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Original poster

Dating limbo: the Almost Relationship

34 replies

NatVoll · 31/08/2018 09:34

Here I am, yet once again, realising that I have fallen in the trap of an Almost Relationship. You know that Almost Relationship limbo, when you are almost together, almost a couple, almost in love, but not really?This is the third time this happens to me, and I am started to think I am doing something wrong here.

We are definitely not Fwb, as I clarified when we started dating 4 months ago. I said I was not interested in that type of setup and that I was looking for a relationship, and he said he felt the same way. Both around 30 and no kids. Both with big careers.

We meet once a week, have a lovely afternoon, evening and night together, we chat about things and share a bottle of wine. The sex is great.

And yet, I can see this is not progressing into an actual relationship. We are two singles going on dates together once a week. We haven't increased the frequency of our dates, and in between dates we communicate maybe once or twice a day with humorous texts. He is crazy busy, and every weekend he is off to some fun trip with his buddies, but of course I am never included in any of his plans nor he seems to plan to include me anytime soon. He is having an absolute blast living his bachelor lifestyle with parties, trips, freedom and friends.

I feel like there is no real intimacy and I don't feel like I am getting to know him increasingly more, nor him me. He doesn't share any relevant information about himself, and when I ask I feel like he is uncomfortable. He says he needs time to open up.

When I try to share information about me and my past, he listens but doesn't really ask questions, so I wonder if he is interested at all (spoiler: probably not).

I feel like we are two singles who enjoy a few hours together once a week. He is lovely with me, kind and cuddly when we are together. We share a similar sense of humour. I am sure this setup would suit a lot of people, but it is not enough for me and I know I'll have to end this, as I don't see it progressing any further than this.

I am just a bit bummed about the fact that I seem to keep getting stuck in this dating limbo over and over again.

Am I doing something wrong? Please share your dating limbo/ almost relationships wisdom!

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 31/08/2018 09:50

I don’t think you’re doing something wrong; it just sounds like you’ve met a run of people who aren’t looking for the same thing you are. If you like the dude, it’s time for a conversation about where this is going and to say the things you’ve said in your post - you’re looking for a proper relationship and don’t feel as though things are progressing at all, does he feel the same way. If he appears to basically just be uninterested in you and your life though, it may not even be worth the conversation: a case of he’s just not that into you, unfortunately.

I’ve talked with friends about this sort of set up (which would be perfect for me) and I wonder if it becomes more common when people hit their thirties: in your twenties you’re looking for possibly your first serious relationship and are keen to move things along pretty quickly; in your thirties you’ve had serious relationships which fell apart and you’re that bit more cautious and reluctant to give up too much too soon. I don’t think it’s a bad stance to have, but it’s inconsiderate of him to lead you along when he’s not sure he’s looking for what you are.

meowimacat · 31/08/2018 10:16

It happens to us all! I think at the moment a lot of guys say they may want a relationship to keep us interested but actually they enjoy the limbo - where they get the girlfriend benefits without actually having to be your boyfriend.

I think what you need to do is look for warnings of this earlier. If he's always so 'busy' as they always claim to be, then really does he have time for a relationship? If dates and the time you see each other doesn't increase, that's also a warning. Or if they cancel a lot. If you aren't being integrated into their life, not meeting friends etc. that's another one.

It's not your fault you are getting into these, but it's now your decision of what to do. This guy is living the dream, he has his fun bachelor lifestyle and a woman on tap when he feels like seeing you. Are you going to put your foot down and ask for what you want, or are you going to not want to lose him and be willing to lower your standards just to keep this guy around?

There are guys out there looking for full on relationships, they're hard to find but they are out there. Don't waste your time in limbo, as it only delays you finding the right guy longer.

crappyday2018 · 31/08/2018 10:19

I agree with meowimacat - he is having his cake and eat it. Its not to say he doesn't want a relationship but he's probably thinking that if you're not pushing it, he's quite happy with this set-up.
I would either ask him out-right what he wants or just end things, saying you want something more but he;s not giving it. If he really wants to keep you he will then offer the full relationship.

LittleKitty1985 · 31/08/2018 10:42

When my DH and I were in that stage I instigated an "Intimacy game" which basically involves discussing 36 personal Qs (link below). It took us all afternoon but it was so much fun and afterwards I was amazed at how much closer we were! Worth a shot perhaps?

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/people/news/these-36-questions-can-make-you-fall-in-love-with-anyone-a6772366.html%3famp

Original poster
NatVoll · 31/08/2018 11:14

LittleKitty your game idea sounds super fun, although I am not sure this situation is salvageable at this point. Maybe I'll try it the next time I start dating someone!

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 01/09/2018 12:13

Sounds like a FWB relationship.
I feel you need to move on from this guy. Maybe cool it with dating and just focus on yourself, career and friends and then you will likely meet someone when you aren't looking.

