The texts keep on coming from my toxic family.

[LukeSkywalkerBoots]

Thread only a few days ago here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3344230-Just-had-a-shitty-text-exchange-with-my-aunt-Hand-hold-needed

Then my dh got a WhatsApp from my mum saying please can she see our ds and that she is very sad.

Then he got a WhatsApp from my mums husband asking what dh thinks of this ‘business’ (our estrangement) and asking why I didn’t go to my grandads funeral (I was too scared of confrontation by my mother or having a panic attack over seeing her) and why didn’t I send a condolence card to my mum (people don’t send condolence cards to their mothers when their elderly grandparents die!).

Dh deleted both without replying and blocked them on WhatsApp and we both ranted last night about them for about two hours.

It just never ever ends. I’ll start getting letters soon, I guarantee it.

I can’t take any more.

My mother/ stepdad/ father have ruined my entire life with their actions. 25 years I’ve been on antidepressants. I’ve changed my name. I’ve had endless therapy. I’ve posted on here loads.

Where will this end? With me having another breakdown?

My mother is bloody obsessed with my child and desperate to see him, and won’t acceot that I can’t have her in my life because she watched some fucking bully push me around and criticise me and backed him up.

She thinks she’s the victim and has painted herself as being put upon and oppressed for all those years. It’s bollocks.

I keep trying to move on and these messages keep coming. The shit rolls on and on and on. I just want to live peacefully and happily with my husband and son.

Please tell me what do I do here?

I honestly feel like I’m just gonna collapse and die from stress.

Continue to block all messages
Block them on fb
Write return to sender on mail or better yet, bin it unopened
Block them on whatsapp on your/DH phones or better yet, buy new sim cards

If you do that, they win. Just hold on to the fact that they are bullies, you deserve better and you will have better.

Block all numbers, get your dh to go through the mail and take out any letters that come. He can put them somewhere or bin them. He can tell you or not. That is up to you.

Block on email, or set up an automatic forward to another address that is just for them that you don’t look at.

Don’t know your housing situation but consider moving if it is an option without telling them the new address.

Hold on to the fact that they are wrong. Get mad if you have to and continue healing without them.

Return to sender all letters. Keep them blocked from everything.

You need to make a conscious decision that they no longer exist and act that way. 25 years they have tormented you, this ends now.

I'm so glad to hear you have a supportive partner. Can you do something nice this evening together, go for a meal, get a takeaway, watch a positive, uplifting film and snuggle up.

I come from a very dysfunctional family as well and have minimal contact. It took me a long time to get over the guilt of having very little to do with them. But the freedom I feel now is immense. Take care.

See a solicitor. Send them a letter informing them harassment is a criminal offence and you will take it further if they don't stop immediately.

Does this qualify as harassment really? Genuine question.

It will get less as they realise that they can't get to you. I'm very pleased to hear that your DH is supportive. Keep protecting your son, too toxic for you is too toxic for him.

There will no doubt be a few more flying monkeys before it dies down. I wouldn't be surprised if you find your health and resilience improves from now on. Other people's drama is so wearing.

Keep on with blocking and ignoring. Any engagement will be taken as a positive sign.

With the exception of a solicitors letter as April describes.

Big shifts in their lives (lost of a parent) will have heightened their emotions and drama. Also early days of NC sends them in to over drive ramping up the contact. Yes you will get letters, gifts, doorsteping, flying monkeys - but eventually they will give up. DO NOT open any letters, listen to any voicemails, bin any gifts / flowers immediately, stop any flying monkies from talking to about them. If there is any threat or malice in any messages report to the police.

How long have you been NC? Is your son recently born?

You have done really really well to get this far. Each day, week, year is distance to be celebrated. You are looking to achieve an emotional state of indifference you should look for counselling support if they are triggering you to rage. Try and sit right back and watch their antics like a panto with all the crazy characters.

Yes this is absolutely harassment! Mine are almost identical and I get the occasional shitty texts, letters and even approaching friends on FB.

I've told them not to contact me and their actions are harassment. So far so good. It's only a matter of time before they start up again but I'll just do the same, reiterate that we don't want any contact because of their past behaviour. No you cannot have s relationship with my child if you can't be bothered with me and to please leave friends etc alone.

