know boundaries and act like adults.
Unfortunately I know that when drunk they have had a little kiss but nothing more- she however I know took that a step further by sending him naked pictures (a good 10 years ago granted)
She has a boyfriend although likes to sleep with plenty of others too (her partner seems unaware)
Partner has said before that it is categorically a friendship and he has no feelings like that for her and I trust that he doesn't I'm just mad about the fact he isn't standing up for me

She doesn't like you because he is her back up guy should she fail to find anyone else that will put up with her. Given that she keeps going through men and none stay, that seems likely.

I would be telling him to cut contact with her for calling you whatever she feels like and insulting you. More than likely he'll say no and you know where you stand then. He prefers her to you.

He may think it's down to the ex's but you're ltr no 3 and you don't like her either - all 3 of you are different so the common denominator is her. Was she one of the reasons if not THE reason those relationships ended?

How long has she been with her current partner?

Does she want or have DC? Does your boyfriend?

Ive been in this situation. My bfs would be sister in law (if his brother would marry her, he wont).

She got really psychotic and i had to involve the police.

Bf was friends with her for 17 years before this. She had done similar before and basically put a stop to a couple of interests he had before he met me. But with me he didnt want her to. It caused problems for a couple of months. But during that couple of months he did stick up for me, whenever she badmouthed me he defended me and walked away from her in public over it a few times.

Eventually she was the one who gavr him an ultimatum. She told him to choose between her and me and he chose me.

I never made him choose. The only time i voiced my opinion was when i was asked. At one point i also refused to engage with any sort of discussion about her as it was fuelling problems - if i gave my opinion and told him my honest thoughts, it gave weight to her insistence that i was trying to drive a wedge in their friendship.

The only time i ever discouraged him from going out with her was because it involved illegal activity which couldve cost him his work license and a fine of thousands of pounds. I wouldve advised anyone the same.

He needs to be the one to do it though. You cant force it really or he will just hold resentment about it. Mine is a very complicated person and even he doesnt hold that against me and i think it is because of how i handled it, as i know him well enough to know hed definitely bring it up if he felt like id done anything to influence it as it makes him feel trapped (her ultimatum basically sealed it for the end of their friendship)

I don't think she was the reason they split up but I do know partner says they made life hard for him for being friends with her.
She does want children but unfortunately she cannot carry them to full term (which I completely feel for her for)
Partner does want children and we have spoke about trying when we move into our own house (unfortunately I have my own fertility problems too, in fact she made the jail bait comment on a day I was really upset after a gynae appointment and it hit me harder) I wouldn't be trying when we move if things were like this though.
She's been with this boyfriend around 2 months but it's one of many and more to come I presume

Sorry to say but it's possible her fertility issues may be the only reason they haven't got together before.

Partner has been in two long term relationships before myself and I know from what partner has said that neither of them liked her at all and they would just not bother going out with her. Partner says that is down to his exes but I'm beginning to wonder how true that is.

Yes i also had this. At first i believed it because one of his exs (and i know this independently of him, not just relying on his words) is generally controlling and disliked any female.

SIL made a MASSIVE deal when she first met me (well, again, i actually knew her when i was a kid but hadnt seen her since i was a teen) about how their friendship is always a problem for women hes been with etc, how no one understands that men and women can be friends. In reality no potential partner would like her behaviour and she is the common denominator in a lot of drama.

He is quite genuine and like your bf would always tell me things, wasnt hiding anything etc, would show me what hed said if hed said anything and has never denied anything he has said that i may not like even if he knew id potentially be upset with him.

We are 99% sure she is also unfaithful to his brother. There were incidents where her paranoid behaviour markedly improved immediately after events where her cheating is suspected - phases of accusing other couples of infedelity at an obsessive level.

Honestly,he needs to cut her out.