Marshy · 01/09/2018 12:24

You've known him 4 months - what's the rush?

Hopoindown31 · 01/09/2018 12:46

You need to talk instead guessing or coming on MN to be told he is a player or commitmentphobe or similar. Perhaps he has been badly hurt in a previous relationship and just wants to take it slow.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 01/09/2018 13:33

Is he married?! Why wouldn't you be spending weekends/ holidays together?!

Original poster
NatVoll · 01/09/2018 13:55

Holly nope most definitely not married. He just enjoys spending his weekends and holidays with his mates.

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 01/09/2018 18:37

So he's going off to parties and never taking you?

I think at this point I'd ask him why you're never invited, or ask him to meet up on other nights. Surely at this point you want to show off this lovely new person to each other's friends, and should be wanting to see more of each other?

RedAndGreenSeen · 01/09/2018 18:48

I think "3 months in" is often a make or break time, for either party. Your spidey senses are probably telling you he's not feeling the need to take it further.

The only advice I can offer (from experience) is to take more time next time, not put your eggs in one basket, and have too many expectations to begin with. Always put yourself first.

Also, maybe wait to have sex unless you're reallyl, really sure. Its sort of "expected" now for some reason, a few dates in Angry, but honestly it can mess things up. The woman might get more attached and think its more serious than it is; the man finds out he isn't all that enthusiastic but its hard to turn down easy sex!

If you talk to him, he'll probably use the "conversation" as an opportunity to bale out.

Sorry its not a nice feeling Flowers.

Sabina21 · 01/09/2018 20:28

This happened to me recently and I felt like I was just getting fed with just enough affection to keep me from looking elsewhere but not enough for a proper relationship. I guessed that he wasn't looking for a serious relationship and assumed that he had other girlfriends. I stopped sleeping with him without talking about it as I wanted to see him in a more rational light. I asked him if he'd meet me for a coffee and lunch on Sunday instead of the usual Sat night as I was away Sat at my sister's. He got annoyed with me (This is from a man who goes out with his friends and family without me).
To me it's like I was like a stand in and I would prefer my own company than feeling used.

Sabina21 · 01/09/2018 20:31

Also I waited 3 months before sleeping with him and it still was a fake relationship

RedAndGreenSeen · 01/09/2018 21:10

Its not the artificial sense of "waiting for 1 month/2 months/3 months/1 year etc. Its more waiting to see if you really click! Sex can make people feel over-invested in something thats not all that.

SuperSuperSuper · 02/09/2018 00:23

It sounds like the sort of thing I'm looking for. I am 46 with dependent kids and don't want anything heavy but I do want a nice time once a week or so, and fidelity.

SuperSuperSuper · 02/09/2018 00:24

Should add: this would not have suited me at your age, before I had children. I wanted more traditional relationship then. So I get why you're frustrated.

Goldilocks3Bears · 02/09/2018 00:40

@supersupersuper I’m a similar age and same situation and have this. Neither of us want to move in etc. We speak regularly during the day. It has its limitations and I get frustrated when we’ve not seen each other for a while but on the other hand when we do get together it’s lovely. If I could change one thing it would be setting a regular date, I.e every Thursday but that’s not possible so we might see each other 2-3 times one week and then not at all for two weeks.

Goldilocks3Bears · 02/09/2018 00:41

I’ll add - what I describe makes some people very uncomfortable as it is what it is. No plan or end goal. Just enjoying it now.

plumcat · 02/09/2018 01:10

So many guys pretend to want a relationship just to get the benefits without the commitment. I've spoken to guys who admit to this . Pretty sad that people can't just be honest.

safetyfreak · 02/09/2018 08:25

I am in the same situation. It came to the head recently as he did not make any effort on my birthday. We are having 'the talk' and I am ready to dump him.

You can waste months/years with men like this who are happy to just cruise along.

subspace · 02/09/2018 08:45

Talk with him. Next time you see him, and before the wine & sex, in fact have a few dates without either and see if he's still keen. If he's not ready to be exclusive that's fine, but make it clear you will be going on other dates, and then be do sure to do exactly that. It could make up your mind either way and his.

Queenofthedrivensnow · 02/09/2018 09:04

I had this it lasted 9 months. I confronted the guy and asked where it was going. He went on holiday and had a thick. He called me when he got back and confessed after all this time he hadn't fallen in love with with me. So we toned it. It was hard but he was honest.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/09/2018 09:43

What day are you seeing him, if he goes away most weekends?

subspace · 02/09/2018 10:03

Good point @WhatsGoingOnEh !

OP I read your post again and it does seem like despite you expressing your boundaries clearly, you are a fwb. I'm sorry.