I no longer even rise to it. Its just sad they can't see it's their own actions that caused this.

I don’t get especially nasty messages, just narky or emotional outpouring ones. But still they are relentless.

High five to treacletoots. Stay strong!

No, ds is 7. He would see my mum on sat pms when she came round up to about 2 years ago when I had a breakdown about my abusive childhood. I could take seeing her anymore. Surprisingly he has never been upset about not seeing her. A little confused at first but that’s all.

Do not bin any letters, keep all communication from them and put it in a folder unopened if needed (for your emotional wellbeing). Print out all emails and texts etc to put in the folder.

You may need this folder if you take legal or police action against them.

So sorry Op, you deserve so much more than these abusive shots.

Shots..... shits

Its not you, its them. They want you to cave and to get back into the role they moulded for you. Toxic behaviours and other familial abuses like you describe can and does go down the generations but it has stopped at you because you would never treat your child the ways you were and still are treated.

As their attempts to get to you did not properly work, they now turn to your DH and start on him. Many toxic people use flying monkeys (which are often well meaning but useless and easily manipulated relatives and or friends) to do their bidding for them and what you describe is not sadly atypical at all. They are not interested in hearing your side of things so their opinion and words are worthless.

If you get letters destroy these without opening. Do not give these any more power.

Radio silence from both you and your DH needs to be maintained as well as having firm and consistently applied and placed boundaries.

I would also let your son's school know about your mother if you have not already done this previously.

Your DH I hope has now taken firm steps to block any further attempts from these flying monkeys. I would also consider legal means because what these people are doing here amounts to harassment.

I would certainly look into finding a therapist to work with and importantly a person who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. BACP may be worth looking at. Treat such candidates like candidates for a job interview and interview them closely at length before making any decisions. You also need to find someone who fits in with your approach.

Do continue to read and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread.

Actually do not destroy any letters; give these to a Solicitor as part of a harassment case against your family members.

Radio silence from you and your DH has to be absolutely maintained here.

Do not return any letters to them, what such disordered of thinking people want is a response and returning these will give them what they want because they know they have you then.

Agree with the advice here, keep the letters for evidence, don't open them as there is no point, it will only upset you and they don't have that power over you, you do not permit it.

Yes to getting solicitors on the case, and then police if that doesn't stop.

I would suggest that you get new numbers and set up alternative FB/Social media accounts and move on from the old numbers etc. If you keep the old numbers running it will also serve as a record for future action, but they won't interfere with your daily life.

You have to go pretty clinical with these people, surgically remove them from your life and be consistent in keeping it that way.

Remind yourself that ANY reply or reaction to any of them will fuel them, you can tell friends to ignore them and kindly don't pass on any of their messages to you, and to ignore anyone trying to recruit them to harass you.

Is moving an option? If you have a change of address and don’t tell them then there’s no chance of them door stepping you and you can get on with your life with your family. Might give you the peace of mind you need to draw a line under it.

We are considering a house move if things don’t die down.

Any letters or whatever that I receive from now on I will keep as proof of harassment and will seek solicitor advice.

I just feel so mentally worn down to a tiny nub!

But also still going somehow.

Can you get a restraining order? It’ll cost a bit but it should stop any further contact and, if it doesn’t, future texts etc will be treated far more seriously by the police/courts etc.

Wouldn’t they have to be threatening me to ask for a restraining order?

I've had to go NC with my own mother due to a similar abusive childhood. I get you. It's not enough just blocking them. It's the feeling of what's coming next. As you say you are expecting letters. It's the anxiety, constant worry. You have the support of your DH, just continue to focus on healing.

think about it OP, stalkers will potentially be nice, say nothing and just mill about - THEY get restraining orders against them.

It's about unwanted contact, and that is 100% your right to say what is and isn't wanted

Another tactic will be to invent a health scare or other family crisis to rope you in. So beware. Also sounds like your aunt (on the other thread) is just bored with your DM moaning - so justs wants you back in contact to make her own life easier.

If it is 2 years since you instigated NC and you are still this emotional then you need suppprt to gain strength to cope.