Detest partners friend advice needed

[Annon54]

So a bit of back ground I’m 27 and my boyfriend is 37 and we have been together three years. Partner has a female best friend (the female part doesn’t bother me) but I’ve actually got to the point where I detest her so much I’m avoiding her.
Reasons being

• she is constantly getting herself in the same bad situations (men, money and everything else in between) and it seems like every time she has to come to my boyfriend for a shoulder to cry on and quite frankly I am internally screaming stop doing the same things over and over again.
• she is so touchy feely around boyfriend to the point I’ve even spoken to boyfriend about it and he even tries to keep a distance because it’s something he has noticed.
• she won’t call me by my real name because she “thinks my face doesn’t suit the name” and instead calls me something different
• the other day was the last straw her and boyfriend were chatting when she decided to call me jail bait bride (because of the age gap) in their conversation, boyfriend told me afterwards as I wasn’t there and I’m really angry about it. So far even though I dislike her I’ve been nothing but nice and offered help throughout problems and always made conversation with her but she is grinding my gears. Boyfriend claims she likes me but I really really have to doubt that when she has so much disrespect to not call me by my real name and insult me behind my back.

I never say a bad word to boyfriend about her because it’s one of his oldest friends but I struggle to have a good word to say. Advice really needed do I avoid her, just suck it up and see her and am I really being unreasonable about my feelings for her?

I have to disagree there because partner has known I have fertility problems since we very first started dating and it's never bothered him yet he's staying with me even though he knows it's possible kids may be a pipe dream

My god our stories in terms of words could be identical, I think it was our second date where he said the exact line I don't know why women don't understand that women and men can be best friends without it being something

They can be, but she wants more. He maybe doesn't but she does and she's never going to not want more. As I say he is her fall back guy and currently he is unavailable. Probably worries her that you might have his children and then he'll never want her.

She does sound horrible, I wouldn't like this at all. I do think your bf was out of order to tell you what she said about you, though; I'd say he enjoys creating drama.

How often do you see her?

DP has a friend I don't like. I just avoid them. They're close but talk mostly through phone etc. He visits his friend now and again. We don't live together but if friend came over when we do, I would just arrange to have something else or at least minimise time we have to spend together.

I would be fuming if he let said friend be disrespectful about me though. You can dislike one another and be civil. She sounds very immature (ironically as she's making fun of you being younger).

The dynamic is different to my situation as she's female and some of the things you've said do make it sound like maybe he keeps her around for his ego. And also because she is openly hostile!! He needs to get his act together and 1. Tell her to be polite and 2. Stop passing on mean things she said if she does. You don't need to know- he should tell her to shut up, give her a few chances, and then chuck her if she can't STFU with her weird childish jealousy stuff (that's what it sounds like).

What would she and DP say if you told her "I find that a bit rude, can you call me by my name?" or however you would word it, directly to her?

The worst of it is that she has the fob to get into ours (because it's been partners Home and she had a spare key for safety before I moved in) that I'm fighting tooth and nail to get back because quite frankly I hate that she can walk in at any time and the fact of when we have holidays or go away god knows what goes on.
They see each other only maybe a couple times a month but partner always invites me to come and i would rather stay as far away as possible and even just the fact she could come at any time annoys me. She has some life stuff going on at the minute which means she needs a bit more support (a real life problem and not her fault i feel for her actually) which means they are seeing more of each other but it gives more opportunity to be hurtful towards me.
I know what you are saying that partner shouldn't have told me but at the same time I would honestly rather no so I'm not sat with someone pretending to be nice as pie. I honestly always try and be nice to everyone but with this woman I wouldn't be nasty but I cannot be her friend either

• to add if I told her to call me by my name she would probably manipulate it to look like I'm being over sensitive with a response like "oh I was only joking you're too insecure" or "I was only playing" with a sickly sweet smile

I think I’d reply

“It’s not funny. Stop it.” With a steely stare.

Just treat her like a moron then since she is one. Or is there someone that she absolutely hates? If so, call her by that name and say 'you look more like one of them than your name' and if she causes a fuss, smile and say 'don't be so insecure I'm only playing'.

Several things occur to me.

1. She feels proprietorial towards your DP, having known him longer etc and this thing with not using your real name is her saying - see you're so insignificant, I can't even remember your name. Next time she does it I would ask if she had seen a doctor recently. When she asked why say you hope it's nothing serious but if she can't remember your name, she appears to have a problem with short term memory loss. That should shake her up a bit.

1. If your DP showed the slightest interest in her other than friendship, she would be in there like a shot. After sending him nude photos of herself (how cringe making) as it didn't get the desired effect, she has decided to hold grimly onto friendship - for now.

1. She is jealous of you because you are where she wants to be.

1. Your DP doesn't appear to take your discomfort being with this woman seriously. Make him understand. After all if his last two Exs had the same issues, he should at least acknowledge that she is the problem and not you or them and be more supportive.

1. I would go with your DP whenever they meet - I wouldn't give her the satisfaction of thinking she had managed to drive you away. Keep cool, calm and collected in the face of any provocation from her. Fake it until you make it if necessary. If will irritate the hell out of her.

The very best of luck.

Quote bluntly, you partner doesn’t respect you @Annon54
This is not normal
I’d run

She wants to be his girlfriend.

You had me at calling you the wrong name, let alone all the rest.

No, I wouldn't see her, get the keys back (your friend is staying for a week while you're both away), and tell bf doesn't he think it's weird that three of his serious partners in a row have disliked her behaviour??

I would be very careful if I were you. This friend has seen your dp’s previous girlfriends off and she will get rid of you too if you’re not very careful. If you give your dp an ultimatum I suspect he will stick by his friend, she’s been around a lot longer than you.

Personally I would be extra specially nice to her. Give her a taste of her own medicine, give her a nickname and say it’s because you think her face doesn’t suit her name. Laugh off her digs at you and make some at her! She’s just jealous and wants to get rid of you, don’t make it easy for her. But make it clear to her that he is your boyfriend by a few pda’s or holding his hand when you’re all together. The more you make a fuss the more time your dp will spend alone with her and she’ll poison his mind against you, don’t let her get the chance!!

Good luck!

I think I’d reply

“It’s not funny. Stop it.” With a steely stare

I take this back. Don’t engage in a contest with another woman for a guy that sits by and lets you be disrespected.

I hope he's worth all this upset and discord.

Because I'm not seeing it so far...

He knows that she likes him. He could put a stop to this, but he won't. I think he thoroughly enjoys the attention.

By not calling you by your name, she is dehumanising you. To her, you're just his pet. I would call her up on this every time she does it. Or just start calling her 'The Cunt' and see how she likes it.

I would give him one last chance to back you up. If he doesn't, ditch him. He will never have your back.

Sounds like she sees your BF as a surrogate partner and you're the bitch who moved in on him.

Your BF is the main problem here though. If anyone disrespected me in front of my husband or behind my back, he'd shut that crap down immediately.

He seems the sort that enjoys two women fighting over him.

@silverysurfer. Point 5 - THIS!

OP, don't give her what she wants, go to all the nights out, maybe take others to tag along for moral support if you can, be overly nice to her (vent about here here or to your friends to get it out your system). Sounds like you're reacting in the same way as the exes and it'll ultimately end the same way if you let it, but if you try a different approach, maybe you'll beat her at her own game.

Your bf is the problem, not that he thinks of her other than a friend but because (despite Ex’s not liking her) he is too stupid or doesn’t care enough about you to stand up to her. You have a gob OP, next time she calls you anything other than by your name pick a name for her too and if she gets annoyed, tell her that you thought ‘jokey’ names was a thing but if she didn’t like it, you would of course stop because you’d never want her to feel uncomfortable.

Play her at her own game, avoiding her is what she wants but personally, I would lose patience with a bf so emotionally dense as yours. Make your objections about him, not her because it’s his poor boundaries that are the problem here not his pathetic friend.

Honestly, I wouldn’t be doing the Pick Me dance with a partner who doesn’t seem to have your best interests at heart.

Ignore her. She sounds a twat but there are a lot of us in the world...